Heart of Glass
by Firewind
Summary: One day in Nerima, Ranma finds a missing persons poster picturing a familiar face. But Ryoga's not too keen on explaining... Ancient. Posted here in fond memoriam of geocities. Dark, contains violence, divergent future-ish. Proceed with caution.
1. Prologue

Author's Note: This fic is...old. As in like, over a decade old. This was the first fanfic I ever wrote, and I used to have it hosted on Ye Olde Geocities page. However, since Geocities has gone the way of the Dodo bird, I've been getting lots of random emails from people looking for it, so...in an attempt to not be the heartless jerk I actually am, I decided to upload it here.

Again, this was the first fic I ever wrote. I apologize in advance for silly disclaimer notes, gratuitous use of song quotes, over-the-top angst, drama, sappiness, the steady employment of deus ex machina and cliches, and nothing else.

Disclaimer: Ranma ½ is property of Rumiko Takahashi, Viz Communications, Fuji TV, Kitty Films, and Shogakukan. No profit is being made from this. Please do not copy or replicate any part of this fic without permission.

Prologue

~ Lost ~

_Here I am, on the road again_

_There I am, up on the stage_

_There I go, playing star again_

_There I go_

_Turn the page…_

~Bob Seger, "Turn the Page"

Somewhere in Nerima

After _The Breaking Point_...

Ryoga walked down the empty street, lit softly by lamps and moonlight. Staring at the ground as he walked, he thought about the past few days, and the events that had transpired. He paused to place his hand on the cool cement wall on his right and studied it, his expression thoughtful. Then his face contorted in sudden anger, and he pulled his hand away, only to touch the wall again with a single finger. The cement cracked, then burst into pieces, showering Ryoga with dust and bits of stone.

He stood motionless for a moment, his shoulders rigid, eyes burning, and stared at the huge hole that had been blasted through the wall. Then his shoulders slumped and his eyes closed.

Defeated by Ranma again.

_So much for your incredible technique,_ Cologne, Ryoga thought bitterly. A week of being slammed with boulders by that ghoul, and for what? Nothing. Another battle lost, and in front of Akane on top of it. Ryoga sighed.

He should've been angrier about the situation than he was, but instead he felt a strange, restless feeling he got sometimes; a combination of anxiety and loneliness and other things he couldn't define.

_Another failure_, he thought sullenly. _But really, what did I expect? I'm good at failure, aren't I?_

Ryoga opened his eyes and looked up at the stars, which were clearly visible against the night sky despite the glow of lights from downtown Tokyo a few miles away. The sight of them made him suddenly wish he was far away from this place. He hadn't meant to come back here after the fight on the mountain with Ranma, but somehow he'd gotten turned around and wandered back into Nerima. As soon as Ryoga had realized it, he'd tried to leave. He hadn't wanted Akane to see him right then, and he especially hadn't wanted to see Ranma. But his luck had apparently decided to stay on its present extended vacation, for the second he'd turned around, a splash of cold water had hit him in the face. Thrown by the little old washerwoman, who had continued to toss water out on the sidewalk without even noticing the little black pig sitting among a heap of wet clothes and a backpack, glaring at her darkly. But someone else had noticed him.

_"P-chan! Where have you been? It's been weeks!"_

Normally, Ryoga would have been overjoyed to hear Akane's exclamation of joy, to have her rush over to pick him up and hold him against her. He smiled a little at the memory. It had been almost worth it to see the look on Ranma's face when Akane had brought 'P-chan' inside, but for the first time, Ryoga had had no desire to stay. As soon as Akane had fallen asleep, he'd made a dash for the door, hoping to avoid the usual confrontation with Ranma. He'd managed to change back to human form and find his things…

And now here he was somewhere in the middle of the town, lost as usual and not caring. Just as long as he was able to get away soon...

Ryoga shook his head to clear it. If he was going to get out of here, he'd better keep walking. The trace of a smile was long gone now, and as the memories of the past days and hours vanished, his anxiety returned.

_What should I do now? _he wondered. He could go back into the mountains to train some more, so he could challenge Ranma again...but somehow, that didn't seem as important as it should. Ryoga's life was supposed to be centered mostly around getting revenge on the Saotome heir, but when he felt like this, he had trouble thinking.

Unable to concentrate, Ryoga felt restless yet exhausted. Being in the woods usually calmed him—he could deal better with trees and grass than he could with a bustling city full of people and lights and noise. But he wasn't in the woods, he was in Nerima, and he couldn't figure out how to leave and he was so tired and so ashamed of himself for losing to Ranma yet again and for deceiving Akane and he wanted to get away, far away, and what should he do...

Ryoga staggered, feeling dizzy and faint. He grabbed onto something, gasping, and tried to stop himself from falling to the ground. He managed to catch himself just before his knees hit the sidewalk. Taking deep breaths, he tried to clear his mind and stop the world from spinning. Finally, the sense of vertigo passed and he stood up straight again, seeing now that he had grabbed onto the side of a telephone booth. Ryoga looked at the phone as its shiny black surface gleamed in the light illuminating the inside of the small plastic box.

Ryoga stared at it, his head now remarkably clear. He pulled a small handful of change from his pocket, then lifted the receiver with one hand as the other dropped the money into the slot. His fingers moved to the keypad to push the buttons automatically, the number coming forth without a conscious thought.

_How long has it been?_ he wondered. _How many times have I done this since…_

It began to ring, silencing his thoughts. Ryoga covered the mouthpiece with his hand, swallowing nervously.

Once...twice...three times...four times...

"Hello?" answered a deep male voice.

Ryoga squeezed his eyes shut. It had been so long...

"Hello?"

His throat tightened and his eyes stung with sudden tears. He pulled his hand away, uncovering the mouthpiece.

It might be alright. Maybe...

Ryoga opened his mouth to speak.

Then the memories hit him, memories of the pain, and being helpless to stop it...

He slammed the phone back on its hook and gasped, heart racing, horrified at what he'd almost done. To go back to that…

No. He wasn't desperate. Not yet.

Ryoga swallowed hard, trying to dissolve the lump in his throat as he straightened his pack on his shoulders. After a few moments, his heartbeat began to slow, returning to its normal pace. He took a deep breath and stepped away from the phone.

It was time to go.

Without a backwards glance, Ryoga walked on into the night.


	2. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 and all its characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi, Viz, Fuji, Kitty Film, an Shogokukan, so they're not mine, and I don't claim them. But this fic is mine, so please don't copy it without permission, 'cause I could end up in big trouble.

Chapter 1

~ Missing ~

_Clock strikes twelve and moondrops burst_

_Out at you from their hiding place_

_Like acid and oil in a madman's face_

_His reasons tend to fly away_

_Like lesser birds on the four winds_

_Like silver scrapes in May_

_And now the sands become a crust_

_And most of you have gone away…_

~Blue Oyster Cult, "Astronomy"

It was a beautiful day in Nerima, one that could almost be called perfect. It would have been perfect, except...

"Stupid wind!" shouted Ranma Saotome. He waved his arms wildly in an attempt to avoid falling from his perch. This was the third time a gust had nearly knocked him off the top of the fence he was walking on and into the canal. Managing to regain his footing, he looked at the sidewalk, considering the benefits of abandoning the fence and moving down there instead. The last thing Ranma wanted was to fall in the canal and activate his curse, but after looking thoughtfully at the sidewalk for another moment, he continued on his way. Walking on top of the fence was a challenge, even if only a minor one, and it gave him a better vantage point to watch for incoming attacks from other martial artists.

_Speaking of which,_ Ranma thought to himself, _where the heck is everyone today?_

Shampoo should've been making deliveries as usual, with Mousse undoubtedly close behind, not to mention the possibility that the Old Ghoul herself might decide to spring a surprise attack at any moment, and he wasn't very far from Kuno's house, so Bokken Boy or his leotard-clad sister could very well appear...

Ranma glanced over his shoulder, as though his thoughts might summon one or more of those he had been thinking about. But the coast was clear. He shrugged at his paranoia and started to turn his head.

WHAP!

"Aarghh!" Ranma let out a yell as a stray piece of paper carried on the wind's current hit him full in the face. He tried to pull it off, but the force of the wind kept it pinned. He scrabbled at it wildly with his hand, trying to get a decent grip on the offending item. Finally succeeding, Ranma tore it off, scowling in irritation. He glanced at it briefly, then tried to toss it over his shoulder, only to have the wind grab it and nearly throw it in his face again. The pigtailed boy swatted at it bad-temperedly for a moment, then managed to bat it away.

"Stupid wind, blowin' stupid pieces of paper around..." Ranma muttered to himself in childlike annoyance as he began to walk again. He got about three steps before stopping short in his tracks, his eyes suddenly wide.

_Wait a minute…_

Ranma turned and dashed back the way he came, his eyes scanning for a fluttering piece of white among the grays and browns of the street and buildings. He spotted the paper, whirling merrily away from him and down the street. Jumping off the fence and onto the sidewalk, Ranma ran for it as it caught on a lamppost, but just before he reached it, the paper soared away again. The pigtailed boy chased after it vainly, leaping back and forth between the street and the fence. He lunged for it as the wind swept it back towards him, finally managing to grasp it with his fingertips.

"All right!" he exclaimed triumphantly. "It's about time I—whoa!"

Realizing too late that he had leaned far off the fence in order to grab the paper, Ranma once again tried to regain his balance. He might have succeeded if not for the gust of wind which decided to hit him right at that particular moment, causing him to overbalance and topple straight into the canal with a splash.

Ranma stood up in the shallow water, her face set in a scowl. "Great," grumbled the soaking wet redhead as she sloshed towards the bank. "Now I gotta take a bath when I get back."

The now-female martial artist clambered out of the canal, clutching the paper firmly in her hand. After leaping over the fence and onto the sidewalk, she began to run home, determined to get to a safe, windless place before inspecting her prize.

Sometime later, Ranma sat cross-legged on the floor of the dojo, staring intently at the slightly damp piece of paper on his lap. He lifted it closer to his face, then placed it back down, frowning hard.

"I don't believe this," he muttered to himself. He studied the paper again.

_Missing _was written in large black letters across the top. Ranma glanced at the small black and white photo beneath, and the name printed by the picture. He continued across the page, reading quickly.

_Believed to have run away from home two years ago. Present age: 17 years. Eyes: hazel. Hair: black. Present height and weight unknown. Height at time of disappearance: 5 ft., 5 in. Weight at time of disappearance..._

Ranma shook his head thoughtfully and skipped to the last lines on the page.

_If you have any information, please call the following number and/or notify your local police authorities..._

Ranma sighed heavily and looked up, resting his chin on one hand. There was now no doubt in his mind. There had been a slim chance that the name could be a coincidence. But the description made that chance even slimmer. And the picture took that last bit of chance and makes it obsolete…

The picture was of Ryoga.

**"Hey, Ucchan!"**

Ukyo Kuonji looked up from her grill through the cloud of soft steam made by the sizzling okonomiyaki she was cooking, her face lighting into a smile.

"Ranma-honey! How are you? Want something to eat?"

Ranma smiled back and took a seat on his usual stool by the counter. "That'd be great! I'm starvin'!"

Ukyo laughed. "So what else is new?" She placed a plate of steaming food in front of him.

Ranma spent the next ten seconds inhaling his food, then glanced up at the longhaired chef. "Actually, Ucchan, I wanted to ask you if you'd seen Ryoga around lately."

Ukyo looked at him with a slightly puzzled expression. "Ryoga? What are you looking for him for?" It wasn't like Ranma to go seeking Ryoga out. Well, at least he didn't usually go asking her about the Lost Boy's whereabouts, anyway.

"I, uh, hafta talk to him about something. It's kinda important."

"Talk to him, huh. About what?" Ukyo said curiously.

Ranma fidgeted a little in his seat. "Listen Ucchan, I'm real sorry, but I'm kinda in a hurry. Have you seen him?"

Ukyo's puzzlement increased. Ranma was definitely acting strange. "He's around somewhere," she replied. "Or at least he was yesterday. I saw him go by, but the place was full, so I couldn't go out and talk to him."

"But you haven't seen him today?"

"No," Ukyo answered. She noticed that Ranma appeared a bit crestfallen. She hated to suggest that he go anywhere near his other fiancées, but said, "Why don't you go to the Cat Café? If he's still around, Shampoo or Cologne probably saw him while making deliveries."

"That's a great idea!" Ranma exclaimed, jumping up from his stool. There was a little more enthusiasm in his voice than Ukyo would've liked, and she hoped it wasn't at the prospect of seeing Shampoo. "Thanks a lot, Ucchan. But hey, if you do see him, couldja tell him to come and see me?"

"Sure thing, Ranma-honey," she said. "But if I do see him, it'll probably still take him a couple of days to get to the Tendos'. The jackass couldn't find his way out room with one door and no windows."

"Aah, just point him in the right direction and he'll get there eventually." Ranma bounded towards the door. "I'll see ya later. Oh, and thanks for the food!" he called over his shoulder.

"Anytime, Ran-" Ukyo began. But Ranma was already out the door and a full block away.

**Ryoga lifted his gaze from the dull gray of the sidewalk, narrowing his eyes against the onslaught of sunlight. He looked at his surroundings and noted, with some annoyance, that he had no idea where he was.**

"Hmm," he said to himself, thoughtfully. He was fairly certain he was still in Nerima. "I know I passed through the marketplace just a few minutes ago...or was it an hour ago?" He remembered the sun being almost right overhead when he'd been there, but now it sat much lower in the sky. Ryoga clenched his fist in frustration. He'd been deep in thought as he was walking, and consequently has lost his way, his bearings, and track of the time.

"Damn it!" he cried. "Why do I always…what's that?" He cocked his head, listening.

There it was again, a faint ring-ring followed by what sounded like an angry duck. Ryoga turned around in time to see a blue and red blur rushing towards him, which was actually a violet-haired Chinese Amazon on a bicycle, followed by a white duck wearing glasses.

"Yaghh!" Ryoga yelled as he leapt back to avoid being hit. Shampoo screeched to a halt inches away from him. "Why don't you watch where you're going, you crazy-"

"QUACK!"

That was the last thing Ryoga heard before he hit the pavement. Mousse had flown up and over Shampoo to avoid running into her, but he obviously hadn't seen the yellow-and-black-clad young man in front of him until an instant too late. He crashed straight into Ryoga's chest, knocking the Lost Boy to the ground and knocking himself unconscious.

"Ahahaha!" Shampoo laughed her high, tittering laugh as she pointed at the pair on the ground. "Stupid Mousse, silly Ryoga! You both fall down! Ahahaha!"

Ryoga sat up and pushed the unconscious duck off his lap, his frustration long since evolved into hot anger. "Ooh, knock it off already," he growled at Shampoo.

The bubbly Amazon simply smiled at him. "You go see Ranma!" she exclaimed.

Ryoga stared up at her, confusion spreading across his features. "What?"

Shampoo beamed at him. "Ranma come to Cat Café and say that if Shampoo find you, tell you go see him! Ranma be much happy that Shampoo do him favor!"

"Why should I go and see him?" Ryoga asked discontentedly.

Shampoo's expression became pensive. "Hmm, he no say why. He just say is important." She returned to her former cheerfulness. "You come with Shampoo now, yes? Go see Airen?"

Ryoga looked down at Mousse, who had woken up and was making disgruntled quacking noises as he searched for his glasses with an outstretched wing. Ryoga picked up the tiny spectacles and placed them on the duck's bill, then climbed to his feet. He had no real desire to see 'Airen', but he couldn't help being curious as to what Ranma wanted with him.

Maybe Akane will be there at least, he thought hopefully, brushing himself off with a sigh.

"Alright," he said to Shampoo. "Let's go."

The three made an odd group as they walked down the street, but no one in Nerima paid much attention to the violet-headed Chinese girl on a bike or the young man carrying a backpack and a red umbrella who walked beside her. The bespectacled duck waddling after them gained a few glances, but nothing more. The people of Nerima had long ago become accustomed to strange sights.

**Ranma sat atop a rock and stared into the koi pond behind the Tendos' house, watching the shimmering red and gold fish flit beneath the surface of the water as he rubbed the back of his head where Akane had hit him.** Shampoo had charged in and glomped him, consequently causing Akane throw one of her usual fits. At least the young Amazon had had a delivery to make and left quickly, after promising to return sometime soon and save Ranma from the 'Violent Tomboy.' After she had jumped on her bike and pedaled of with Mousse flying close behind, Akane had stormed back into the house, leaving Ranma with a nasty bump on his head. Among all the excitement, he hadn't even noticed the person standing by and watching the fray.

"So what do you want?" demanded a familiar voice.

Ranma started a little, surprised to find he wasn't alone. He looked up to see Ryoga standing across the pond from him, arms crossed over his chest and his ever-present scowl in place.

The pigtailed boy relaxed again. "Well hello, Sunshine," he greeted dryly. He stood and stretched, then jumped down from the rock.

Ryoga's scowled immediately deepened. "Look, Saotome, I haven't got time for thi-"

"Sure ya do," Ranma interrupted as he walked around the edge of the pond. "It ain't like you got someplace to go or anything. Besides, I said it was important, didn't I?"

Ryoga glared at him. "Well, what is it then?" he snapped.

Ranma regarded him calmly. "Geez, you're cranky. What's the matter, get up on the wrong side of the sleeping bag this morning?" He watched as Ryoga's fists clenched and raised a placating hand. "C'mon, don't get mad. I wanted you to come here so you could tell me about this." He pulled out the piece of paper and held it up for the Lost Boy to see.

Ryoga stared at it bewilderedly. "What's tha-" he started to say, but trailed off, his eyes widening in shock and his face paling considerably. After a long moment of silence, he tore his eyes away to look up at the other young man.

"Give me that!" he cried, swiping at it with his hand. Ranma stepped back easily and lifted it out of Ryoga's reach.

"Hey, not so fast. Why don't you tell me what this is all about first?"

Ryoga's eyes narrowed. "It's none of your damn business, Ranma!" He lunged for the paper again, but Ranma dodged to the side. Ryoga barely managed to stop himself from tumbling into the koi pond with the force of his momentum, then whirled to face Ranma, his eyes burning.

"Give it to me!"

"I dunno, Ryoga," Ranma said, glancing at the paper. "I'd say it was my business. After all, I got this poster with you on it, and you're right here. Now, you better start explaining, or maybe I'll go call this number at the bottom." He grinned a small, cocky grin. "Hey, I wonder if there's a reward."

He glanced up, expecting Ryoga to be charging at him, but instead, Ranma found the Lost Boy standing with his hands fisted, looking at he ground as his shoulders shook with barely-suppressed anger. Ranma could see by the line of his jaw that Ryoga's teeth were tightly clenched as he raised his eyes.

"Whoa," Ranma breathed. He took an involuntary step backwards, eyes widening slightly as he gave a silent thanks that looks couldn't kill. If they could, he figured he would have been dead a thousand times over, and none of the ways pleasant. He'd seen Ryoga mad before, the guy was angry ninety-nine percent of the time, but this was completely different. The other boy's eyes were blazing with rage, their normal hazel color darkened to a deep gray. It wasn't a normal sort of anger that Ranma saw; this was purer, rawer, almost frightening in its intensity. But there was something else there too, something even more powerful...

Hatred.

Ranma opened his mouth to speak, but Ryoga beat him to it.

"Ranma." He spat out the word, his voice low but full of fury. "I might've been able to forgive you for everything you've done to me, one day..." Ryoga paused to glance at the paper in Ranma's hand, then locked his gaze with the blue-eyed martial artist's own once more. His voice dropped to a whisper. "But for this...never."

Ranma stared at him for a moment, trying to organize his thoughts into speech. A door slid open behind them, causing him to glance towards the house. He turned back to Ryoga in time to see the Lost Boy give him a final, seething glare before whirling around and bounding towards the wall surrounding the yard. The bandana'd boy leapt over it with ease and disappeared.

"Ryoga!" Ranma shouted, finally finding his voice. He started towards the wall. "Ryoga, wait!"

"Ranma!" a voice yelled at him from behind, causing him to stop in his tracks.

"Akane."

"What did you do to him now?" his irate fiancée demanded, striding over to him.

"Aw, c'mon Akane, we weren't even fighting, not really..." Ranma turned to face her, and saw her delicate brows were knotted.

"Then why did he look so mad?" Akane asked pointedly.

"Well, uh...I don't think mad is exactly the right word for it..."

"You'd better go after him, Ranma. What are you two always fighting about anyway?"

Ranma rolled his eyes at her. "Geez, Akane, I was gonna go after him, but the longer I stand here arguin' with you, the farther away he's gonna get." With that, he turned and jumped up onto the wall, then leapt down to the street. Akane watched him go, grumbling an annoyed remark about not understanding the two boys as she turned to go back inside.

**Ranma dashed down the street, searching for a familiar figure dressed in black and yellow. "I wonder which way he went? I'm never gonna find him at this rate," he muttered to himself, jumping up onto the roof of a nearby house.** From his new vantage point, he could see down the length of the street on either side of him. Then he spotted a flash of light to his left. Turning, he watched as a massive pillar of blue-white energy shot skyward, illuminating nearby buildings with its glow. The sight caused him to wince. That had been one of the bigger Shi-shi Hokodan he'd ever seen Ryoga pull off, which let him know under no uncertain terms that the Lost Boy was completely pissed. It wasn't like him to simply let one off in the middle of town, either, which meant Ranma had made a serious mistake by acting the way he had.

_Well, at least he can't shoot one of those at me now,_ Ranma thought to himself. _And I'm glad I wasn't there to be the target for that one. Bet it would've stung_. He ran along the roof, then leapt to the next one, continuing on until he saw a figure wearing the telltale yellow shirt and backpack. The pigtailed boy abandoned the rooftops and jumped back down to the street.

"Ryoga!" Ranma called. "Hey Ryoga, wait up!"

The other boy heard the yelling and turned around to watch Ranma run towards him, his pigtail bouncing. He slowed to a stop a few feet away and stared at the bandana'd boy, somewhat surprised he wasn't out cold on the ground. A ki attack took a lot out of a person, and one the size of Ryoga's last should've at least made him sit down.

Then again, he's prob'ly ticked enough to do ten of the damn things, Ranma figured, remembering the look that had been in Ryoga's eyes a short while earlier. The Lost Boy didn't appear to be anywhere near as bad as he'd been before, but he still looked far from happy to see Ranma.

"Now what do you want?" he snapped, balling his hands into fists. "Haven't you messed up my life enough already?"

Ranma could see that Ryoga was getting angrier by the moment, but he noticed that the other boy also seemed...tired. That wouldn't have been too much of a surprise, considering he'd recently done a Shi-shi Hokodan, but it seemed somehow deeper than that. Behind the anger, it appeared that Ryoga was inwardly exhausted, not physically but mentally, like a person who had just found out that something they'd wished to be over had really just begun.

"Just listen to me for a minute, Ok?" Ranma said, taking a few steps closer to him. He reached into his red silk shirt and produced the paper. "Look, when I found this, I didn't mean to like, use it to tick you off or nothin'," Ranma explained haltingly. He paused to glance up at Ryoga's face. The other martial artist was glaring at him, but remained silent, so Ranma continued. "I guess I always kinda assumed your parents knew where you were and stuff, so when I found this thing...I dunno, I just wanted to know what was goin' on. I shouldn't have like I did, alright? I mean, it ain't like this is funny or nothin'." He held the paper out to him. "You can see it, if you want."

Ryoga flicked his eyes down to the paper, then back to Ranma. "I've seen enough," he said tersely, his voice cold. He turned away and started walking.

Ranma gaped at Ryoga's back for a moment, his arm still outstretched. Then his face contorted in anger. He'd been trying to apologize, and Ryoga had just brushed him off completely! He opened his mouth to let out some scathing remark, but then he realized that Ryoga still had plenty of reasons to be angry with him. A simple apology wasn't going to be enough.

Ranma noticed that Ryoga was getting further away. "Hey, wait! Where are you going?" he asked, running a few steps to catch up with him.

"Where do you think I'm going? I have to get out of town before someone else finds one of those," Ryoga replied tightly, motioning to the poster.

"Oh." It suddenly occurred to Ranma that there were probably dozens of them floating around. "Well, hang on a sec, will you?"

Ryoga stopped again. "What?" he asked exasperatedly. Ranma heard a note of something that sounded like desperation in the Lost Boy's voice as well.

"Wait here."

Ryoga looked at him suspiciously, his eyes narrowing. "What for?"

"Just wait, Ok? I'll be right back," Ranma said. Ryoga continued to gaze at him apprehensively, and Ranma knew the other boy didn't trust him. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna call the number or anything." He turned and started to jog back up the street.

"Ranma, I don't have time-"

"Just stay right there!" Ranma called over his shoulder. He turned the corner and disappeared.

Ryoga sighed angrily and wondered why he was even bothering to do what he'd asked. The way Ranma treated him normally was bad enough, but the whole episode in the Tendos' yard had been far beyond that. Ryoga couldn't remember when he'd ever been so mad before. Ranma had pushed him nearly to his outermost limit, and he realized now that it hadn't even really been on purpose. There was no way Ranma could've known...

Ryoga shook his head hurriedly, trying to banish the thoughts. Don't think about that. Just concentrate on getting away from here before your luck runs out, he instructed himself. He bit back another sigh, wishing Ranma hadn't come after him. Just seeing the pigtailed boy had made him want to fight at first, but the idea had vanished quickly. In truth, the feeling of absolute rage he'd felt earlier had frightened him. It had put him too close to doing something he would have certainly regretted later.

The Lost Boy leaned against the side of a telephone pole in exhaustion, his anger dissipating as though it had been all used up. Too much had happened in too little time. Or perhaps it was just being overcome by the underlying anxiety-bordering-panic he felt stirring in the back of his mind. Ryoga closed his eyes, trying to gain control of the turmoil within him, and waited for Ranma to return.

**Once at the dojo, Ranma ran up the stairs to the room he shared with his father.** He went to the closet and pulled out his backpack, hurriedly shoving in some spare clothes and supplies. Then he rushed down to the kitchen and pulled some things from the cupboards, cramming them wherever there was room to fit.

"Ranma? What are you doing?" Akane asked, walking into the kitchen. Then she saw the pack he was holding. "Where do you think you're going?" she demanded.

"Call it a training trip. With Ryoga."

"What?" Akane asked, her voice flat with disbelief.

Ranma gave her a lopsided grin as he fastened the closures to his pack. "Hey, you said to go after him."

Akane glared at him. "That's not what I meant!"

"What's the matter, you gonna miss me?" Ranma taunted mildly. He pulled the straps over his shoulders and hoisted the pack on to his back.

"What?" Akane shouted indignantly. "Don't be ridiculous!" She scowled as Ranma walked past her towards the door. "Don't you think you'd better tell your dad where you're going?" she said, following him into the yard.

"Just tell him for me, wouldja? I don't got time to wait for him. Besides, I'll be back in a week or so," the pigtailed boy said.

"But Ranma-"

"See ya, Akane!" he called as he ran through the gate.

Akane stood and watched him go, her short hair swirling around her face in the breeze. "Ranma, you jerk," she muttered, wondering what was going on this time. Then she sighed.

"Of course I'm going to miss you."

**Ranma spotted Ryoga standing where he'd left him**. His arms were crossed over his chest, but the bandana'd boy's usual scowl was replaced with an expression of tense thoughtfulness.

_Good, the dummy didn't wander off,_ Ranma thought, although he wouldn't have blamed Ryoga much if he'd left without him. The Lost Boy looked up as he approached.

"So, where're you going?" Ranma asked him.

"I already told you," Ryoga snapped. "Anywhere, just as long as it's out of town." Then his eyes narrowed as he spied Ranma's backpack. "Wait a minute, what do you think you're doing?"

"I'm going with you."


	3. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Ranma ½ is property of Rumiko Takahashi, and also Viz, Shogakukan, Fuji, and Kitty. In other words, the characters aren't mine, I'm just borrowing them for this story, which is not being used to make any sort of profit.

Chapter 2

~Doubts~

_Life_

_Is bigger_

_It's bigger than you_

_And you are not me_

_The lengths that I will go to_

_The distance in your eyes_

_Oh no, I've said too much_

_I set it up_

_That's me in the corner_

_That's me in the spotlight_

_Losing my religion_

_Trying to keep up you_

_And I don't know if I can do it_

_Oh no, I've said too much_

_I haven't said enough…_

~R.E.M. "Losing My Religion"

"Oh, no you don't."

Ranma blinked innocently, feigning incomprehension.

"There's no way you're coming with me," Ryoga clarified, though he knew Ranma already knew exactly what he'd meant.

The pigtailed boy looked at him for a moment, then shrugged indifferently. "Fine."

Satisfied, Ryoga turned and began walking. Unfortunately, he only took about three steps before whirling around. Sure enough, Ranma was a few feet behind him, one foot raised in mid-step.

"Don't follow me!" Ryoga shouted at him.

Ranma cocked his head. "Who says I'm followin' you? Maybe we're just going in the same direction."

"Well find some other way to go!" Ryoga snapped as he continued down the sidewalk.

"Uh...where are you going, anyway?" Ranma asked from behind him.

"Anywhere, as long as it's out of town," Ryoga replied for what seemed like the tenth time.

Ranma groaned and slapped his hand to his forehead before running a few paces to catch up with the Lost Boy. "If you wanna get outta here, you probably shouldn't walk towards downtown Tokyo, you idiot!" he snapped, grabbing Ryoga's wrist. "The fastest way out of town is this way," he said, breaking into a run.

Ryoga stumbled after him, half ashamed of his mistake and half angry at the pigtailed boy for pointing it out so bluntly. "Hey, let go!" he cried. He tried to pull himself free, but Ranma's grip was too tight, and it was too difficult to accomplish while running. "Ranma!"

Ranma ignored him and leapt up onto a roof, leaving Ryoga no choice but to follow. They jumped from one to the next, their forms silhouetted against the sky, with Ryoga protesting the entire way.

**Ryoga walked down the path, his thumbs laced through the straps of his backpack, his eyes fixed on the trail bed as the late afternoon sun cast dappled shadows through the leaves of overhanging tree branches.**

Ranma followed a few steps behind the Lost Boy, his hands in his pockets. He turned his head to glance at the foliage alongside the trail, watching the branches sway in the breeze, all that remaining of the former wind. Sighing, he returned his gaze to Ryoga's back. He pulled one hand from his pocket and touched it cautiously to the bruise on his cheek.

"You didn't hafta hit me like that, ya know. I woulda stopped if you'd just said something," he muttered, his voice petulant.

Ryoga didn't turn around. "I did say something," he replied tightly.

Ranma rolled his eyes, safe in knowing that the other boy wouldn't see. "When are we gonna stop, anyway?" he asked.

"You can stop whenever you want."

Ranma let out a growl of frustration. He'd counted on other boy being mad at him, but he hadn't expected to have to walk through the woods with nothing but Ryoga's cold retorts for company. The only thing good about it was that the Lost Boy had seemed to calm down once they'd gotten out of the city.

_Well, I got myself into this_, Ranma reminded himself. _But there's no way I'm givin' up. I don't care if he keeps actin' like a jerk. This could be my chance to end this once and for all._

When Ranma had found the poster, he hadn't just been curious—he'd been concerned. Something was wrong, really wrong. The way Ryoga had reacted...yes, there was definitely something wrong. Unfortunately, Ranma had no idea what it could be. And Ryoga didn't seem all that eager to enlighten him, either.

Ranma sighed. If Ryoga would just let him help... Of course, the Lost Boy didn't have much of a reason to trust him, not after putting up with all the tricks and schemes and abuse, and especially not after the way Ranma had acted at the Tendos'. The way he figured it, Ryoga probably thought he saw the poster as an opportunity to get the bandana'd boy out of his life for good, though that wasn't he'd had in mind. If Ryoga would just tell him what was going on and what he wanted to do, Ranma was willing to help. He'd sort of hoped to use the situation to find a way to end their ongoing feud, though he hadn't been sure how. But he sincerely doubted that such a thing would happen now, not with Ryoga barely speaking to him and obviously angered by his very presence.

And even if Ranma did manage to settle anything between himself and Ryoga, there was always the whole issue with Akane. That wasn't likely to just go away anytime soon, either. Ranma chewed at his bottom lip thoughtfully. It wasn't that he really fighting Ryoga, at least not usually. The Lost Boy was easily the closest to him in skill out of all his regular rivals. In truth, when Ryoga was gone for a long period of time, Ranma started to miss him a little. Kuno and Mousse were good, but once he could get past their weapons, they were pretty much down and out. Cologne and Happosai were usually around, but despite the fact that it was good training, a fight with one of them usually turned into a bruising session for him more than anything else. Sparring with his father was far from exciting, and Akane was out of the question—not only was she a girl, but she wasn't even close to his level, making him unable to really get into it full-heartedly. Ryoga, on the other hand...he could fight, that was for sure. The Lost Boy had proven his ability to do serious damage with his umbrella, but he could fight just as well without it, too. He'd also known how to use all the rhythmic gymnastic tools adeptly, which had been interesting, though Ranma couldn't figure out where or why Ryoga had learned to do that. And then there were his bandannas. Ranma recalled going up on the dojo roof one so many months ago that Shampoo had been trying to kill his female half. Ryoga had thrown a volley of his bandanas at Ranma in hope that he'd fall into the koi pond and activate his curse. He'd dodged them, but they'd become embedded in the shingles. Later on, after being chased all over Nerima by Shampoo, Ranma had gone up on the roof to think. He'd seen Ryoga's bandannas, and out of curiosity he'd tried touching one. It was hard as a knife blade, and the edge was just as sharp as one. Ranma had grasped it in the center and pulled it out to inspect it further, but it had collapsed in his hand. He'd examined it carefully, trying to figure out how it worked, but it was just a simple scrap of yellow and black silk, leaving Ranma mystified even to this very day. Turning cloth into a weapon seemed to be a technique that belonged to Ryoga alone.

The Lost Boy also possessed a stubborn sort of persistence, not unlike his own, that Ranma admired. He refused to allow the pigtailed boy's skills to surpass his own for long. He'd matched Ranma's Amigurikan technique with the Buksai Tenketsu, and learned the Shi-shi Hokodan soon after Ranma's Hiryu Shoten-hah—which, since he'd been the person to help Ranma learn it, he knew the secret behind.

At least with Ryoga around, things didn't usually get dull. Ranma paused in his thoughts to check and make sure that Ryoga wasn't too far ahead of him on the path. The bandana'd boy was still a few a feet in front of him as before, so he looked back at the ground and returned to his thoughts.

There was more to it than just the fighting, though, Ranma had decided. Ryoga was the only other guy around that he could really talk to—provided that Ranma managed to keep his foot out of his mouth and Ryoga was in a good mood. The guys he hung around with at school were fine, but they didn't understand his love of martial arts, nor did they really understand his curse. Mousse might, but he was so obsessed with Shampoo and came from such a different background that Ranma was unable to relate to him very well—not to mention that the Chinese boy seemed utterly devoid of desire to have any sort of civil, normal interactions with him. Ryoga at least understood him on some levels, but Ranma rarely got to have actual conversations with him. There had been few occasions when the two were together and not fighting, and even then it took some coaxing to get Ryoga to talk. Yet despite all the barriers between them, they usually got along in a sense.

Besides, when it came to fighting with the Lost Boy, Ranma sincerely preferred it to be sparring instead of death matches. The whole 'bitter enemy' thing had become tiring a long time ago. But it was so damn frustrating. Any attempt he'd made so far to make Ryoga forgive him had been about as effective as asking a brick wall to stand up and walk. And then there was the whole P-chan situation. Ranma gritted his teeth at the thought. Ryoga using his curse to sleep in Akane's bed was more than annoying to the pigtailed boy. Then again, if he hadn't knocked Ryoga into the Spring of Drowned Piglet...but why did the idiot have to follow him to China, anyway? It wasn't his fault Ryoga had no sense of direction and hadn't been able to find the spot where the two had arranged to fight all that time ago.

_But if you hadn't taken his bread and started the whole thing, none of this would have happened, right?_ whispered a little voice in the back of Ranma's mind. He shook his head angrily. Trying to figure out who was ultimately to blame for everything was not only a confusing debate, it was a worthless one. He'd tried to explain things to Ryoga before, and had always gotten the same result—usually something along the lines of "Ranma Saotome, prepare to die!" But Ranma had taken the blame for the bread and tried to make amends, hadn't he?

Not that it did any good. _Why does he hafta to be so close-minded all the time? If he'd just listen to reason…_

Ranma remained lost in thought. Not paying attention to where he was going, didn't notice that Ryoga had stopped in the middle of the trail. Consequently, he walked straight into the Lost Boy, letting out a startled exclamation as he did so.

"Oof!"

Ryoga turned on him angrily. "Watch where you're going!" he snapped.

Ranma backed up a little and returned Ryoga's glare. "Well, what'd you stop like that for?" he demanded.

The bandana'd boy raised an eyebrow. "I thought you wanted to stop," he said, not being stingy with the sarcasm. Ranma could see the telltale glint of mild amusement starting to form in the other's eyes.

"Yeah, well, it ain't like I enjoyed walking into you," Ranma said. "What've you got in that backpack of yours? Rocks?"

"If I did, I'd be putting them to good use and throwing them at you," Ryoga retorted.

Ranma started to make a nasty reply, but stopped himself. No real reason to start an argument and risk ticking off Ryoga even more. "Whatever," he said instead. "So why're we stopped? I thought you wanted to get far away."

"We are far away," Ryoga answered. "Well, a good ten miles or so at least. Besides, it's going to be dark soon." He turned to his left.

Ranma followed his gaze and noted that the sun was perched just above the horizon, making the western sky glow with gold and pink hues. He was a little surprised—it didn't seem like they'd been walking for that long, but then he noticed he was hungry and his feet hurt. He looked to the right of the trail and saw a fairly large clearing. Ryoga had evidently chosen a place to camp.

"Oh," Ranma said, a little lamely. "So you wanna stay here for the night?"

"Since I don't see any fine hotels around, I'm staying here," Ryoga said evenly. "You can go stay wherever you want." He pulled off his pack and knelt beside it.

Ranma scowled at him darkly, getting fed up with the 'This is what I'm doing, you do what you want, because there's still no way we're in this together,' routine. He took off his own pack and tossed it down near Ryoga's.

"Listen P-chan, I'm comin' with you on this stupid trip whether you like it or not, so—hey!" Ranma ducked as a black-and-yellow bandanna flew at his head.

"Don't call me P-chan." Ryoga went back to unpacking his supplies.

The pigtailed boy glared at him, his anger rising. "What's your problem? Do you wanna fight?" he challenged, abandoning his earlier decision not to start a fight.

"Not really," Ryoga said calmly, not even looking up from his work.

Ranma could practically feel his chin hitting the ground. "Wh-what?" he stammered, genuinely surprised. Ryoga never turned down a challenge, especially from him.

"I haven't got time to fight with you," Ryoga said. He glanced up at Ranma, who was still busy being shocked. "Are you going to set up, or just stand there all night?" he asked, pulling a pot and some cooking utensils from his pack. Without waiting for an answer, he stood and started searching around the edge of the clearing for firewood.

Ranma watched silently for a few moments. Then he muttered something under his breath about little black pigs and began to unpack his own things.

About half an hour later, Ranma returned to the campsite, having gone to a nearby stream to fill up their canteens. He found Ryoga kneeling next to the small fire he'd built, stirring something in a cooking pot. Ranma placed the canteens next to their packs, then walked over near the fire and sat a few feet from the other boy, not bothering to say anything. After several failed attempts at conversation before going to get more water, the pigtailed boy decided against another try now.

Ryoga picked up a bowl and ladled some of whatever he was cooking into it. Taking a pair of chopsticks from the small pile of utensils beside him, he held it out to Ranma without saying a word. Ranma accepted it with a muttered "Thanks," to which Ryoga didn't reply.

Ranma glanced down at the food. It appeared to be a simple vegetable curry with rice. Made from dehydrated ingredients, no doubt, but it looked and smelled alright. Ranma nearly laughed at himself with that particular thought. He'd eaten Akane's cooking and survived, hadn't he? There's no way Ryoga's could be that bad. He took an experimental bite. It wasn't like Kasumi's curry, but it was pretty good for something made from dried rations and cooked over a campfire.

"Hey, not bad. I didn't know you could cook," Ranma said.

Ryoga glanced up from his own food. "What, did you think I'd been ordering take-out for the past year?"

Ranma frowned. "Geez, givin' you a compliment is like givin' a..." He trailed off as Ryoga's scowl deepened. "Aah, never mind," he muttered. The Lost Boy looked like he was going to say something, but went back to his food instead. Ranma sighed inwardly and did the same.

_Why did I even bother, anyway?_ he wondered. This was going to be harder than he'd counted on... His mouth tightened in resolve. It don't matter. _I'll find some way to do it…_

The blue-eyed boy was soon lost in thought yet again. The two finished their meal in silence as the last of the daylight faded from the sky.

**Sometime later, Ryoga poked at the dying campfire with a stick, staring dully at the swirl of sparks it created. **He glanced over at Ranma's sleeping bag, lying near his own a few feet away. They hadn't pitched their tents since neither liked sleeping in one if they could avoid it. There had been no word of rain on the tiny radio Ryoga carried with him, so the two had just unrolled their sleeping bags where they were. The Lost Boy had kept some of the heated water left over from washing the dishes and put it in his thermos just in case the dewfall turned out to be heavy enough to activate his curse. That shouldn't have been a problem with Ranma around, but he did it anyway, both out of habit and out of his refusal to be dependent on the other boy for anything—even hot water. He watched as Ranma shifted in his sleep, then settled down and began to snore softly.

Ryoga briefly considered grabbing his things and leaving Ranma behind. The pigtailed boy wouldn't wake up, Ryoga knew; Ranma slept like a rock. It was a tempting idea. The last thing Ryoga had needed was for him to come along.

Ryoga sighed and looked back at the fire, watching the orange and yellow flames dance in the gentle breeze. He took a deep breath of the cool night air, enjoying the scent of wood smoke and pine. It wouldn't do any good if he left now, since Ranma would probably just follow him anyway.

_And with my luck and sense of direction, I'd probably just end up right back here in the morning,_ Ryoga thought, not without some bitterness. He clasped his hands out in front of him and stretched wearily. He was tired—exhausted, actually, a factor that made it not the best of times to go running through the woods in the middle of the night just because Ranma decided to play tag-along.

_At least if he's out here following me, he isn't at a telephone dialing a certain number…_

Yes, if there was any benefit to Ranma's company, it was that. Of course, anyone else in Nerima who knew him could find one of those posters...but it wasn't likely. How many people actually paid attention to missing child posters anyway? Not a lot—or so Ryoga hoped. It was just his luck that one of them would find its way straight into Ranma's hands.

The Lost Boy stirred the fire again and stood up. The sense of near-panic he'd been feeling had faded significantly after they'd been in the woods for a couple of hours, but he still felt tense and kind of shaky inside. Awhile back, when they'd first entered the forest, Ryoga had been practically biting his tongue to keep from screaming. Adrenaline had been streaming through him, and he could almost hear his instincts yelling Run, run, get away... Having Ranma a few feet behind him tossing questions the whole time had hardly helped. But there was no way he was going to fight with the other martial artist. A fight meant wasting precious time.

Ryoga frowned. He hated running away…he wondered if he's a coward for being scared off by a stupid piece of paper. Shouldn't he go back, and fight like he was supposed to? He was a martial artist, wasn't he? The Lost Boy shook his head, trying to clear his mind of the doubts whirling through it. No, this wasn't something he was prepared to fight, if there was a way to fight it at all. His martial arts skills couldn't help him with this.

_They never did before, did they?_ he thought ruefully. All he could do for now was run.

Ryoga tipped his head back to look at the stars, their cold whiteness sparkling against a midnight blue sky framed by the branches of trees. The stars were so far away...

A short while later, he pulled his gaze from the sky and walked over to his sleeping bag. Ryoga slipped inside as Ranma continued to sleep, oblivious to the world around him. Ryoga laid on his back and stared up at the night sky again, knowing that it would be a long time before he fell asleep.


	4. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Ranma ½ is property of Rumiko Takahashi and Viz, Fuji, Kitty, and all those other people except for me. I'm just borrowing the characters for a bit, and I'm not making any money from it, so don't sue me.

Chapter 3

Revelations

_Where do I take this pain of mine?_

_I run, but it stays right by my side_

_So tear me open, pour me out_

_There's things inside that scream and shout_

_And the pain still hates me_

_So hold me_

_Until it sleeps…_

~Metallica, "Until it Sleeps"

**Ranma awakened slowly, an unusual chill in his room chasing off the comfort of sleep. **He also noticed some other unusual things—for once, his father wasn't snoring, and was that really wood smoke he smelled?

_What the heck is Kasumi making for breakfast that smells like that?_ he wondered groggily, looking about through half-open eyes. _And since when have there been trees growing in the house?_ His eyes snapped open the rest of the way and he sat up, staring in bewilderment at his surroundings.

_Oh, that's right. I'm in the middle of the woods 'cause I was stupid and decided to follow Ryoga out here…speaking of which, where _is_ he?_ Ranma glanced around the campsite. The fire was burning brightly as it consumed a fresh stack of wood, and a pile of cooking supplies was set out nearby. Ryoga's sleeping bag was folded neatly beside his pack. But Ranma was alone in the clearing.

"I hope he didn't wander off and get lost already," the pigtailed boy muttered. He stood and stretched, carefully working out the stiffness from the cold of the night, being cautious not to overdo it. A pulled muscle would definitely not make this trip more fun.

Ranma walked over to the fire and knelt beside it, enjoying its warmth in the crisp air. He decided to wait a few minutes before searching for Ryoga, since there was a slim possibility that the wandering martial artist had stayed on the trail and would find his way back on his own. Actually, Ranma was half surprised that Ryoga hadn't just taken off and left him there some time in the night, considering that how unenthusiastic the Lost Boy had seemed about having him come along in the first place.

Ranma stirred the fire and placed a few more sticks on the licking flames, then picked up the pot of water sitting next to it and set it close to the heat. He gave a quick examination to the things Ryoga had left out, then started to prepare the food. A few minutes later he had breakfast cooking.

He allowed a short while to pass, then looked around and heaving a sigh. The Lost Boy was still nowhere to be seen. Ranma rose slowly from the ground and wandered over to the path, glaring at the dew that immediately attached to his shoes and proceeded to soak through.

Maybe he's scouting ahead or something, Ranma thought wryly. Wouldn't that be a trip. He continued down the path a ways, blinking in the early-morning sunlight as it crept through the trees. Several yards down from the campsite, he noticed a smaller path breaking off the main trail to his left. Ranma paused for a moment, then shrugged and started down it. It was a bit overgrown, but still clearly visible and easily passable.

Peering through the underbrush to the sides of the path as he went, the pigtailed boy searched for any sign of his missing companion. A bird chirped loudly over his head as it fluffed its feathers in preparation for the new day, the sound having much more volume than seemed possible to have come from such a small thing. Ranma glanced up at it with mild interest before returning his gaze to the path. Then he discovered the path was no longer there.

In front of him was a large clearing, much bigger than their campsite. Ranma could see the sun mounting behind the trees opposite his position, streaking the sky with orange and gold. Ryoga was in the center of the clearing performing a kata, his form silhouetted against the light of the rising sun. Ranma took a few steps back so as not to disturb the other boy with his intrusion, then proceeded to watch as Ryoga moved from one form to the next. Ranma could tell the kata was a rather complex and difficult one, but Ryoga glided through it smoothly, a calm but intense look of concentration on his face.

Ranma was a little surprised to see his rival moving so fluidly. He knew that Ryoga had always possessed the natural agility that came with a long practice of martial arts, but the Lost Boy never seemed to have it to a degree any greater than that. His frequent charges and heavy blows had never labeled Ryoga as one of the more graceful people Ranma knew, but as he watched the other boy's movements now, he began to rethink his prior conclusion.

Ryoga completed a form perfectly, then didn't seem to move so much as to flow into the next one, balancing easily. It occurred to Ranma that he'd really only seen Ryoga fight when he was angry. While anger could often give a person strength, it could also make them clumsy if they lost their focus while in the grip of emotion. Ranma started to believe that this might be the case with Ryoga.

_He could fight so much better if he'd concentrate like that during a match,_ the pigtailed boy thought to himself. _If he could just control his stupid temper…_

Ranma was pulled from his thoughts as he realized that Ryoga was standing in the last position, facing the sun-streaked horizon. _Speaking of his temper, I'll bet he loses it if he sees me over here,_ he noted with alarm.

As if hearing the other young man's thoughts, Ryoga started to turn around. Ranma hurriedly strode into the clearing, putting himself in plain sight. "Yo, Ryoga! Are you gonna come eat, or what?" he called.

Ryoga turned the rest of the way, his scowl firmly in place as he glared at the other martial artist.

Ranma sighed inwardly. Things didn't seem to be looking up.

**Once again, Ranma found himself trudging along the trail behind Ryoga.** The sky was turquoise through the trees overhead, and birds perching on the branches raised their voices in song. The afternoon sun was pleasantly warm on Ranma's shoulders as it shone through the leaves, but he hardly noticed.

It had been four days since they'd left Nerima. Ranma mentally reviewed them as he kicked at a rock in the middle of the trail bad-temperedly. Three more days of Ryoga's steely near-silence hadn't only been frustrating, it had stung. Admittedly, neither of the young men could be called expert conversationalists, but they usually got along better than this. Ranma had tried asking him about the poster, but hadn't gotten so much as a word. The only signal that Ryoga had even heard him at all was a slight stiffening of his shoulders. He'd tried talking to him about other things as well, but Ryoga always replied with "Leave me alone," and went on with whatever he was doing. At this point, Ranma couldn't decide which was worse, being ignored or having those three icy little words tossed at him.

Either way, I've about had it with this, he concluded. He felt like he had no control, and it was a maddening feeling for him, one that he refused to put up with for long. Ranma paused in his steps and looked up determinedly, deciding to forget tact. He strode forward to move alongside the bandana'd boy, who continued down the path without bothering to look up.

"Hey," Ranma began.

Ryoga didn't acknowledge him, but just kept walking, apparently deep in thought.

"Ryoga," Ranma tried again, annoyed by the other's utter lack of interest.

Still nothing.

"Ryoga." Ranma's voice rose.

"What?" Ryoga snapped finally, sounding exasperated but still not meeting the other boy's eyes.

"What's wrong with you?" Ranma asked.

"Leave me alo-"

"No way!" Ranma exclaimed, grabbing Ryoga's arm and pulling him to a stop. The bandana'd boy finally looked at him, his eyes burning.

"Let go," he said in the flat, cold voice Ranma had become accustomed to over the past few days. His muscles were tense beneath Ranma's hand.

"No. Quit bein' such a jerk," Ranma said. "You don't even have any idea where we are, do you?"

"Like I care."

"Well ya should, you idiot!" Ranma shouted, losing what little patience he'd had when he entered the conversation. "In case you haven't noticed, we're almost out of food."

Ryoga gave him his slightly evil-looking half-grin. "Well, aren't you the spoiled one," he said mockingly, to which Ranma responded by glaring at him threateningly. "So what if it's almost gone? It's not like we can't catch a rabbit or something."

Ranma let go of his arm and pushed himself away. "What are you, nuts? I ain't eatin' no stupid dead rabbit!" he said disgustedly.

"Why not?" Ryoga asked, his tone condescending. "You eat other dead animals all the time, don't you? Dead cows, dead chickens..." Ryoga's voice hardened. "...dead pigs."

"That's not what I meant!" Ranma shouted, unable to believe the subject matter had taken such a morbid turn. "'Course, what'd I expect from you, anyway?" He yanked off his pack and dumped it on grass, then jumped onto a tree limb overhead.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Ryoga called up to him angrily. "And what are you doing?"

Ranma glanced down at him from his perch, his dark blue eyes still flashing with annoyance. "Well, duh. I'm goin' to find some place to look around to see if we're anywhere near a town or something." He peered through the thick curtain of branches unfolding before him. "It looks like there's a clearing ahead. The view should be better from over there." With that, he began spring from branch to branch, heading towards it.

Ryoga followed him with his eyes, his expression dark. I know I've been on this trail before, he thought to himself. He'd been on dozens of trails before, actually, but since this particular one was relatively close to Nerima, he'd frequented it often. Something about it was nagging at the back of his mind, something important. If he remembered correctly, there wasn't a clearing over there, there was...

"Ranma, wait!" Ryoga called. He grabbed the other boy's pack by its straps and started after him, pushing his way through the underbrush. "I don't think you should do that..."

The pigtailed boy ignored him, continuing to bound from limb to limb as he drew nearer to his destination.

"Ranma!" Ryoga yelled again, shoving through more foliage and breaking into a run.

"What?" Ranma finally asked, glancing down at the young man dashing between the tree trunks on the forest floor.

Ryoga watched as Ranma moved on ahead of him. "Stop! Watch where you're going!" he shouted wildly.

"Huh?" Ranma said blankly. He turned his head to look, and was startled to find a yawning empty space opening in front of him. "Whoa!" he yelped, trying the impossible task of halting in mid-leap. Instead of a clearing, Ranma found the edge of the forest dropping off before him. He managed to land on a limb hanging precariously over the edge of the cliff, but his momentum threw him off balance as he tried to stop the forward motion of his body. He stumbled, nearly toppling off the branch before managing to grab hold of it with his hands.

"Jeez, that was close," he said, gasping for breath and staring down at the steep, rocky drop-off below him. He raised a hand to brush his bangs out of his eyes, relieved that he hadn't gone careening off. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw Ryoga making his way through the underbrush, but he didn't have much time to reflect on the incident any further. A sharp crack split the air as the limb Ranma was standing on snapped under his weight. His eyes went wide at the sound, and he scrambled to jump to a safer location, but it was too late. With a single shout of dismay, he plunged over the edge.

Too far behind to do anything, Ryoga dashed to the edge of the cliff and dropped to his knees, watching helplessly as Ranma landed in a large pool of water at the bottom.

"Ranma!" he called, staring downwards anxiously. He saw a redheaded form float to the surface of the water and remain there, unmoving.

"That idiot!" the Lost Boy hissed. Dropping Ranma's pack, Ryoga stood to pull off his own. He studied the side of the cliff for a moment, then jumped to a ledge about ten feet below. He searched for another one and turned, using his hands to grip the rock as he half-slid, half-climbed down to it, trying to make his descent as quickly as possible without falling. Luckily, the precipice was a fairly small one, and wasn't entirely sheer. Being careful not to land in the lake himself, Ryoga leapt to the ground and darted over to the edge of the water.

Ranma had landed about ten feet from the shore in the shallows, where she was floating facedown. Ryoga gritted his teeth—shallow or not, he couldn't touch the water. He looked around for something he could use to pull the girl out and spotted a long tree branch lying near the edge of the pool, likely the same one Ranma had been perched on. Ryoga grabbed it, but discovered with dismay that it wouldn't be long enough to reach the motionless form in the pool. He glanced critically at the large boulders jutting up through the water's edge, then cautiously made his way to the one farthest out on the lake. Balanced on the rock, he stretched the branch out towards the unconscious girl and managed to hook it through Ranma's belt. As soon as he'd pulled her close enough, Ryoga dropped the branch and grabbed her by the collar of her shirt. It was soaking wet, but so long as he was careful, it shouldn't activate his curse—or so Ryoga hoped. If it did…

Ryoga struggled to pull Ranma from the water and onto the rock, then paused to get a better grip on her clothing before leaping back to shore. Laying her down on her back, he knelt beside her anxiously to see if she was still breathing.

"Ranma?" he asked nervously, his dark eyes wide. The girl didn't respond. Ryoga held his hand near her mouth and nose, but felt nothing.

"Damn it," he swore. He climbed to his feet and draped Ranma's body facedown over his left arm, then struck her firmly between the shoulder blades with the heel of his right hand.

Ranma shuddered and coughed up a deluge of water, then took a gasping breath and coughed again. Ryoga kept his hand on her back as he waited for her to finish. After a few moments, Ranma's breathing became regular, if a bit raspy. Ryoga sighed in relief that he hadn't had to resort to mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Now that Ranma was fine, the thought made him shiver inwardly as he turned her over in his arms.

"I don't suppose you're going to do me a favor and wake up, are you?" he asked her discontentedly. As he'd predicted, Ranma remained unconscious.

_Leave it to him to take full advantage of an opportunity for a nap,_ Ryoga thought to himself. He glanced down and noticed that her right ankle was starting to swell and bruise, meaning that Ranma had either twisted it while trying to get off the branch or had somehow landed on it when he hit the water. Ryoga's expression grew troubled. The first aid kit was in his pack…he looked at the face of a cliff rising in front of him and sighed heavily. The fun just never stopped.

Ryoga slung Ranma's limp form over his left shoulder and locked his arm around her knees. Making sure she was settled firmly in place, he went to the base of the cliff and began to climb. Despite his strength, it was a laborious journey with the added weight and using only one hand, forcing Ryoga to struggle with maintaining his balance and test each handhold before pulling himself up.

**When Ryoga finally reached the top, the sun was much lower in the sky.** He placed Ranma on the ground and sat down to rest. After a few minutes, he walked over to where he'd abandoned their packs in the grass. Scowling slightly, Ryoga took Ranma's and unfastened the straps, then bound them around the umbrella stuck through the loops on the top of his own.

_Bet my back will thank me for this one,_ he thought wryly as he slipped the straps over his arms, keeping his feet wide apart for balance. He gritted his teeth as they dug deeply into his shoulders. Moving slowly as he tried to get accustomed to walking with the added load, Ryoga returned to where Ranma was lying and glared at the redhead resentfully. "You idiot," he muttered, "this is all your fault." He knelt to slip his left arm under her shoulders and the other beneath her knees, then lifted her carefully. Holding her in front of him helped to even out the weight on his back somewhat, but it was still a long shot from being comfortable. Ryoga trudged over to the self-made path he'd created through the underbrush earlier and picked his way through the crumpled foliage until he reached the main trail. Muttering expletives about cliff-jumping perverts with pigtails, he made his way up the path as the sun continued to sink lower in the sky.

**Some time later, Ranma awakened to find herself lying on a low bed in a small cabin built of rough-hewn logs. **A cool breeze was blowing in through the doorway near the foot of the bed, which apparently lacked an actual door. A fire was burning brightly in the small stone fireplace against the wall opposite where she was lying, and Ranma spotted Ryoga sitting on the floor in front of it, lighting a lantern he'd found somewhere. Glancing through one of the tiny windows, Ranma noticed that the sun was setting; it's fiery orange form visible through the trees as it painted the surrounding sky with tones of red and violet.

Ranma watched it drop below the horizon, then turned her attention to herself. She was lying on her sleeping bag—Ryoga must have unrolled it for her. Her hair and clothes were slightly damp in places, and her chest ached a little. She also noticed that her right foot was propped up on her pack at the bottom of the bed, and her ankle was wrapped in a stiff bandage. Ranma dimly remembered hitting the water feet first, and feeling a flash of pain before being knocked unconscious from the fall.

_Oh, great. That'll make walking fun, _Ranma thought in annoyance. She propped herself up on a slender arm. _Why didn't that jerk warn me there was a cliff over there _before_ I fell off it?_

Ranma glanced down at her petite female form and scowled. And I suppose some hot water is too much to ask for, right? She returned her gaze to Ryoga, a touch of irritation flowing through her.

As though sensing the eyes upon him, Ryoga turned around. Ranma noticed immediately that his face looked unnaturally drawn, as though in pain or weariness. The sight was a disconcerting one, and for a moment, Ranma forgot to be mad.

"It's about time you woke up," the bandana'd boy said. His voice had the slightly cynical, irritated tone it often carried, but he sounded tired more than anything.

The pigtailed girl sat up carefully and swung her legs down off the bed. She put some pressure on her right foot, testing gingerly as she frowned at her companion. "Yeah, well, this wouldna happened if you'd told me there was a cliff over there," she retorted, her own anger having returned as a result of the Lost Boy's words. She wiggled her ankle experimentally. It didn't hurt too badly, and it was wrapped well. "Some hot water woulda been nice."

Ryoga's eyes darkened. "Oh, sorry. I guess dragging you out of the lake, hauling you back up the cliff, and carrying you here wasn't enough," he said bitingly. _Not to mention getting you breathing again, fixing your ankle, and carrying your pack,_ he continued mentally. He rose to his feet. "And you should've been watching where you were going," he snapped.

Ranma considered a reply but held it back, watching as Ryoga lifted his hand from his side to look at it thoughtfully, his expression no longer angry. "You never watch where you're going," he added softly.

Ranma stared at him oddly. "What's that supposed to mean?" she demanded.

Ryoga raised his eyes to meet hers, his expression hardening again at the tone of her voice. "It's true," he said, his eyes burning. "You run around without paying attention to anyone or anything else because you're too busy trying to get what you want," Ryoga continued, his voice rising. "And you're so damn intent on your own selfish needs that you don't even notice that you're hurting people!"

"What the heck are you talking about?" Ranma asked, both surprised and confused by the Lost Boy's words. This was the most Ryoga had said to her since they left Nerima, but it wasn't anything Ranma would've expected. On occasion, Ranma had seen Ryoga slip off into some tirade that seemed to make absolutely no sense, but this was completely out of the blue.

"Don't you understand? That's exactly what you do," Ryoga said heatedly. "You do it to almost everyone, whether its with your stupid mouth or the way you act, or..." He trailed off and looked away.

Ranma continued to stare at him. "Or what?" she asked heavily.

Ryoga faced her again. "If you'd been watching where you were going when we were at Jusenkyo, none of this would've happened, would it?" he demanded loudly.

Ranma blinked at him, then narrowed her eyes. "Is that what this is all about? I fall off a cliff and you start blaming me for everything that's wrong in your life again?" Her delicate face contorted in anger. "Why do you think I came out here, anyway? For my health?" She clenched her fists and stood, ignoring the pain in her ankle. "I've been trying to help you, but you just keep acting like a stubborn jerk who-"

"I didn't ask you to come!" Ryoga nearly shouted at her. "And I don't want your help!"

"Well, you obviously need it!" Ranma shouted back, her feminine voice rising in pitch. "Do you think this is just going to go away?"

"I don't need help," Ryoga said tightly, looking down at the floor. His entire body appeared to be tensed, as though he was barely keeping his temper in check.

"Yeah, right, Ryoga. You're absolutely fine," Ranma replied sarcastically. "I'm sure your parents or whoever put out that poster will just forget about you if you hide in the woods for awhile. Why would they care about some kid who can't even find his way through his own backyard?" she asked mockingly.

Ryoga squeezed his eyes shut, incapable of remaining unaffected by the verbal jab. "Shut up," he said, his voice shaking. "You don't know anything."

"Why are you running away? Is it because of your curse? Are you afraid of how they'll react when they find out their son is a little black pig?" Ranma knew she was being cruel, but four days' worth of frustration was coming out in a torrent, and stopping her mouth once it had started had never been a task she was good at. "I wouldn't worry, you've kept it secret from Akane long enough, maybe you can just lie to them too-"

"Shut up!" Ryoga shouted, his voice ripping from his throat. Ranma prepared to drop into a fighting stance, expecting him to attack, but the Lost Boy rushed towards the door instead. "You don't know anything!"

Ranma stepped in his path and tried to stop him, but Ryoga shoved her out of the way and dashed outside. She could see the tears already running down his face as he passed, and cursed herself inwardly for what had happened. She started to follow, but something sitting by the fireplace caught her eye, something that Ryoga had inadvertently been blocking from her view with his body.

"Oh, hell."

It was Ryoga's cooking pot, filled with water. Ranma limped over to it and picked it up, gazing ruefully at the wisps of steam drifting from the surface. Good one, Saotome, she thought as she dumped it over her head. Ranma bent down to loosen the bandage around his ankle, then headed for the door.

Ryoga was standing under a pine tree about twenty feet away, his back facing the cabin and his right hand resting on the trunk, the other at his side. _Damn him…_he thought silently, fighting to keep the tears in his eyes from falling as he stared at the ground. The wind whispered softly through the trees, gently tousling his black hair as the near-full moon rose in the deep blue sky, casting its silvery light on the forest. He rubbed at the watery trails already streaking his face, feeling as though something inside him had been torn asunder by Ranma's words, releasing an old but familiar pain.

Ranma winced inwardly. The way Ryoga was standing indicated to him that he'd done a thorough job in upsetting the Lost Boy. He took a few steps closer to where the bandana'd martial artist was standing, his expression troubled. "Ryoga?" he said quietly, his tone apologetic. He saw the other boy's hand form a fist, then release.

"Leave me alone," Ryoga said, his voice catching in his throat. He didn't turn around.

Ranma opened his mouth, intending to say something more, but abandoned the idea, deciding that if Ryoga wanted to be by himself for a while, it was probably better to just let him be. He limped back to the door of the cabin resignedly, wishing he hadn't let his mouth get so out of control. "Have it your way," he sighed under his breath as he trudged inside. He went to lie down on the bed. Tucking his hands beneath his head, Ranma stared at the ceiling, feeling low.

_What did I go and do that for?_ he asked himself silently. _As though he ain't upset enough as it is._

The whole incident had been a little strange, now that he thought of it. Ryoga rarely came out and said what he really felt about something, he usually just yelled about how Ranma had caused all his suffering and then launched into some violent attack, or something along those lines. Ranma frowned thoughtfully. Ryoga's actions were becoming ever the more puzzling to him—first taking off the way he had when Ranma had showed him the poster, then the ongoing silence and refusal to fight, and now this most recent outburst.

_If he would just tell me what's going on… _Ranma considered what Ryoga had said to him. _Do I really do that? _he wondered. _Hurt people without even noticing, like he said? _The pigtailed boy knew tact was not one of his stronger assets, and he'd said things that upset people lots of times, but it wasn't like he meant to. Ticking off Akane, Shampoo, or Ukyo wasn't something he regularly did on purpose, especially given the usual result: a fist or a mallet or a giant spatula being swung at his head. He could never seem to stop himself from jibing at Ryoga, but it wasn't with the intention of making the Lost Boy fly into a violent rage, it was just that he couldn't help letting his mouth get ahead of him. But he didn't do any real damage did he? And as for knocking Ryoga into the Spring...

_Maybe he does got a point there, _Ranma conceded. After all, what if it hadn't been Ryoga? What if it had just been some person passing by that he didn't even know? Talk about a guilt trip.

_Oh, but the fact that it was Ryoga makes it alright, does it?_

"Ah, shut up," Ranma muttered. He was sick of the little whispering voice in his head and its unwanted rhetorical musings and advice. Then he realized he'd spoken out loud.

Great, now I'm goin' crazy, hearin' little voices and talkin' back to 'em. I just wish I could find some way to get this over with, and go back home where it's normal…

Ranma almost laughed at the thought. Normal was hardly the word for daily life in Nerima. He glanced at the fire to see if it needed more wood and noticed Ryoga's backpack lying on the floor.

"Hmm," he said musingly. He lay back on the bed and closed his eyes, but he didn't fall asleep.

**A long time later, Ranma heard Ryoga quietly enter the cabin. **He listened as the other boy unrolled his sleeping bag on the floor and slipped inside, then opened one eye cautiously. The fire, now low, cast a reddish glow on the interior walls of the room and lengthened the shadows that flickered across them. Ryoga was lying halfway in front of the hearth, almost directly in line with the door. He was on his side, facing away from the bed, with his pack lying a few feet away from the bottom of his sleeping bag.

Satisfied, Ranma settled back to wait. He allowed about a half hour to pass, then got up and walked over to Ryoga's sleeping form. He stopped about a foot away and listened carefully, making sure that Ryoga's quiet breathing was deep and regular.

_Ok, time for the next step, _Ranma said to himself. He moved to Ryoga's backpack, keeping silent as he knelt beside it and carefully pulled the umbrella out of its fastenings and laid it to one side. Then he undid the closures and flipped back the top flap. _He carries his whole life around in this thing, Ranma thought as he worked. There's gotta be something that'll give me a clue…_

Ranma pulled the items out of Ryoga's backpack carefully, being sure to memorize what was where. He found Ryoga's extra clothes on top, along with a towel and folded tent, and placed them on the floor next to the umbrella. Then he found cooking supplies, all tucked neatly within the single pot, and next to that the bin holding his soap and other bath things. After that came a small kettle, followed by a miniature heater with a single burner. Undaunted, Ranma continued his search. He was about to pull out a first-aid kit, but he heard Ryoga shift in his sleep and froze.

The pigtailed boy watched as Ryoga rolled over on his back, letting out a sharp breath. He remained still for a moment; then turned his head to the side, muttering something that was unintelligible but sounded agitated.

Ranma continued to watch anxiously, not even daring to breathe. _Man, if he wakes up, I'm dead!_ he groaned inwardly.

Ryoga swung his head to the other side restlessly, as though he was trying to pull away from something. "No," he whispered, his eyes squeezed tightly shut.

Ranma frowned, puzzled. Is he dreamin' or something?

"Please," Ryoga said, his voice nearly a moan. His expression grew pained. "Stop!" he breathed, shifting back onto his stomach. He let out a soft sob that was laced with a note of uneasy fear.

_Must be some wicked nightmare to make him do that, _Ranma mused, feeling a little concerned. He padded over to the sleeping boy's side, knowing that Ryoga might wake up if he didn't do something. He knelt down next to him and placed a tentative hand on Ryoga's back. He flinched slightly at the touch, and Ranma could feel the tenseness of Ryoga's body beneath his hand.

"It's alright, man," Ranma said softly. "Go back to sleep."

Ranma let out a sigh of relief as Ryoga relaxed a moment later, but was troubled to see that the other boy's face remained lined with stress. There wasn't really much Ranma could do about it though, so he waited until Ryoga's breathing became slow and deep again, then withdrew his hand. He paused to fold a corner of the sleeping bag back over Ryoga's shoulder where it had slipped off, then returned to his search.

That was close, Ranma reflected as he peered inside the open pack again. He noticed what appeared to be books lying at the bottom, and reached in to pull them out, his brow furrowing curiously.

_What the…schoolbooks?_

Ranma shuffled through them, scanning the titles. Applications of Geometry, Exploration of the English Language, Contemporary Japanese Literature…

Some of these are the same ones that me and Akane got, the pigtailed marital artist noted. He opened one of them—a math book—and flipped to a page near the center. All of the exercises were completed in Ryoga's neat, albeit slightly unruly, handwriting. Ranma read through a few of the problems, and was surprised to find that as far as he could tell, the answers were correct.

_Huh. I never would've guessed he was one to care about his education, _Ranma thought. His father had always made him take his books along when they were on the road, but Ranma had skipped doing his studies as much as possible, preferring to work on his martial arts more than his schoolwork. But Ryoga didn't have Genma hounding him, and he'd never seemed much the scholarly type.

_Guess he needs somethin' to keep him busy while he's out here by himself. Figures he would pick somethin' dull like high school math and stuff,_ Ranma mused, though he couldn't help being a little impressed that Ryoga would bother to do such a thing. He thought back to the time when Akane had been tutoring Ryoga several months before. She'd mentioned something about him being pretty good for someone who'd dropped out of school a couple years ago, and Ranma wondered if Ryoga had been doing his own studying before then or if Akane's encouragement had inspired him to keep it up. Either way, given that most of the Lost Boy's time was occupied with survival, it was somewhat remarkable that he'd managed to nearly keep pace with those who spent half their day in a classroom.

Ranma carefully placed everything back inside, being sure to put it all back the way he'd found it. If Ryoga noticed something out of place the next day, it wouldn't be difficult for him to figure out who the culprit was.

_Well, that didn't turn up much. _Ranma finished replacing Ryoga's belongings. There were still the outer pockets to search, so he began with one on the left. A quick surveillance produced a pouch full of yen coins, some pencils and a small metal sharpener, a half a book of stamps, and a pad of paper.

_Yeah, he does math problems and writes stupid challenge letters,_ Ranma thought wryly. He moved on to the front pocket and found the last of their dried rations, a box of matches (the waterproof kind, Ranma noticed), Ryoga's canteen, and a small thermos. He repacked the supplies and continued on, but turned up nothing aside from necessities and tools for surviving alone in the wilderness. The pigtailed boy sighed and looked at the last pocket. _Here goes nothin'._

He pulled up the snap holding the flap closed and peered inside. It was empty except for a small, flat tin. Ranma pulled it out for closer examination, wondering what it contained. It was about six inches long and maybe four or five inches wide, painted black with silver leaves scrolling around the border.

_Note to self: next time I dig through someone's stuff, check small outer pockets first_, Ranma thought. He pushed up the little latch holding the lid closed and popped it back.

Inside was a stack of several items, most of which looked like papers. Ranma set the tin on the floor and picked up the first one. It looked like a page torn from a book and folded in half. Unfolding it, he found a small, shiny black feather tucked inside. He also noticed a few lines of writing, which turned out to be haiku about the sea, then refolded it and put the feather back inside. He pulled the next one from the tin and found it was a battered a map of Tokyo. _Bet that never did him any good, _Ranma mused as he placed it on the floor near the first paper.

He picked up a photograph next. The colors were a bit faded from age, but the image was clear. It pictured a man and a woman who looked to be in their mid-twenties. The woman was beautiful, with long black hair and dark green eyes, and had a ring of white flowers adorning her head. The man had shoulder length brown hair and dark brown eyes; and was nearly as handsome as the woman beside him was beautiful. Though the photo was only from the waist up, Ranma could tell it was a wedding picture. The man was wearing a black tuxedo, his wife a shining white gown. Their arms were around each other and they were both smiling radiantly.

_These must be his parents,_ Ranma realized. He could see shadows of Ryoga's features in the couple's faces. _Wonder if he'd look like that if he smiled. Hard to tell since he only does it about once a month…_

And that was usually the slightly evil-looking half-grin; if not that, then the weak, nervous smile Ryoga got when Akane was around. The other alternative was the rare, semi-maniacal one that surfaced on the occasions when reality was becoming a little too unreal. Ranma frowned. Come to think of it, he'd never seen Ryoga smile like he was really happy...

The pigtailed boy shook his head to clear it. Beneath the first photo was a second one, smaller and newer. Holding it up for a better look, Ranma failed to suppress a hint of a smile at the sight. This one was of Ryoga's mother holding Ryoga in her lap. He looked to have been about five when the picture was taken. The woman was smiling again, but Ryoga was simply looking at the camera as though it was only mildly interesting. Still, he looked almost pathetically cute with his thick black hair and large dark eyes. Ranma placed it to the side and sifted through the remaining items in the tin slowly. He found a picture of everyone at the Tendos' house at Christmas, likely given to him by Kasumi, and the spotted piece of cloth Akane had used to tie a pencil in the Lost Boy's hand during his last extended stay at the dojo. He also found another poem, a lacy red maple leaf preserved between two pieces of waxed paper, a few postcards from various places in Japan…there were several items that Ranma recognized, one of which, he realized with a slight pang, was a tiny paper crane almost identical to one he had left with his few possessions at home. An art class in junior high, the teacher had given Ranma gray paper and Ryoga had been given red. They'd been sitting at the same table—it was his habit to hang around the Lost Boy, whether his presence was appreciated or not, since most of the other students failed to hold his interest. He remembered making some childish complaint about the color of his paper, and Ryoga had pushed his own over to him to trade, saying he didn't care about the color. The teacher had been telling them some story as they folded the paper into birds, and had then instructed them to exchange the finished product with someone else. Ryoga had immediately appeared crestfallen at the teacher's instruction, assuming that no one would want to trade with him. He'd stood up and left the room, and Ranma remembered watching him go and wishing he'd said something. As a result, Ranma hadn't traded with anyone either. It seemed like a silly thing to have been upset over, but he had been, and he'd tried to get some consolation by reminding himself that they'd traded papers at the beginning, which was almost the same thing…

The pigtailed boy blinked, letting the memory fade. He wondered why Ryoga had kept it all these years, since junior high didn't seem like something he would want to be reminded of. Then again, a lot of the things Ranma had discovered in the tin seemed like they would carry a sad or bitter undertone for the Lost Boy—he wasn't even in the photo of the Christmas party, and he hadn't enrolled in school after all…but then again, Ranma realized, what else did Ryoga have? It was a depressing thought, and he felt a stab of guilt over the unpleasantness he'd caused in the wandering young man's life, even if it was at times reciprocated.

Ranma sighed and sorted through the rest. It was beginning to seem like he was pumping a dry well. Although many of the items in the tin were interesting, they didn't seem helpful in telling him anything he didn't already know. He was feeling a little frustrated until he found something significant at the very bottom—two pieces of newspaper, folded several times each.

Ranma picked up one of them and unfolded it carefully. It was slightly yellowed with age, and all he saw was a group of ads on the side he was looking at. Flipping it over, he discovered it to be a short article. He scanned the headline.

_Woman Killed in Fatal Car Accident,_ Ranma read. He continued to the first lines of the article, a heavy feeling settling inside him. He put the paper on the floor and grabbed the second one, unfolding it quickly.

It was an obituary.

_Kyoko Hibiki, 39..._ Ranma skipped to the last few lines. _She is survived by her husband, Shin Hibiki, and son Ryoga Hibiki..._

"Oh...Ryoga..." Ranma whispered, his throat feeling tight. He let his hand drop to his lap as he looked at Ryoga's sleeping form, sympathy washing through him as the implications of his discovery sank in. Then Ranma refolded the papers and placed them back in the tin, stacking the other items on top. After slipping the box into Ryoga's bag, he went over to the bed and opened his own pack. He pulled out the poster, now a bit rumpled from handling, and laid it on the bed.

_It says he disappeared when he was fourteen, _Ranma noted, studying it thoughtfully. _He must have been about that age when this was taken._

Ranma gazed at it closely. He could see Ryoga's shoulders in the picture, and although it was black and white, Ranma was pretty sure he was wearing the uniform for their school. _It must have been one of those stupid identification photos they took of us_, he decided. Ryoga was unsmiling in the picture, scowling as was usual even for back then. But there was an unfamiliar look in his eyes, a sort of melancholy longing, as though he'd rather be anyplace else but in front of the camera. Ranma remembered the date in the article.

_This was taken only a few years after his mother died…_

Ranma slipped the paper back into his pack and placed it on the floor before lying back on the bed.

_Guess that explains a few things,_ he thought to himself. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep, but in his mind's eye he kept seeing the pretty smiling woman from the photo with Ryoga standing beside her.


	5. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Ranma ½ belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and all those other folks at Viz and whatnot. They're not mine. I'm just borrowing them, to occupy both myself and you until something more exciting comes along, like, say, Ryoga wearing a thong.

Chapter 4

~ Circles ~

_The door cracks open_

_But there's no sun shining through_

_Black heart scarring darker still_

_But there's no sun shining through_

_No there's no sun shining through_

_No there's no sun shining_

_What I've felt, what I've known_

_Turn the pages, turn to stone_

_Behind the door, should I open it for you?_

_What I've felt, what I've known_

_Sick and tired, I stand alone_

_Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you_

_Or are you unforgiven too?_

~Metallica, "The Unforgiven II"

Ranma yawned around his toothbrush and rubbed at his eyes with his free hand, warding off the brightness of the morning sun as it spread its rays over the forest. He finished brushing his teeth, then leaned around the side of the doorway to spit out the toothpaste on the ground. He picked up his canteen from its place by his feet and took a drink, peering around the corner to see if Ryoga was on his way back yet. The stream running near their path passed through the woods right behind the cabin, so Ryoga had gone to take a bath. Ranma had said nothing as he watched the Lost Boy heat up the necessary water to take with him. Because of his curse, Ryoga had to take hot water and use half of it to soap up, then jump into the stream in a place where his little pig body wouldn't get swept away to rinse himself off, then get out and dump more hot water on himself to change back to normal. It was quite a painstaking process for something as simple as washing, and Ranma wondered if he would be so diligent about going through all that every day if his curse was like Ryoga's.

The blue-eyed boy didn't see him, so he reentered the cabin and started to roll up his sleeping bag, wincing a little as he remembered the events that had already taken place that morning. He'd overslept because of the activities that had kept him up late the night before, so eventually Ryoga had taken it upon himself to wake him up. The Lost Boy obviously hadn't slept well either, and had already been annoyed at oversleeping himself. Spending ten minutes trying to shake and yell Ranma awake hadn't improved his mood.

_Everything I do ticks him off, _Ranma thought crossly. He glanced up as Ryoga came inside, his black hair heavy with moisture and hanging low over his bandanna. _I make him mad even faster than Akane._

Ryoga went to his bag and started packing his belongings away. He had hoped taking a plunge in the icy water of the stream would help wake him up a little, but in that sense, the bath had been in vain. He hadn't been sleeping well all week, and he'd hardly slept at all the night before, given that every time he'd managed to drift off, he'd had another nightmare. He'd gone to bed about an hour before midnight, but that had only lasted until the small hours of the morning, when he'd been jarred from slumber with his heart pounding, gasping for breath. After that, he'd decided to give up on sleep for awhile. Ryoga had gone outside instead to watch the moon until it was hanging low in the sky and the first bit of lavender light was visible in the eastern horizon, then finally went back to bed. Once there, he'd tossed and turned, just starting to doze off as the sun was coming up. He figured all in all, he'd gotten somewhere between three and four hours' worth—not enough for someone who had a full day of hiking ahead of him.

Ryoga glanced at Ranma resentfully. He was no stranger to bad dreams, but he was pretty sure that if the pigtailed boy weren't here making him remember things he'd rather forget, he wouldn't be having so many. And if that wasn't bad enough, the things Ranma had said to him last night seem to have added a new dimension to Ryoga's nightmares. The memory of that particular dream, the one about his curse, made him shudder involuntarily.

Ranma saw Ryoga tremble and looked at him curiously. "You alright?" he asked.

The Lost Boy glared at him. Why did Ranma have to watch him all the damn time? Ryoga was tiring of this pseudo-concern over his well-being, especially since it was no secret that Ranma didn't care one way or the other. "I'm fine," he snapped irritably.

The blue-eyed boy shrugged, seemingly undaunted by the other boy's hostility. "Ok. Jeez, I was just askin'." He had a feeling Ryoga's temper was going to be even shorter than usual today. He waited for the bandana'd boy to stand and slip his pack on before they walked out the door.

The path was wide enough for two, so Ranma walked beside Ryoga instead of behind to simplify the task of keeping an eye on him. Despite what he'd said before they left, Ryoga didn't look well, and Ranma was beginning to worry over how much the situation was affecting the wandering martial artist's health. If the Lost Boy cared that Ranma was next to him, he didn't give any indication, so Ranma let his mind return to thinking about the things he'd discovered the night before.

_Well, if his mom died, then it's gotta be his father who's looking for him,_ Ranma decided. _But if Ryoga left almost three years ago, why did his dad wait until now to try and find him? And why's he trying to stay away from him?_

The pigtailed boy was beginning to question just how much of Ryoga's running away had to do with him. It had always seemed kind of strange that the Lost Boy had followed him all over Japan and China because of the stupid bread feud. Sure, the guy had a pretty strong sense of honor and all, but still, they'd only been thirteen when it had started.

_Kinda extreme, I'd say, _Ranma concluded. _There's gotta be more to this…_

The pigtailed martial artist had a feeling that the death of Ryoga's mother had been a big blow to him. He knew Akane and her sisters still missed their mother a lot, and Ranma missed his own mother as well. But at least his mother was alive, and he knew he'd still be able to see her, even if it wasn't often and the circumstances were less than perfect. Ranma couldn't imagine what it would be like to live without ever seeing her again—it had to be rough. But that still didn't explain why Ryoga would be avoiding his father.

The blue-eyed boy pondered this for a few moments, thinking through some possibilities. Maybe it was that Ryoga was afraid because of his curse, or maybe that was part of it, at least. Ranma sure as hell didn't want his mother to find about his curse, so it could be a similar situation with Ryoga and his father.

Thinking about this caused Ranma to recall the events that had transpired the evening before. He glanced at Ryoga out of the corner of his eye._ I wish I'd told him I was sorry. That was a really bad thing to do to him,_ Ranma thought, sighing inwardly. Too late now. It was probably best to not even mention it. He'd thought a lot last night, and had realized just how wrong it had actually been to say what he had. Ryoga hadn't even really been bad to him on this trip; actually, he'd been pretty nice to Ranma in a roundabout way—he hadn't tried to ditch him, he'd shared his food, he hadn't attacked him...and then there was the whole thing about Ranma's plunge over the cliff. The thought of that made the pigtailed boy want to kick himself. Ryoga had tried to warn him, and he hadn't listened. After he'd fallen, Ryoga had come down after him and pulled him from the lake; then carried him back up the cliff and to the cabin they'd stayed in. Somehow, he'd managed to bring Ranma's pack too, and he'd even taken care of the pigtailed boy's injured ankle. That was a lot more than Ranma would've expected someone to do for him, especially Ryoga. And then he'd acted like an ungrateful jerk because Ryoga hadn't poured some hot water on him, starting a huge argument over practically nothing like a complete idiot. Ranma gritted his teeth. To think, he'd instigated the whole thing over the hot water when Ryoga had actually been heating up water for him right then and there.

_He must think I'm a complete jackass,_ Ranma thought. Ukyo's favorite word seemed extremely appropriate for describing himself right now. He smiled a small, wry grin. _Guess he wouldn't be too far off, would he?_ Even so, Ukyo called Ryoga that even more than she used it on him. Probably because he was so damn stubborn…

Lost in his thoughts, Ranma didn't notice that beside him, Ryoga was struggling to keep his eyes open and fixed on the trail. The bandana'd boy was feeling lightheaded but his limbs felt contrastingly leaden. It seemed like the path was trying to slip out from under him, as though it was actually a big rug that someone was tugging on. He closed his eyes for a moment, hoping he'd be able to focus better when he opened them again. The darkness behind his closed lids seemed to be moving too, or maybe he was moving. He couldn't really tell...

Ryoga felt a hand grasping his shoulder and another one on his chest, gently supporting him. His eyes snapped open to reveal Ranma in front of him, his expression one of concern.

"Jeez, Ryoga, take it easy. If you need to rest, why didn't you just say something?"

Ryoga blinked hard, trying to focus his vision as he reached up to shove Ranma's hands away. "I'm fine, just get off already," he muttered, pushing his way past Ranma and trying to continue down the trail. He didn't make it far before black spots started to dance in front of his eyes. Ryoga blinked again to make them go away, but more were appearing each second, giving the impression that he was stuck in some sort of black snowstorm.

Ranma saw that Ryoga was still far from steady, so he moved to put a hand on the Lost Boy's arm. Ryoga tried to shove him away again, but his movements were slowed and disjointed, as though the air had become thick as tar.

"Let go. I'm fine," he insisted, though everything was spinning, and waves of blackness were flowing across his vision. Ryoga took note of this and tried to decide if it meant anything important.

Ranma maintained his hold. "You're about to drop. Sit down," he ordered. He pushed on Ryoga's shoulders, trying to force him to the ground.

"I'm fine!" Ryoga snapped, struggling to pull away. But the motions made him feel even more lightheaded, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to move at all. He wondered, rather disinterestedly, what was happening.

Ranma tightened his grip on him. "Stop it, Ryoga. You ain't fine, you're about to pass out. Now quit bein' dumb and listen to me."

Ryoga tried to say something in reply, but was distracted by the feeling of cold numbness spreading throughout his body. He didn't have much time to dwell on it before his knees started give out from under him, and he dropped forward.

Ranma caught him and helped him sit before he knelt down at his side. He looks terrible, the pigtailed boy thought. Ryoga's face was pale and drawn, with dark shadows beneath eyes that were glassy and unfocused. Then his eyes closed, and Ryoga slumped to one side. Ranma put out a hand to steady him as the other boy leaned against his shoulder.

_Guess we're stopping early today,_ he thought, frowning slightly. Ryoga leaned against him for a few minutes, then slowly lifted up his head. He seemed surprised to discover that he was on the ground with Ranma holding him upright.

"What are you doing?" he asked, genuinely confused. He didn't remember sitting down.

"Tryin' to keep you from falling flat on your face," Ranma responded.

"What?" Ryoga mumbled, sounding dazed. There was a lingering dizziness clouding his mind, and his thoughts were muddled. Blackness began to creep in at the edges of his vision again.

"Never mind," Ranma sighed.

Ryoga shook his head a little to clear it, feeling inexplicably fatigued. He started to stand, but Ranma placed his hands on his shoulders and pushed him back down.

"You're not ready to get up yet," he said. Ryoga scowled at him, but the blackness crept in further, so he stayed where he was.

After a few minutes of silence, Ranma regarded him thoughtfully. "Since we're already sittin' down, why don't you tell me what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Ryoga muttered dully. The dizziness was finally subsiding, and the blackness was retreating to wherever it had come from. Ranma noticed that some of his color had returned as well.

The pigtailed boy moved around in front of him. "Like hell. You won't talk, you won't fight, you pick at your food," he said. "You go to bed after I do and you're up long before me. You've hardly slept all week," he finished. "It don't take much to figure out that something ain't right. I know it's got something to do with that stupid poster, but I can't do anything 'cause you won't tell me what it is."

Ryoga narrowed his eyes, realizing that Ranma had been watching him like a hawk the entire time. "You seem to know an awful lot, don't you," he said acidly. "And really, I'm touched by your concern. Too bad it's not going to get you anywhere."

Ranma scowled back at him and clenched his fists. "Why do you hafta be such a-" He stopped abruptly and took a deep breath, releasing his anger. "Look, Ryoga, I know you're mad at me, and I know I shouldn't have said that stuff last night. But I'm getting' tired of you actin' so stubborn about this. I mean, I'm just tryin' to help, and you keep-"

"Why?" Ryoga interrupted.

"Huh?" Ranma said blankly, caught off guard by the sudden question.

"Why?" he repeated. "Why should you care what happens to me? What's in it for you?"

Ranma gaped at him for a moment. "Uh….well, I…I j-just..." he stammered, looking down at his hands and trying to organize his thoughts.

"What? Hope that maybe I'll get out of your life for good? So you can live happily ever after without me or P-chan to get in the way of you and Akane?" Ryoga asked, his voice rising.

"No!" Ranma shouted at him. "Is that what you really think I'm trying to do?"

"I can't see any other reason for it," Ryoga retorted. He climbed to his feet, his expression cold. "I should've left you in the lake," he muttered as he turned away.

Ranma stared at him, his blue eyes wide. A flash of hot anger coursed through him, but dissipated as quickly as it appeared, only to be replaced by a feeling of deep regret. He stood, unable to keep the wounded expression from his face. "You really hate me that much, don't you?" he asked quietly.

Ryoga didn't look at him. "Just come on, will you?" he said, sounding tired. "We've wasted enough time already."

Ranma walked behind for a few moments before returning to his original position alongside the other young man. After a minute, he spoke.

"We'd better stop early tonight," he said carefully. "You're gonna get sick or something."

Ryoga refused to meet his eyes. "Have it your way," he said tonelessly.

The two continued down the trail in silence, Ryoga's face expressionless, Ranma's troubled.

**Just as the sun was getting close to the edge of the horizon, they came upon a place suitable for a campsite. **Ryoga started to get out the cooking supplies, but Ranma saw that his face was pale and he was blinking hard. He went to where Ryoga was sitting and gently pulled the utensils from his hands. The bandana'd boy looked up and glared at him, obviously exhausted, though his eyes were bright with anger.

"Just let me do it, alright?" Ranma said to him. "I think you've let me cook twice on this whole trip."

"Hmph," Ryoga said, folding his arms over his chest and looking away. A nasty retort about Ranma cooking and his female side came to mind, but he didn't bother to say it. Instead, he got up and walked to the edge of their camp, where he stood below a tall pine to watch the sunset and think.

_This is going from bad to worse,_ he reflected, irritation burning in him like a glowing ember that refused to be put out. _Ranma might think that if he keeps it up he can make me talk, but he's wrong._

Another thought crossed Ryoga's mind. Ranma still hadn't actually said why he was trying to help him—if one could consider following a person around and asking a million annoying questions he didn't want to answer helping, that was. Nonetheless, Ranma had denied that it was for the reason Ryoga had originally thought: that he would leave Nerima for good. He mulled over this for a few moments, and had to admit that it made sense in a way. After all, if Ranma had wanted to get rid of him, calling the number on the paper would have been much more efficient than...than following him into the woods and doing whatever he was trying to do. But what was he trying to do?

Ryoga dug at the ground with his heel, watching little puffs of dirt drift up from the dry earth. Ranma was acting oddly, that was a certainty. This was the longest the two had ever been in each other's presence without a physical fight since they were kids. Ryoga had originally thought that it would be hard to restrain himself from starting one, but every time he considered it—and there had been many times, with Ranma's mouth working the way it had been—he experienced a feeling of something near revulsion. It wasn't as though he was about to give up martial arts or anything of the sort, but somehow, the idea of actually exchanging blows with someone made him feel slightly ill. Maybe it was because of the look he thought Ranma would give him if they did get into a fight—that sort of stung, disappointed look he'd been giving Ryoga lately when he shot down the pigtailed boy's questions or attempts at conversation. Or maybe, considering the light of his present situation, it was...

_Damn it, stop thinking about that!_ Ryoga chided himself, stamping his foot down on the ground and flattening the tiny hill of soil he'd created with his prior scuffing. _It's not going to do any good to start digging up things you left behind. Everything will be fine…_

"Do you think this is just going to go away?" Ranma's words echoed in his mind.

Ryoga sighed. Deep down, he knew Ranma was right—this wasn't going to go away. And if it wasn't going to go away, then it meant that sooner or later, it was going to catch up with him.

_That still doesn't mean I have to tell him anything,_ he told himself resolutely. He could almost hear Ranma's laughter and taunts, things that would surely come if Ryoga were to tell him the truth. _Yeah, he'd really get a kick out of it, I'd bet. Since he likes to see me suffer so much._

Ryoga felt the familiar bitterness rising within him, but it gave way almost instantly to puzzlement. If that was true, then why was Ranma insisting that he was trying to help? And why did he keep acting so upset at some of the things Ryoga said to him? It was trademark for them to exchange insults, and Ranma had almost always been the less affected of the two when they did so. Ryoga frowned thoughtfully, contemplating what had brought about the recent change. The remark about the lake had probably been a little extreme, but what Ranma had said in the cabin the night before had been just as bad, if not worse. Still, the way the pigtailed boy had sounded after Ryoga said that to him was eating at his conscience, even though it probably shouldn't have been. After all, why should he care if he hurt the idiot's feelings, considering all of what Ranma had done to him? Besides, it wasn't like he'd actually meant it. Ryoga couldn't imagine trying to explain to everyone back in Nerima why Ranma had left with him, and only he had come back. Regardless of that, he couldn't stomach the idea of standing by and doing nothing while somebody died helplessly, especially someone he knew, someone he'd almost call a friend-

_Get real. You hate him, remember? He wrecked your life. Just because he's been alright a couple of times, like when he wants something from you, doesn't make him-_

"Hey, it's ready," Ranma said from behind him, interrupting his thoughts. Ryoga turned, scowling, and stalked over to the campfire.

_Now what did I do?_ Ranma wondered, noting Ryoga's dark expression as the Lost Boy sat down a few feet away from him. He briefly considered asking, but quickly discarded the idea. _Yeah, right. It's not like he'll tell me anyway. He probably wouldn't tell me his name if I asked him what it was right now._

Ranma handed him a bowl of food, and noted out of the corner of his eye that Ryoga was simply pushing it around with his chopsticks, not eating a single bite. The pigtailed boy finished his own, then commenced observing the Lost Boy. Ryoga was staring at his food with disinterest, as though he wasn't sure what to do with it. He remained that way until he noticed that Ranma was done, then stood and gathered the dishes. Ranma followed him with his gaze as Ryoga walked towards the stream running along the path.

The bandana'd boy returned a few minutes later and started to pack the bowls and pot away. Ranma hadn't moved from where he was sitting. He waited for Ryoga to return to his place by the fire before speaking.

"Are you hungry yet?" Ranma asked in a mild, conversational tone.

The other boy lifted his head up sharply and looked at him, startled. "Wh-what?" he stammered.

"You didn't eat a thing," Ranma replied, peering at the back of his hand with feigned interest.

Ryoga recovered from his initial surprise, his expression darkening. "So you're watching me again, are you?" he demanded, his voice hardening with anger.

Ranma continued to examine his hand, running his thumb over a small scratch he'd gotten from a sticker bush. "Yeah," he replied evenly.

"Well, cut it out!" Ryoga snapped. "What's with you anyway?" He folded his arms over his chest and glared at the other martial artist heatedly.

"Maybe I'm worried," Ranma answered, struggling to remain calm. He fought the urge to scream that Ryoga wouldn't tell him a single thing, that he was eating and sleeping less and less each day, that he damn near passed out earlier, and didn't that give him a clue-

"Why?" Ryoga asked edgily. "What do you care?"

_Didn't we already go through this?_ Ranma wondered rather wearily as he lifted his gaze to look at Ryoga. "You're freakin' me out," he began. "You're not acting like yourself at all."

"So what's it to you?"

"Damn it, Ryoga, how can I not be worried?" Ranma demanded angrily, throwing his plan for tact to the wind. "Haven't we been through enough together for me to get concerned when you're acting the way you are right now?"

"Funny, you never seemed 'concerned' about me before,' Ryoga said sardonically. "You weren't concerned when you knocked me into the Spring, or when I-"

"Argghh!" Ranma growled in frustration. "How many times do I hafta tell you that was an accident? I mean, you act like I enjoyed doing it, and I didn't even know it happened until weeks later! It's not like I'm out to get you or something!" he exclaimed.

"Huh. Could've fooled me," Ryoga said lightly. He locked gazes with Ranma, his voice becoming sharp. "I can't see how else you could possibly screw up my life so much unless you were trying to."

Ranma tried to think of a way to reply, but he couldn't seem to formulate the right response. His thoughts were too disordered, building his frustration even more and making him feel as though he was running in circles in his mind, unable to find a way out of the vicious cycle he'd become stuck in.

Finally realizing that he needed to think before continuing the present conversation, he said tightly, "Alright, fine. I ain't doin' this right now." Pushing himself to his feet, he moved to where Ryoga was sitting. "But that don't mean I won't later. And you can at least do me the favor of going to bed."

Ryoga looked up at him, his expression a hybrid of anger and defiance. "Why should I do you any favors-" he began, but was cut off as Ranma reached down and grabbed his upper arms. The blue-eyed martial artist hauled him to his feet so fast that Ryoga felt the blood rush down from his head, making him momentarily dizzy.

"Because I want you to, and you need it," Ranma said through clenched teeth, gripping Ryoga's arms tight enough to hurt. "And if you don't, I'll knock you out and put you there myself."

Ryoga stared at him for a long moment, his eyes wide. Ranma saw something flicker briefly in their earth-colored depths, something that looked almost like…panic? It disappeared too quickly for him to discern exactly what it was, and an instant later the Lost Boy slipped a small, malevolent grin on his face.

"That's pretty violent for someone who's so _concerned_ about me," he said.

Ranma glared at him for a moment, before releasing him. "Yeah, well don't think I won't do it," he replied, his voice still carrying an unyielding edge.

Ryoga shrugged carelessly. "I don't doubt you'd try," he said. He walked over to his pack and pulled out his sleeping bag. If he hadn't been so exhausted, he might've argued more, even if just for the sake of nettling Ranma a bit. But the pigtailed boy had seemed uncharacteristically serious about his threat, something that made Ryoga feel a little more uneasy about it than he probably should have.

The radio had forecast nothing but clear, rain-free skies for the rest of the week, so Ryoga didn't bother to pitch his tent. He could feel Ranma's eyes on his back as he unrolled his sleeping bag, a sensation that he found distinctly unsettling. He looked over his shoulder and scowled at the other martial artist indignantly.

"Are you happy now? Quit staring."

Ranma narrowed his eyes at him, but walked back over to the fire and sat beside it, facing away from the Lost Boy.

_Jeez,_ the bandana'd boy thought sourly. He was so used to being alone while in the woods that having someone else around, especially someone with a presence as palpable as Ranma's, was a little disturbing. Ryoga pulled off his shoes and slid inside his bedroll, determined to ignore it, at least for the moment. He settled on his side, and less than five minutes later, he was sound asleep.

Ranma glanced over his shoulder at Ryoga's slumbering form. Satisfied, he looked back to the fire, staring into the dancing flames. Tired of focusing on the situation at hand, he turned his thoughts to the only other thing he'd been thinking about since leaving home.

_I wonder what Akane's doing right now,_ Ranma thought to himself, conjuring up an image of her pretty face and her short blue-black hair. _Probably beatin' something up in the dojo, tomboy that she is._ He smiled a little as he pictured her wearing a yellow gi and breaking a stack of cinderblocks. _Yeah, I'll bet that's what she's doin'. Probably imagining that it's me she's hittin', too._

Ranma sighed. He was still unsure of exactly how he felt about Akane a lot of the time. Her mood swings were still a mystery to him, indecipherable as ever. Whenever she yelled or swung at him, he used to find it amusing, but lately Ranma hadn't found it so funny. Instead, he often found himself feeling guilty for making her upset, yet angry with her at the same time for getting so mad at him when he hadn't even done anything—at least not on purpose. It was frustrating, certainly, and he often asked himself why he bothered with her. But when she smiled at him, especially when she smiled because of him, he felt lightheaded and warm inside. At those times, he wanted nothing else but to be near her, to keep her smiling, and let her radiance wash over him completely. That was the difference between Akane and his other fiancées—when Ukyo smiled at him, he felt a kind of friendly warmth inside, and something similar happened with Shampoo. But with Akane, it was different—it was like he was filled with a dazzling glow...

_But do I love her? Is that what it means?_

The thought frightened him a little. What if he did, and she didn't love him back? She didn't even act as though she liked him half the time, so how could she possibly...

_I guess there would only be one way to find out…and I'm not ready for that yet._

No, asking her was out of the question. After all, what if she said no? And what if he was just mistaken, and didn't really love her, but had only incorrectly interpreted his emotions? It was too risky at this point…

_Oh, come on. You know you do, you're just afraid to admit it._

"You stay outta this," Ranma grumbled. It was bad enough hearing that little voice that sounded curiously like his own when he thought about the problems with Ryoga, he didn't need to hear it with thoughts about Akane, too.

_Do I love her?_ Ranma asked himself again. He certainly got jealous enough for it to seem that way. He denied it, of course, but nothing annoyed him more than other guys messing with her. He glanced over at Ryoga.

_Speaking of which, _there's _a big stumbling block._

The P-chan game made Ranma fume sometimes, but...it could be worse, he supposed. Ryoga was a decent guy at least—Ranma could rest assured he would never do anything to intentionally hurt Akane, not a chance. He knew that Ryoga even turned away if Akane was changing her clothes or something, otherwise there would be a little black pig with a bloody nose running around all the time. He couldn't complain about it much anyway, not when he went to such lengths to keep Ryoga's secret a secret—part of it was for Akane's sake, but most of it was for that of the Lost Boy. Ranma wasn't about to begrudge him the only real form of comfort he seemed to get in life, so long as it wasn't causing any real harm. Actually, Akane was probably safer when she had P-chan with her at night—come what may, Ryoga would do his damnedest to stop anyone from hurting her, which wasn't all that inconceivable given Ranma's other fiancées and enemies.

Ryoga had a sense of honor, Ranma decided. It was a little twisted maybe; after all, he did sleep in Akane's bed sometimes, but at least he wasn't all passion-crazed like Kuno or a total pervert like that figure skater, Mikado. Besides, Ranma had to admit that he wasn't exactly a saint himself.

_So he's honorable. Does that solve your little problem?_

Ranma growled, annoyed at the reappearance of what he'd decided was a cross between his conscience and his denial. No, it didn't solve his problem; if anything, it made it worse. And worse still is that he usually found himself getting jealous of more than one person when Ryoga was around—he not only envied the Lost Boy for the attention he received from Akane, but he envied Akane for the attention Ryoga gave to her as well. After all, Ryoga was supposed to be his friend…or rival, or whatever, so it didn't seem fair for Akane to always be in the way. It wasn't like Ryoga was around all that often, and when he was he often spent at least some of his time as P-chan. All the times Ranma had worked to break up the "dates" the two of them had together, he'd wanted Akane away from Ryoga almost as much as he'd wanted Ryoga away from Akane. Ranma scowled at the thought, knowing that he was being selfish. But he'd had so few friends in his life that he couldn't help feeling a little possessive of them, even the ones who attacked him sometimes.

Ranma yawned and stretched his arms up over his head. It was still fairly early, but he'd been sitting in front of the fire for the better part of an hour. He decided he might as well go to sleep and think later—after all, he had another day of walking ahead of him, and there'd be plenty of time to ponder his problems then.

_Yeah, and I still have to figure out what to do with him, too,_ Ranma thought, glancing over at Ryoga. The Lost Boy had rolled over in his sleep at some point, and was now facing him. _Funny, how innocent people can look when they're sleeping, _the pigtailed boy mused. Ryoga's everlasting scowl had been erased by slumber, his often-tensed muscles finally relaxed. One hand rested near his face, his fingers curled slightly.

_And to think what he's like when he's awake. Hardly makes sense._

Ranma got his sleeping bag and unrolled it a few feet away from Ryoga's. He climbed inside and wriggled around until he was comfortable, then stared at the dying campfire, thinking of Akane. Soon after he was fast asleep, oblivious to the soft noises of the night.

And he began to dream.

_Ranma was running across a long field. It seemed familiar, but he couldn't figure out exactly where he was. He noticed white lines painted here and there on the grass beneath his feet, but it didn't strike him as important. All he knew was that he had to run. He realized that his surroundings were strangely colorless, the grass, the sky—everything was painted in varying shades of gray._

_Then he saw a line of trees up ahead of him—the beginning of a small patch of woods. He had to get to the woods, there was something important within them…he started to run faster, his mouth full of the metallic taste of fear. Ryoga was running a few steps behind him. Ranma couldn't see him, but he knew that he was there, and that they were running from something. He saw a small stream flowing in front of the edge of the woods, but he jumped over it easily and continued on. He reached the first of the trees, then stopped suddenly._

_"You're losing him."_

_Ranma looked around, trying to find the person who had spoken. The voice sounded strangely familiar, but he couldn't seem to remember who it belonged to._

_"You're losing him," the voice repeated. It was definitely female, the dulcet tone calm but carrying an underlying sense of urgency. He glanced around again, and realized that Ryoga was no longer near him. There was a stir of movement in front of him, and Ranma looked up hurriedly. Standing at the edge of the woods was…himself. Or maybe herself would be a better way to put it, since it was a petite redheaded girl instead of a black-haired young man._

_'That can't be right,' Ranma thought bewilderedly. 'How can I be-'_

_"You're losing him!" said his girl-type, her voice now loud and alarmed. She raised a hand and pointed over his shoulder. Ranma turned to see Ryoga standing on the other side of the stream, his eyes wide. He realized that Ryoga couldn't get across for some reason, his curse, maybe, but that didn't make sense, the stream was only a few feet wide… Ranma opened his mouth to tell Ryoga to jump it when he noticed what was behind him—what they'd been running from._

_It was a vast cloud of blackness, twisting and rolling its way towards them, like a thunderstorm on the ground. Its depths were impenetrable as it spread itself over the field, seeming to swallow everything in its path. The sight of it made Ranma's blood run cold. He could hear it now too, an ominous rushing sound like a strong wind through dry tree leaves. He knew that he was safe, the water was acting as a barrier against it, somehow… He told Ryoga to come across so he'd be safe too, but Ryoga didn't seem able to do it. Each time the bandana'd boy tensed to jump, he stopped and backed up, as though afraid he wouldn't make it. Ranma glanced at the approaching blackness behind him, which was coming closer with every passing moment._

_"Come on!" he called, motioning with his hand for Ryoga to come across. The Lost Boy gestured helplessly, a desperate look in his eyes._

_"I can't," he said, but Ranma couldn't hear him over the sound of the oncoming darkness, he just saw Ryoga mouth the words. He stepped towards the stream and extended his hand out to the boy on the other side._

_"Come on!" Ranma said again, stretching his arm out as far as he could without falling in the water. Ryoga looked at Ranma's offered hand, then over his shoulder. The darkness was more than halfway across the field now, drawing closer and closer._

_"Come on!" Ranma cried, his own voice urgent now. The Lost Boy turned slowly to look at him, then glanced back again._

_"Ryoga!" Ranma called, his voice rising anxiously. Ryoga faced him again, his expression no longer desperate, but calm. Ranma motioned with his hand once more, the gesture almost pleading now. Ryoga shook his head and smiled at him sadly, his eyes full of sorrow. Then he turned and began to walk towards the approaching sea of blackness._

_"No!" Ranma shouted, realizing what was about to happen. He tried to cross the stream again, but when he looked down at it, it widened further and further, the clear water darkening as it deepened._

_"Ryoga!" he cried desperately, but his friend didn't hear him. Ryoga's yellow shirt was bright against the darkness rushing forward to meet him, a last scrap of color in the blackening landscape. Ranma started to leap into the stream, now more like a river, but he felt a restraining hand on his shoulder._

_"You can't," his female side told him, her voice regretful._

_Ranma watched helplessly as Ryoga walked straight towards it, the first twists of black extending out to him…_

"Uaugh!" Ranma sputtered, sitting straight up. He could feel his heart beating wildly in his chest as he stared about, several moments passing before he realized that the whole thing had been a dream. Instead of the grayish daylight of the nightmare, he was surrounded by the soft darkness of the night, complete with a vast dome of stars spread across the sky above. The moon slid out from beneath a veil of cloud to cast its cool white light down on the forest, and Ranma felt the last of the nightmare slipping away.

"Jeez," he muttered under his breath. "That was messed up." He wiped a sheen of perspiration from his brow with the back of his hand and glanced down at his side, glad to see he didn't wake Ryoga.

Ryoga…something about Ryoga... Ranma struggled to remember, but the dream was fading fast, unraveling into insubstantial scraps of memory. He remembered running across a field of some sort, and seeing woods in the distance...but that was all.

The pigtailed boy sighed and flopped back on his bedroll, now wide awake. He stared up at the moon shining almost directly overhead, its white orb marred occasionally by a silvery wisp of cloud. He watched the sky for several minutes, then closed his eyes.

_You're losing him._

Ranma's eyes snapped open and he sat up again. That had been from the dream, he knew...but losing who?

He glanced at Ryoga.

_Him? Losing him? Is that what it means?_ Ranma gazed at his sleeping companion, his thoughts whirling. Every attempt he'd made to convince the Lost Boy to let him help had just caused Ryoga to push him further away. Ranma didn't normally put much stock in dreams, but thinking of it that way, his recent nightmare made sense. He wished he could remember the rest of it.

_Losing him,_ he mused. Then he clenched his teeth and laid back on his sleeping bag. _I ain't losing him, he decided adamantly. I'm not givin' up. No way!_

Ranma looked up at the sky until his eyelids began to feel heavy. "Not givin' up," he muttered as he fell asleep.

Ranma Saotome never gave up.

**The next morning, Ranma awakened once again to the smell of wood smoke. **In the soft post-dawn light, he could see Ryoga already sitting by the renewed campfire, apparently cooking something. Ranma glanced up at the sun and judged that by its position in the sky, it had been up less than an hour.

_I shoulda tied him to the ground,_ the pigtailed boy thought, disgruntled. He got out of his sleeping bag and stretched, hardly excited about the idea of another day's hike. It was getting boring; the young martial artist wasn't used to a trip through the woods with virtually no training except for some katas. Ranma thought of something and glanced up at the sun again. Maybe, if he'd been figuring things right, he might not have a full day of walking ahead after all...

Sometime in the mid-afternoon, Ranma noticed the path was widening and the trees were set farther apart, growing sparser as they went. He raised an eyebrow expectantly as the two boys crested a small rise.

Ryoga stopped short as soon as they reached the top, his expression turning to one of dismay as he stared ahead in disbelief at the city in the near-distance.

Ranma halted in his own steps next to Ryoga, following the Lost Boy's startled gaze. Seeing the familiar sight in front of him, Ranma couldn't help but to laugh at Ryoga's expression. The city ahead of them was, undoubtedly, Tokyo.

Ryoga turned to Ranma upon hearing his laughter. "Isn't that...isn't that..." he stammered.

"Sure is! Good one, P-chan!" Ranma grinned at him. "You found your way back to Nerima in record time! Less than a week!"

Ryoga slumped down on his knees, completely exhausted. A moment later, his face contorted in anger. "Why didn't you tell me?" he demanded, shooting a dagger-like glare at Ranma.

Ranma shrugged at him. "Hey, you were the one playing leader this time. I was just followin' you, remember?" He watched as the other boy's fists clenched. "Besides," the pigtailed boy, "you didn't ask."

Ryoga looked back at the city. "But how...we stayed on the trail..."

Ranma sighed exasperatedly. "Uh, Ryoga," he said crouching down beside him. "Let me ask you something. Every time we came to a fork in the trail, which way did we go?"

"Right," Ryoga replied, sounding hollow.

Ranma repressed a smile. "Yeah, well, if you keep makin' rights, you wind up goin' in a circle."

Ryoga's shoulders started to shake. "You planned this," he growled.

The pigtailed boy looked at him innocently. "Hey, like I said, you were the leader." He made a quick surveillance of the plain stretching out in front of them, its grassy length dotted with the occasional tree or rock. "C'mon," he said to Ryoga. "We can make it there before the sun goes down if you get up."

"No way!" Ryoga shouted. "Are you crazy? I can't go down there!"

Ranma rolled his eyes. "Listen, stupid, no one looks at those dumb posters. Besides, there ain't that many people in Nerima who'd recognize you even if they did look at one of 'em. And you're almost out of food. It won't hurt to come into town. We just won't walk by the police box, Ok?"

Ryoga simply stared straight ahead, a defeated expression on his face. Ranma sighed and climbed to feet. He took Ryoga's wrist on the way and pulled him up as well.

"You hafta come anyway. I still gotta talk to you," Ranma told him as they went down the hill.

"Great," Ryoga muttered, his voice sounding empty. Ranma glanced at him, but didn't reply. He let go of Ryoga's arm, and they continued towards Nerima, this time with Ranma leading.


	6. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Ranma ½ is property of Rumiko Takahashi and all those companies that I don't feel like listing right now. In other words, they aren't mine.

Chapter 5

~ Unforgiven ~

_What I've felt_

_What I've known_

_Never shined through in what I've shown_

_Never be, never see_

_Won't see what might have been_

_What I've felt_

_What I've known_

_Never shined through in what I've shown_

_Never free, never me_

_So I dub thee unforgiven…_

~Metallica, "The Unforgiven"

_Then it comes to be_

_That the soothing light_

_At the end of your tunnel_

_Is just a freight train coming your way…_

~Metallica, "No Leaf Clover"

**A car horn sounded in the distance as the late afternoon sunlight reflected off the sides of mailboxes and telephone poles, transforming its golden light into the occasional blinding glare and winking off the bright metal buckles on the backpacks of two young men walking down the street.**

Ryoga stared at his shoes as he trudged down the sidewalk after Ranma. He glanced up at the other boy resentfully for a moment, then went back to staring at the ground. I don't believe this, he thought angrily. He could've said something…

Ranma paused and turned around, waiting for Ryoga to reach his side. The bandana'd boy came to a stop, noticing that Ranma was no longer walking.

"What?" Ryoga asked, scowling.

Ranma raised his eyebrows. "We're here."

"Huh?" Ryoga said. He looked to his left and saw the gates to the Tendo home. "Oh," he muttered, his cheeks flushing slightly. He followed the pigtailed boy up the walkway.

Instead of going inside the house, Ranma headed for the dojo. The last thing he needed was a bunch of people asking where he'd been for the past week and Kasumi trying to serve Ryoga tea. Relieved to find that the dojo was empty, Ranma pulled off his pack and dropped it to the floor, then turned to face the Lost Boy, who was regarding him silently. "Alright. You spent almost a week without hardly saying a word to me. Why don't you start talking?"

Ryoga narrowed his eyes slightly, his expression immediately becoming guarded. "For the same reason I haven't for the past week. It's none of your business."

Ranma was unfazed. He'd been expecting as much. "Oh, is that so. Well, I still got that poster. And I'm sure your dad's number is in the telephone book."

Ryoga's eyes widened. "How do you know it's my father?" he asked.

Ranma's voice softened. "Because your mother died."

He watched as a look of pain passed over Ryoga's face, quickly replaced by anger. "And how do you know that?" Ryoga demanded.

Ranma gazed him for a moment before replying. "I went through your pack."

"You _what?" _Ryoga asked, his eyes filling with rage. He took a step forward, his hands balled into fists. "Ranma, God damn you-" he began.

"Ryoga, wait," Ranma interrupted, moving towards him with his hands raised in front of him. "I know I shouldn't have, but you wouldn't tell me anything, and you ain't been eating or sleeping right...I didn't have a choice!"

"Choice?" Ryoga growled. "A _choice?_ That's what you call it?" he said, his voice rising. He glared at the other boy dangerously, his dark eyes livid. Ranma noticed something else in them too, something almost like...betrayal? He didn't have much time to dwell on it.

_"Why?"_ Ryoga shouted. "Why did you do that?"

Ranma gritted his teeth, knowing that the conversation probably wasn't going to get any easier from this point on. "I told you, I was worried-"

"That's not what I meant!" Ryoga snapped. "What do you care? What the hell are you trying to pull?"

Ranma closed his eyes momentarily. He had hoped, apparently in vain, that it wouldn't come back to this. "Let's just say no one likes being hated," he replied finally.

"What?" Ryoga asked, his voice lowering but still shaking with anger. Ranma didn't answer.

"Oh, I get it," Ryoga said after the brief silence. He stepped back and crossed his arms over his chest, his hazel eyes turning steely. "You know, for someone who doesn't like to be hated, you work pretty hard at it, Ranma."

Ranma shot him a heated look, his temper finally slipping. "Damn it, Ryoga!" he swore vehemently. "I never wanted you to hate me! I never wanted anyone to, and it happened anyway!" He clenched his fists tightly, his knuckles immediately going white. "Don't you see? I just wanted you to forgive me! I've been trying to help you!"

Ryoga's scowl darkened, his eyes still unyielding. "Oh, sure. Blackmailing me with phone numbers is a great way to help," he snarled.

The blue-eyed boy's expression hardened. "I can't believe you think I'd actually do that to you!" he snapped.

"Then why did you say it?" Ryoga snapped back.

"Because it was the only way to get through to you! You sure as hell won't cooperate!" Ranma shouted heatedly. "I mean, my God, Ryoga! Don't you ever get tired of all this?"

Ryoga tore his gaze away to look at the floor. "Of course I do," he said bitterly. "More than you could possibly know. But it never occurred to you that..." He trailed off, refusing to raise his eyes.

"What?" Ranma demanded. "That what?"

Ryoga lifted his head up, eyes blazing. "That maybe I tried!" he cried. "Did that ever occur to you? Maybe I tried to forgive you, but _you wouldn't let me!"_

Ranma's anger faded momentarily at the other young man's words. "What are you talking about?"

Ryoga glared at him. "Every time I started to think that maybe it was alright, that maybe-" He stopped and took a breath. "Every time I tried to let it go, you would go and make things worse," he said, biting the words. "Another stupid insult, another one of your tricks..." Ryoga's eyes began to gleam with unshed tears. "You would go and _use_ me again!" he cried.

Ranma stared at him, confusion lighting his features. "Use you? I never did that!"

"Oh really?" Ryoga said tremblingly. "What about the time I had the map to Japan's Nannichuan? Remember that?" He looked at Ranma, his hazel eyes piercing. "You and Shampoo didn't care if I got cured or not. You knocked me in the canal and left me there! And it was _my_ map!"

Ranma rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Ryoga," he began patiently, "we were only looking for the second pot out of three. It's not like we were on our way to the actual Spring or nothin'."

"So that makes it alright?" Ryoga demanded. "I suppose if you had been going to the Spring, you would've stopped and pulled me out?" he asked sarcastically.

"I..." Ranma began. Then he realized that Ryoga was right; he'd only been thinking of getting rid of his own curse, regardless of Ryoga or Mousse. Being proven wrong re-ignited his anger, making it even hotter than before.

"Well, what about you?" he said accusingly. "You haven't done anything wrong, right? Attacking me all the time the way you do?" Ranma's blue eyes became stormy. "What about your 'Breaking Point' technique? What's your excuse for that? You thought it would make anything you used it on break into a thousand pieces. And you wanted to use it on me! You wanted to kill me!"

Ryoga stared at him for a moment, then shook his head in disbelief. "Oh, come on," he said. "Do you really think I thought it would kill you? How dumb do you think I am? _Cologne_ taught me that! I knew from the start that it couldn't be anything that bad. She said it would help me defeat you, not kill you!" Ryoga's voice developed an edge. "Did you really think she would teach me a technique that would hurt her precious 'Son-in-Law'?"

Ranma felt his mouth drop open. _Ok, so the guy does use his brain after all. Who knew? _Refusing to be put down again, the blue-eyed boy stepped forward. "Don't give me that. You had no idea what it would do," he growled. "And what about that night that Shampoo was trying to kill my girl half? You were the one who kept splashing me with cold water!"

Ryoga's eyes darkened "Get off it, Ranma," he said through clenched teeth. "Like she actually had a chance against you." He turned his head to the right, staring through the door. "Don't you think that if I really wanted you dead, I would've found a way to do it by now?"

"Like what?" Ranma asked. "You'd have to beat me first. And that don't seem likely to happen," he added mockingly.

Ryoga snapped his head back around to face him. "I could've let the Lucky God do it," he said, his voice low and choked.

"Wh-what?" Ranma stammered. 'Lucky God'…that didn't make any sense... He shook it off angrily. "Whatever. What about Akane? You got an explanation for that?" he said tightly.

"Do I need one?" Ryoga asked.

"Yes!" Ranma yelled. "She's my fiancée, and has been since before you met her! She's engaged to me!"

"You're nothing but a damn jerk to her!" Ryoga countered. "It's not like you love her-"

"Yes, I do!" Ranma shouted.

Silence descended. Ryoga's eyes went wide with shock. He'd suspected from the beginning that Ranma had been in love with Akane, but the way he spoke to her and treated her most of the time contradicted that, giving Ryoga a ray of hope. He'd come to believe that Ranma actually didn't love her...or maybe he just wanted to believe that...either way, that hope was gone. Destroyed. Ryoga had known for some time now that Akane was indeed in love with Ranma; despite her usual denial, she spoke freely and honestly to her pet P-chan, enough for him to figure it out…but Ryoga had kept hoping anyway, trying to save himself the heartbreak. If Ranma didn't love her back, he'd thought he still had a chance. But now that chance, slim as it may have been all along, no longer existed.

The tense silence hung in the air as the two young men stared at each other.

_Did he really just say that?_ Ryoga wondered dimly. Everything seemed suddenly distant, unreal even, that couldn't have been what he'd said, it couldn't have...

_Did I really just say that?_ Ranma wondered. It had taken him so long to admit it, but he hadn't wanted to, not like this, not yet…

_No. Please, not this..._ Ryoga felt the pain inside him sharpen, as though Ranma was twisting his verbal knife to cut him even deeper. His voice had left him. "Why...why didn't you just say that before...why didn't you just act like you did?" he whispered finally.

Ranma felt his anger fading as he saw Ryoga's agonized expression, the hazel eyes filling with tears again. "I...I didn't really...know. Not for a long time..." he said softly. He could practically hear Ryoga's heart beginning to break, and immediately regretted all that had been said. He'd never meant for their confrontation to take such a turn, he'd never meant to get angry... He tried to think of something else to say, something that could undo the damage he had unintentionally caused, something that might...

"Treat her well," Ryoga said. He turned away. "Good-bye, Ranma." He leapt out the door and ran, half-blinded by his tears.

_Damn it, no, _Ranma swore inwardly. "Ryoga, wait!" he called, running after him. But the Lost Boy was nowhere to be seen; whichever way he had gone, he was already out of sight. Ranma sighed heavily as he turned back inside, feeling both guilty and angry with himself for doing the opposite of what he'd meant to do. He'd set out to mend something, but what had he accomplished aside from breaking it even more? This hadn't worked out at all.

_He'll come back eventually. He always does,_ Ranma told himself. But he felt a nagging sense of doubt.

_You're losing him…_

Ranma tried to rid himself of the feeling as he walked back into the dojo and sat down on the floor to think.

_Akane… _Ranma shook his head._ Put that aside for now. I should go look for him. _He chewed his lower lip pensively. Maybe it was better to leave Ryoga alone, at least for a while, to let him sort things out. Ranma thought back to their conversation.

_"You would go and use me again!"_

Ryoga's voice echoed in his head. Ranma considered the statement, turning it over in his mind. _Crap. I guess he's kinda right. Even if I didn't mean to, I did. And that thing with the Spring wasn't the only time._ The blue-eyed marital artist sighed again. _Did he really mean it when he said he tried to forgive me?_ he wondered. _He was always messin' up my life. He never acted like he was _tryin_' to forgive me or nothin'._

The pigtailed boy pulled his knees up to his chest and locked his arms around them. Still, what Ryoga had said about his Buksai Tenketsu made sense and all...but that didn't explain the other thing Ryoga had been talking about.

Ranma rested his chin on top of his knees. _Lucky God,_ he wondered. It had a familiar ring to it...

"Oh!" he said out loud, lifting his head. "Now I remember. Kirin and the Seven Lucky Gods Martial Artists! But what did he mean..."

Ranma wracked his memory, thinking back to the incident. Ryoga hadn't been with him when he had challenged the first of the Lucky Gods on Seven-Luck Mountain; only Lychee, Jasmine, and Happosai had been there. They'd been separated from the others when Kirin dumped them off his airship and into the water. He hadn't seen Ryoga again until the fifth gate, the one where the shrimpy guy with the flail had been cutting him up...

Realization dawned on Ranma like a blow to the face.

_Oh, damn,_ he groaned inwardly. _Ryoga…that guy…Epi-whatever-his-name-is was about to kill me with that pole thing of his…_

Ranma remembered it vividly now. The sky, streaked with color by the setting sun...the blood dripping from numerous wounds on his body...Lychee's terrified cry as the death blow descended towards him...the heavy feeling of failure as he watched it come...

…and never hit him as Ryoga's bandanna flew out and sliced the handle of the weapon in two.

_He saved me. He saved my life. And I never even thanked him for it… _Ranma squeezed his eyes shut, feeling his chest tighten.

_He was right. He was right about everything…I'm such a goddamn idiot…_ Ranma raised his hand and slammed his fist into the floor, sending splinters of wood flying in all directions. A moment later, he pulled his hand from the hole he'd created, a horrible feeling settling within him.

_Oh, fuck._

**Ryoga dashed down the street, not paying attention to where he was going and not caring. **All he was aware of was the pain within him, and the tears that stung his eyes.

_Well, it's not like you shouldn't have seen this coming, _he berated himself. _You've known for a while now. It was pretty obvious, wasn't it? He just wrote it in stone for you, that's all. Akane practically told you she loved him, that last time. Should've given up then. You can't beat Ranma in a fight, why should love be any different? You should've known you would fail. It's what you do best, anyway._

Ryoga slowed to a staggering walk, his chest heaving._ And good job spilling all that stuff to him. Give him some more to use against you…_

"Hey there, Sugar," said a voice to his right. Ryoga looked up, startled out of his thoughts. He realized he was standing in front of a familiar-looking building with a familiar girl with long brown hair held back by a white ribbon standing outside of it.

"Oh—Ukyo," Ryoga stammered, trying desperately to get his whirling emotions in check. Thankfully, his tears had been mostly dried by the wind of his long run. At least she wouldn't see him crying.

Ukyo raised her eyebrows at the sight of the young man before her. The Lost Boy looked upset—something that was not entirely uncommon, but instead of his normal scowl, he was wearing a sort of shocked, pained expression that she'd never seen before. He noticed her questioning look and quickly hardened his features. "What's going on? You don't look like you're having a good day," Ukyo said conversationally. She could understand that well enough—she'd been having a rough one herself. It seemed like all the rudest people passing through Nerima that day had had a craving for okonomiyaki. Ukyo ended up having two walkouts and lousy tips during the lunch rush. On top of her restaurant troubles, she hadn't seen Ranma all week, which didn't improve her mood. Akane had told her at school that Ranma was on a training trip somewhere, but wouldn't tell her when he was coming back. She'd also gotten a much lower grade than she'd expected on a test, and then Tsubasa had decided to launch a surprise attack from a garbage can on her way home from school. All in all, not the best of days. The restaurant was finally and thankfully empty now that the pre-dinner hours were at hand, and though they wouldn't last much longer, she'd had enough time to step out for a breath of fresh air.

Ryoga blinked at her, trying to organize his thoughts. He felt he should tell Ukyo what Ranma had said about Akane; she deserved to know, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Her face was calm, but she looked mildly concerned and more than a bit tired. He just couldn't say it to her...if he did, he knew she'd be crushed, and he would lose the fragile control he was maintaining over his own emotions. But he had to do something…

"R-Ranma," he struggled to get out.

Ukyo tipped her head inquisitively to one side. "What about him? Is he back?" She paused for a moment, eyeing him carefully. "Did you two get in another fight?"

Ryoga shook his head. "No…I mean, yes...he..." He felt his control beginning to slip. Anger emerged, bright and hot, boiling over his attempts at restraint.

"What?" Ukyo asked.

"He's such a damn jerk!" Ryoga finally burst out. "That lying, stupid, bastard! I _hate_ him!" he shouted, his voice full of fury.

Normally, such a reaction would have alarmed Ukyo. Ryoga had a temper, and she knew he didn't always get along with Ranma that well, but she'd never seen him this upset. However, she'd had a stressful day. Hearing someone, even if it was Ryoga, talk about Ranma like that made something inside her snap.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" she demanded, her voice carrying a touch of venom that surprised even her. "You got beaten again and can't handle it, right? Just because he's better than you?" Ukyo watched as Ryoga's dark eyes widened with shock. "Why don't you get over it already?"

The Lost Boy's initial surprise quickly reverted back to anger. "You don't even know half of what he's done to me-"

"Get real," Ukyo interrupted him. "I know all about that ridiculous fight you've been having over that bread or whatever in junior high," she snapped. "Big deal. So he was better than you back then, too. And he told me about when you first came here. He gave you a bunch of bread. He was trying to be nice to you! And you acted like a jackass as always and attacked him anyway!" She took a few steps towards him, ignoring the increasing hurt that was growing beneath his stormy expression. "You're the one who's a jerk!"

Ryoga stared at her, feeling his insides go cold even as eyes burned with anger. "You hardly know anything," he said, his voice low and shaking with his fury. "Even if you did, it wouldn't matter. He can't do any wrong in your eyes, can he? Except for loving Akane and not you." He saw Ukyo's eyes widen, but no longer cared what effect the words might have on her. "I should've known you wouldn't listen," he hissed. "You're just like him. Like all of them!"

Upon seeing this reaction, Ukyo regretted her words, knowing that she'd upset him even more. She opened her mouth to speak, but Ryoga turned from her and sprinted away down the street. Ukyo took a few steps after him, one hand raised as though to pull him back, but he was already down the block.

"Ryoga! Hang on! Come back!" Ukyo called. If he heard her, he kept going anyway, finally turning a corner and disappearing from sight.

_That jackass,_ she thought, annoyed. But her irritation was directed more at herself than at the Lost Boy. Despite their occasional differences, she liked Ryoga a lot. But he was about as withdrawn as they came, locked up tight within his own personal shell. He'd been trying to open up to her, and she'd thrown it back in his face.

Ukyo sighed and let her hand drop back to her side. He'd be back eventually, and she'd have a chance to set things right. But the look in his eyes had her troubled...there had been something there she's never seen before. He'd been angry, of course, but he'd also looked so hurt when she'd said those things...betrayed, almost. She frowned nervously.

_I hope he's Ok,_ she thought as she went back inside. Some customers followed her in. Ukyo decided to serve them and then go look for him as soon as she could, even though he'd probably be halfway to Hiroshima by the time she got the chance. It was Saturday, a good business day, but friends were more important than business sometimes.

**Ryoga ran until he staggered, gasping for the breath that eluded him. **The pain within him was leaning towards agony, as though someone was shredding his insides with a dozen cruel knives. He fell to his knees on the pavement, tears running down his face, trying to breathe instead of sobbing.

_She wouldn't even listen to me! he screamed inwardly. I thought she was my friend! But she only cares about him. I've got no one now, no one…_

He clenched his hands into fists and covered his eyes with them. Akane was lost to him forever. Ranma had crushed his last hopes. Ukyo didn't care. He bit his lip, trying not to scream from the horrible pain that was on the verge of ripping him apart from the inside out.

_What am I going to do? _he wondered desperately. He uncovered his eyes and looked around wildly. _I've got nothing…_

A phone. Right in front of him.

Ryoga blinked away the remaining tears. To think, after all his running away, he would come to this. His last possibility, his last resort, his final desperate-times-call-for-desperate-measures card, to be used only when things couldn't get any worse. He stood slowly and walked towards it, a simple plastic box mounted on a pole about four feet high, the shiny black surface of the instrument within gleaming in the light. It was close to sundown, his father would be home...

Ryoga picked up the phone and held it to the side of his face. Before he lost his nerve, he pulled out some coins and deposited them in the slot, then began to push the small silver keys, automatically dialing the only number he knew. He took a deep breath as it began to ring...once...twice...

"Hello?" a female voice answered, familiar but not what he'd been expecting. Ryoga jumped a little, startled.

"M-Mia?" he said hesitantly, recognizing the housekeeper's voice.

There was a long moment of silence from the other end. "Ryoga? Ryoga, is that you?" came the disbelieving response.

"Yes, it's me." He swallowed nervously. Mia should've gone home by now, his father should've answered the phone... "Is my father there?" he asked, his anxiety increasing. Something was wrong…

To his surprise, the woman on the other end of the line burst into tears. "Oh, Ryoga, did you find one of those posters he put out?"

"I—yeah." The deep uneasiness that had begun to stir within him was edging towards fear. "Mia, where is he?"

"Oh, sweetheart," she said. "I'm so sorry. He was hoping you'd find one so you would come home. He wanted to say goodbye."

"What?" Ryoga asked. "What's going on? Did he go somewhere?"

"No, honey," she said tearfully. "He died last week."


	7. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 is property of Rumiko Takahashi, belonging secondly to Viz Communications, Kitty TV, Fuji, and Shogokokan, therefore, the characters ain't mine and I don't claim them, yadda yadda yadda, don't mess with this fic without permission, blah, blah, blah, thank you, now get out of here (well no, don't really go, just read the chapter now, Ok?).

Chapter 6

~ Shattered ~

_No where's safe from the storm_

_And I can't bear to see_

_What I've let me be_

_So wicked and worn_

_So as I write to you_

_Of what is done and to do_

_Maybe you'll understand_

_And won't cry for this man_

_'Cause low man is due_

_Please forgive me…_

~Metallica, "Low Man's Lyric"

_Things not what they used to be_

_Missing one inside of me_

_Deathly loss, this can't be real_

_Cannot stand this hell I feel_

_Emptiness is filling me_

_To the point of agony_

_Growing darkness taking dawn_

_I was me, but now he's gone…_

~Metallica, "Fade to Black"

**Ryoga Hibiki stood in front of a payphone on a street corner in Nerima, Japan.**

And the world crashed down around him.

The hand holding the phone began to tremble violently as he stared straight ahead, seeing nothing.

"Ryoga? Ryoga, are you there?" asked the tearful female voice from the other end of the line.

He pulled the phone away from the side of his face, moving almost mechanically as he placed it back on the hook, not noticing when it cracked under the force of his hand. He turned away began to walk, his face expressionless, his eyes tearless, feeling completely numb.

And empty.

Ryoga walked and walked, gazing straight ahead, turning occasionally as the sun began to draw near to the western horizon. He paid no attention to the occasional faceless passerby, though a few stared at him as he went past: a young man wearing a dusky yellow shirt with a spotted bandanna holding the black hair back from his dark hazel eyes, carrying a backpack with a red umbrella slung through the top. They noticed his even, mechanical steps and his pale, handsome face, but they noticed especially the broken, vacant look in his eyes.

Ryoga finally stopped when he realized he was standing across the street from the Tendo Dojo. He started to walk away, but halted before he'd gone a full two steps. She at least deserved to know...he at least owed her an explanation... He pulled a pencil and a piece of paper from his pack and began to write. Several minutes later, he crossed the street and slipped the folded paper into the mailbox beside the gate.

_Now, where is Furinkan High School?_ he wondered wryly. He already knew. There was a patch of woods behind the school. Not the vast forests he was used to, but it would do. Ryoga started walking.

**Ranma rubbed at his eyes. **

_Really battin' a thousand, ain't I,_ he thought as he stood and lifted his pack. He walked down the hall connecting the dojo to the house, hoping he wouldn't have to answer too many questions from the people inside. He had to go find Ryoga.

He slid open the door at the end of the corridor and headed for the living room. He could see his panda-bear father and Soun playing their endless game of Shogi out on the porch. Akane and Nabiki were sitting next to the table watching the television, and he could hear Kasumi humming in the kitchen.

Akane turned around when he entered, her expression brightening. "Ranma!" she exclaimed, getting to her feet. Then a slight frown formed on features. "Where have you been?"

"Son! There you are!" said Mr. Tendo. "Really, if you wanted to go on a training trip, you should've said something first."

"Grunagh," agreed his father, blinking at him with furred black eyelids.

Ranma was half-surprised to see that everyone was home. He would've thought they'd have heard the noise coming from the dojo and come running...but maybe that was so much for the better.

"Sorry, Pop," Ranma said, dropping his pack to the floor. "Kinda had to go on short notice."

"Where's Ryoga?" Akane asked, her voice taking on a tone of concern. "You didn't leave him somewhere out there, did you? Were you picking on him again?" she accused.

Ranma growled in frustration. "I dunno where he is. I gotta go find him. Stupid jerk took off almost as soon as we got back," he said.

"Now wait a minute," Akane ordered. "What's going on-"

"Why, hello Ranma! Welcome home!" said Kasumi in her sweet cheery voice as she entered the room. She was holding a folded piece of paper in her hand. "Akane, I went to put the mail outside for tomorrow, and I found this in the box. It's addressed to you," she said, handing it to her sister.

"Huh? For me?" Akane said curiously. She turned the paper and looked at her name written carefully on the back. No address or stamp, just _Akane_.

"It looks like Ryoga's handwriting," she said as she unfolded it.

Ryoga? Ranma wondered. He watched as Akane read the letter.

After a few moments, Akane frowned in puzzlement, then her expression shifted to shock. She turned to Ranma, her eyes wide.

"He...Ryoga...is P-...P-..." she stammered at him. Her hands clenched the paper, wrinkling it as her delicate brows knitted in fast-growing anger.

"Let me see that!" Ranma said, snatching it from her hand. A feeling of dread began to creep up his spine, something wasn't right…

_Dear Akane,_ Ranma read,

_I'm sorry I couldn't speak to you in person, but it was impossible under the circumstances. Also, I think this is the easiest way for both of us—for everyone._

_I've made a terrible mistake, Akane. Please believe me when I say that I'm sorry from the depths of my soul. I never meant to let things go so far. But first, I want you to know that I loved you. You were the first person to be kind to me in a long time, and I will always be grateful to you for that. It meant more to me than anything. Yet despite it all, I kept an awful secret from you: I've been to Jusenkyo, you see, and have a curse like the others. I turn into the little black pig you call P-chan._

_I'm sorry, Akane, I never wanted to hurt you. But I couldn't leave without telling you. I at least owe you the truth after all you've done for me. I won't ask for your forgiveness—I don't deserve it. It doesn't really matter anyway._

_I hope you have a wonderful life, Akane. That is what you deserve. Farewell._

_Ryoga_

_P.S. Please tell your family and the others that I'm sorry._

"Oh, no," Ranma said under his breath, the cold prickling of fear he felt forming in his stomach hardening into a knot. There's no way he'd do this unless...

"How _could_ you?" Akane shrieked at him, jarring him out of his thoughts. "How could you not tell me?" Her eyes were ablaze, her pretty face contorted in anger.

_Great,_ Ranma sighed inwardly. "Akane, I promised I wouldn't. I know I shoulda told you anyway, but I couldn't break another promise. Not to him. Not even for you."

"But he _slept_ in my _bed!_" she cried, stepping towards him with her fists raised.

Ranma clenched his teeth. "I know. Why do ya think I used to always be sneakin' into your bedroom at night? Besides, he never did nothin', and I dropped plenty of hints." He shoved the paper into her hand. "I gotta go. Now." He started to head for the door.

"Ranma, you get back here!" Akane shouted, starting to follow. But Nabiki put a hand on her shoulder, stopping the younger girl in her tracks.

"Akane, from what you two just said, I'm assuming Ryoga is P-chan. Let Ranma go. Something's wrong. You can scream at him later."

Akane sputtered for a moment. "But...he...I...aaughh!" She stomped to her room. Everyone winced as the door slammed shut overhead, hard enough to knock loose a few flakes of plaster and send them fluttering down from the ceiling.

Nabiki sighed and waved Ranma out the door. She had a feeling it was going to be a long night.

**Ranma dashed down the street, running as fast as he could.** _Damn it! Where could he be? I gotta find him!_ He felt a faint sense of panic rising in him as his certainty of what the Lost Boy's intentions were grew. _Think…_

The sun was beginning to set, glowing goldenly on the edge of the horizon and painting the sky with pink and lavender, but Ranma hardly noticed. Looking up the street, he spotted Ukyo stepping out of her restaurant and locking the door behind her.

"Ukyo!" he shouted, running towards her. She looked up at his call.

"Ranma?" she questioned, noticing his frantic look. "What's wrong?"

"Have you seen Ryoga?" he gasped.

"He was here about an hour ago," she said. Her expression was troubled. "Ranchan, we had a fight—he ran off, but he didn't look so good. I was about to go looking for him-"

"Damn it," Ranma hissed anxiously. "I got a bad feeling he's in trouble. We gotta find him." He thought quickly. "You go that way, I'll go this way," he said, jerking his head down the street. "If you don't find him, come back here in an hour, alright?"

"Alright," Ukyo replied, her eyes wide and nervous. She could tell by Ranma's expression that things were worse than she'd originally thought. Now laden with a fresh sense of urgency, Ukyo darted away.

Ranma turned and started running again. _Where would he go, where would he go?_ he wondered wildly. _Why didn't I go after him right away?_ he berated himself as he ran. _Damn…_

He went a few more blocks, looking up and down the side streets as he moved, his apprehension growing with every step he took.

_You're losing him…_

The woods. Of course, the woods! It came to him suddenly, the memory of his nightmare returning with an almost frightening clarity. The field in his dream...white lines painted on it...the playing fields behind the high school. There were woods back there, and Ryoga always ran for the woods...

Ranma skidded on the light gravel covering the surface of the asphalt street, not slowing down for more than a second as he turned a necessary corner. He resumed running with a renewed vigor and headed for the high school, praying he wasn't too late.

**Ryoga stepped into the trees bordering the playing fields behind the school. **He'd been here a few times before. It was a nice place, pretty; the tall trees spaced a comfortable distance apart, the forest floor carpeted in soft green moss and pine needles. A gentle breeze blew through, making the branches whisper and lifting his soft black hair from his brow. He saw a small ring of pines to his left, highlighted in gold by the waning sun, and headed towards it. This place would be fine.

He removed his backpack and leaned it against one of the trees. Opening one of the small outer pockets, he pulled out his black and silver tin. Ranma had gone through it, he knew, but it didn't matter. Ryoga set it carefully on the ground. He reached into the pocket, which now appeared empty, and gently tugged at the liner, revealing a hidden space behind the layer of fabric. He removed the slender object within, then pushed the lining back into place and slipped the tin inside. Ryoga closed the pocket, then walked to the center of the ring of trees and knelt in the soft green moss.

What a cruel joke. Fate had toyed with him yet again, challenging him to play his final desperate card. He had played it, only to find that it was nothing but a completion to his losing hand. And so he'd been cast out of the game, back into the world, having nothing and left without hope of gaining anything more. It had all been just a game, he understood now—one he'd tried to escape by living in his own semi-make-believe world of honor and love and revenge. And he had lost. Plain and simple. The final failure for one who had failed at everything.

Ryoga sighed softly. It didn't matter anymore, not now. He was almost astonished at how calm he felt. Then again, he realized, there was no reason to feel any other way. Here, all his pain, his agony and despair, all his suffering would finally end.

Ryoga slipped the dagger from its sheath, then tossed the black leather sleeve to the ground beside him and examined the weapon; looking at its shiny black handle adorned with leaves identical to those on the tin in his pack. He pressed his thumb against the dark silver blade, and felt it tug at his skin with its sharpness. Ryoga stared at his reflection on the flat of its surface, but his vision was quickly blurred by tears. He blinked and watched them fall on his lap, the crystalline drops catching the sunlight for a brief instant before disappearing.

_Too late to turn back now,_ he thought. _Besides, there's nothing to go back to._

Ryoga felt the pain within him return, the blessed numbness having long since faded. He gripped the handle of the dagger tightly in his right hand and pressed the blade below his left. Taking a deep breath, Ryoga closed his eyes and slashed the dagger across his wrist. He felt an instant of pain, nothing compared to the agony inside him, then opened his eyes to see the warm blood flowing down his arm and dripping onto his legs. He took the weapon in his left hand and slashed it across his other wrist, a strangled sob escaping from his throat as he did so. It would all be over soon.

Ryoga looked at the knife, now gleaming wetly with blood, and tossed it several feet in front of him, suddenly not wanting it near him anymore. He cried silently as the life poured out of him; the dagger was sharp, his cuts clean and deep. The blood washed over his hands and fell to the ground, soaking into the soft moss. As the moments passed, Ryoga felt himself becoming heavy. The trees and bushes around him stood out with remarkable clarity, each pine needle, leaf, and twist of bark suddenly defined before him in precise beauty. He fell back, landing against the soft carpet of the forest floor, the scent of earth and pine surrounding him. He gazed up at the sky through the trees, marveling at the reds and golds and violets the sunset had painted across it.

The sky. His ever-constant companion. It had been with him always, had it not? Sometimes a blessing of warm sunlight, sometimes a curse when it rained, but it was always there nonetheless, whether turquoise or star-filled, stormy or sun-streaked as it was now. Ryoga felt a wave of sorrow.

_I'll miss the sky…_

Ryoga watched as the colors deepened. His eyelids became leaden, he was tired...so tired... He struggled to keep them open so he could see the sunset, but he felt himself falling away as the colors slowly faded to black.

His eyes closed. He heard someone calling his name from far away, but it didn't matter… nothing did now...

Ryoga slipped into the soft darkness reaching out to embrace him.


	8. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma ½ , Rumiko Takahashi does. I'm just borrowing her characters, and there's no profit in this for me, so don't try to sue.

Chapter 7

~ Losing ~

_Somewhere there's speaking_

_It's already coming in_

_Oh, and it's rising in the back of your mind_

_You never could get it_

_Unless you were fed it_

_And now you're here, and you don't know why_

_But under skinned knees and the skid marks_

_Past the places where you used to learn_

_You howl and listen_

_Listen and wait for_

_Echoes of angels who won't return…_

~Vertical Horizon, "Everything You Want"

_I look inside myself and see my heart is black_

_I see my red door, I must have it painted black_

_Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts_

_It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black_

_No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue_

_I could not foresee this thing happening to you…_

~The Rolling Stones, "Paint It Black"

**Ranma sprinted down the street, his heart in his throat.** _Damn it, damn him, damn me!_

He ran through the gates to Furinkan High and darted around the building towards the playing fields behind the school. _I hope he didn't do anything stupid. That damn overemotional idiot. I'll never forgive myself…_

Ranma dashed down the small hill behind the locker rooms. "Ryoga!" he called, his voice sounding too loud in his ears. "Ryoga!"

He tasted the coppery traces of fear in his mouth as he ran across the field towards the woods, not slowing until he reached the first of the trees, his chest heaving. The sun was sinking rapidly, the red-gold light fading to violet. Ranma stepped into the woods, glancing around through the trees, a sense of desperation rising in him.

"Ryoga?" Ranma said, eyes still searching anxiously. He had to be back here somewhere, but why wasn't he answering…? "Ryoga, where are you?"

Ranma stepped quickly through the trees, his heart pounding in his chest.

_You're losing him…_

He spotted something through the trees, something red—a folded umbrella.

_His pack… _Ranma shoved his way through the straggly underbrush, making his way towards it.

"Ryoga?" he called, pushing his way into the ring of trees. "Ryoga…NO!" Ranma screamed when he saw him. _"Ryoga!"_

Ryoga was lying on his back, his legs partially folded. His left arm lay across his chest, his right at his side. The front of his yellow shirt was dark with the blood pouring from the wound on his wrist as a widening pool of it spread over the moss beneath his other arm. His face was pale, his lips white.

Ranma dashed to his side and knelt beside him, ignoring the blood that soaked through the knees of his black pants. "Ryoga," Ranma gasped, laying his hands on the Lost Boy's shoulders. "Ryoga, wake up. Please, wake up…" he said tremblingly. He slipped his hand under the unconscious boy's cheek, but received no response. "C'mon, wake up," Ranma pleaded, his voice almost a sob. He slid two fingers down to the side of his neck, feeling for a pulse.

_Alive! He's still alive! What do I do…_ Ranma wondered frantically. He looked at Ryoga's wrists. _Stop the bleeding…_

Ranma looked around wildly for a moment, searching for something, anything he could use as a bandage. He hurriedly grabbed the fabric at the bottom of his silk Chinese shirt. He tore off a wide strip of cloth and hastily bound Ryoga's wrist with trembling hands, then ripped another piece from the other side and did the same, trying to ignore the blood wetting his fingers.

_Now what? _Ranma bit at his lip anxiously, trying to still the panic raging through him. His eyes flooded with desperate tears. He could hardly think…

_Dr. Tofu. Get him to Dr. Tofu!_

Ranma grabbed Ryoga's hands and folded his arms over the blood-soaked shirt. He could see the red fabric of his makeshift bandages darkening, the blood already seeping through.

_You're losing…_

_Damn it, no! _Ranma cried inwardly, shoving down the whispering of doubt that insisted this would all be in vain. _I won't let him die! I won't!_

Ranma slipped his left arm beneath the unconscious boy's shoulders, the other beneath his knees, then stood, gently cradling Ryoga's body against his chest. He turned and began to make his way through the trees in the fading light, trying to control the fear that threatened to overwhelm him. He glanced down at the young man he held in his arms, his heart wrenching. "…Ryoga," Ranma said, his voice faint. "Hold on…please, hold on…"

As soon as Ranma reached the field he started running as fast as he could, his heart racing. He made it to the street in less than a minute and dashed down it, heading for the clinic.

_Why, why did this happen? This is all my fault…why didn't I go after him right away?_ Ranma's thoughts screamed. The sky overhead was now deep blue, the first of the cool white stars hanging against it. The streets were empty.

_Go faster!_ he raged inwardly as he sprinted through the deserted market. Almost there…

He leapt through the open door of the clinic. "Dr. Tofu!" Ranma shrieked, his voice nearly half an octave higher than normal. He went through the waiting room to the door of the office, clutching his armload tight against him. "Dr. Tofu!"

The young doctor hurried into the room upon hearing the pigtailed boy's terrified voice. "Ranma, what's wrong-" he started to ask, but then he saw the blood-covered figure he was holding. He rushed over and started to pull the boy from Ranma's arms.

"It's Ryoga...he's hurt...help him, please!" Ranma gasped, handing him over. He sank to his knees, fighting something near terror as he tried to catch his breath. He watched as Dr. Tofu placed Ryoga on the cot and grabbed the telephone. Cradling it on his shoulder, he returned to Ryoga's side and took the boy's wrists in his hands, lifting them and applying firm pressure.

"This is Ono Tofu," he said into the phone. "I'm at my clinic and need an ambulance right away. I have a young man down here suffering severe blood loss from wrist lacerations; he's unconscious and exhibiting signs of shock. I suggest you prepare for an immediate transfusion..."

_Oh, no, no…_ Ranma's eyes filled with tears again. "Don't do this to me," he whispered under his breath. He stared down at the blood on his hands. _Please, please let him be alright, he has to be alright…_

The ambulance arrived less than five minutes later, but it seemed like hours had passed. There was nothing for Ranma to do but sit where he was, watching as the doctor tried to slow the escape of life from Ryoga's body. Three paramedics, two carrying a stretcher, came through the door, their stiff white uniforms seeming too bright beneath the lights. Seconds passed as they lifted the dying boy from the bed and started to carry him away, exchanging sharp words.

Ranma watched helplessly as they started to pass through the door. They were taking Ryoga away…

_You're losing him…_

"I'm going with you!" he cried, jumping to his feet. The third man turned to face him.

"You can't-" he started to say, but Dr. Tofu interrupted him.

"Let him come," he commanded. "That boy has no family around here."

The paramedic frowned and looked at the pigtailed boy appraisingly. "Alright," he said reluctantly. Ranma followed him outside and saw the others loading the stretcher into the back of the ambulance. He climbed in after and sat at the direction of one of the men, watching anxiously as they draped a blanket over Ryoga's still body. The Lost Boy's face was paler still, and his lips were now tinted with blue.

The ambulance started to pull away, the shriek of the siren making Ranma jump. He bit the back of his fisted hand as one of the men unrolled white gauze around Ryoga's wrists while the other held an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

Ranma had never thought much about the existence of higher powers, but he found himself praying now, making wish after desperate wish for Ryoga's life. His father had kept him from mainstream society for much of his childhood, and his resulting autonomous nature didn't leave Ranma to trust the strangers with him now as simply as other people might. He could barely stand the helplessness as it was…

_Hold on Ryoga, please…_Ranma willed silently as the ambulance sped towards the hospital. Everything was happening as though in a dream, each object in his vision standing out with harsh, glaring clarity. He wondered for a moment if it was a dream, that seemed to make more sense, this couldn't be real…Ryoga couldn't be dying…

The trip took minutes only, but time had slowed down for Ranma, turning each second into a separate eternity. The vehicle finally came to a halt outside the entrance to the emergency room, and the paramedics grabbed the sides of the stretcher and pulled it out, heading towards the open doors of the hospital. Ranma leapt out the back to follow them inside and down a corridor that opened into the reception area. The paramedics kept going, pushing through two wide doors. Ranma tried to continue, but the man without a hand on the stretcher turned and stopped him.

"I'm sorry, son," he said, his voice kind. "You can't go in there. The doctors will take care of him now."

Ranma watched helplessly as the doors swung shut, cutting off his view. "But-"

"There's nothing else you can do," the man told him. Ranma looked past him, staring at the closed doors with dismayed blue eyes. They were taking Ryoga away…

A young nurse with short brown hair approached them and placed a hand on Ranma's shoulder. "He's right," she said gently, leading Ranma towards the waiting area. He was trembling slightly. "They'll do everything they can."

Ranma suddenly remembered Ryoga's curse and turned to the paramedic. "You can't get him wet," he said, his voice shaking even as he tried to sound rational. "He has this Chinese curse. If he gets any cold water on him, he'll change. You have to believe me. You have to tell the doctors."

The man raised an eyebrow, and Ranma could tell by his expression that he was wondering if he was cracking under the stress. But Dr. Tofu had said he could come along, and he wasn't acting hysterical...surely the man would believe him, would decide it was better to be safe than sorry…

"Alright," he said finally. He turned away and pushed through the doors.

Ranma watched him go. The nurse noticed his blood-covered hands and torn, stained shirt, and motioned towards a white door on the far wall. "Why don't you go get cleaned up?" she suggested. "We'll let you know how he's doing as soon as we can, alright?"

Of course it wasn't alright, but Ranma nodded anyway, feeling numb. He walked through the door and found himself in a narrow hall. Another door to his right was labeled as 'Washroom' so he went inside and locked it behind him.

Ranma moved to the sink and stared in the mirror above it for a moment, studying the reflection of his drawn face, made pale by the fluorescent lighting. He started to turn the faucet labeled 'Hot', but as soon as he saw the blood on his shaking hands, he abruptly burst into tears. He sank to his knees and rested his arms on the sink, burying his face in them as he sobbed, the sound mingling with that of the running water. He felt so helpless; Ryoga could be dying, surrounded by a group of strangers, and he was powerless to stop it. Powerless to stop what he had caused to happen.

_Let him be Ok,_ Ranma prayed for the thousandth time in ten minutes. _Please, please don't let him die…why did this happen, why, why? _Wasn't it bad enough as it was, with the curses and the engagements and everything else that followed, forcing him to constantly harden himself so that he wouldn't snap underneath the weight of it all? Did fate have to insist upon this as well, to take away one of the few friends he had? It was true that he'd refused to admit he cared one way or the other, and he knew that had been a mistake now…but it wasn't right, it wasn't fair…

He cried for several minutes, fear and grief and guilt flooding over him. Ryoga couldn't die…

A long time passed before Ranma managed to get a hold of his emotions. He climbed slowly to his feet, taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself and trying to still the involuntary trembling caused by the excess of adrenaline. He washed the blood from his hands and wiped the tears from his face, then cleaned off his shirt as best he could. It was hard, all he really wanted was to just let himself collapse, but it wasn't an option. Now was no time to fall apart.

Ranma went back out to the waiting room and tried to sit, but found himself far too wound up. He paced back and forth instead, oblivious to the pitying stares of the receptionist and the few other people sitting in the room. Each time the doors opened, he looked up with a mixture of hope and fear in his eyes to see if it was the brown-haired nurse, but it never was. Long minutes continued to tick past, time steady and uncaring as always. Ranma hated waiting, but it was all he could do.

**Ukyo paced back and forth inside her restaurant. **She'd searched half of Nerima up and down, with no sign of Ryoga. After an hour, she had returned just as Ranma said, but he hadn't shown up. She'd thought it was a good sign at first; if he hadn't come back then he must've found Ryoga…but when she called the Tendos', Kasumi had told her they weren't there, either.

Ukyo glanced nervously at the clock. That had been fifteen minutes ago. Maybe they were back now...

She picked up the phone and dialed the number again. It rang twice, then Kasumi's dulcet voice answered.

"Hello, Kasumi. It's Ukyo again. Is—is Ranma back yet?"

"I'm sorry, Ukyo he's not."

Ukyo sighed and tangles her fingers in the cord. "I don't suppose you've seen Ryoga, have you?"

"No. I think Ranma went looking for him. Is something wrong?" Kasumi asked.

"I hope not," Ukyo replied. "Kasumi, could you have Ranma call me when he gets in please?"

"Of course," Kasumi said sweetly.

"Thanks," Ukyo said.

"You're welcome, Ukyo. Goodbye."

Ukyo hung up the phone and walked over to the door. She peered up and down the street outside, but it was empty. She heaved another sigh and went back to pacing, absently twirling one of her throwing spatulas in her hand.

Outside, the uncaring night continued on.


	9. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: Ranma ½ is property of Rumiko Takahashi and blah blah blah yackety-shmackety. In other words, the characters aren't mine, I'm just borrowing them.

Chapter 8

~ Alleviation ~

_I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend_

_You could cut ties with all the lies_

_That you've been living in_

_And if you do not want to see me again_

_I would understand_

_I would understand_

_The angry boy, a bit too insane_

_Icing over a secret pain_

_You know you don't belong_

_You're the first to fight_

_You're way too loud_

_You're the flash of light on a burial shroud_

_I know something's wrong_

_Well, everyone I know has got a reason_

_To say 'put the past away'…_

~Third Eye Blind, "Jumper"

**"Ranma?" a calm voice spoke from behind him.** He whirled around, his eyes wide, afraid to hope. The nurse smiled at him.

"Your friend is going to be alright," she said.

Ranma let out the gasp of air he'd been holding in and closed his eyes, repressing a sob of relief. He took a deep, shaky breath, trying to gain control and keep himself from collapsing on the spot. A long moment passed before he opened his eyes again. "Can I see him?" he asked. His voice was unsteady and dry, like a branch in a brisk wind.

"Of course." She motioned for him to follow her, leading him through the double doors and down the hall until they came to an elevator. "He's been moved up to a private room on the third floor," she explained. Ranma felt a familiar tug at his insides as the elevator started to move.

"He's very lucky, you know," the nurse remarked quietly. "If you hadn't found him when you did, he may not have been so fortunate."

Ranma didn't reply. The elevator shuddered to a stop.

The nurse stepped out into the and led him down a corridor branching off to the right. The wing was lined with doors, each with a number overtop of it. The nurse stopped at number 332.

"He's probably still asleep now, but he should wake up soon," she told him as she opened the door. Ranma entered carefully. He could feel his feet touching the floor, but it seemed like he was somehow detached—he felt strangely light, and the ground seemed too hard beneath his feet. He wondered if the sensation was from the elevator or something else as he went through the door.

The room was small and entirely white. A wide window was on the wall across from the door, its surface made mirror-like by the black of night outside. Ranma walked slowly to the bed in the center of the room, where Ryoga was lying. His face was pale, contrasting sharply with his dark hair, and his eyes were closed. His arms rested atop a light blue blanket covering him. Ranma noticed the thin cotton top of the hospital uniform Ryoga was wearing was almost identical in color to the blanket, a detail which, for some reason, bothered him a great deal. Ryoga's wrists were wrapped in thick white bandages, and Ranma could see band-aid on his arm, likely where they'd used an I.V. to give him a transfusion. He also saw, almost thankfully, that they had left Ryoga's yellow-and-black-spotted bandana on.

Ranma exhaled a quiet sigh of relief. Ryoga's chest was rising and falling slightly as he breathed, and though he still looked pale he wasn't nearly as white as he'd been when Ranma last saw him. _He's alright…he's really alright,_ Ranma tried to assure himself. The blue-eyed martial artist sank into the chair beside the bed, unable to tear his gaze away from the unconscious boy even when the nurse spoke to him.

"I'll leave you two alone," she said. "Just press the button if you need anything." She motioned to a small white box with a red circular button in its center sitting on the low table at the other side of the bed.

"Thank you," Ranma said, somewhat distractedly. The nurse left the room, quietly closing the door behind her. Ranma moved his eyes from Ryoga's face down to the other boy's wrists. He reached out tentatively to touch one of the white bandages wrapped around them. It was soft but textured beneath his fingertips. He pulled his hand back slowly and dropped it in his lap. Finally, he removed his gaze from Ryoga and glanced around the room.

There wasn't much to see. A door in the wall adjacent to the window—a bathroom, probably—a small television set hanging from the ceiling in the corner, a blue phone on the table next to the white box and a small digital clock. A little vase holding a few purple flowers stood between the phone and a black remote control. Along with the bed and the chair, that was all the room contained.

_How cheery,_ Ranma thought wryly. Then he saw Ryoga stir, and turned to him expectantly.

**Ryoga opened his eyes slowly, blinking in the harsh white light.** His vision adjusted quickly, and he realized he was looking at a ceiling.

If there was a ceiling, Ryoga figured, then he was in a room. He flicked his eyes down, and saw he was lying in a bed, covered by a blue blanket. He was indeed in a room, in a bed, with bandages on his wrists, and the faint scent of antiseptic surrounding him. He'd been in this type of place enough times before to recognize it easily.

A hospital.

Which meant he was alive.

_Oh, fuck._

Ryoga turned his head to the right, realizing there was someone near him. Indeed there was, a young man with black hair bound back in a pigtail, wearing a red silk shirt and gazing at him with intense blue eyes.

Ranma.

Ryoga wondered if he should laugh at the bitter irony of it. He'd failed again. And naturally, the cause of his failure was none other than the one beside him. _Christ, I can't even kill myself right. Not with him around._

"You're awake," Ranma stated quietly. He stood up and crossed his arms over his chest, staring fixedly at the wall. His sense of relief was quickly hardening into anger, both at himself and the Lost Boy.

Ryoga sat up slowly and folded the blanket back. He swung his legs down and placed his feet on the floor, then raised a hand to his head, feeling a bit dizzy. "Yes," he affirmed as the moment of vertigo passed. He let his hand drop to his side, feeling the bitterness starting to well in him, a harbinger of the despair he knew would soon ensue.

"How do you feel?" Ranma asked, his voice tight. He still didn't look at him.

Ryoga glanced up at the other boy. "Alive," he muttered.

"Good." Ranma swallowed hard, his teeth clenched. "Tell me something then, Ryoga," he said. "What the _hell_ were you thinking?"

Ryoga stared straight ahead at the closed door to the hall. "I don't remember," he said flatly, "but right now I'm thinking I should've slit my throat, too."

Ranma felt something inside him snap. He whirled around, his eyes bright with sudden fury as he raised his hand and then brought it down sharply, delivering a stinging slap across Ryoga's face.

Ryoga's head flew to the right, pain flaring through him. He lifted a hand to his burning cheek, startled.

"What the hell has gotten into you?" Ranma shouted at him, his face a mask of anger. "Why did you do this? _Why?"_

Ryoga didn't look up. "How could you understand?" he choked, his voice trembling. "You don't know what it's like to have nothing..." His throat tightened too much to go on.

_Not in front of him, _he thought desperately. _Don't do this in front of him... _But he couldn't stop himself. All of the bitterness and grief and pain came flooding through him in a torrent of insufferable agony, forcing hot tears to his eyes. Ryoga covered his face with his hands and started to cry.

Ranma stared for a moment before feeling his fury evaporate, replaced by concern. He'd seen Ryoga cry a couple of times, sort of…but never had he heard someone cry like this before, soft, quiet sobs that were agonized and full of despair. He stood completely still, watching as Ryoga's entire body trembled.

Ranma sat next to him on the bed, trying to think of something to say, but no words came to mind. So he did the only other thing he could think of to do—he slipped his arms around Ryoga's shoulders and pulled him close.

Ryoga stiffened when he first felt Ranma's arms around him; he'd been expecting more harsh words or mocking laughter, not this. But it hurt…it hurt too much… Finally, Ryoga relaxed against him and began to cry harder, sobbing against Ranma's chest.

Ranma felt tears sting his own eyes. He hadn't meant to make Ryoga cry; he wasn't angry with him, he really wasn't, Ranma realized. Ryoga had no way of knowing that the last couple hours had been some of the most hellish ones Ranma had ever experienced, and he berated himself silently for being so insensitive simply because he himself was upset. What had happened, what had almost happened…it was too much to try to come to terms with yet…and Ryoga's obvious pain, unparallel to anything he'd ever known before. He could sense it in the other boy's disjointed aura, the feelings almost tangible; hurt and loss and pain and fear and hopelessness and pain, pain, pain… Ranma couldn't help but feel guilty, this had been his fault...he still couldn't think of anything to say to soothe him, to help ease this terrible anguish, so he just held Ryoga tighter against him and let him cry, only now understanding that it was probably what he should've done from start. If only anger didn't always have to come first…maybe none of this ever would've happened…

Ryoga cried for a long time, his entire body wracked by his sobs as everything came rushing out, the pain searing within him like a desperate fire. Nothing…he had nothing…the knowledge tore at his soul, crushing the scattered shards of his heart into dust. Nothing, save for a single person who had yanked him back from a certain and desired end, who was now the only barrier between himself and a terrifying empty loneliness. Only this, an uncertainty, something that his mind told him he should hate, yet all he could was cling as he cried and cried, wishing for it all to stop. It was all he'd wanted, just for it to stop...

Several minutes later, the sobs began to diminish, and he finally quieted. Turning his head, he leaned against Ranma's shoulder for a moment, exhausted by the emotional and physical strain, then started to push himself away. Ranma held him for a second longer, then let go.

Ryoga withdrew quickly, turning away and hurriedly brushing the last of the tears from his face as he looked at the floor, letting his thick black hair hang down to hide his eyes.

Ranma moved back into the chair. The silence between them grew tense as the seconds passed. He noticed the red mark left by his hand on Ryoga's face. "Are you alright?" Ranma asked him. "I shouldn't have hit you like that...but God, Ryoga, you scared the hell out of me."

Ryoga shrugged, letting out a mirthless parody of a laugh. "Not like I didn't deserve it," he said, still refusing to meet Ranma's eyes. "I guess this means you got the note," he continued, unable to keep some bitterness from his voice. He pushed himself back further on the bed and drew his knees up to his chest.

Ranma nodded. "Kasumi did when she went to put the mail out. I was on my way after you anyway, though."

Ryoga shook his head. Just his luck. He hadn't counted on anyone finding it until morning, when his broken heart would have long ceased beating in his chest. Not that it mattered, if Ranma had been coming to find him anyway. Ryoga berated himself silently. He should've counted on that. Didn't the hero always try to save those around him, even his enemies?

"Did Akane see it?" he asked.

Ranma stayed silent for a moment. There was no way to tell him otherwise. "Yes," he sighed.

"Great," Ryoga said bitterly. "She'll hate me now."

Ranma sighed again. "I don't think so," he said. "I mean, she's pissed, and she'll probably stay that way for awhile, but she'll come around. She'll understand."

Yeah, right, Ryoga thought darkly, lifting his head to glance around the room. He swallowed as a frightening though crossed his mind. "They're going to make me spend the night here, aren't they," he said, his voice suddenly small and nervous.

"More like the week," Ranma replied, hating to upset him further but unwilling to lie. Ryoga shuddered and hugged his knees against him, repressing a sob.

Ranma glanced at him, worry evident in his dark blue eyes. "I'll stay with you tonight, if you want," he offered quietly.

Ryoga lifted his head, surprised and almost hopeful for a brief instant. Then his eyes dimmed, and he turned away again. "You don't have to," he said dejectedly.

Ranma could tell he was upset at the idea of being stuck here, amidst a maze of cold white walls and strangers. He knew how hard it probably was for the Lost Boy to accept help, especially considering the situation...but Ryoga obviously needed it. Ranma could see he was trembling a little, and fighting back more tears. "I know I don't have to," Ranma said gently. "But do you want me to?"

Ryoga was silent for a moment as he debated with himself. He didn't want to ask for help, he was already feeling ashamed for crying like he did; hell, ashamed for being alive even. But he hated hospitals, and he hadn't exactly planned on ending up in one—at least not this particular section, anyway. But he was also afraid, the first shiverings of real fear starting to climb up his spine at the notion of being alone, surrounded by strange doctors and nurses who didn't even know him as his only company.

Ryoga bit his lower lip. "O-Ok," he managed to say, not without some struggle. He squeezed his eyes shut, still unable to look at the other young man.

Ranma stood. "I'll go tell the doctors. And I should call home. Then I'll be right back, alright?"

Ryoga nodded mutely, so Ranma stepped out into the hall. He found a doctor standing a few feet from the door, clipboard in hand, obviously preparing to enter. The man looked to be about forty, with glasses and thinning brown hair. "I was just about to ask your friend some questions," he said in a pleasant tone, as though he was commenting on how nice the weather had been lately. It made Ranma clench his teeth—what had happened with Ryoga wasn't something to be taken lightly—but he fought back his agitation, knowing it would only cause problems if he didn't.

"I want to stay with him, for the night," the pigtailed boy said.

The doctor frowned slightly. "You're not immediate family-" he started to say, but Ranma cut him off. He'd been expecting this.

"I know. But he don't have any family around here. You're gonna to need someone to stay with him, aren't you?"

"Well, yes," the doctor agreed reluctantly. "Any suicide patient needs someone to watch them, at least for the first twelve hours-"

"Alright," Ranma said calmly. "In that case, you should know he's a martial artist, and a real strong one at that. He's also really upset, and having a stranger in there'll just make him worse. Besides, if he decides to try anything, which I doubt he will, anyone you put in there won't be able to stop him."

The doctor raised an eyebrow, looking at Ranma appraisingly. "And you will?" he asked, a bit doubtfully.

"Yup. I'm a martial artist, too. And he's never beaten me," Ranma added. It wasn't the complete truth exactly, but so long as it got the job done, Ranma didn't care.

The doctor tugged at the sleeve of his green uniform, repressing a smile. Ranma took it as a good sign, and even if it wasn't, there was no chance he'd give up easily. "In that case, you should probably call your family and let them know where you are," the doctor relented. "I think Dr. Tofu may have notified them, but you should call anyway. There's a phone over there you can use." He motioned across the hall.

"Thanks!" Ranma exclaimed, bouncing over to the phone. The doctor blinked at the careless agility and speed of the young man's movements, then walked into the room, shaking his head with mild amusement.

Ryoga glanced up when he heard someone enter. He eyed the doctor nervously as the man approached him and sat in the chair.

"Ryoga, right?" the man asked, glancing at the clipboard. Ryoga nodded, his black hair shining in the brightness of the ceiling lights. "I'm Dr. Kirasawa," he continued. "You'll be under my care while you're here. Can I have your last name?"

"H-Hibiki," Ryoga answered tentatively, dreading the next questions.

The doctor scribbled on the clipboard. "Alright. Now, where are your parents?"

Ryoga swallowed. "They're dead."

The doctor raised an eyebrow and regarded at him sympathetically. "Who takes care of you, then?" he asked.

Ryoga stared at the ground, an uneasy anxiety rising in him. "No one."

Dr. Kirasawa blinked. "Could you explain, perhaps?"

Ryoga shut his eyes. "My father used to. But I…I ran away from home…about three years ago." He took a shaky breath. "And he…my father…he d-died last week," he finished.

"I'm sorry to hear that," the doctor said. He seemed sincere, but Ryoga could sense an underlying note of plasticity to the statement. "How did you find out?"

"I called home…the housekeeper told me," he replied.

"Do you have any aunts or uncles?"

Ryoga shook his head.

"Grandparents?"

Ryoga shook his head again, and the doctor sighed, obviously perturbed over what was becoming an increasingly difficult situation.

"Alright. Let me have the telephone number. Perhaps your housekeeper can tell us who to call."

Ryoga gave it to him tonelessly. He was in serious trouble, he knew—very serious trouble. The doctor continued to ask him questions, and Ryoga answered as best as he could, a sinking feeling in his chest.

**Outside, Ranma picked up the phone and dialed the number for the Tendo house.** It rang twice before Kasumi answered, her voice warm as always.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Kasumi, it's Ranma."

"Oh, Ranma!" she exclaimed. "We've been so worried! Where are you? Is everything alright?"

_Oh, yeah, just peachy, _Ranma thought wryly. "I'm fine, Kasumi. I'm…at the hospital."

"The hospital?" she cried, her voice full of concern. Ranma envisioned the entire family rushing around her at this point, with Soun gearing up for a good cry. He groaned inwardly.

"Yeah, but I'm Ok," he said quickly. "I'm here with Ryoga. He, uh...had an accident."

"Oh, my," Kasumi said. "How awful. Is Ryoga alright?"

Ranma imagined the unison facefault that was undoubtedly occurring. "Uh, y-yeah," he answered, twining his fingers in the spirally cord. "But I need to stay here with him for the night. Can I talk to my dad?"

"Of course. Mr. Saotome, Ranma is asking for you." He heard the phone exchange hands.

"Garowgh, rowr."

_Ah, jeez, _Ranma thought, exasperated. "Yeah, Pop, it's me. Look Ryoga's gotta stay here for the night, so I'm gonna stay with him, Ok?"

"Growgh," his father affirmed. "Growergh?"

"Tomorrow morning," Ranma replied, guessing what his father had inquired. He listened as the panda elicited some other sounds. "Yeah, Ok. I'll see ya tomorrow."

"Argh," his father replied.

"Let me talk to him!" Ranma heard Akane shout in the background.

_Crap, _he thought as he heard the phone exchange hands again. He could also hear Soun wailing joyously in the background. "My baby girl is finally acting like a true fiancée!"

"Dad! Give it a rest!" Akane yelled. She turned her attention to the phone. "Ranma, what's going on? What did you do to him?" she demanded.

"Huh?" Ranma said, puzzled. It took him a moment to realize what she meant. "Aw, c'mon Akane, I didn't do nothin' to him. And he's gonna be Ok." _I hope, _he added silently.

"Why didn't you tell me he was P—P-..." she stammered, building up for a full-blown, Akane-Tendo-patented temper tantrum. Ranma anticipated this and started to explain, but then he noticed the nurse from earlier coming down the hall with a young orderly. They were carrying something that seems to have cords attached...and they were headed towards the room.

_Uh-oh, _Ranma thought, not liking the sight. He should've realized what was going to happen before. "Akane, I gotta go," he told her. "I told Ryoga I'd be right back, and that was a long time ago."

"But-" she began to sputter.

"Listen, I'll talk to you first thing when I get back. I can explain everything. It's not what you think. But I gotta go. I'll talk to you first, Ok? I promise." He hung up the phone and practically leapt back across the hall.

The doctor had gone, but the nurse and orderly were standing by the bed. Ryoga was lying back on it, covered by the blanket again and looking more than a little upset.

"It's alright, hon," the nurse was telling him reassuringly. "We'll take them off if you need anything."

Ryoga didn't reply, but simply stared ahead at nothing. Ranma walked over to the bed cautiously, as though afraid something might be set off—which, considering Ryoga's present state, was a distinct possibility. The nurse glanced up at the pigtailed boy's approach and smiled.

"Oh, your friend's back," she said pleasantly. "Why don't you two talk for awhile."

Ranma glanced at her, wondering how she could act so cheerful knowing that she'd just tied someone to a bed. He sank into the chair and turned to Ryoga, his expression troubled.

"I'll bring you a blanket later," the nurse told him as she headed for the door, the orderly close behind. Ranma barely acknowledged her, as he was far too preoccupied with the more pressing issue at hand.

The Lost Boy turned away, trying to hide as much of his face as was possible while a single tear slipped down each cheek. He could feel Ranma's worried gaze, but was too ashamed to look at him. _Tied to the bed like a lunatic,_ he thought bitterly as he waited for the tears to melt away into less obvious, drying trails. He lifted his right hand in front of him, his fingers curled slightly as he examined the soft wide band encircling his arm, then tensed for an experimental tug.

Ranma saw his hand clench. "Ryoga, don't," he said sharply, reaching out and catching his wrist before he could give it a good yank. "It'll just hurt," he said to him in a calmer tone. He gently forced Ryoga's arm down to the bed and held it there.

Ryoga squeezed his eyes shut. "I can't stay like this, Ranma," he said tightly.

"You'll be fine," Ranma said reassuringly, trying not to show how unnerved he was by the situation. Even now, his heartbeat had still not slowed to its usual pace, but he had to stay composed; he had to stay in control if he was going to be any help. "Just relax. It's alright."

"No, it's not," Ryoga said. There was a hitch in his voice, and Ranma realized he was struggling not to cry.

The pigtailed boy sighed. "Ryoga," he began, "you're gonna be fine. Don't worry about it. You'd be lying down anyway, right? And I won't let anything happen to you. Just don't think about it."

Ryoga finally turned to him, his face streaked with fresh tears. "How can I not?"

There was the million-yen question. Ranma tried to think. "I dunno. Talk to me or something."

"About what?"

"Anything."

Ryoga stared up at the blank expanse of the ceiling. "I guess you want an explanation."

"I'd appreciate it."

"It's a long story."

Ranma grinned wryly. "I've got all night."

Ryoga sighed heavily. "In that case, I might as well start at the beginning..."


	10. Chapter 9

Dislcaimer: Ranma ½ is property of Rumiko Takahashi and so on and so forth, they aren't mine, I ain't making no profit off this, etc. etc. Did you know that there are Miniature Tootsie Roll pops now? Oh, the newfangled things they come up with these days…

Chapter 9

~ Reasons ~

_Mama, she has taught me well_

_Told me when I was young_

_"Son, your life's an open book_

_Don't close it 'fore it's done_

_The brightest flame burns quickest,"_

_That's what I heard her say_

_A son's heart's owed to mother_

_But I must find my way_

_Let my heart go_

_Let your son grow_

_Mama, let my heart go_

_Or let this heart be still_

_Be still_

_Rebel my new last name_

_Wild blood in my veins_

_The apron strings around my neck_

_Mark that still remains_

_Left home at an early age_

_Of what I've heard, is wrong_

_I never asked forgiveness_

_But what is said is done…_

_Never I asked of you_

_But never I gave_

_But you gave me your emptiness_

_That I'll take to my grave_

_Never I asked of you_

_But never I gave_

_But you gave me your emptiness_

_That I'll take to my grave_

_So let this heart be still_

_Mama, now I'm coming home_

_I'm not all you wished of me_

_A mother's love for her son_

_Unspoken, hear me be_

_I took your love for granted_

_And all the things you said to me_

_I need your arms to welcome me_

_But a cold stone's all I see_

_Let my heart go..._

~Metallica, "Mama Said"

_You were from a perfect world_

_A world that threw me away today_

_Today_

_Today to run away..._

~Marilyn Manson, "Coma White"

"Ever since I was about four, I remember my parents fighting," Ryoga began in a soft, tentative voice. "My mother didn't work because she stayed at home to take care of me, and my father is…was an attorney. His job was steady, but his firm was new back then, so money was kind of tight. We always had plenty of food and everything, but there wasn't really any left for vacations or holidays or anything. What was left was spent on my training. My mother's family had always been into martial arts, and my father had actually been a martial artist, but he had to give it up because he was in an accident. While he was in college, he worked in construction. Some guy messed up while driving a forklift, and a bunch of steel pipes rolled off and hit him. He could still walk fine after a lot of surgery, but his knee was too damaged for him to do anything really strenuous. But he insisted that I learn, and my mother thought that was just fine. I didn't have any objections either."

Ryoga paused for a moment, staring fixedly up at the ceiling. "I know they loved each other," he continued, "but they argued constantly. My mom didn't like it that my father drank sometimes, and she liked it even less that he didn't really pay any attention to me. He never came to any of my matches, never asked how I did in school...he pretty much ignored me. But I didn't really mind so much though, because my mom was always there. She came to all of my matches, and I always won because I knew she was watching. She always encouraged me to try hard in school, and made my favorite food on my birthdays—the usual parent stuff, I guess. But as I got older, their fights got worse. I knew she wanted to leave, but she didn't want me caught in the middle. Finally, when I was eight, she did leave. They couldn't afford a divorce, so she went to live with my uncle—her brother."

Ryoga's expression grew pained. "I still remember the day she left..."

_A younger Ryoga stood on the porch of a house next to his father, whose face was cold and devoid of expression. His mother and another man—his uncle—were carrying suitcases to the trunk of a small, dark blue car parked in the driveway. After closing the trunk, the woman walked back to where her husband and son were standing._

_Ryoga looked at his mother sadly, holding back his tears. If he cried, his father would just get mad at him. His parents exchanged a few words, his mother trying to be reasonable, his father sounding icy and resolute. Finally, she gave up and knelt in front of her son._

_"Good-bye, darling," she murmured as she hugged him to her. After a long minute, she pushed him back by the shoulders and looked at him carefully. She smiled at him and kissed away the tear slipping down his cheek._

_"I don't want you to go," he told her, his voice small._

_She hugged him again, kissing his soft black hair. "I know, darling. But it's not forever. I'll come back for you someday," she whispered. Finally, reluctantly, she let him go and stood. "I love you," she said to him. Then she turned and walked towards the car, wiping at her eyes. Ryoga wanted to wait until the car left, just in case she changed her mind, but his father took his hand and dragged him towards the house as it pulled away…_

"I think my father wouldn't let her take me with her. I think he did it to spite her, but I guess she thought it would be better that way. She didn't have any money or anything, or any way to take care of me, and she didn't want me to give up my training. But I believed her. I thought she'd come back sometime soon. I didn't really want to stay with my father, but I knew if I held on, she'd come back." Ryoga's eyes misted over with tears. "That was the last time I ever saw her.

"My father was really upset over the separation, of course. He got really angry and depressed. He started drinking more…and I became a target for him. He always yelled at me, even for things I didn't do. It was bad, but I kept thinking my mom would come back soon. Every day I got through was a day closer to her coming to get me, though I never got to see her or talk to her. My father wouldn't let us. I knew she wanted to. I'd hear him talking on the phone sometimes, and I knew it had to be her. Who else would he be telling, 'No, you can't talk to him?'" Ryoga's voice developed an edge. "If she sent any letters, I never got them. He had the only key to the mailbox."

The Lost Boy's voice dropped again. "Things were bad then, but by the time I was nine, it got worse. He...started hitting me," Ryoga said, closing his eyes. "It wasn't a lot—once every couple of weeks, maybe, and he only did it when he drank. The strangest thing was that alcohol never seemed to mess up his coordination or anything—it just made him more angry than usual. If you didn't know him, you'd never be able to tell. He could walk and drive or whatever just as well as the sober person next to him. I guess it was because his tolerance level was pretty good...good for him, bad for me."

Ryoga sighed. He didn't look at Ranma, who was gazing at him with concerned eyes and biting his tongue. He could empathize somewhat, his own father had taken him away from his mother just as Ryoga's had kept him away from his.

"I didn't think anything was wrong, at first. I thought if he was hitting me, I deserved it. I did everything I could think of to make him stop—I did well school, I was the best in my martial arts class. But nothing worked. I couldn't make him love me...

"By the end of the year, it had started happening more—once a week, at least. It became a sort of routine. I'd go to school and he'd go to work. When I got home, Mia, the housekeeper would make dinner, and I'd do my homework. He'd stop at a bar on the way home, get drunk, then come back to the house. By then, Mia would have left, and he'd be tired and ticked as hell. If he'd only had a couple of drinks, I got screamed at. If he'd had a few more, I took a few blows."

Ryoga took a shaky breath. "He was good at it—hit me where no one would see the marks. It didn't hurt too badly most of the time, because I was already pretty strong from my training. But it hurt inside—just knowing he hated me enough to want to do that to me, and I couldn't even figure out why. I mean, he had some reasons, I guess, but...it was confusing. But I could take it, you know? I was sure my mom would come soon, any day...but then—then she..."

Ryoga stopped, unable to go on. He tried to wipe the tears from his eyes again, almost angrily, the clips on the restraints clinking metallically against the side of the bed.

"Ryoga, you don't have to-" Ranma started to say, but the other boy cut him off.

"I'm fine. Besides, I said I owed you an explanation," he said bitterly. He dropped his hand to his side and took a determined breath.

"She and my uncle were driving somewhere. They were on a highway, and it had just started to rain. It hadn't rained for a few weeks, so the road was slippery. They were at an intersection...the light for the people going through the other way turned yellow, and the last car tried to stop. But there was an eighteen-wheeler behind him who couldn't."

He paused to blink away more tears. "The truck driver swerved so he wouldn't hit the car in front of him. That sent him straight into the lane where my uncle's car was instead. He tried to miss them too, but the truck rolled over, trailer and everything. It caught on fire and crashed…right into their car, plus the two cars behind it. The truck driver lived—he got thrown out the windshield just as it started to turn over. The people in the other cars got hurt, but they lived too. My mother and my uncle weren't so lucky... He wound up dying in a coma three days later. She d-died...instantly..." Ryoga repressed a sob.

"I'm sorry, man," Ranma said softly, but Ryoga shook his head and continued.

"There wasn't anything anyone could've done, I guess. I was...I didn't know what to do. There was no way she'd come back for me now. I hadn't seen her for almost three years...I was twelve when it happened. Just a few months before I met you, actually." He shrugged and went on.

"I remember the funeral—it was a dark, cloudy day..."

_A cemetery. Low gray clouds hung in the sky, and a chill wind stirred the long grass and occasional flower decorating a grave. A small group of people, clad mostly in black, stood around an open grave near the edge of the cemetery. Some held umbrellas tucked under their arms, others held flowers, their bright colors standing out harshly against the bleakness of the day. One of the figures was shorter than the others, though dressed in black as well._

_Ryoga stared at the oblong wooden box beside the empty grave, a single rivulet of tears coursing down each cheek. His father was standing beside him, one arm around the boy's shoulders, but Ryoga hardly seemed to notice. The words of the priest and the quiet sobbing of some of the bystanders were meaningless to him as he gazed at the coffin, a slightly puzzled expression on his face. Everything seemed wrong. His mother couldn't be in there, he thought, she liked being out in the sun—she would never want to be locked in a box like that. And she would hate a day like this, her favorite days were those when the sky was so blue it nearly hurt to look at it and the only clouds were fluffy and white, not gray and sad-looking. Even the flowers people were holding to put on the grave were wrong—they were mostly red and pink roses. His mother liked lilies the best, especially purple and yellow ones._

_Ryoga looked up at his father, who was dry-eyed and expressionless. He tugged at his father's black coat._

_"Dad, they made a mistake," he whispered, his hazel eyes sparkling with tears. The pallbearers were lowering the coffin into the grave. "Mom wouldn't want a box like that, and they've got roses, not lilies. Lilies are her favorite…"_

_Shin Hibiki pulled his son against his chest, wrapping both arms around him. He'd been afraid this would happen, his boy had a tendency for denial._

_"No, Ryoga. She's gone," he said quietly. He stroked his son's black hair, so like his mother's, as the boy began to sob brokenly. Ryoga heard the first scrape of shovels against dirt behind him…_

Ryoga opened his eyes and stared at the blank ceiling above him. "So that was that," he said listlessly. "You probably won't believe this, but I'd never really gotten lost before she died. It happened gradually, I guess—I'd be walking home from school or something, then look up twenty minutes later and realize I was six blocks away from my house. Or I'd start to go to my next class and wind up in the basement of the school. Instead of developing sense of direction like everyone else, mine sort of...deteriorated. I didn't pay much attention to it at first, but it started getting more serious. Nothing looked familiar to me anymore. If I tried really hard not to get lost, I wound up getting lost worse—and that was the town I'd lived in for thirteen years. I couldn't figure it out, but back then I wasn't trying very hard...I don't know...maybe, considering what started happening, I was trying to get lost—not consciously maybe, but there isn't any other explanation I can think of. I guess I got so used to it, that when I finally did try to get somewhere, I honestly couldn't..." He shrugged again. "Doesn't matter anyway, I guess. Maybe if I'd known the trouble it was going to get me into..." He shook his head.

"Anyway, things calmed down for a little while after that. Quiet before the storm, you could say. After about a month, my father started drinking even more. And he got real violent. He…stopped just hitting me and started...beating me. He lost his discretion and started hitting me in the face, too. It happened more—first it became twice a week, then three times, then everyday almost. I started getting scared—I really don't think he knew when to stop. I ended up in the hospital more than a few times. They suspected something was going on, but a few extra yen in the right places kept anyone from intervening. I think the housekeeper suspected, too. But I knew better than to say a word, and I'm sure he told her not to ask if she wanted to keep her job. He became really controlling, too—he was always strict, but it started to get extreme. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere or do anything—not like I ever did anyway. I had to come home right after school because he'd call at three-thirty to make sure I was there. And if I wasn't..."

_A slightly younger Ryoga sat inside his bedroom. The clock on the nightstand read 8:28 PM. His room was strangely bare for one belonging to a fourteen-year-old boy. There were no posters or pictures or toys, just a bed with a dark blue blanket, a nightstand with the clock and a lamp, and a desk and chair next to the closet door. The window was covered with blue curtains to match the bedspread, and some schoolbooks and a few novels lay on the desk._

_Ryoga jumped off the bed when he heard the door slam shut on the first floor. He looked around quickly. His homework was done, his room was clean, he'd washed the dishes from dinner because Mia had left early, and his school uniform was hung up in his closet. He glanced down at his clothes—plain, dark violet shirt and black pants, nothing torn or dirty. He struggled to remember if he'd forgotten anything…_

_"Ryoga!" thundered his father's voice. "Where are you?"_

_"Coming!" Ryoga called breathlessly. He darted down the stairs and into the living room where his father was waiting. Ryoga could tell immediately from the tense, cold expression on the man's face that he was in trouble._

_"You weren't here when I called today," his father said coolly._

_Ryoga stared at the floor. It was better not to look his father in the eye at times like this—in other words, every night._

_"You got lost again, didn't you?" his father asked, his tone deceptively light. Ryoga saw him lift something from the table in the center of the room. It was long and narrow—his father's bo. It had been his weapon of choice when he'd been practicing martial arts…_

_Ryoga nodded once. "I'm s-sorry," he said, his voice small._

_"Of course you are." Ryoga squeezed his eyes shut as the man stepped towards him. "But that's no excuse, is it?"_

_Ryoga shook his head. His shoulders were starting to tremble, and he tried desperately to make them stop._

_"Well then, perhaps you can tell me how someone who's lived in the same town for fourteen years and is smart enough to never get below a B in school can get 'lost'?"_

_Ryoga continued to stare at the floor. His father was now right in front of him, and he could see the man was keeping his left arm slightly behind him, as though to hide the weapon he was holding. Ryoga didn't answer. His father slipped a hand beneath his trembling son's chin and gently forced his face up. Ryoga kept his eyes downcast._

_"Well, Ryoga?"_

_"I-I didn't m-mean to," he stammered, his eyes filling with tears._

_The man abruptly raised his hand from under Ryoga's chin and backhanded him across the face, almost hard enough to knock him down. Before he could even regain his balance, Ryoga felt himself slammed back against the wall, already dazed. He repressed the reflex instilled by years of training to block the strikes—he'd sorely regretted it the single time he hadn't. He winced as the bo descended next, connecting sharply with his side and sending white stars of pain through his vision. He felt, as well as heard, his ribs crack from the blow. He fell to his knees, knowing not to cry out as he was hit over and over again on his back and shoulders. Although it had only been seconds, it seemed like hours had passed before he heard the weapon clatter to the floor. His father grabbed his wrists and hauled him to his feet, making Ryoga struggle to remain conscious as the pain in his side flared blindingly._

_"I trust this won't happen again now, will it?" his father asked quietly. Ryoga was unable to answer. His head snapped to the side as his father backhanded him again._

_"Will it?"_

_Ryoga gasped for breath. "N-no," he managed to whisper._

_"Good. Go to your room," his father commanded, releasing the hold on his wrists. Ryoga collapsed on the floor as the man left the room. It took several moments for him to stand, clutching his side in agony. He managed to stagger up the stairs and into his bed, trying not to sob as hot tears rolled down his cheeks. By the time he managed to lie down, the pain was so intense that he was seeing waves of black flow across his vision. Later, he wasn't sure whether he'd fallen asleep or lost consciousness._

_The next morning, Ryoga got up slowly, trying to keep his breathing light. His ribs were definitely cracked, but not broken. He knew what a real broken rib felts like; he'd learned the last time his father had decided to hit him with something besides his fists. He'd also learned the repercussions of attempting to stop his father's fury._

_Ryoga slipped on his uniform, trying to move his left arm as little as possible. He got his books and hurried downstairs, where his father was waiting for him._

_"Ryoga, come here," his father's low voice commanded._

_Ryoga obeyed. His father cupped his chin in one hand and turned his head to the side, examining the dark bruise marring the side of Ryoga's face. He touched it carefully, gently pushing back his son's black hair._

_"If anyone asks how you got this, what will you tell them?"_

_"I walked into a door," Ryoga replied._

_"Good. And I expect you'll be home when you're supposed to be today?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Good." His father pressed his hand against the boy's cheek for a moment, then let him go. "I'll talk to you then," he said._

_He turned to walk out the door. Ryoga heard the car start up and pull away. He had no appetite, but he went into the kitchen anyway, knowing that alarming Mia would only bring more trouble for him. Ryoga felt slightly sick at the idea of school—the question wasn't if people would ask, but when. The other boys would ask him mockingly, and he would give his patented answer. They would gang up on him, call him stupid and taunt him, ask him how he could know martial arts but still be so clumsy and get lost all the time. He'd take a couple of swings at them and they'd leave him alone. Except for the new boy, the one with the ponytail who lived just a few houses away, the one who took his bread every day and always teased him…_

Ranma shook his head, thinking back to his days in junior high, where he'd first met Ryoga. Immediately drawn to another martial artist, Ranma had tried being nice to the sullen, black-haired boy even after the initial challenge he'd made—showing up at his house in the morning before school, hanging around him and trying to get him to talk or laugh or something. Ryoga had refused to really forgive him entirely even back then, and had endured Ranma's company with more of a grudging tolerance than real reciprocation, but it had made them companions by something of a default. He remembered Ryoga being awfully quiet and withdrawn, rarely speaking to anyone, and often a target for teasing. He had always wondered the reasons behind Ryoga's constant hurry to get home after school, and why, even on their better days, he'd repeatedly refused to go anywhere with him. And yes, Ryoga had often come in with bruises, but Ranma had always assumed it was like he'd said—he'd walked into a door, or gotten it while training...

_Huh. Well, now I feel like a real jerk,_ he thought. He glanced at Ryoga, his blue eyes troubled. _I never coulda guessed what he was going through. _Ranma's father hit him all the time, but that was the restrained, practiced blows of training, not a brutal beating while he was defenseless. How awful it must've been…

Ryoga took a deep breath before going on. "Things like that started happening almost every day. Sometimes, it was really bad—when he used something to hit me, or the time he threw me down the stairs. I didn't try to block anything after that...I really got it the time I disappeared for three days—you know, when I was supposed to come to our fight. I thought he was going to kill me."

Ryoga's voice rose a bit, trembling slightly. "I got a two day stay in the hospital for that. A concussion, two broken ribs, and four more cracked—again. By then, I knew...I—I had to get out. So after I healed, I started planning. You and your father had already left for China...I started staying after training and cleaned the dojo, so my sensei paid me. I saved up all the money I could. Then, one night, when I was almost fifteen, I was ready..."

_The clock on the nightstand read 11:37 PM. Ryoga pushed back the blue comforter and slipped out of bed, already dressed. He paced silently down the hall to the door of his father's bedroom and listened carefully, but heard only silence from within. The man was undoubtedly sleeping off the effects of the alcohol from several hours earlier._

_Ryoga padded back down the hall to his room. Once there, he reached under his bed and pulled out his pack. Using nothing but the moonlight shining through the window, he checked his supplies—extra clothes, food, sleeping bag…all bought and carefully hidden over the past several weeks. He closed all the pockets securely, his insides fluttery with fear. If he got caught…he shook his head angrily. No time for that now. He pulled on the pack, settling it on his shoulders._

_Opening the door to his closet, he lifted out his red umbrella. He looked at it thoughtfully for a moment, then decisively slid it through the loops on the top of the pack. Ryoga then slipped on his shoes and stepped into the hall, closing the door quietly behind him. He walked silently down the steps and slid open the front door. Letting his eyes adjust to the light of the moon and the yellow glow of the streetlamps, he made his way to the sidewalk. Once there, he turned and looked back at the house. The only home he'd ever known…_

_"Good-bye, Father," Ryoga whispered. A single tear slid down his cheek as he turned and walked into the night. China sounded like a fine place for someone who wanted to be lost…_

"So that's it, huh," Ranma asked, and Ryoga nodded silently. "Well, I guess it's nice to know you didn't just leave because of me..." he started to say slyly.

"Don't think you're off the hook, Saotome, you still messed up my life," Ryoga snapped.

Ranma half-smiled. "Hey, it was worth a try," he said, glad to see the Lost Boy act at least a little like his old self.

"Huh," Ryoga said. "Yeah, right. It would've been a lot easier if I didn't have that stupid curse you gave me."

Ranma rolled his eyes. "Aw, c'mon. I didn't give it to you; it was an accident. And I'm cursed too, ya know."

Ryoga turned to look at him thoughtfully. "You never got it, did you? And after all the times you've seen me in my cursed form..."

The blue-eyed boy frowned. "What about it?" he asked.

"Do you have any idea what I would give to have your curse instead?" Ryoga asked him.

Ranma thought about mentioning how turning female wouldn't have gotten Ryoga as close to Akane as P-chan did, but he quickly buried the idea. "Why?" he asked curiously.

The bandana'd boy scowled slightly. "Isn't it obvious? I could handle having a couple perverts chase after me if I turned into a girl. It would be better than turning into something that's six inches tall, practically helpless, with people chasing you around because they want you for a pet or for dinner. And when I'm in the woods...there's all sorts of wild animals out there, and a lot of them are bigger than a little piglet," Ryoga said. The trace of annoyance faded from his features, and his expression grew distant. "If you think this is the first time I've come close to dying…you're wrong," he finished softly.

Ranma swallowed, feeling guilty. And he here he'd always been blaming Ryoga for turning into P-chan and hanging around the Tendos', making fun of him for his curse all the time...he'd never really considered how hard it probably was for him. Ranma knew that his father, Shampoo, and Cologne had each tried to cook 'P-chan' on separate occasions, and then there had been the time that rich couple picked him up, then the incident with Azusa...and Ranma had never thought of the troubles Ryoga might have while traipsing around Japan by himself, especially in the woods. He thought back to the time he'd poured water over the Lost Boy when they were at Ryugenzawa and flung him into the middle of the oversized-animal-filled forest, and cursed himself inwardly for being such a fool. He was lucky that 'P-chan' had practically landed in Akane's lap, instead of…he banished the thought. On top of all that, not being able to communicate or even get hot water to change back without a great deal of difficulty…it couldn't be easy to put up with it day in and day out.

_Ok, so he has been through hell,_ Ranma admitted to himself.

Ryoga continued to look at him, an odd expression on his face. "And you at least had your father with you."

Ranma raised an eyebrow at him. "I don't know if I would consider having Pop around a plus," he mused.

"Yes, it was," Ryoga said, his voice almost inaudible. "Do you have any idea what it's like to be lost in the worst part of a city? With no way to get out, and no one looking for you?"

Ranma frowned. "What do y'mean?"

Ryoga's mouth twisted a little. "Let me tell you, Ranma, the backwater sections of any of the big cities are no place for a fifteen-year-old...or anyone. And with my sense of direction...I wandered straight into them, almost every time. Some of the people there…sometimes, they'd try…they'd try to…"

Ranma shuddered inwardly. Fending off the occasional perversions from people like Kuno and Mikado was one thing, but dealing with those who dwelt in dark alleys was entirely different. Martial arts, even those of Ryoga's caliber, would be hard pressed to stop a gun...and the person holding it.

"Did anything ever...happen?" Ranma asked cautiously.

Ryoga shook his head. "No. I can run as fast as you can, you know."

Ranma absorbed the information, feeling a wave of revulsion at what might have happened if Ryoga wasn't a fast runner. _Ok. So he's been through the really bad parts of hell. But he's not telling me something…_

"Alright. Now I see why you were actin' the way you were about that poster," Ranma said. "But…there's something more ain't there? I know we fought and stuff, and I ran into Ucchan while I was looking for you, and she said you argued too, but—there was some time between then and when you, uh..."

Ryoga closed his eyes. "Yeah," he sighed. "After we...fought, I wound up near her place. She asked what was wrong, and I...I kinda lost it. Then she lost it, too. I guess she was stressed out over something and didn't like what I said."

Ranma raised an eyebrow. _I won't ask, but I'll bet it was somethin' about me. _Then again, considering what had happened between them, it probably hadn't been entirely unjustified either. "Ok, so then what? She said you took off."

Ryoga nodded. "I did. I felt…I can't explain it really, but...I wanted to go home. I know it sounds stupid, after being so hell-bent on avoiding it, but...I just couldn't think of anything else to do. I mean, having Ukyo turn on me like that, after you s-said those things about A-Akane...I wanted out. For good." He swallowed hard. "I found a phone, so I called home. I thought things might be different...he—my father—he hadn't tried to find me for so long, so I thought...maybe he wouldn't hurt me anymore. I mean, he kind of let me go...and with poster and everything, I thought maybe he wanted me back." His eyes filled with tears again. "So I called...and Mia answered the phone, n-not my dad. I asked where h-he was a-and she got upset..."

Ranma looked at him worriedly, seeing the tears that were slipping down the sides of Ryoga's face again. "What happened?" he asked gently. The Lost Boy stayed silent for a long moment.

"He's dead, Ranma," Ryoga whispered finally. "Last week...he put out those posters because he knew it was going to happen...he w-wanted to say good-bye..." More tears spilled down his face. "And I was too busy running away," he said brokenly.

Ranma stared at him, shocked. _God…as though his life isn't bad enough already…_ He laid a hand on Ryoga's trembling shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he murmured. Ryoga didn't reply, and he sighed. "Listen, I know it probably don't mean much right now, but there was no way you coulda known. And considering...what happened...no one can blame you for not wanting to go back."

Ryoga shook his head miserably. "If I wasn't such a damn coward..."

"You are not," Ranma said. "Believe me."

A few moments passed before Ryoga turned back to him. "But I'm in trouble," he said. "They know now—that I ran away and everything. The doctor said he'd call Mia. They'll take me away, make me live with s-strangers or something..." His eyes grew wide with fear. "They'll take me…" he said again.

Ranma leaned forward slightly. "Don't worry about that right now," he said calmingly, though he was worried about that himself. "Things'll work out."

Ryoga sighed as a shudder worked its way through his already-tensed body. "What am I gonna do?" he whispered desolately.

"It'll be fine," Ranma insisted. _Am I overusing that line tonight, or what?_ he wondered distantly. If only saying it could make it true. "Just worry about getting better." He could tell Ryoga was completely exhausted, there were shadows under his eyes and his face was still but a shade off white. Ranma glanced at the clock—nearly an hour had passed since Ryoga had started telling his story. As if on cue, the door opened behind him. Ranma turned to see the brown-haired nurse enter. She smiled pleasantly as she walked over to the bed, carrying a blanket over one arm and a small white case in the one hand. She gave the blanket to Ranma as she went to the other side of the bed. He pressed it onto his lap.

"How do you feel?" the nurse asked Ryoga, but he just stared at her nervously as she opened the case. "Do you feel lightheaded at all? Does anything hurt?"

Ryoga shook his head, watching as the nurse held a ball of cotton to the top of a bottle she'd taken from the case, and he caught the scent of rubbing alcohol. She tugged back the sleeve of his shirt to press the cotton against the inside of his elbow, then pulled a syringe from the case and removed the cap.

The Lost Boy stiffened immediately and tried to pull away, but of course he couldn't go very far. "Wh-what is that?" he asked anxiously.

The nurse stopped and glanced at him, then up at Ranma, smiling again in the same pleasant, patient manner that was quickly becoming maddening to the pigtailed boy.

"It's just to help you sleep."

Ryoga tensed even more, causing the nurse to laugh at his expression. "Don't worry, it won't hurt you. But you need to rest."

Ranma narrowed his eyes ever so slightly as he watched, noting Ryoga's apparent discomfort at the sight of the syringe. He scuffed at the floor with his shoe, feeling slightly frustrated.

Ryoga shifted uneasily, but allowed the nurse to insert the needle in his arm. He gritted his teeth when he felt the familiar prick and burn as she pressed on the plunger, then the coolness of the alcohol as she held the cotton on it and pulled it out. She snapped the case shut.

"Someone will be in to check on you in a few hours," she said. "If you need anything, just press the button." She exited the room, shutting off the bright overhead lights as she went, leaving it lit by the soft white security lights.

Ryoga tried to cross his arms over his chest, then found he couldn't because of the restraints. He scowled as though he was annoyed and let his hands fall back to his sides, though Ranma could see the slight tremor of nervousness that Ryoga was struggling to keep at bay.

Ryoga could already feel his eyelids getting heavy as the medicine took effect, and his thoughts rapidly became murky. Ranma unfolded the blanket beside him, and Ryoga turned to him anxiously.

"You're not going to leave, are you?" he asked, sounding almost fearful.

Ranma glanced at him, surprised at the question. He noticed Ryoga's eyes were dark and unfocused. _Man, that stuff sure zoned him out quick, he thought. Guess that's good though—tired or not, he was completely wired._

" 'Course not," the pigtailed boy told him reassuringly. "I toldja I'd stay, didn't I? I'll wake you up before I leave tomorrow, Ok?"

Ryoga relaxed and settled back on the pillow. "Ok," he murmured, closing his eyes. About thirty seconds later, he was fast asleep.

Ranma blinked in amazement as he wrapped the blanket around him. _Huh. Oughta keep a supply of that stuff around. Instant Ryoga-calmer. Bet it would come in handy._ But his thoughts quickly became more serious as he realized that the thought of the Lost Boy being constantly sedated wasn't necessarily a farfetched one.

_What _is _gonna happen? _he wondered uneasily as he gazed at the sleeping boy. _Will they take him away? What if they make him stay in a hospital somewhere, or put him in a foster home?_ Ranma curled up in the chair, swallowing hard in an attempt to rid himself of the tightness he found suddenly forming in his throat. There were no martial arts in this one. Which meant he had no idea what to do. No wonder Ryoga had been so upset, he was the same way—martial arts: no problem. No martial arts: problem.

_Huh. Well, either way, they're not takin' him anywhere,_ Ranma thought resolutely. _No way…_

Exactly how he would prevent such an occurrence in the event that it came to be was something he'd have to work on. He tried closing his eyes, but a hundred different thoughts swirled through his mind. One of the less pleasant ones rose to the surface.

_And what am I gonna tell Akane?_

Ranma sighed. He knew this was far from over. A long time passed before he finally fell asleep.


	11. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: Ranma ½ belongs to Rumiko Takahashi, Viz, Fuji, Kitty, and Shogakukan. The characters aren't mine and blah blah blah yackety shmackety. Please don't steal my fic.

Chapter 10

~ Issues ~

_We chase misprinted lies_

_We face the path of time_

_And yet I fight_

_And yet I fight_

_This battle all alone_

_No one to cry to_

_No place to call home..._

~Alice in Chains, "Nutshell"

**Ranma awakened slowly as the first rays of the morning sun began to edge their way through the window. **He found himself curled in a chair with a blanket wrapped around him, and looked about in confusion.

_What the—oh. _He saw Ryoga sleeping in the bed beside him, the post-dawn light cutting a rosy band across the blanket covering the young man's slumbering form. Ranma stood, grimacing a little at the aches here and there in his body from sleeping in an upright position all night. Refolding the blanket, he glanced at the clock, which displayed 6:48 AM. Everyone at home would just be starting to get up, except for Kasumi, who was no doubt already busy in the kitchen.

Ranma set the blanket on the chair and glanced at Ryoga. Whatever the nurse had given him the previous night must've really knocked him out; he was usually up with the sun. Ranma placed a hand on his shoulder and shook him gently.

"Ryoga. Hey."

The Lost Boy stirred, then opened his eyes halfway to look up at him. Ranma could see that his eyes were very dark and took a moment to focus.

_Whoa. He's still more than a little out of it,_ Ranma thought, feeling somewhat disturbed by the fact.

"Ranma?" Ryoga mumbled questioningly. He could see the light in the room had changed, and decided it must be morning.

"Yeah. Are you gonna be alright?" Ranma asked quietly, not wanting to jar the boy awake.

"Yeah," Ryoga answered sleepily.

"Ok. Listen, I'm gonna go home now, alright? Everyone wants to know what happened." Ranma spoke slowly, giving time for him to understand what he was saying. "But I'll come back later. This afternoon, probably. I'll see if I can find your stuff."

It took Ryoga a moment to answer. "Ok," he said finally.

"Alright. Take it easy," Ranma told him. He turned to leave.

"Ranma," Ryoga said suddenly from behind him. The pigtailed boy stopped and looked back. Ryoga's eyes were open, his hand stretched out towards him. Ranma stepped over to the bed, taking the other boy's hand as he did so.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Thanks," Ryoga murmured, his voice barely above a whisper. "For staying...and everything."

Ranma smiled a little. "No problem. I'll see you later, Ok?" Ryoga nodded and closed his eyes. Ranma squeezed his hand gently, then released it. Ryoga settled back on the bed and was asleep again before he left the room.

Ranma closed the door silently behind him and padded down the hallway, empty but for the occasional nurse or doctor walking busily past with clipboards or trays of medicine. He found the brown-haired nurse and told her that he was leaving, then made his way out of the hospital and onto the street. Birds were beginning to raise their voices in song, heralding the new day as the light of the rising sun sparkled on the dewdrops left on flowers and hanging from the chain link fence along the road.

Ranma thought as he walked. He was several blocks away from home, giving him time to try and figure out what he was going to tell everyone. When he finally reached the gate of the Tendo house, the blue-eyed martial artist paused and gazed at it for a few moments. Then he hiked back his shoulders and walked through.

Might as well tell 'em the truth, plain and simple, he thought resignedly. This ain't gonna be pretty...

**"He WHAT?"**

Ranma started as a chorus of voices fired the same question at him all at once. There was a moment of tense silence around the table, finally broken by Kasumi's soft "Oh, my." All eyes were on Ranma, and a nearly identical look of shock was on everyone else's face. Even Nabiki was wide-eyed. Soun quickly geared up for a fit of wailing, covering his face with one arm.

"Ohh, how terrible! That one so young, and here he helped save my little girl so many times!" Soun lamented as Kasumi automatically went to comfort him.

Ranma groaned. "Aw, c'mon. I just said he was alright!"

"Oh, thank goodness!" Soun exclaimed, his sobs immediately diminishing. Everyone else blinked a couple of times, then started talking all at once.

"The path of a martial artist is fraught with trial..." Genma said wisely.

"Hmm. Guess we should've seen that one coming," Nabiki mused, quickly regaining her composure.

"Poor Ryoga," Kasumi said sorrowfully, clearly fighting her own tears.

"What do you mean, 'seen it coming'?" Akane demanded.

Nabiki looked at her sister coolly. "Come on, Akane. The guy was always borderline, don't you think? He practically had 'Depression' stamped on his forehead."

Ranma growled in exasperation. "Would you please stop talking about him in past tense?"

"Ooh, sorry," Nabiki stated, covering her mouth with one hand.

Akane sat staring at her lap, her emotions mixed. She was mad at Ranma, and furious with Ryoga to the point that had he been there presently, she was sure she would've hit him. But she was confused too, her heart flipping between anger and concern and fear and many other feelings. Unsure of how to deal with the situation, but knowing she didn't want to do it in front of everybody else, Akane stood and ran from the room.

Everyone watched her abrupt departure, clearly dumbfounded.

_Uh-oh,_ Ranma thought, jumping to his feet to follow her. "Akane!" he called as he raced out of the room. Soun and Genma nodded their approval.

"Ah, at times like these, fiancés must draw together."

"Well put, Saotome."

Nabiki rolled her eyes. "Great. Somebody tries to off himself and you two think it's an opportunity for a bonding session," she said disgustedly, climbing to her feet and stalking towards the stairs.

Ranma ran into the dojo after Akane. _This is gonna suck,_ he warned himself. "Akane..._Akane,_" he said, trying to put a hand on her shoulder, but she turned and shoved him away. From her pool of mixed emotions, anger came out on top.

"How could you!" she demanded, outraged. "How could you not tell me he was P-chan? You knew he slept in my bed! You—you-"

Ranma put his hands up in front of him in a gesture of defense. "Akane, it's not what you think-"

"You jerk!" she shrieked, raising a hand to slap him.

Normally, Ranma would have taken the blow, but the events of the past week and especially the last night had his nerves frayed. A vision of Ryoga lying unconscious in the woods stood out harshly in his mind, making his chest tighten and his own temper flare. He reached up and deftly grabbed her hand before it struck him, his eyes flashing.

"That's enough!" he shouted. Akane's look of fury turned to surprise. "Stop actin' like a spoiled brat for once and listen to me!" he snapped, releasing her hand. Akane blinked at him, astonished.

"I couldn't tell you about Ryoga's curse because I promised him I wouldn't," Ranma said._ Well, actually I promised the neighbor's dog that I wouldn't, but who's asking,_ he thought a little wildly. "It was bad enough as it was," he continued, his voice calmer now. "I practically told you a thousand times anyway. The only thing I didn't do was say 'Ryoga is P-chan.'" He paused and sighed. "I didn't like the whole thing, and that's why I was always in your room at night way back when. I was tryin' to get him out of your bed."

Akane looked at him, her eyes wide. "Why—why did you stop?"

Ranma sighed again. "I dunno. I mean, if I could prevent him I did, but it wasn't like he was hurtin' ya or nothin', so I just let it go. He didn't like it either, Akane—it was really tearin' him up inside. But he couldn't find a way to tell you, I guess, and it got out of hand. He didn't want you to hate him, and he didn't want to upset you."

Akane stared at the floor, sifting through the information she had just received. _Oh, Ryoga…_

After a moment she lifted her head. "I want to see him," she said suddenly.

Ranma whirled to face her. "No way, Akane."

"Why not?" she demanded, her anger returning at the pigtailed boy's abrupt refusal. "Don't you think this is important? I need to-"

"No," Ranma said flatly. "Listen, Akane. There's a lot more to this. He's really upset right now; you know how emotional he gets. You'll just make it worse."

Akane clenched her fists. "You can't stop me," she said indignantly. "He's got a lot of explaining to do-"

"Would you _listen_ to me? How many times do I hafta ask?" Ranma cried. "He tried to _kill_ himself, Akane! Really tried! And he damn near_ did!"_ His voice started to tremble. "I found him lying in a _pool_ of his own _blood!_ If I'd found him five minutes later, he'd be dead now! Don't you understand?" Ranma's blue eyes filled with tears. "Do you think this is easy for me? That it's easy for him? I mean, God ...seeing him like that...I thought he was _gone_, Akane. I had to wait in the damn hospital, not knowing if he was going to live or die. Someone could've come up to me at any minute and told me he was gone. It was close, Akane...so close..." he trailed off, his voice barely a whisper as he sank to his knees, covering his eyes with one hand.

Akane stood stunned, feeling her own tears starting to form. She hadn't known...

Ranma felt two arms wrap around his chest. "A-Akane?" he choked.

"I'm sorry, Ranma," she sobbed quietly, burying her face in his shoulder. "I didn't know what happened. I didn't think how awful it must've been for you...for Ryoga..."

Ranma tentatively placed his arms around her shoulders. "I know, Akane," he said softly. "And I'm not saying you shouldn't go and talk to him, eventually. I know he's your friend, too. Just—just give him some time, alright? Could you do that?"

She nodded against him, and he hugged her. "He meant what he said in the note, Akane. Remember that."

"I will," she whispered.

They held each other for a long time, not saying anything at all.

**"He WHAT?"**

Ranma jumped back from the counter. _Why does everyone react the same way?_ he wondered, his hands automatically forming the token pain-ward.

Meanwhile, Ukyo lunged for the okonomiyaki she'd flipped up into the air upon hearing Ranma's statement. She succeeded in catching it on the plate she was holding, then turned back to the pigtailed boy, her eyes wide.

Ranma blinked and relaxed again. "I know, I know. Unbelievable, right?"

"Oh, no," Ukyo said, her voice tense with distress. She shut off the grill and walked around to the other side of the counter. "But he…he's Ok, right?"

"Yeah," Ranma sighed. "As Ok as someone can be after that."

Ukyo frowned, her deep blue eyes troubled. "H-how? Seppuku?"

Ranma shook his head wearily, sinking back onto a stool. "No. He, uh...cut his wrists..."

Ukyo slid onto the stool beside him. "Oh…my God…" she breathed, blinking back her tears. She held a hand up to her mouth. "You were the one who found him though?" she whispered.

Ranma nodded. "The woods. Behind the school." He looked up at her, his expression strained. "It was awful, Ucchan," he whispered. "I—I thought he was dead. I got him to Dr. Tofu, and he called an ambulance and everything...but when we got to the hospital, they wouldn't let me stay with him. I had to wait for so long... I kept thinking they were gonna come out and t-tell me he was g-gone."

Ukyo laid a reassuring hand on his arm, and Ranma continued.

"I finally got to see him, and I was so mad...when he woke up, he said...he said..." Ranma choked on the words. He took a shaking breath. "He said he wished he'd slit his throat..." he managed.

Ukyo's eyes widened. "Oh, no," she gasped, the tears finally overflowing down her face.

Ranma nodded. "I couldn't believe he said that. I lost it right then. But he was so upset..." The blue-eyed boy stared down at the counter. "I...this wasn't supposed to happen, Ukyo," he murmured.

"I know," she said to him. "But—we've all been through so much crazy stuff...we should be able to handle this, right?"

"That's just it," Ranma said, sounding almost desperate. "I got no idea what to do. I can't fight it with some technique or one of the Old Ghoul's tricks...it's like we've all gotten so used to stuff we never thought was anything more than bedtime stories that something like this seems..."

"Farfetched?" Ukyo supplied. She sighed. "I guess all we can do is play it by ear. Maybe it's not as bad as it looks. I mean, maybe he just had a really bad day," she said hopefully. "Did he tell you why...?"

Ranma shrugged. "Yeah, kinda, I guess. I stayed with him last night, and he talked to me for awhile. You know how he always says all that junk about being through hell?" Ukyo nodded. "Well, he has," Ranma sighed. "But that's his story to tell, not mine. There is one thing... You know how he followed me because of the stupid bread feud? He wound up in China. And while I was at Jusenkyo with Pop, Ryoga was there, too." Ranma became a bit shamefaced. "I—knocked him into a Spring."

Ukyo gazed at him ruefully, already feeling sympathetic. "Ryoga has a curse too, huh? I kinda suspected."

Ranma glanced at her, surprised. "Y-you did?"

The chef blinked at him guilelessly. "Well, sure. I mean, why else would he act so loopy around cold water? And Akane's little pet pig has a bandana just like Ryoga's. Ryoga adores Akane. The piglet adores Akane. Ryoga hates you. The piglet hates you. They both get lost all the time, and one is never around at the exact time that the other one is." Ukyo raised an eyebrow at him. "Ryoga is P-chan, right?"

Ranma appeared dumbfounded. Ukyo was obviously a little more observant than he'd thought. "Yeah, he is. I promised not to tell anyone, but I guess this don't count since you figured it out for yourself. Plus he told Akane in the note he left, so you were bound to hear it sooner or later." He paused and shook his head. "Funny thing is, Ryoga didn't even know I was the one who knocked him in until after he got here. Pop and I were both in our cursed forms when it happened. He figured it out pretty quick once he did get here, though."

"So that's why he's always mad at you."

"Huh. Part of it anyway."

Ukyo tilted her head to one side. "Ok, but if he was going to do this just because of his curse..."

"It's not just because of his curse," Ranma said. "There's a lot more to it. And there's probably even more to it than what he told me..." He shook his head again.

"I should go see him," Ukyo said suddenly.

Ranma brightened a bit. Ryoga and Ukyo got along pretty well, and despite their argument, he would probably be glad to see her. "That's a good idea," the pigtailed boy said. "I told him this morning that I'd come back today, but I hafta go find his pack. He'd probably be glad to have someone he knows there with him in the meantime."

"Do you think so?" she asked.

"Yeah. Akane wanted to go, but I told her not to. She's all wound up over the whole P-chan thing, and Ryoga's shook up pretty bad, too." Ranma stood slowly. "I should get goin'," he said. "I told him I'd be there, and I guess I should tell someone about the place where he...uh, last night, I mean..." Ranma tried awkwardly.

"O-oh," Ukyo stammered. "I should get ready to go, too."

Ranma glanced at her, a look of concern passing over his features. "You Ok?" he asked.

Ukyo forced a smile. "Yeah. But are you Ok?"

The pigtailed boy tried to smiled back, but his eyes remained troubled. "Hey, I've survived Akane's cooking, right? I can deal."

Ukyo blinked at him, deciding not to press. "If you say so, Ranma-honey," she acquiesced. She watched as he walked towards the door, his hands in his pockets as usual, but his back was unusually stiff.

"I'll see ya later, Ucchan," he said over his shoulder.

"Bye, Ranma-honey," she answered absently, wondering how things had ever gotten to this point.

**Ukyo stepped off the elevator and looked down the hall, searching for room 332.** Suddenly feeling a bit nervous, she walked towards the open door and peeked inside to see Ryoga sitting on the bed facing the window, still dressed in the soft blue hospital pajamas. Taking a deep breath, she knocked on the inside of the doorframe. Ryoga turned quickly.

"Hi there, Sugar," she greeted, smiling a bit weakly as she tried to hide her shock over how pale he was.

"Oh—Ukyo," Ryoga stammered, his expression startled. _What's she doing here?_ he wondered.

"Mind if I come in?" she asked.

Ryoga blinked at her. "Huh? Oh, uh, sure. S-sorry."

Ukyo walked around the bed to sit beside him. "How are you?" she asked, eyeing the bandages on his wrists. She glanced at his face and noticed he was staring at the floor, his eyes downcast. "You, um…look tired."

Ryoga nodded, the motion listless. "I spent half the morning talking to a bunch of doctors, then my father's lawyer showed up."

Ukyo frowned. "Lawyer? Where are your parents?"

"They're dead."

Ukyo gasped. "Oh! I'm s-sorry," she stammered, flustered over what she'd said. _Good one, sister,_ she thought to herself. _Reeeeal good._

Ryoga shrugged almost imperceptively. "It happens, I guess," he murmured.

Ukyo felt her eyes fill with tears. Ryoga looked so sad, his eyes darkened to deep gray, his silky black hair contrasting sharply against his pale, smooth skin. He appeared almost ethereal, like a sad angel looking down at the world, his eyes filled with more sorrow than it seemed any person should feel. Unable to stand it any longer, Ukyo threw herself against him and wrapped her arms around his chest.

"I'm so sorry, Sugar!" she sobbed, tears flowing down her cheeks. "This is all my fault!"

Ryoga stiffened in surprise and stared, perplexed, at the crying girl clinging to him. "Wh-what?" he managed, completely confused.

"You just wanted me to listen to you!" she explained tearfully. "But I wouldn't do it! If I had, this wouldn't have happened!"

It took a moment for her words to sink in. Ryoga blinked, then placed his hands carefully on her shoulders. "It's not your fault," he said quietly.

She gazed up at him, her eyes still swimming. "You mean, you're not mad at me?" She loosened her near-suffocating grip on him.

"Of course not," he replied. "You had no idea what was going on."

Ukyo released him and pushed herself back slowly. "But I was still a lousy friend."

Ryoga looked at her intently. "You were just defending Ranma. He's your friend, too. Don't be sorry," he told her, glad that she'd stopped crying. Ukyo wasn't usually the type for emotional outbursts, and the experience was kind of unnerving to him.

The longhaired girl sighed and wiped at her eyes. She hadn't expected to get so upset, but the idea that Ryoga had nearly died and the possibility of her being part of the cause had her completely on edge. "I _am_ sorry. I should've at least heard you out," Ukyo told him.

Ryoga didn't say anything, but only shrugged and remained silent. She glanced at him, her expression one of concern. "So…what did your lawyer say?" she asked.

The Lost Boy sighed. "A lot." He shifted his eyes to gaze out the window. "He's my—guardian or whatever. But that was only supposed to be temporary. My father wanted me to be emancipated." He gave a small, wry grin that didn't reach his eyes. "I guess he didn't want me to have to live with strangers any more than I do."

Ukyo blinked at him. "So you're just going to..."

Ryoga shook his head slowly. "It's not quite that simple. Being a runaway doesn't speak very well for me, and then there's this..." He motioned with his wrist.

"So now what?" Ukyo asked, her brow furrowing in concern.

He shrugged again, listlessly. "Now I have to be...evaluated by the doctors, and I will have to live with someone if they decide to let me out...or I'll have t-to go to a...a...you know..." Ryoga put a hand to his forehead.

Ukyo gazed at him, troubled. "So they might…take you away?" she said, her voice faint with dread.

Ryoga closed his eyes. "I guess so," he replied. "Unless they say I'm alright and I find someplace to go."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Ukyo unable to find something to say and Ryoga not bothering to try. Then Ukyo brightened and looked up at him again.

"Wait, Sugar," she said excitedly, "you could come and stay with me!"

Ryoga stared at her blankly. "What?"

"You can stay with me," she repeated, warming to the idea. "At the restaurant. I've got a spare room on the third floor. There's even a bathroom up there. And you can go to school again, with me and Ranma and Akane."

Ryoga blinked. "Ukyo, I can't just...intrude on you like that-"

"You wouldn't be," she told him. "You could…help me in the restaurant. I could use a waiter." She looked at him almost pleadingly. "Please, Sugar? You don't want to leave, do you?"

"Well, no, I guess not, but..." Ryoga noticed her wide, hopeful eyes and saw her hands clasped in front of her, giving a perfect I'm-a-damsel-in-distress-and-you-don't-want-to-make-me-cry-by-not-doing-what-I-want-do-you? impression.

_Oh, shoot, _Ryoga thought, knowing he couldn't refuse. "Um, I could ask, I guess, and see what he says-"

He was cut off from lack of oxygen as Ukyo hugged him again. "Great!" she exclaimed happily. Ryoga gasped for breath.

"Uh, Ukyo I can't really breathe..." he managed.

Ukyo let him go hurriedly and blushed. "Sorry about that, Sugar."

"It's Ok," the wandering martial artist said absently. Then he perked up and cast a guarded look over his shoulder.

Ukyo followed his gaze and saw two doctors standing at the door. She pushed her hair over her shoulder self-consciously. "I guess I should go," she said hesitantly, somewhat annoyed that her visit had been cut so short. She turned to look in his eyes. "I'll come back tomorrow, though."

"You don't have to," Ryoga told her. Ukyo noticed his slightly pained expression.

"I want to. Unless you don't want me to-"

"No, it's not that," he said quickly. "I just...don't want you to feel responsible or anything..."

Ukyo smiled at him. "Ryoga, you dummy. I want to come see you."

"Well, I don't think I'll be going anywhere for awhile, so for once it should be easy to find me," he conceded.

Ukyo's smile widened as she stood. "You got that right, Sugar. I'll see you later," she told him, walking towards the door.

"See you," Ryoga murmured in reply as the doctors pushed past her to enter. He moved himself around on the bed to face them.

Ukyo turned to smile at him one last time before leaving the room, willing Ryoga to return it. But the Lost Boy's expression remained one of resigned weariness. Ukyo stepped into the hall, fighting back tears again. She knew Ryoga had every reason to be upset, but she hadn't expected his near emotionless demeanor. She had wanted to at least cheer him up a little, but she had gotten nothing. Not even a so much as a glimmer of hope in his eyes...


	12. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: You know, I was discussing some things with some peeps on AIM, and we decided that if you were in a bathroom, and you looked in the mirror and saw a dead, rotting person with no eyes in the sockets standing behind you, and then say the dead person opened their decaying mouth as if to speak and a whole bunch of maggots came falling out…well, wouldn't that just *suck*? We thought it would. Oh, and I don't own Ranma ½, Rumiko Takahashi does.

Chapter 11

~ Bygones ~

_Sometimes I feel_

_Like I am drunk behind the wheel_

_The wheel of possibility_

_However it may roll_

_Give it a spin_

_See if you can somehow factor in_

_You know there's always more than one way_

_To say exactly what you mean to say_

_Was I out of my head?_

_Was I out of my mind?_

_How could I have ever been so blind?_

_I was waiting for an indication_

_It was hard to find_

_Don't matter what I say_

_Only what I do_

_Never mean to do bad things to you_

_So quiet but I finally woke up_

_If you're sad_

_Then it's time you spoke up too..._

~Fastball, "Out of My Head"

Ranma walked slowly across the thick grass of the playing field, retracing his steps from the day before. Upon reaching the woods, he tried once again to steel himself against the sight he knew lay in store for him, but when he actually stepped into the ring of trees and saw the blood coating the mossy ground, he immediately squeezed his eyes shut as horror rose in him. There was more than he remembered, much more, some of it still gleaming wetly, the rest of it darkened to a shade off black. Ranma felt tears sting his eyes again; this had been his fault, he'd nearly been to late… The memory of Ryoga lying in the midst of all this, his face white and still, came rushing back.

_Ryoga…I'm sorry…_

Ranma took a deep breath as he tried to recover. Scanning the clearing quickly, he spotted the leather sheath and knife lying where Ryoga had cast them. He knelt beside the knife and lifted it slowly, examining the silver leaves shining against the black handle.

_So this is what he used, _Ranma mused, discovering the blood on the edge of the blade. _He must've had it hidden. I didn't see it when I went in his pack._

The blue-eyed martial artist gazed at it regretfully, wondering what he should do with it. He absentmindedly wiped it on some moss, removing the blood as he reached for the sheath with his other hand. Taking a final glance at the dark silver blade, Ranma slid it inside the case and slipped it into his pocket. Then he went to Ryoga's pack and lifted it, slinging the straps over his shoulders.

Ranma turned carefully, being sure not to look at the blood-soaked ground as he picked his way out of the trees and back across the field to the street. As he headed towards the hospital, he struggled to think of what he would say when he got there. Unable to come up with anything he felt was suitable, Ranma's thoughts drifted back to the conversation he'd had with Kasumi before leaving the dojo.

"Ranma, could I speak with you for a moment, please?" the eldest Tendo daughter had asked in her dulcet voice. She motioned for him to follow her into the kitchen. Ranma had gone after her quickly, curious at Kasumi's serious tone.

"Ok. What's up?" Ranma asked.

"I'd like to talk to you about Ryoga," she replied.

The pigtailed boy swallowed. "What about him?"

Kasumi started to run water into the sink to wash the breakfast dishes. "You and Ryoga are friends, aren't you?"

Ranma shrugged. "Huh. Maybe, I guess, but I doubt he sees it that way."

"Well, he does seem to have some good reasons for holding a bit of a grudge. You did knock him into the Spring of Drowned Piglet, didn't you?"

Ranma was taken aback. "How—how did you know…?"

Kasumi calmly picked up bowl. "I asked him, of course."

"Wait a sec," Ranma began, feeling confused. "So…you know about Ryoga's curse?"

Kasumi nodded. "Yes, of course. It wasn't really that hard to figure out. Akane never did, but then again, she can be very…naïve about some things."

Obviously, Ranma's constant hinting had not gone entirely unnoticed. The knowledge that this neglect of his promise to Ryoga had allowed others to discover his secret made Ranma flush with guilt.

"Why didn't you tell her Ryoga was P-chan, then?"

"I suppose for the same reason Father and Uncle Saotome never did," Kasumi explained, scrubbing at a pot. "Akane was so happy to have such a nice pet, we didn't want to ruin it for her. And Ryoga is such a sweet boy—I know he'd never hurt her intentionally. I'm sure he didn't really like what he was doing, but it made him happy, and he's usually so sad. It just didn't seem right to tell his secret as long as no real harm was being done."

_So that's why they all kept their mouths shut,_ Ranma thought. But Ryoga always seemed more angry than sad. "What do you mean about him being sad?" he asked.

Kasumi glanced at him. "You see Ranma, when Ryoga stayed here as P-chan, sometimes I'd bring him in here with me to keep me company while you and Akane and Nabiki were at school. It was nice to have someone to talk to. Sometimes he would change himself back and I would try to get him to talk to me instead. I've actually come to know him rather well, I think. But surely you've noticed how he is."

Ranma shook his head as he took all this in. He never would've guessed that Kasumi… He shrugged. Wonders never ceased. "Sure I've noticed, I guess. I mean, Ryoga's almost always a little on the down side, ain't he?"

Kasumi sighed. "It's terribly unfortunate. Ryoga is so shy, he usually didn't say very much. But I gather he's had a rather difficult life." The older girl turned to look at Ranma straight on. "Ranma, I know you two disagree often, and I know that Ryoga may seem angry most of the time, but he really is very kind and sensitive underneath. His feelings are hurt very easily, you know," she added.

Ranma frowned slightly at the thinly veiled reprimand and stared at the floor. "Yeah, I know," he muttered.

"In that case, don't you think you should apologize to him?"

The pigtailed boy jerked his head up in surprise. "Huh? Apologize?"

Kasumi blinked at him guilelessly, her expression slightly troubled. "You never did say you were sorry about Jusenkyo, did you?" Ranma shook his head. "Don't you think it would be the right thing to do, then?" Kasumi said.

Ranma fiddled with one of the fastenings on his shirt. "Well…yeah, maybe, but…" he trailed off helplessly as Kasumi continued to look at him expectantly. Ranma sighed. "Look, I've tried apologizin' to him a couple times before, and he never seemed to believe me or care or nothin'," he explained.

"But you never said you were sorry about knocking him into the Spring in China, though?"

He shook his head. "No. I guess I thought he wouldn't believe me for that either. I figured he'd just think I was trying to get something I wanted from him."

Kasumi appeared to think over this for a moment. "I don't think he would, actually. If you were sincere about it, I'm sure Ryoga would believe you. You are sorry for doing it, aren't you Ranma?"

"Of course I am!" Ranma exclaimed. "It was an accident and all, but I'm still the one who did it."

Kasumi smiled in approval. "You should tell him then," she said. "I'm sure it would make him feel much better."

"You really think it would make a difference now?" Ranma asked, rather doubtfully. "It's been a long time."

"I believe it's better late than never," she replied.

Ranma dug at the floor with a slippered foot. "But…should I do it, like, the next time I see him? I mean, Ryoga's kinda messed up right now. Shouldn't I wait? And besides, what if it don't change anything?"

Kasumi tipped her head to one side. "I suppose doing it now while he's under so much strain could upset him, but then again, it could be very helpful. I think you're the one who has to decide when," she told him. "But I'm sure Ryoga feels very alone. And that can be a terrible feeling."

Ranma had stopped scuffing at the ground. He thought about all the times he'd yearned to have some time to himself. Such times were few and far between with all his fiancées and rivals and family members around. But Ryoga...Ryoga spent so much time by himself while he was out wandering. Ranma imagined having nothing but trees for company day after day...or walking through city after unfamiliar city, surrounded by strangers and a maze of buildings...or sitting in a cold white hospital room...

"Kasumi—are you gonna go visit him?"

"Why, yes, certainly. But he's going to be staying at the hospital for a few days at least, isn't he?"

"Yeah. I think it's safe to say that."

Kasumi finished drying the last of the dishes. "I'd like for him to have some time before I go. It was only a little while ago that Ryoga became entirely comfortable around me, and I'd hate to make him nervous."

"Oh," was all Ranma said.

"It was nice of you to stay with him last night, Ranma. You're going to visit him again today, aren't you?" she'd asked.

"I told him I'd be there this afternoon. I was gonna try to find his pack first though."

Kasumi smiled again. "I shouldn't hold you up, then. Could you do me a favor and tell him I said hello?"

"Sure. Uh, thanks Kasumi."

With that, Ranma had slipped out the door. Now, he looked up and realized he was nearing the hospital.

_Great_, he sighed inwardly. _Here goes everything._

**Cologne of the Joketsuzoku Tribe bounced down the long white hall of the Nerima District Hospital on her staff, balancing a delivery box easily as she pogoed towards the nurses' station**. Lousy hospital food made for good business in the ramen department, and the old Amazon was accustomed to the layout of the building. She ignored the stares of patients, doctors, and other various personnel that she passed on her way, leaving them to marvel at what appeared to be a mummy hopping on a stick. Most took but a moment to stare; this was Nerima, after all.

Cologne approached the nurses' station and prepared to bounce inside, but paused at the open door when a piece of conversation going on within caught her attention.

"Listen to this. Sayuri told me he's one of those infamous martial artist kids. You know, the ones who are always running around and busting up the town?" said a female voice.

"Really?" inquired another voice, also female.

"Yeah," affirmed the first voice. "And the boy who stayed with him last night—the one in the Chinese clothes with the pigtail—he's another one."

_Pigtail, hmm? Martial artists? _Cologne thought with interest.

"You don't say," replied the second voice. "Funny, he didn't strike me as the violent type. Too quiet and sweet. He does have that kind of dark and broody look, though."

"I know," agreed the first voice. "It's a real shame, anyway. He's awfully young. Wonder why he did that to himself."

"You know how kids are these days. Everyone's only just starting to really pay attention to psychology, and some people are still raising their children the old way. I'm not saying that's bad or anything, but then you've got these kids who take everything too seriously. They get it in their heads that if they mess up once, it's all over. Terribly fatalistic, if you ask me," stated the second voice.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. But you know, if he really is one of those martial artist types, I'm surprised he didn't try seppuku. I thought that was their type of thing."

"Hmm. Maybe because it's hard to do it the 'right' way anymore, you know? Having a second and all? 'Sides, can't blame the kid for wanting an easier way out. Quicker, too," supplied the second voice.

"Huh," the first voice said doubtfully. "Maybe. Still, slicing up his arms like that couldn't have been easy. Not exactly a nice way to go, if you ask me."

"'Course, there aren't many good ways to go, are there?"

"Good point. Still, it's pretty sad. Poor kid," sighed the first voice.

"Yeah."

There was a slight pause before the subject changed. Cologne stood in the hall, her mind working quickly as she absorbed this information. No doubt, the pigtailed martial artist had to be Son-in-Law. As for the other one…she had a pretty good idea.

Cologne hopped through the door to deliver the ramen. After doling out food and receiving payment, she turned to the two nurses still engaged in conversation.

"Excuse me," the old matriarch interrupted politely. "Could you tell me what room a young man by the name of Ryoga Hibiki might be staying in?"

One of the nurses, a young woman with short reddish hair, the owner of the second voice, Cologne had determined, raised an eyebrow.

"Oh yes. He's in room 332, I believe," she answered. The other nurse nodded. "Third floor, of course."

Cologne blinked once. "Something to keep in mind," she told them cryptically as she turned to bounce out the door. The nurses watched her go, perplexed.

"That's odd. I wonder how that old lady knows him," wondered one.

"Who knows. It's a small world," replied the other.

Cologne briefly considered going up to the third floor right then, but decided against it almost immediately. Nearly 300 years of life had taught her much about the world and the creatures in it, but it had also given her ample time to know herself. The Amazon matriarch knew she was not one who was easily trusted, and with good reason. She wasn't ashamed by this fact, but she did realize that along with the assets of being such a person came liabilities. Having Ryoga see her now, while he was in the agitated state Cologne was quite positive he was in, would likely do more harm than good. She knew that Ryoga, like many of the other young people in her life right now, was often unsure of where he stood with the old Amazon. Confronting him now would only pressure him to decide if she was seeking to help him or to use him, and Cologne chose not to put him in such a position at the time. Therefore, she headed towards the hospital lobby, already considering plans on how to better deal with the situation she had stumbled into.

Ranma was about to open the door to enter the hospital when a green and white blur launched itself at him, causing him to leap back in alarm.

"What the—Old Ghoul?" Ranma stared at Cologne, who regarded him with amusement. "What're you doin' here?" he asked, suspicion evident in his voice.

"I came to deliver some ramen, Son-in-Law," she told him in her grating voice. "Found out a few interesting things about a certain patient they're keeping here, too."

Ranma's eyes widened as his guard went up yet again. "How did you know he's here?" the pigtailed boy demanded.

Cologne smiled smugly. "I have my ways, Son-in-Law." Then her expression became grim. "Besides, I should've expected such a thing from someone with a Shi-shi Hokodan the size of his." The Amazon peered at him curiously. "What are you doing back here so soon? I thought you two were enemies."

"I've got his pack," Ranma explained, ignoring her comment.

Cologne's eyes narrowed slightly. "Are you sure he'll be happy to see you?"

"What has that got to do with anything?" he retorted, his patience rapidly thinning.

The matriarch blinked at him sagely. "Figure that out for yourself, Son-in-Law," she told him. "But I hope you are doing this for something more important than your own personal gain."

The blue-eyed martial artist stared at her in surprise, wondering exactly what she had found out. And why the hell was she so concerned about Ryoga all of a sudden? "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, angered by her mysterious words.

Cologne bounced past him, her staff tapping against the pavement. "Just what I said, Son-in-Law," she called as she hopped down the street.

"Hey!" Ranma yelled after her. He considered following, but quickly decided it was more trouble than it's worth. "Crazy Old Ghoul," he muttered under his breath as he swept through the glass doors and into the lobby. He could worry about what Cologne had said to him later.

Ranma walked down the cool white corridor, blinking in the glare of the reflective artificial lights. Swallowing a little nervously, he headed for Ryoga's room. It was one of the rare times in Ranma's life that he felt completely unsure of himself. After all, what if the whole thing backfired? He'd finally admitted to himself that Ryoga had some pretty good reasons to hate him. After adding up all the things he'd done to the Lost Boy over the years, Ranma had found he had quite a set of offenses. There were so many things he'd thought Ryoga had forgotten or given up on, but now he realized they had each been formed into another emotional brick in the barrier between them. There were occasions when Ryoga had let down the wall for a time, but Ranma had always done something to fling it back up again, impenetrable as before, if not even more so.

Ranma paused to look down the hall, musing. And here he'd thought all along that he and Ryoga understood one another… Calling that a misconception now seemed to be something of an understatement. If he'd really understood Ryoga all this time, he would've realized there was much more to the Lost Boy than an angry martial artist with a Jusenkyo curse, an infatuation with Akane, and a desire for revenge.

_No, I've always known there's more to him than that. Otherwise, I never would have chased after him all those times offering to help or listen to him or whatever. Maybe it never did any good, maybe I messed it up every time, maybe I never figured out what was going on with him…but I knew there was something._

_Maybe you did, but did it make a difference? _inquired the voice in the back of his mind. And do you think I'll make one now?

Ranma let out a small growl of frustration. He'd been hoping the voice had taken an extended vacation. Apparently that wasn't the case. But that was beside the point. He could give up, or he could try to fix this. And since he didn't really consider giving up and option, he walked towards the open door of room 332.

Pausing in the doorway before really entering, Ranma glanced inside. Ryoga was sitting curled on the wide sill of the room's single window staring out; his arms crossed over his chest and his legs drawn up so his knees were touching his elbows. The position made him appear especially withdrawn to Ranma. The pigtailed boy watched him for a moment, his expression troubled. Then he took a breath and knocked on the doorjamb.

Ryoga started and turned his head quickly. Ranma immediately noticed that Ryoga's face was still close to being white, making his eyes appear even darker. Worse still, the Lost Boy's eyes widened when they set upon the pigtailed boy, apprehension and mistrust rising in their hazel depths.

Ranma tried his best to ignore it. "Hey," he greeted softly.

"Ranma," Ryoga acknowledged him.

The pigtailed boy stared for a moment, musing. Then he blinked, realizing what he was doing. "I, uh…found your stuff," he said finally, trying to brighten his voice. He failed miserably, but Ryoga didn't seem to notice, or care.

"Yeah. Thanks," muttered the Lost Boy. He reluctantly uncurled from his position as Ranma removed the pack and set it on the floor by the bed. He walked over to sit beside the other boy, being sure to put as much space between himself and the blue-eyed martial artist as possible.

Ranma noticed this and frowned slightly. Ryoga was staring at the floor, his head turned slightly away, his shoulders slumped. _What's wrong with him?_ Ranma wondered. _Last night he was talking to me, telling me things I'm sure he'd never said to anyone before. I thought I was making some progress…but now he won't even look at me!_

"Ryoga," he said.

The Lost Boy gave no indication that he had heard. He had no wish to look at the person who had seen him at his weakest, seen him stripped of nearly everything he'd had—his pride, his strength, his control, even his freedom. It was far easier to look at the cold white floor, to stare at its bare,uncaring surface instead of his companion.

"Ryoga," Ranma said again, his voice laden with concern. "What is it?"

Still silence. Ranma's apprehension grew. "Ryoga!" he repeated urgently.

Finally, Ryoga turned to him warily. The pigtailed martial artist quickly searched for something in the hazel eyes that were meeting his own. Pain and grief and apprehension behind a thin veil of indifference. Ryoga blinked once, then turned back to the floor, unnerved by the scrutiny.

Ranma sighed and pushed himself to his feet. "Ryoga, listen. About last night," he began. The other boy flinched slightly, cluing Ranma in for at least one source of his unease. "What you told me, and everything—I didn't tell anyone anything. I mean, I told them about your parents and they know about your curse, but I didn't say anything else. And I won't," Ranma told him. "So if you're worried about that, don't be. And you don't got anything to be ashamed of," he added.

Ryoga squeezed his eyes shut, fighting the wave of pain that rose in him. "Yes, I do. I have everything…"

"No," Ranma insisted. "Look, you needed to talk, alright? You needed help…and it don't matter that you cried. Everyone's gotta do that sometimes, and you had plenty of reasons. Besides," he continued quietly, "I cried too."

Ryoga glanced up at him, his brow furrowed. "You did? What for?"

Dark blue eyes held Ryoga's own steadily. "Because I…I thought you were gonna die."

Ryoga stared at him for a moment, then quickly dropped his gaze back to the floor.

"O-oh," he stammered.

"You sound surprised," Ranma said.

The nomadic martial artist shrugged. "I didn't…I didn't think you'd care…"

_"What?"_ Ranma asked disbelievingly, and Ryoga looked at him guilelessly. The pigtailed boy took a step towards him, feeling indignant and guilty at the same time. "Jeez, Ryoga, what kind of a person do you think I am?" he demanded.

Ryoga glanced away. "I just…didn't think you'd care," he repeated softly.

Ranma's anger faded. It wasn't Ryoga's fault that he felt that way, and the fact that he did seemed to make it all the more important for Ranma to do what he came here to do. "Anyway, um…when we were…in the dojo yesterday," the pigtailed boy began.

The Lost Boy immediately went on guard, wondering if Ranma was going to try to justify things for himself as he usually did. He eyed the other martial artist warily, unsure of what to expect.

Ranma saw Ryoga's expression and tried to continue. "Uh…I was thinking…about the things you said and stuff like that, and…" He realized he was pacing and stopped himself in front of the young man on the bed. He turned sharply to face him, causing Ryoga to lean back quickly out of reflex. Meanwhile, Ranma tried desperately to arrange his thoughts into intelligible words.

Ryoga blinked at him expectantly. "What about it?"

_Man, I suck at this_, Ranma groaned inwardly. He took a deep breath. "Well, uh…you…you were right," he finally finished.

Ryoga's expression shifted to confusion. "What're you-" he started to ask, but Ranma cut him off.

"Ryoga, I…listen, about the Spring, and Akane and everything…I just wasn't paying attention…I mean, doing what I shoulda been…" He trailed off, realizing he wasn't making much sense. "Look, what I'm tryin' to say is, all the stuff that's gone on between us…most of it's been my fault. The stupid Spring and all the fights and everything…I never tried to fix any of it, not really. I just threw a few pieces of bread at you and expected everything to be Ok…and it wasn't. And when you kept fightin' with me, I just fought back without ever stopping to think that it was wrong." Ranma looked at Ryoga intently. "I…I never wanted you to hate me," he said. "I never hated you, Ryoga, even though I know it don't seem that way all the time. I was so busy worrying about how I felt, and how everyone else felt that I almost never stopped to think about you much. I guess I thought it could wait…I didn't realize it couldn't, not really, until…l-last night…when I saw you lying there, all I could think was that it was my fault, and I'd never get to tell you…" Ranma trailed off again, closing his eyes. He took a sighing breath and bowed his head slightly. "Ryoga…I'm sorry."

Silence descended. Ryoga felt his insides go cold as he stared at Ranma, who looked at him in turn with regretful blue eyes that contained no sign of mockery or deceit within them.

"S-sorry?" Ryoga whispered finally. He glanced down at the thick white bandages on his wrists. But as he did so, his vision blurred, and a moment later he felt two hot tears splash onto his hands.

"Yes," Ranma said, feeling more strained by the moment. "For the bread, and the Spring, and for all the stupid schemes and tricks…and for just bein' a jerk."

Ryoga raised his fisted hands and pressed them against his forehead, hiding his face behind his forearms. "Why…why didn't you just say so before?"

_Oh, damn,_ Ranma thought as he noted the Lost Boy's rising upset. He tried desperately to find the words to explain himself. "I-I didn't…realize what I was doing to you. I mean, we were always fighting, it was a two-way thing, I just didn't see that I was being so much worse," he said. "And I didn't think…I thought that you…I was afraid that you wouldn't believe me," he finished finally.

Ryoga kept his face hidden, trying to grasp the full meaning of what had just been said. Ranma had just apologized to him. _Ranma_ had just apologized to _him_. It seemed too unreal, it couldn't have possibly happened…yet it just had. He shook his head, trying to sort this out.

_Damn it! _Ranma cursed himself._ He doesn't believe me, he still hates me, it wasn't good enough…I should've waited, it was still too soon, and now he's upset again…_

_Well, what did you expect?_ inquired the voice lurking in the back of Ranma's mind. _After the part you played in ripping his life to pieces, did you really think saying you were sorry now of all times would make everything alright?_

_Not exactly, but I was kinda hoping,_ Ranma thought, but his internal conversation was cut off as Ryoga let out something between a sob and a mirthless laugh. Then it continued, and the pigtailed boy realized Ryoga was laughing. But it was such an awful, hollow sound that it made him concerned rather than angry.

"Ryoga?" he asked anxiously. Ranma had no idea where he stood right now, so he debated wildly on what to do. "Ryoga, what is it?"

The Lost Boy didn't answer, but just shook his head and fell silent.

To think it would come down to this. _After all the time I spent wandering around lost, all the times he threw me on the ground and left me there, after all the fights and all the pain and envy and humiliation and anger…after I try to take my own life and he's dragged me back…he says he's sorry. In a hospital, in the psych ward of all places, this is what he decides. He's sorry…_ Ryoga fought down the urge to laugh again, his shoulders trembling slightly with the effort.

Ranma's worry increased. "Ryoga, c'mon! Talk to me, you're freakin' me out!"

Ryoga finally looked up, reacting to the apprehension in the other young man's voice. "Don't get all excited," he told him. "I'm fine."

The pigtailed boy swallowed, frowning nervously. "Are you sure?" he asked dubiously. He stepped forward cautiously and sat down on the bed again.

"Yes," Ryoga replied. "It just seemed kind of ironic, that something like this had to happen," he motioned with his wrist, "before you'd apologize. That's all."

Ranma blinked at him, still unsure. "Yeah, well I guess that makes sense, with both of us bein' all for extremes and everything."

"Yeah," Ryoga agreed thoughtfully. He dropped his gaze to the floor.

"I still wish it hadn't happened," Ranma told him quietly.

Ryoga shrugged. "Huh. What was that thing you said to me one time? 'Wishing doesn't make it true', I think."

Ranma sighed. "Somethin' like that." He bit his lower lip for a moment. "So, uh, do you, uh…you know…" he attempted awkwardly.

"Forgive you?" Ryoga asked bluntly.

Ranma raised a hand to tug at his pigtail. "Uh…yeah." He turned to look at the Lost Boy, dropping his hand back to his side. "I…I know it probably don't mean that much to you, and I shoulda waited 'cause of everything that's going on right now, but…I didn't want to put it off any longer," he told him. "I…would understand…if you didn't, I guess," he muttered.

Ryoga closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them to meet Ranma's. They remained that way for long seconds, dark blue eyes locked with deep hazel ones. Then he turned away, lowering his gaze to the floor again.

Ryoga sighed softly as Ranma glanced at him tensely, hoping for the best but expecting the worst. A minute passed in silence, stretching out into what seemed like years.

"I forgive you," Ryoga said quietly.


	13. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: Ranma ½ and all the characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi. I didn't make them, I don't claim to have made them. I'm obviously not creative enough for that sort of thing. So I'm just borrowing the characters for a bit, but don't worry, I'm not making any money.

Chapter 12

~ Slipping ~

_Your world was killing me_

_World was killing me_

_Disassociative_

_I can never get out of here_

_I don't want to just float in fear…_

~Marilyn Manson, "Disassociative"

_You're getting closer_

_To pushing me off of life's little edge_

_'Cause I'm a loser_

_And sooner or later_

_You know I'll be dead_

_You're getting closer_

_You're holding the rope_

_And I'm taking the fall…_

~3 Doors Down, "Loser"

**A gentle breeze pushed soft clouds through the blue afternoon sky and stirred the bright leaves of trees as it swirled through Nerima.** The many people outside enjoyed the light wind as they went about their business, reveling in the blend of warm sun and fresh air.

Inside a room on the third floor of the Nerima District Hospital, the breeze went unfelt and unheard by the two young men within. Instead, the soft whir of the cooling system broke the silence as it filtered the air, which carried a faint underlying scent of antiseptic.

Ranma Saotome sat on the bed in the middle of the room, staring at he boy beside him and looking slightly taken aback but hopeful at the same time.

Finally managing to find his voice, Ranma released a tentative question. "You—you do?"

Ryoga, who had been gazing steadfastly at the floor, looked up at the pigtailed boy sitting next to him.

"I guess," he replied quietly. "I mean, there's not much else to do, is there? We could keep fighting. I don't know about you, but that hasn't gotten me very far. Besides," Ryoga continued, "I think we're pretty even at this point. You made my life hell, and I did my best to do the same to you. Fair enough, isn't it."

Ranma's feeling of relief and happiness was dulled by the tone of Ryoga's voice. "Well, yeah, I guess it's fair, even though I kinda started the whole thing. But you don't sound like you're…I mean, don't get me wrong, but it sounds like you're only doin' this 'cause you don't think you have a choice."

Ryoga looked towards the window. "I don't really have one…I said I wanted it to end, remember? This is as good a way as any." Shifting his gaze back at the floor, he sighed. "Besides, it's not like I was ever going to really beat you in a fight anyway," he added dejectedly.

Ranma frowned. "C'mon, Ryoga, you ain't that bad," he said. "I've had the bruises to show for it. And there's a lot worse places you could be than second."

"Right," Ryoga replied absently. He scratched at the edge of one of the bandages with his thumbnail.

Ranma could see he was losing Ryoga's attention. "So…um, have they told anything yet? I mean about what's gonna happen?"

Ryoga bit his lower lip for a moment. "Nothing is for sure yet, but Mr. Nakajima wants me to move in with Ukyo."

"Ukyo?"

The other boy nodded. "She said something about it when she was here before."

Ranma blinked in surprise. "Who's that guy you were talking about? Naka-whatever?"

"Nakajima. My father's lawyer…and my legal guardian, now," Ryoga sighed.

"Oh. Is he alright?"

Ryoga shrugged. "He seems alright, I guess. But I get the feeling that he wishes I'd stayed missing until I was a legal adult so he wouldn't have to deal with me."

"Huh. Real responsible of him. Still, can't say I blame him," Ranma said.

Ryoga scowled slightly. "Thanks."

"That's not what I meant," Ranma amended. "Sheesh. I just mean it's prob'ly a handful, having to come to Nerima and all."

"Right. And I doubt he cares a bit that he found me in the psych ward of a hospital when he got here," Ryoga snapped.

Ranma shook his head. "Ah, he's stuck with ya either way, so who cares. 'Sides, if he wants you to move in with Ucchan, he won't have to deal with it much."

"I guess not," Ryoga muttered.

"Do you think that's what's gonna happen?"

"He seemed pretty happy with the idea," Ryoga said. "But I think maybe he has the wrong idea about me and her," he added with a faint blush.

Ranma grinned. "He probably thinks you two are bein' all sly. Still, that'll be cool. You can come to school with us and stuff."

Ryoga rubbed at his eyes and looked uncomfortable. "Maybe," he said, "but I'm sure if I did move in with Ukyo, she'd get sick of me pretty quick."

Ranma groaned. "Man, you can't keep a positive line of thought going for long, can you?"

"I'm trying to be realistic for a change," Ryoga said.

"What do y'mean?" Ranma asked.

Ryoga sighed and leaned back slightly. "Don't tell me you haven't noticed, Ranma," he said. "I've spent the last couple years on a different plane. I mean, running around yelling about revenge and honor and love all the time? I'd be surprised if they didn't lock me up for good. That would put a quick end to my camping days."

"What, so now you don't believe in any of that stuff?" Ranma asked.

"Maybe I do, but they aren't all the world is made of, right? It was just nice to pretend they were. For a little while, at least," Ryoga murmured. "Until the real world caught up with me."

Ranma looked at him, troubled. "I don't think anyone's gonna blame you for wantin' a vacation."

The Lost Boy turned away. "I can blame myself," he said.

Ranma placed a hand on his shoulder. "C'mon Ryoga. It ain't like you're the only one in Nerima who's acted kinda crazy here and there. Look at all the messed up stuff that goes on around here—stupid curses, love potions, magic mirrors and all that junk. Plus a whole load of weirdoes, like Kirin and that Copycat Ken guy. And that's not even mentionin' the locals," the pigtailed boy added.

Ryoga sighed again. "Yeah, but still…"

Ranma tried to continue. "Hey, so what if you're a little…"

"Psychopathic?"

Ranma groaned. "Eccentric. Psychopathic is a Kuno family trait, not a Hibiki one. You're eccentric, that's all."

Ryoga tugged at the knot in his bandana. "Huh. My mom always said that no matter what I do, I should do it wholeheartedly." He let his hand fall to his side. "Bet she didn't mean for me to take her advice so literally," he muttered.

_Oh. So that's why you're the overemotional, over-intense, too-serious guy we all know and love, _Ranma concluded sardonically. "Well, that's not so bad. It coulda been worse advice."

Ryoga shrugged listlessly, causing Ranma's brow to furrow in concern. The Lost Boy seemed to be drifting in and out of himself, and it was beginning to make him nervous.

"Listen, this is gonna sound like a dumb question, but what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Ryoga answered unthinkingly.

Ranma scowled at him. "Don't give me that."

"It's nothing," Ryoga repeated.

"Give me a break. I can tell when something's bothering you."

"Yeah, you've always been such a sensitive guy," Ryoga growled.

"C'mon…I knew something was wrong with you that time you joined up with Mousse to double team me, didn't I?"

Ryoga got a pained expression on his face. "How could I forget?" he asked dryly, his blush returning.

Ranma grinned wryly. "I didn't think ya would. But you were actin' all weird then. You kept runnin' away, then you teamed up with Duck Boy, and you were yellin' all that nonsense about pets and baby-sitting or something. You never did tell me what that was all about."

Ryoga's expression darkened. "If I remember right, you wound up chasing me all over town accusing me of wanting to take a bath with Akane. And you didn't ask."

Ranma blinked at him, realizing he was right. "Ok, well I'm askin' now."

The Lost Boy hesitated for a moment. "I think it was because Akane said something to me about you being jealous of me. As P-chan, I mean. She sounded pretty happy at the idea."

Ranma looked surprised. "She did?"

Ryoga nodded. "Yeah. That threw me right off. I was afraid she actually liked you."

The blue-eyed boy frowned. "So what the heck did you jump in the koi pond for?"

Ryoga blushed hard. "Uh…"

"Well, what?"

"If I tell you, you're gonna change your mind about the whole eccentric thing," Ryoga warned.

"Try me," Ranma offered

Ryoga glanced away, being sure to keep his eyes averted. "Um…I think my plan at the time was to turn into P-chan permanently because that was the only way Akane liked me, and I could…uh…be your pet…"

Ranma stared at him. "Are you serious?" he asked.

Ryoga nodded quickly, refusing to look up. "Psychopathic, right?"

The pigtailed boy considered for a moment, then shrugged. "Nah. I'd still call that eccentric. Maybe a little weird, and definitely a dumb idea, but not psychopathic. Besides, you had Mousse messin' with your head then too."

"I guess I could use that as an excuse."

Ranma rolled his eyes. "Hey, it ain't like you actually tried to go through with it or nothin'. No harm done and all that. Just forget about it."

"I was trying to," Ryoga muttered.

_Oops,_ Ranma thought. "Heh, sorry 'bout that. I'll just stay curious next time."

Ryoga's scowl faded. "It doesn't matter."

Ranma frowned again, disturbed by Ryoga's spur-of-the-moment shifts between being talkative and acting listless. "If you say so," he said, deciding not to press.

Meanwhile, Ryoga shifted his gaze to his pack lying on the floor. "Um…I don't suppose you found my…"

Ranma followed the Lost Boy's gaze and suddenly became acutely aware of the object in his pocket. "Yes." The tone of his voice caused Ryoga to lift his head, his eyes wide. "I hope you don't mind if I keep it for you for awhile," Ranma said pointedly, his eyes hardening.

Ryoga's eyes widened a little further at the edge in Ranma's tone, which obviously left no uncertain terms on the issue. He felt suspicion rising in him again as he wondered if Ranma was really on his side or simply enjoying his role of the hero.

Seeing the flicker of uncertainty in Ryoga's eyes, Ranma quickly threw down his guardedness. "Aw, Ryoga, don't look at me like that. It's just that…I'm still concerned about you, alright? Besides, the doctors would flip out if they knew I gave it back to you."

Ryoga hesitated for a moment, then appeared to relax. _It doesn't matter,_ he decided. "You're probably right," he agreed.

Ranma relaxed again as well. "Glad you understand," he said, feeling relieved.

Ryoga frowned and glanced at the clock. Noting the time, he closed his eyes wearily.

"What is it?" the pigtailed boy asked, tipping his head inquisitively to one side.

Ryoga scowled slightly. "The one doctor is going to be here in a few minutes. To give me some more of what they call therapy or whatever," he muttered.

Ranma stood up slowly. "I'd better go then," he said. The Lost Boy nodded once, not bothering to look at him. The pigtailed boy bit his lower lip pensively. "Hey, listen. I'm sorry I sprang all that stuff on you when I first came in here. I shouldn't have tried to make you deal with that right now," he told him.

Ryoga shrugged. "Good a time as any."

"No, it wasn't," Ranma argued. "I coulda waited. I just…wanted to get it out of the way. I thought it would help, but I shoulda asked you first."

"It's Ok," Ryoga insisted, obviously wanting the conversation to be over.

Ranma was still a little troubled, but decided again not to press. "Alright. Oh, I almost forgot. Kasumi wanted me to tell you hello for her."

Ryoga furrowed his brow. "Kasumi?" he questioned, feeling guilt well in him.

"Yeah. You never told me she knew about your curse."

"I didn't know she knew…not for a long time. While you were at school, she'd take me in the kitchen with her. I guess she knew from the start, but she never let on until she accidentally spilled some hot water on me. I thought I was going to have a heart attack, but she told me not to worry. And thankfully that was one of the times I changed back with my clothes on."

"Huh," Ranma smiled. "Good time to be lucky. I'll see ya later, Ok?"

Ryoga nodded, wishing he had the energy to tell Ranma he didn't have to come back. He decided it would be useless anyway—it certainly hadn't achieved anything with Ukyo, and Ranma was far more stubborn than her.

The pigtailed boy raised an eyebrow, still feeling somewhat distressed as he left the room. Making his way down the hall, he speculated on Ryoga's behavior—talking openly one moment, then near-silence the next. It seemed as though Ryoga would start to relax in Ranma's company, then remember where he was and who he was with, causing him to withdraw once more into a shell of distrust and anxiety.

Back out on the sidewalk, Ranma headed home, still feeling despondent. Talking to Ryoga about the time the Lost Boy had teamed up with Mousse caused Ranma to recall the incident once more. Something about it was nagging at the back of his mind, something Ryoga had said to him the evening before the trio had fought in the park, something significant. Ranma had chased after him that night because he'd been acting strange all day. What had Ryoga said to him?

_"You don't know me. Maybe you did once, but we're hardly those little kids anymore, are we, Ranma?"_

Ranma chewed his lower lip pensively. _Yeah, he said something like that. Maybe he had a point…but it's different now. That was a while ago when he said that. Still, even with all the junk Ryoga's got hanging over him, I know there's something wrong with him. Something ain't right with the way he's acting…I know he's upset and everything, but he still shouldn't be so…so…_

So what?

"Meh," Ranma growled in annoyance. Still wondering, he walked through the gate to the Tendo home. Suddenly realizing how tired he was, he decided to catch a quick nap before dinner. Avoiding any members of the household so they couldn't start firing questions, Ranma darted up the steps and into his bedroom, where he flopped down on his futon.

_I'll be able to think better if I'm not tired,_ he decided. A few minutes later, he was fast asleep.

And he was dreaming.

_Ranma was walking down a street. The sun was beginning to set to his left, streaking the sky in colors that seemed too bright. Looking about, he saw he was no longer in Nerima, but closer to the outskirts of Tokyo, near the seawall. He saw his girl-form sitting on a fence, watching him. Her red hair seemed to be made of fire as it caught the light of the setting sun. As soon as he drew close, she jumped down and landed nimbly beside him._

_Ranma took a step closer, now realizing that this was a dream. Nonetheless, he once again felt a bit uneasy at seeing his girl form next to him. He looked at her expectantly._

_"So, he said he forgives us." This came as a statement, not a question._

_Ranma nodded once. "That's good, isn't it?"_

_"Don't you think so?" she countered, her familiar eyes bright._

_"Yeah, of course," Ranma said defensively._

_His counterpart tipped her head to one side. "Well then, there's your answer to that. But you're still worried."_

_Ranma felt confused. "Yes…" he agreed slowly._

_"That's good, too."_

_"So why're we here, then?"_

_The girl looked at him intently, her dark blue eyes troubled. "Because forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. Once bitten…if at first you don't succeed…" she trailed off and looked away, towards the seawall, shielding her eyes with one hand._

_Ranma shook his head, not understanding. "What's that supposed to mean?"_

_"This fight's not over yet."_

_"But he forgives me!" Ranma cried. A roll of thunder sounded in the distance, and he looked east, towards the wall towering about a hundred yards away. He saw a mass of dark clouds slowly drowning out the reds and golds cast by the setting sun on the opposite horizon. He turned back to the girl, and found her regarding him sadly._

_"You're still losing him," she said, her voice tinged with sorrow._

_"What? How can that be-" He was cut off by another rumble of thunder, this one ominously closer than the last._

_His girl-form produced a small, familiar looking object and held it out towards him. Ranma took it, and discovered it was Ryoga's tin. The bright silver leaves glinted in the waning light._

_"Don't forget what you've learned," the red-haired girl warned._

_"I don't understand," Ranma protested. "What am I supposed to do?"_

_But his counterpart was fading, the colors in the sky behind her running together and darkening like an old photograph._

_"…losing him…"_

"Wait…wait…" Ranma mumbled, tossing on his pallet.

"Ranma!"

"Wha-?" Ranma shook his head and sat up, startled out of his slumber by a familiar voice. "A-Akane?"

The shorthaired girl glared at him. "I thought you'd never wake up!"

"Huh. Kinda hard to sleep with you yellin' like that," he muttered.

"That was the point, dummy. It's time for dinner."

Ranma yawned once, then bounced to his feet. "Good, I'm starved," he said.

Akane peered at him inquisitively. "Hey, were you dreaming just now?"

"Huh?"

"You were talking when I came in here."

Ranma shrugged. "Yeah, I guess so." In his mind's eye, he glimpsed vague fragments of images…the sun setting…dark clouds…his cursed form… He shook his head. "Don't remember much of it," he told her.

Akane blinked at him, then shrugged herself as they walked down the stairs.

"Hey, we don't got school tomorrow, do we?" Ranma asked.

Akane shook her head. "No, the furnaces broke or something like that."

"Alright! Another day off!"

"Ranma, you didn't come all last week!" she reminded him.

"Yeah, but chasin' Ryoga around in the woods don't really count as a vacation, does it?"

"Oh," Akane began. "I…just wanted to ask you…"

"What?" Ranma asked, pausing before the two of them entered the living room. He waited expectantly.

Akane looked down at her feet, wringing her hands. "Um…how is Ryoga doing?" she managed awkwardly.

"Wish I knew," Ranma murmured, remembering the distance in Ryoga's eyes.

"What?" Akane asked, sounding confused and alarmed at the same time.

"He's fine, Akane," Ranma answered. "Considerin' what happened to him and everything, that is." He offered her a weak smile. "Ryoga's gonna be fine."

**"Ni hao!"**

"Quack!"

Ryoga jumped and nearly fell off the bed as the violet-haired Amazon burst through the door, followed closely by a bespectacled white duck. Regaining his balance, he pulled himself into a less precarious position and sat cross-legged on the pillow.

"Hello, Shampoo. And Mousse," Ryoga added warily. Shampoo bounced onto the foot of the bed and beamed at him.

"Great-grandmother send Shampoo to visit!" she exclaimed, leaning over to set her delivery tin on the floor. Then she studied Ryoga intently, tilting her head to one side and blinking at him questioningly. "But she know say why you here. Directionless Boy no look sick."

Ryoga gazed at her in confusion for a brief second, wondering how Cologne had known he was here. Then he winced a little and tried to inconspicuously slip his hands behind his back. "Oh. Um, I'm not sick, I just-"

"Quack! Quack, quack quack quack quack, QUACK!" emitted Mousse, fluttering his wings in what appeared to be distress. He seized Ryoga's hand with his bill. "Quack!"

Shampoo leaned forward to inspect the bandages. "Aiyah," she said softly. "Silly Ryoga, what you do?"

Ryoga didn't answer right away, as he was busy blushing and staring down at his lap. "Um…well, I just…" he attempted.

The Amazon girl reached out and bopped a fist down on the Lost Boy's head as Mousse pecked him on the knee.

"No supposed to cut self with knife! Knife for cutting enemy!" Shampoo cried angrily. Her expression changed back to one of innocent thoughtfulness. "Hmm. Or for cutting vegetable." Then she frowned fiercely again. "Either way, no is for stupid Ryoga to play with!"

Ryoga looked at her bewilderedly. "Don't tell me nobody in your tribe ever…I mean, if someone gets dishonored or something, don't they…?"

Shampoo shook her head furiously, sending her violet locks swinging. "If Amazon dishonored, must kill person who cause dishonor, or find other way to gain back. No kill self! Only in most bad case do Amazon kill self." She peered at him, her pretty brow furrowed. "You no try again, right?"

"I don't think so," Ryoga told her. _It would be kinda hard, since you're all watching me like a bunch of hawks._

Shampoo seemed satisfied. She smiled at him brightly, then bounced off the bed and moved to his side.

"Silly Ryoga. You no should be so angry all time. It make you too sad." She pulled a bowl of food from her delivery tin and held it out to him. "Eat special ramen. Make you feel better, yes?"

Ryoga took it cautiously, hoping it hadn't been doctored. "Ah…th-thanks, Shampoo…I'm sure it will," he told her glibly.

Shampoo giggled in response, then picked up the delivery box. "Come stupid Mousse! Great-grandmother is waiting." She pranced towards the door, Mousse fluttering after her. "Bye-bye now, Directionless Boy!" she called turning to wave cheerfully as she exited.

"Quack!"

"Goodbye," Ryoga said absently, still trying to come to terms with the whole encounter. He wondered what the hospital staff must be thinking about his array of visitors as he heard Shampoo taunting Mousse down the hall. Chinese Amazons, ducks, pigtailed martial artists, spatula-toting girls—quite and interesting crowd.

_Interesting or not, I still wish they wouldn't come,_ Ryoga thought as he picked at the ramen. Certainly it tasted much better than anything the hospital could dish out, but his appetite had not yet returned from the leave it took last week.

_All they're doing is making me feel guilty. Besides, it's not like they really care…why should they? They just don't want to feel responsible…they want it to look like they care so no one will blame them. As if anyone would bother to do that, anyway._

Ryoga took a final stab at a noodle with his chopstick, then set the nearly-full bowl aside. Glancing at the clock, he saw it was only a little after seven. Wandering over to the window, he curled up on the ledge, resting his forehead against the glass. The hospital yard was now empty, so he looked at the sky instead to watch the remains of the sunset fade from the sky.

_But what about Ranma?_ Ryoga wondered. _I thought for sure he'd leave and never come back after I said I forgave him. He wouldn't have a reason to stick around anymore. But he seemed glad that I'd probably be staying in Nerima. And Ukyo…would she really offer to let me stay with her if she didn't mean it? I guess she could just be seeing it as a ploy to make Ranma jealous, but that would be awfully extreme. And even if she is just planning to use it as one of her plots, why did she start crying? Ranma said he cried too…was he afraid that everyone would've blamed him if I had died? Or does he really…and Ukyo…_

Ryoga blinked hard. The darkening view was not enough to keep the exhausted boy awake. He curled up tighter, wishing for the hundredth time that he could be outside under the sky instead of in the stark little room. He closed his eyes, imagining the scent of pine and earth replacing the smell of antiseptic, and the sound of the wind blowing through the trees in place of the air moving through the vent. Instead of bright fluorescent lights over his head, there were a thousand thousands of stars…

Ryoga sighed softly and slipped into sleep.

**Sometime later, Ryoga awakened.** It was dark outside the window now, and he felt a little stiff from being curled up for such a long time. He went to the bed and lay down, feeling weary. He closed his eyes and tried to relax, but his eyes snapped open and he tensed automatically when he felt a presence in the room with him.

Ranma and Ukyo were standing over him, their forms haloed by the ceiling lights.

"Now he's awake," Ranma observed, grinning. "Guess bein' all crazy must wear him out, eh Ucchan?"

"Sure looks like it, Ranma-honey." Ukyo smiled sweetly.

Ryoga blinked in the harsh light. "What are you guys doing here?" he asked, sitting up.

"We just came by to check on you of course, Sugar."

"Of course," Ranma echoed. "Hey, Ukyo. Did I tell you that Ryoga here said he forgives me?"

"You don't say. What a guy," Ukyo replied. "He said he doesn't blame me either."

"You did mean it, didn't you Ryoga?" Ranma asked.

Ryoga was growing nervous, there was something not quite right about the way the two were acting. "Why wouldn't I have meant it?" he asked.

"So you do. Mean it then."

"I…I guess so…" Ryoga said tentatively.

Ranma and Ukyo high-fived each other. "All right!" they cried in unison. Ukyo giggled wildly and Ranma continued to grin complacently.

"Well, in that case, Ryoga, have a nice life," Ranma said cheerily. He tilted his head, considering. "Or not," he added. "Whatever."

Ryoga sat up more and stared at them in confusion. "Wh-what?"

Ukyo smiled at him. "You're not gonna stick around, are you Sugar?"

"I…I thought you wanted me to," Ryoga replied hesitantly.

Ukyo tossed her head back and laughed. "You're kidding, right?"

Ranma leaned down so he was at eye level with the boy on the bed. "You didn't actually think she really wanted you to stay at her place, did you?" he asked lightly.

Ryoga looked up at the longhaired chef, an uneasy feeling settling deep within him. "You…you said you…"

Ukyo laughed again. "Oh, Ryoga, come on. I only said that because I felt bad about what I said to you the other night. I didn't think you'd be dumb enough to take me seriously."

Ryoga felt the familiar hurt rising in him. "B-but you…"

"Did you really think I'd want to be saddled with a loser like you? That's rich," she told him.

Ryoga shook his head. This couldn't be happening… He turned to Ranma.

"Aw, Ucchan. You've gone and hurt his feelings," Ranma remarked. "I suppose you're hopin' that maybe I'm on your side, right Ryoga? After all, you told me all that stuff about your parents and everything. You thought I'd understand," he said laughingly. "You poor idiot. No wonder you're so messed up," the blue-eyed boy continued. He leaned back and stretched. "Which is why I wouldn't mind if I never saw you again."

Ryoga stared at him in dismay, eyes filling with irrepressible tears. "But you said that you-"

Ranma waved a hand to cut him off. "Yeah, yeah. Truth is, Ryoga, I didn't mean a word of it. But you knew that, right? You're dumb, but you ain't that dumb. Or maybe you are. Either way, you forgave me, so no one can blame me for what happens to you now. I don't gotta worry about savin' your worthless hide anymore. You wanna go play with knives, be my guest. Just do us all a favor and do it in some other town, alright?"

"Yes, please do," another voice pitched in.

Ryoga turned to the door. "A-Akane?" he said, his voice full of trepidation.

"We don't need a pig like him around," she sneered.

"Sure don't," Ukyo agreed.

_No, no, no! _Ryoga thought in despair. _Don't do this to me, please don't… _He turned to Ranma again, a desperate look in his eyes. "Ranma…you don't really…I though that if…"

The pigtailed boy regarded him innocently. "'If' what? Oh, let me guess," he said. He turned to Akane and Ukyo. "Ryoga thought that since he forgave me, we could be _friends_," he told them, dragging out the last word mockingly. Both girls burst into laughter. Ranma turned back to him and placed a hand on Ryoga's head. "Cute, Ryoga. Real cute." He ruffled the other boy's hair. "You crack me up, man. Really. But we've all got better things to do, so like I said before, have a nice life. Or at least try something a little more permanent next time, like jumping in front of a subway train. Ok?"

"He'd have to find his way to the station first," Akane pointed out.

"Too true," Ranma laughed. He pulled his hand away and turned to the door. "C'mon, you two. Let's get outta here." The trio walked towards the door, leaving Ryoga on the bed, completely devastated, his entire body trembling.

"Wait," he called weakly, tears flowing down his face. "Don't leave me here. Please…"

Ranma turned to him one last time. "Later, P-chan. Remember, if they ever let you out: subway train. Though I doubt they'll ever let a psycho like you leave." He motioned with his hand, and Ryoga looked down at his wrists…and saw the restraints wrapped around them.

"No!" Ryoga cried, tugging at them desperately. To his horror, he saw on top of the nightstand a tray full of needles. He turned to the window, only to find it barred.

"No!" Ryoga shouted, struggling harder against his bonds. "Ranma! Help me," he pleaded.

Ranma laughed harshly. "Oh, get over it, Ryoga. Maybe he'll help you," he said, jerking his head towards the corner.

Ryoga looked…and found his father standing there, a familiar object in his hands.

"You failed me," the man said, stepping forward and raising the weapon. "You failed me…"

_"NO!"_ Ryoga cried, startling himself awake. His heart raced and he trembled violently, drenched in cold sweat. Gasping for breath, he searched the room. The ventilation system whirred softly. The little table with its vase of flowers and telephone sat beside the bed, his pack on the floor a few feet away. The door to the hall lay open, and the fluorescent lights reflected off the white floor and walls. Except for him, there was no one in the room.

A dream. It was a dream…

But the realization brought very little relief to him. Ryoga stood unsteadily from the window ledge and made his way over to the bed. He collapsed on top of it and buried his face in the pillow, sobbing helplessly.

_No…I can't…I can't do this…_he thought desolately. Dream or not, it had been all too real…and too close to what he feared was the truth. Ryoga bit his lip to keep from screaming in anguish as he felt his heart breaking again.

Outside the window, the night continued darkly, endlessly...


	14. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: Ranma ½ is property of Rumiko Takahashi. Her characters are just being borrowed for the purposes of this fic, which is not being used to gain profit or anything like that. However, I created this version of Ryoga's mom and dad, and the lawyer guy and stuff, so…touch them and die (no really, I don't care. And no one else probably does either, so it's all sunshine and lollipops).

Chapter 13

~ Perseverance ~

_I heard your voice through a photograph_

_I thought it up and brought up the past_

_Once you know, you can never go back_

_I gotta take it on the otherside_

_Centuries are what it meant to me_

_A cemetery where I marry the sea_

_Stranger things would never change my mind_

_I gotta take it on the otherside_

_Take it on the otherside_

_Take it on_

_Take it on_

_How long, how long will I slide?_

_Separate my side_

_I don't_

_I don't believe it's bad_

_Slit my throat it's all I ever…_

~Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Otherside"

_You're waiting for someone_

_To put you together_

_You're waiting for someone_

_To push you away_

_There's always another_

_Wound to discover_

_There's always something more you wish he'd say…_

~Vertical Horizon, "Everything You Want"

**A soaking wet Ranma shook herself with annoyance as she headed towards the house, followed by an even wetter panda bear**. Before entering, the panda also shook himself, sending a spray of water all over the redheaded girl.

"Pop, watch it! You stupid old man, I'm wet enough as it is!" Ranma shouted. She turned to boot away Happosai before he could latch onto her and accepted the steaming kettle offered by Akane. Ranma dumped some of it on herself and handed it to his father, then slogged up the stairs to change his clothes.

_This'll be the third set of clothes today,_ Ranma thought. _And it's only eight-thirty. You'd think Pop would at least have some consideration for Kasumi and quit throwin' me in the stupid pond all the time._

Not that Kasumi ever complained about doing the laundry. Ranma shrugged into a dry shirt and wringed some water from his pigtail. Then he dug through his clothes in search of dry pants.

After five minutes of finding none, Ranma charged down the stairs, clad only in his shirt and boxers, planning on wearing the same pair he had yesterday. He tugged them out of the hamper and had begun to pull them on when he heard something clatter to the floor.

_That was too big to be spare change,_ he noted as he tied his belt. He looked behind him to find out what fell and saw Ryoga's knife lying on the floor. Ranma bent down to pick it up.

_…losing him…_

Ranma shook his head and pushed the knife back in his pocket. He ran to find his shoes, then darted out the door. He was nearly to the gate when he heard Akane shout his name.

"Ranma! Hey, where are you going?"

The pigtailed boy screeched to a halt and turned around. "I'm goin' back to the hospital."

Akane reached his side. "You're going back again?"

Ranma frowned at her. "Jeez, Akane. If you were in the hospital, wouldn't you want people to come and visit you?"

Akane glared at him. "That's not what I meant. Isn't it kind of early? It's not even nine o' clock. Will they even let you see him?"

Ranma shrugged. "You can visit anytime from eight in the morning to eight at night."

"But Ryoga might not even be awake!"

"Yeah he will. You know Akane, it ain't like you to pass up a chance for me to not be here. You startin' to like me or somethin'?"

"Don't be ridiculous!"

"Ok, see ya," he said.

Akane grabbed his hand before he could go. "Wait! Um…let me come with you."

Ranma blinked in surprise. Then he shook his head. "Not right now. Maybe later today, alright?"

"Why not?" Akane asked, feeling stung.

"Because I…just wait a little longer, Ok? He ain't goin' anywhere." Ranma pulled away and darted down the street.

"Dummy," Akane muttered as she watched him go.

**Ryoga finished tying the yellow ribbon around the leg of his black pants.** He checked the clock quickly, and saw it was nearly nine. He slipped on his extra pair of shoes from his pack, then went to the door and peered down the hall. The shift change would be occurring for the next few minutes as the night staff left and the day staff came in. Just as he'd hoped for, the corridor was empty. Ryoga hurriedly returned to his pack and pulled out his hunting knife. Lucky for him, Ranma hadn't gone through the pack again, or he probably would've removed it. Ryoga shoved the sheathed weapon into his pocket, then went to the door again. Glancing down the hall once more, he started to step out…

And crashed straight into Ranma.

Ryoga gasped and stumbled back as Ranma reached out to steady him. He pulled away, a mixture of dismay, fear, and anger in his eyes.

Ranma didn't look surprised at all. Instead, he gazed at the Lost Boy steadily, his blue eyes cool. "Where d'you think you're going?" he asked conversationally.

Ryoga swallowed hard, feeling completely undone. "I—I wasn't going anywhere," he said.

"That's interesting. 'Specially since I find you walking out the door right during the shift change. Don't suppose that's 'cause you don't want anyone to see you leaving."

Ryoga squeezed his eyes shut, despair welling within him. Why did Ranma have to show up now of all times? And how had he known? Feeling two hands on his shoulders, Ryoga jerked back reflexively. Ranma caught his arm before he could pull away.

"Let me go!" Ryoga cried, suddenly outraged. "Why would you care, anyway? You're nothing but a liar, just the like the rest!" He started to struggle, but Ranma caught his other arm, trying to avoid grabbing his wrists on reflex.

"Ryoga, stop!" Ranma said. "What's gotten into you?" he asked, trying to position himself between Ryoga and the door as the angered boy tried to push past him into the hall. Despite being weak from not eating and lack of restful sleep, the Lost Boy's strength was still something to contend with. Ranma gritted his teeth, knowing that sooner or later, Ryoga would either break free or someone else would show up. Not liking either of those possibilities, Ranma abruptly released Ryoga's arms. Not expecting the sudden lack of resistance, Ryoga fell forward against him, unable to catch his balance. Ranma put his hands on Ryoga's waist and lifted the Lost Boy off his feet. Then, without further elaboration, Ranma shifted his weight to one side and tossed him inside the room.

Ryoga landed on his side, his body sliding several inches on the smooth floor. Quickly getting over the shock of what had just happened, he started to push himself up off the ground. He stopped halfway as Ranma slammed the door shut behind him and remained standing in front of it.

"Sorry, man. But you're not leaving."

Ryoga glared at him and climbed to his feet. Too late, he realized the knife had come partially out of his pocket. Before he could grab it, it fell to the floor.

Ranma strode over to him and picked it up. "Planning on traveling light?" he asked caustically, his blue eyes hardening. He motioned to Ryoga's pack. "Give me anything sharp you've got in there."

"No," Ryoga said defiantly.

"Do it," Ranma told him. "Unless you want me to tell the doctors about your little plan."

Ryoga's eyes flared in anger. "Where will that get you? I already said I forgive you! No one will blame you when I'm gone, so you might as well stop trying to play the damn hero!"

Ranma blinked, momentarily taken aback. He stared at Ryoga in shock as angry tears formed in the Lost Boy's eyes. "Wh-what?"

"I know exactly what you're doing! You just don't want anyone to hold you responsible for what happens," Ryoga cried. "You're nothing but a damn liar, I know you don't give a damn whether I live or die, and I don't care! And no one's going to blame you now, and they won't blame Ukyo either, so you can both just stop your damn game!"

Ranma felt something akin to horror flow through him. Was that really what Ryoga thought he was trying to do? Cover his own back?

"Ryoga…" he breathed. "You…you don't really believe that, do you?"

"Why shouldn't I?" Ryoga demanded. "It's true, admit it!"

Ranma closed his eyes and raised a hand to his forehead, trying to grasp implications of what had been said. He shook his head slowly, then looked back at the Lost Boy. "No…it's not true. Why…why would you think that?"

"Because I know you," Ryoga managed, his voice now a trembling whisper. "I know what you're like. You only care about yourself…n-not me…nobody does…" He slipped down to his knees.

"That's not true-"

"Yes, it is!" Ryoga screamed. "I've got no reason to live…and I don't deserve to anyway," he said, starting to cry in earnest.

Ranma stared at him in confusion. "Don't deserve it? Ryoga, look, I know you're upset about your father and all, but that's still no reason to-"

"That's not the reason!" Ryoga cried, lifting his head. "Yes, I miss him, but I've missed him my whole damn life because he was never there anyway. The worst thing about it is that I'm more relieved that he's dead than anything else! And I hate myself for that, because I should be sad, even though he didn't love me and even though he beat the hell out of me all the time. He was still all I had. But now he's gone, and I'm alone…"

Ranma could only gaze at him, overwhelmed. _He wants to kill himself because he's guilty for feeling relieved that someone who hurt him all the time is gone? _he thought in disbelief. _I don't understand…_

"Ryoga," Ranma said carefully, "it's not like it's your fault he died. Why shouldn't you feel a little relieved? You're human. And you're not alone-"

"Yeah, right," Ryoga interrupted bitterly. "There's Ukyo, who only wants to use me to get Akane out of the picture so she can have you. Cologne only trains me because she wants me to break you and Akane up. Shampoo wanted to _cook_ me for you. The only time Mousse was ever decent to me was so he could use me to help beat you. And Akane used me to make you jealous, no matter what form I was in. Then there's you," Ryoga said, biting the words. "You act all nice when you want something from me. The rest of the time, I'm your number one source of entertainment." He pushed his hair away from his eyes. "Great company. Sorry if I'd rather do without it."

Ranma fell silent, feeling at a loss. He couldn't deny what Ryoga had said, because as sad as it was, there was truth in everything he'd spoken. "Alright, so maybe it does look like everyone's just toying with you," he admitted. "But it's not like they don't care about you or anything-"

"Everyone appreciates a pawn."

Ranma let out a frustrated growl. "Can't you have just a _little_ faith?"

"In what?" Ryoga asked angrily. "Why should I?"

Ranma glanced at him, perplexed by the last question. "Why shouldn't you?"

Ryoga looked away. "I've got no reason for anyone to care about me."

The pigtailed boy blinked. "Why not?"

Ryoga turned back to Ranma, his eyes still bright with tears. "Because if your own parents can't love you, why would anyone else?" he whispered.

Ranma felt something inside him clench. "Ryoga…" he sighed sadly. He knelt in front of the other boy. "It ain't like that. Is that how you really feel?"

Ryoga swallowed and averted his gaze again. "It's true, isn't it?"

Ranma frowned slightly. "Look, I'm sure your father did, even if it didn't seem that way. And you said your mother…I mean, it seems obvious that she loved you-"

"Right," Ryoga snapped. "So much that she left me with a violent drunk. She knew what he was like; she'd been married to him for years before she took off. All those things I told you were just my own stupid delusions. I knew when she left that she was never coming back for me, whether she wanted to or not. I knew that once she started running she would never stop. I've done the exact same thing these past few years. I ran, and this is what happened when I stopped," he said, motioning with his wrist.

_No, Ryoga, you're still running, _Ranma thought. Just like you always do. _How many times have you run away because of something I did to you? I've lost count…_

The pigtailed boy tried to collect himself. "Listen. I didn't know your parents, but I really doubt that's how they felt. Maybe they just made bad mistakes. Everyone does…but besides all that, it don't mean the whole world hates you or nothin'. Especially not Akane and Ukyo and…everyone."

Ryoga looked at him, his dark eyes dull and weary. "It doesn't matter anyway. They'll get over me."

Ranma's eyes hardened "Even if they do, I won't."

"Would you stop pretending?" Ryoga hissed.

"I'm not pretending anything!" Ranma shouted, causing the other boy to start. "You haven't even given me a reason as to why you'd think that! What the hell is with you? As if I really just wanted…as though nothing else mattered…"

"What else does?" Ryoga asked him. More tears welled in his eyes, and he pulled his knees up to his chest and hid his face in his arms.

Ranma fell silent. _What else? What about the fact that you'd be gone and I'd never see you again? No more you for me to talk to and spar with and pick on and save from figure skaters who want you for a pet. No more you to plot against me and make me jealous and help me learn techniques and bail me out when I get in real trouble. No more you to shout crazy things and make me laugh and pick fights with and tease. No more you to be my best rival and my best friend…_

Ranma reached out and placed his hands on the sobbing boy's shoulders.

"Listen to me, Ryoga," he said.

The bandana'd boy lifted his head to look at him, his face wet with tears. Ranma gazed straight into his eyes, a determined expression on his face.

"I swear to you on my honor that I was not pretending anything," Ranma said steadily. "And I ain't pretending now. I don't know where you got the idea that I just wanted you to forgive me so I wouldn't be…accoun'able, but it's not true. I wanted you to forgive me so I'd be sure that you knew I…that I never meant to hurt you so much. Do you understand?"

Ryoga looked at him uncertainly, his hazel eyes still flooded.

_"Do you understand?"_ Ranma repeated.

Ryoga flinched slightly at the force in Ranma's voice, then nodded quickly.

Ranma sighed in relief. "Good." He stood up, pulling Ryoga with him. "Now. I want you to give me anything sharp you got in your pack."

Ryoga glanced at him, his eyes suddenly fearful. "A-are you going to tell-"

"Jeez, no. Haven't you ever heard of an idle threat?"

Ryoga sank down on the bed, rubbing the tearstains from his cheeks with his sleeve. "You can get it. The only other thing I have in there is the cooking knife. It's right on top," he said.

Ranma opened the top flap of the pack and pulled it out. This makes three. I'd be in serious trouble if anyone around this joint decided to search me, he thought cynically. "Give me your bandana, too," Ranma said, being all too familiar with Ryoga's ability to turn it into a weapon.

The Lost Boy scowled slightly, but reached around to tug loose the knot. He pulled the swath of bright cloth free, causing his thick black hair to spill down further over his eyes.

The pigtailed boy wrapped the bandana around the blade of the tool, then slid it into his pocket with the others. He moved to the chair beside the bed and collapsed into it wearily. He'd known something was up, but he hadn't expected to find Ryoga preparing to escape to someplace where he could…

Ranma's thoughts were cut off as Ukyo came flying into the room in a blur, brown hair streaming behind her. She landed on the bed next to a very startled Ryoga, her face a mask of excitement.

"Guess what, Sugar! Your doctor just told me they're letting you out on Wednesday! And guess what else, Mr. Nakajima called and said you can stay with me! Isn't that great!"

Ryoga managed to nod mutely. Ukyo turned to Ranma.

"Oh, hi, Ranma-honey. I didn't even see you there. Hope I didn't interrupt. I just couldn't wait to tell Ryoga the good news."

Ranma smiled at her. "Don't worry 'bout it, Ucchan. It is good news. Right, Ryoga?"

The Lost Boy's expression told him clearly enough that he had no idea what was happening. Ranma elbowed him inconspicuously. "Huh? Oh, yeah, that's great," Ryoga said to her.

Ukyo beamed at them happily. "I knew it would cheer you up!"

Ryoga gave her a wan smile as Ranma shook his head. At least he's trying. "Did they tell you what time, Ukyo?" he asked.

Ukyo nodded. "We can come and get him after school. Mr. Nakajima said he'd be here to sign the release papers." Then her brow furrowed slightly. "Hey, Sugar, what happened to your bandana?"

Ryoga immediately blushed. "Uhh…"

"He's lettin' me borrow it for a while," Ranma interrupted. Ryoga glanced at him, relieved.

"Borrow it? For what?" Ukyo asked, confusion stamping her features.

Ranma went blank. "Uh…"

Ryoga sat up. "Well, we were…um, thinking that since Akane knows about my curse and I won't be able to, you know, pretend to be her pet anymore, maybe we'd get her a real pet pig. And she can have one of my bandanas if she wants one for it."

_Nice save,_ Ranma thought, looking pointedly at Ryoga. "Yeah. That's right, it'll be a surprise. There's a weird pet store downtown that has miniature pigs. We can pick one out after school one day this week. You should come, Ucchan; you're a girl. You know all about cute stuff like that."

Ukyo glanced back and forth between the two boys, trying to figure out if they were hiding something. She wanted ask why Ranma needed it now if they weren't even going for a few days, but Ryoga seemed kind of strained, so she decided against it.

"Oh. Ok. That's awfully nice of you to do that for her," she said instead.

Ranma relaxed and put his hands behind his head. "Yeah. Course, she's such an uncute tomboy and all, she probably won't appreciate it or nothin'."

"Rannmaaa…" Ryoga growled.

The pigtailed boy grinned. "Old habits die hard, eh Ryoga?" he asked. The other two stared at him silently for a moment before he realized what he'd said. Ranma blanched. "Eh, heh. I didn't mean it like that," he explained.

Ukyo laughed nervously and Ryoga grimaced. "You crazy kids," she said.

Ranma tried to stifle his own laughter, but failed.

"Oh!" Ukyo exclaimed. Ryoga groaned and she started to giggle.

"Thanks a lot. Rub it in my face a little more, why don't you."

"Don't tempt us," Ranma warned. "It hasn't been on purpose so far."

"Sure it hasn't," Ryoga muttered.

Ranma shook his head. "Anyway, speaking of uncute tomboys, Akane's probably countin' the minutes at home. I think she wants to come and see ya pretty bad, Ryoga."

Ukyo raised an eyebrow. "Isn't she going to be mad?"

"Maybe," Ranma said.

"Yes," Ryoga said at the same time.

"Hey, that reminds me. How come you never told me about your curse, Sugar?"

Ryoga's expression darkened. "It's not exactly the kind of thing you want to go around telling people about," he grumbled. "Besides, you didn't ask."

"Hmm, good point. Oh, well, I kinda knew anyway," Ukyo said lightly.

"What?" Ryoga cried. He looked at Ranma. "You didn't-"

"Of course not! She figured it out on her own. And even if she hadn't, word woulda gotten around."

Ryoga put a hand to his forehead. "Great. So all this time, practically everyone knew except Akane, and no one bothered to tell me..."

Ranma glanced at the ceiling thoughtfully. "Yeah, come to think of it. Pop knew, Mr. Tendo knew, Cologne and Shampoo found out, so did Mousse, then there's Kasumi-"

"Ah, shut up."

Ukyo shook her head. "You two are impossible." Then she turned to Ryoga. "So, Akane wants to see you, huh? Maybe someone should stay for damage control."

"Don't scare him, Ukyo."

"It's a well-founded fear, Ranchan. How many times have you been on the business end of that mallet of hers?"

"Too many. Especially considering the bonbori, bokkens, chains, umbrellas and giant spatulas I've been on the business end of at the same time," Ranma said.

"You deserved it!" Ryoga and Ukyo chorused.

The pigtailed boy jumped. "Jeez. Great minds think alike, don't they." He bounced to his feet to stretch, then cocked his head and looked at Ryoga, only now noticing the drawn appearance of his face. "You don't look like you've been sleepin' so well, P-chan."

Ryoga's eyes widened at his statement. "Wh-what makes you say that?"

"You look like you're about to pass out, Sugar," Ukyo told him. "Maybe you should get some fresh air." She glanced at the window. "I guess your window doesn't open, does it," she realized sheepishly.

"N-no," Ryoga said. Memories of his nightmare came flooding back with frightful clarity. Ranma and Ukyo in the room with him…Akane…bars on the window…

His face grew pale, and his hands began to tremble.

Ranma didn't fail to notice. "Hey, man, relax. You look like you're gonna be sick."

Ukyo stood up, concern written on her features. "Are you alright, Sugar?"

Ryoga nodded. "I'm fine," he told them shakily. "I g-guess I am a little...tired, m-maybe."

Ranma and Ukyo glanced at each other. Then the pigtailed boy shrugged. "In that case, we'll let you sleep. You sure you're feelin' Ok? Should we get your doctor or something?"

"No!" Ryoga said quickly. "I mean, I'm fine. Really."

Ukyo and Ranma exchanged glances with each other again. "I'm fine," Ryoga insisted.

"Ok, Sugar. If you say so."

"Yeah, if you say so," Ranma echoed. Then he looked at Ukyo. "C'mon, Ucchan. I'll walk you home."

"You just want a freebie."

"Always a plus." Ranma turned back to the boy on the bed. "Take it easy, pal. We'll be back tomorrow."

Ukyo smiled. "Sure we will. Hang in there, Sugar."

"I will."

They headed for the door. "And behave," Ranma added over his shoulder.

"I _will,"_ Ryoga said exasperatedly. He watched them go, then laid back on the bed stare at the white ceiling. Sleep would be nice. Ryoga closed his eyes. An image of padded walls came unbidden to his mind, causing him to sit up with a start and gasp for breath. He tugged at the bandages on his wrists in a sudden fit of fear, then realized that nothing had changed.

_Forget that,_ the Lost Boy decided. _I'd rather be tired. Despite what Ranma said before, I'd rather be tired…_

**Ranma and Ukyo walked down the street, enjoying the fact that they weren't in school on such a nice day, but at same time feeling bad for the less lucky Ryoga.**

Ukyo paused, apparently wondering at something. Ranma stopped beside her. "Somethin' wrong?"

"He doesn't smile much, does he?" she asked, sounding a little dejected.

"Who, Ryoga?" Ranma said, and Ukyo nodded. He shrugged noncommittally. "Not really. Why do y'ask?"

"I…I was kind of hoping he'd cheer up…"

"He did cheer up," Ranma said.

"But it was only for my benefit," she protested.

Ranma sighed. "You know how he is, Ukyo. He don't smile much, 'cept for when he's in a really evil mood. Or if Akane's around, of course." He shook his head. "But I don't know if that counts. I think he does it then more out of nervousness than anything. Ryoga acts so edgy around her, it's hard to tell."

Ukyo smiled. "Yeah, I know. It's kind of cute."

Ranma felt his jaw drop. "Wha-? C-cute?" he stammered bewilderedly.

"Well, sure. I mean, he gets so strung out and jumpy. It's too bad Akane doesn't appreciate the way he tries so hard."

Ranma felt a bit dumbfounded. "Huh. I don't know what he sees in her. She's so uncute and all. Figures a guy like him would be willing to be saddled with a mule like Akane."

Ukyo's smile faded. "Uh, Ranchan? Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," he replied easily, not noticing her suddenly subdued tone.

They stopped in front of her restaurant. Ukyo stared at the ground, wringing her hands, her expression troubled. Ranma's brow creased with concern.

"Ucchan? What is it?"

The pretty chef sighed. "Ranma…you know the other night, when Ryoga…you know…"

"Yeah?"

"Well…when I was talking to him—arguing with him, or whatever—he said something…"

This can't be good, Ranma decided. "Ok," he said slowly. "What'd he say?"

"Well, I said something about how he was always blaming you for everything, and then he said that you couldn't do anything wrong in my eyes…" she trailed off nervously.

_Uh-oh._ "What else did he say?" Ranma asked warily.

"He said…he said you couldn't do any wrong in my eyes except for loving Akane and not me," Ukyo stated finally.

_Oh, damn,_ Ranma thought. _I didn't want to deal with this yet. Not now…_

"D-do you?" Ukyo asked, looking at him with wide blue eyes. "L-love her, I mean?"

Ranma sighed. "I'm sorry, Ukyo."

Ukyo dropped her gaze and bit her lower lip, trying not cry. "I understand, Ranchan," she managed.

"No, Ucchan. Don't just say that 'cause you think you have to." He placed his hands on her shoulders. "Listen. I know what you're thinking, but it's not like that. See, with you…you're like a sister to me, Ucchan. I ain't got that many friends, and you're one of my best ones. And every time I think of what my old man did, I wanna throw him off a cliff. It's not fair to you or me." Ranma took a breath and continued. "I always hated all this fiancée junk, 'cause I knew it was just gonna hurt a lot of people in the end. I know it sounds crazy with the way things are, but…I do l-love Akane. I wish I'd been the one to tell you before Ryoga did…I'm sure he didn't mean to do it that way…but it'd be wrong for me to keep pretending I don't anymore and to leave everyone else hoping for something that ain't gonna to happen. You don't deserve that, Ukyo, and neither does Shampoo…you both deserve someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved. And I'm sorry I can't be the one. Really, I mean it."

Ukyo sighed again and looked up at him. Her eyes were full of tears, but she was smiling. "I know you do, Ranchan. And it's Ok. If Akane is the one you want to be with, then you should be with her."

Ranma smiled back. "Still friends, right?"

"You know we are."

Ranma hugged her. "You're still the cute one. And I ain't the only guy in the world. True, it might be hard to find someone as great as me-"

Ukyo laughed against him. "Jackass," she said. They let go of each other slowly. Ukyo wiped at her eyes. "I guess this gets you out of one engagement."

"It gets you outta one, too," Ranma reminded her.

"Yeah." Ukyo stepped towards her door. "I'll see you at school tomorrow, Ok Ranchan?"

"Yeah," Ranma answered. He was glad Ukyo had taken everything so well. He hated to hurt her so badly, but what he'd said was true—she deserved someone who loved her. "Bye, Ucchan."

"See ya, Ranma-hon-…Ranchan."

Ukyo slid the door shut behind her and turned the lock. She wandered slowly to the back of the restaurant and went up the stairs to her apartment, where she curled on her couch. She'd expected herself to cry, but no tears came.

It's strange, but having put it that way, I guess I am out of an engagement, she thought to herself. It wasn't so bad, really. Ukyo wondered if her love for Ranma really had been much deeper than friendship after all. Ever since she came to Nerima, winning Ranma had been a competition between her and his other fiancées. Perhaps she had simply gotten caught up in the race, convincing herself that she did love him that way just because she thought she should.

Hmm. Marrying him really would've been kind of like marrying a brother, Ukyo concluded. After what we were like together as little kids and all…it was always a game. And love wasn't supposed to be a game.

Ukyo stood and went into her bedroom. She opened her closet and pulled out her school uniform—the one for girls, not boys. She remembered the way all the guys had acted when she had first worn it to school—except for Ranma.

_But he's not the only guy out there,_ she thought with a small sigh. _He was right, though—he might be a jackass, but it will be hard to find someone as great as him._

Ukyo hung the uniform back in her closet. Then she went back to the stairs and headed up to the third floor, intending to make sure everything was cleaned up for when she brought Ryoga home. She looked at the empty little room critically. The floor was bare, but she had an extra rug rolled up in one of the closets downstairs, and she was sure she had some spare curtains down there too…

She walked over to one of the windows and looked out at the street below. It was a decent view. Ukyo pushed the window open a few inches—surely Ryoga would be happy to have a window that opened.

Ukyo leaned down and put her elbows on the sill to peer outside without the glass panes in her way. Maybe she'd wear the girls' uniform this week. Maybe on Thursday or Friday…

**Akane stepped off the elevator on the third floor of the Nerima District Hospital.** She walked slowly, searching for the right room number. She noticed that most of the rooms she passed appeared empty, but there was one door up ahead that was open. Akane glanced at the sign displaying the number, and saw it was 332.

Akane peered around the doorjamb into the room and saw a familiar young man sitting on the windowsill opposite, obviously looking outside. She took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

Ryoga started at the sound and turned. A look of dismay passed across his face when he saw Akane standing there, smiling at him.

"Hello, Ryoga."

"A-Akane," Ryoga managed, jumping to his feet nervously. Akane walked inside slowly, glancing around at the room and its contents before settling her gaze on the boy in front of her again. She noticed his apparent discomfort at her presence, but tried to keep her smile in place.

"How are you?" Akane asked him, trying to keep her voice light and cheerful. Ryoga stared at her, looking like a deer caught in the headlights of a car.

"I-I'm f-fine," Ryoga forced out. He looked at the floor, finding it much easier to cope with.

"That's good," Akane told him, feeling a little awkward. She stepped closer, her expression one of concern. "You look a little pale."

Ryoga nodded. "L-listen, Akane, if you want to hit me or something, that's fine, but would you mind if we went outside or something first 'cause I think they'd be real mad if something got broken in here-"

"It's Ok, Ryoga. I'm not going to hit you."

Ryoga blinked twice. "Uh…you're not?"

Akane shook her head. "No."

Ryoga stared at her silently for a moment, then closed his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Akane," he said softly.

Akane smiled at him. "I know. It's Ok."

The Lost Boy shook his head. "No," he told her. "It's not." He gazed at her, his expression pained. "I-I didn't mean to take advantage of you like that, Akane, it wasn't supposed to go so far…but it seemed like you were the only one who cared about me, even if it was only when I was P-chan…I don't blame you if you hate me," he said quietly. He looked down at the floor again.

"I don't," Akane said. "You made a mistake, Ryoga. That's all. Everyone makes them." She walked past him to the window and looked down at the gardens below. "When Ranma first told me that you…he wasn't very specific. And I was angry—very angry. But later, when I found out what happened…I realized I wasn't being fair. I realized that maybe I shouldn't waste time being angry over a single mistake that you never meant to make. Not when time can run out so suddenly." She turned back towards him, her eyes bright. "Despite what you might've done, you've still been one of the best friends I've ever had, Ryoga. No matter what form you were in. You've always been there to defend me and help me." Akane averted her eyes, her expression ashamed. "I'm just sorry I wasn't there for you when you really needed it," she said.

Ryoga swallowed hard. "Akane…it's not your fault. And you've always been a good friend to me, too. No matter what form I was in," he added sadly.

Akane stepped forward and hugged him tightly, wrapping her arms around him. "I'm so glad you're Ok," she told him, fighting back tears. "When Ranma told me how close…"

Ryoga hugged her back carefully, for once not suffering the bittersweet feeling of happiness that was bound to be cut short, the feeling he'd always had when with her before. He felt only the dull ache of loss for something he probably never would have had, and the warmth of having someone hold him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut. "I'm sorry, Akane…"

"I know," Akane whispered back as she hugged him closer, her head on his shoulder. "It's alright, Ryoga. I forgive you…"


	15. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: Ranma ½ is property of Rumiko Takahashi and yadda yadda yadda. Not claiming the characters, just borrowing them, not making any profit off 'em. And no, they don't tip in Japan. I just like my lazy plot devices.

Chapter 14

~ Struggling ~

_Scar tissue that I wish you saw_

_Sarcastic mister know-it-all_

_Close your eyes and I'll kiss you 'cause_

_With the birds I'll share_

_With the birds I'll share this lonely view_

_With the birds I'll share this lonely view_

_With the birds I'll share this lonely view…_

~Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Scar Tissue"

_Out of the island_

_Into the highway_

_Past the places where you might have turned_

_You never did notice_

_But you still hide away…_

~Vertical Horizon, "Everything You Want"

**"This has got to be one of the cutest things I've ever seen," Ukyo noted as she scratched the soft ears of the tiny black piglet nestled in her arms.**

"Yeah, Ryoga, he's the spittin' image of ya," Ranma agreed.

"Oh, shut up."

The three teenagers continued their banter back and forth as they walked along the streets of Tokyo in the warm Friday afternoon sun. Ukyo giggled as the piglet let out a small squeal and wriggled against her grip.

"Hey, Ryoga-sugar, you better hold him. I think he likes you best," Ukyo said as Ryoga reached out to take the proffered little animal.

"Guess he identifies with one of his own—ow!"

Ranma's jibe was cut short as Ukyo bopped down on his head with a fist. "That's about enough outta you, Ranchan. Give him a break already."

"It's alright, Ukyo," Ryoga sighed, knowing nothing short of the end of the world would make Ranma stop his near-incessant teasing. The little black pig in his arms echoed his sigh and stared up at him with adoring eyes as Ryoga absently stroked the animal's head. Shifting slightly, it settled down in the folds of the Lost Boy's shirt, its expression one of contentment.

"I think he likes your shirt the best, too," Ranma commented.

"Glad someone does," Ryoga muttered. After finding out that Ryoga's entire wardrobe was what he had in his backpack, which consisted of (excluding underwear, socks, and bandana) exactly three long-sleeved yellow shirts, a single sleeveless yellow t-shirt, and three pairs of pants-black, blue, and green respectively, Mr. Nakajima had taken it upon himself to send a rather large parcel full of clothes to Ukyo's. As the petite chef had sorted through the piles of red, green, blue, and black clothing, it became obvious that Mr. Nakajima had guessed at Ryoga's sizes—and missed. Despite the Lost Boy's incredible strength, his build, like Ranma's, was rather lean and slender. Though the pants fit tolerably well (once Ryoga folded up the cuffs and put on a belt), the shirts ended up being at least a good two or three sizes too big for him. Ukyo and Ranma had finally just rolled up the long sleeves of a forest green t-shirt for him so they wouldn't keep slipping down over his hands, but that did little to help the fact that a person twice Ryoga's width could fit inside it. The little black pig took full advantage of the excess cloth, snuggling into the depths of the green cotton.

"At least he got you good colors," Ukyo remarked.

"Yeah," Ranma seconded. "Nice to see you in something besides yellow for once. After all, you wearin' yellow is like the Grim Reaper wearin' pink-"

Ranma was cut off once again, this time by Ukyo's combat spatula whizzing past his head and nearly giving his hair a trim.

"Hmph," said Ryoga.

"Bwee!" emitted the piglet, sounding accusatory.

"Alright, alright, already!" Ranma protested. "Jeez. Glad everyone agrees," he muttered. "Hey, you didn't sleep too well, didja? You looked like you were gonna drop in the middle of Lit class today."

"I was a little tired," Ryoga admitted reluctantly. He had to sit next to Ranma in every classroom. Not that he could complain much about that. Far better to sit next to someone he knew than to sit next to any of those strangers. Ryoga shuddered inwardly, recalling the day a week before, his first nightmarish day as a student at Furinkan High. Ryoga had protested to wearing a uniform, and though Ukyo had tried her hardest to convince him, he stubbornly refused to put it on. Finally, Ukyo had decided to just let it go, muttering something about male martial artists and their issues with wearing school uniforms, and gave him an extra book bag she had. Then they'd met Ranma and Akane so they could all walk together. By then, Ryoga had been in a state of complete agitation, knowing that practically everyone at Furinkan would recognize him, not to mention the fact that he'd probably end up hopelessly lost after thirty seconds. Ranma had to assure him repeatedly that he'd stay with him the entire day so Ryoga wouldn't end up in the wrong room or Hiroshima or something. That had calmed him down somewhat, but the effort was wasted once they stepped through the gates to the school. Seeing Ryoga walk in with the others, carrying Ukyo's old knapsack, caused a mass of students to come swarming over to the group, firing questions nonstop.

"Hey, Ranma, isn't that Ryoga? What's he doing here?"

"Ryoga, are you coming to school here? Are you gonna fight with Ranma every day?"

"Yeah, are you going to fight? Where's your umbrella?"

"Hey, can you show us that bandana trick again?"

Ryoga had stood in the midst of it, a look of rapidly-increasing panic on his face. Finally, Ukyo had pulled out her spatula to scare a path through the mob while Ranma grabbed Ryoga and made a run for the school, Akane close at their heels. Once inside, it had taken all of them ten minutes to convince Ryoga to come to class, where once again he'd been practically overrun by curious students. Ukyo threatened them to back off until the teacher had arrived to restore some semblance of order. This had happened rather quickly since the teacher was Miss Hinako, who recognized Ryoga as the boy she had accidentally drained some time ago, when she'd been new to Nerima. Nevertheless, Ryoga had spent most of the day looking as though he'd like to curl up and die on the spot.

"Weren't you going to tie a bandana on it or something?" Ukyo asked, interrupting Ryoga's thoughts as they stopped in front of the Tendo home.

"Yeah, here," Ranma said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out Ryoga's familiar black-and-yellow bandana.

"About time you gave it back to me," Ryoga muttered, handing the piglet to Ranma. The Lost Boy tied the bandana around his head with practiced ease, then tugged at the end of the knot. Ranma and Ukyo both blinked in amazement as he pulled another bandana out from the first one.

"What the heck is with that, anyway?" Ranma asked, trying to avoid being bitten by the wriggling little pig. "I used to think you were just wearing a bunch of those things, but I know there was only one…"

Ryoga shrugged dismissively and tied the bandana carefully around the animal's neck. As soon as he finished, Ranma pushed the piglet back into Ryoga's arms.

"Jeez. Little runt was tryin' to chew my arm off," the pigtailed boy grumbled. "Figures, the one you guys pick out hates me."

"Maybe he can tell you like pork," Ukyo suggested as the three teenagers headed towards the Tendos' front door.

Kasumi opened it before they got there, wearing her usual cheerful smile. "Why, hello everyone! Welcome home, Ranma. Ukyo, you really look darling in that dress, especially for a school uniform. Ryoga, it's good to see you looking so well," the eldest Tendo daughter said sweetly. "Oh, my. What a cute little piglet!" she exclaimed, reaching out to pat the tiny creature on the head. "And it looks just like P-chan." She ushered all of them into the house, then went off to find Akane. Ryoga began to fidget nervously, biting his lower lip with the tip of a fang.

"Shouldn't you give it to her, Ranma? I mean, you're-"

"No way! Every time I try to touch that thing, it tries to bite me!"

"Well maybe if you were nice to him-"

"I've tried bein' nice to it, and it still tries to use me as chew toy!"

"You were holding him too tight!" Ryoga argued.

"Was not!"

"Yes, you were."

"How would you know, P-chan?"

"You just answered your own question, you moron," Ryoga retorted.

"I wasn't—wait, what? I-oh…hey!" Ranma said indignantly.

"What?"

"That was your own fault for movin' around so much every time I picked you up," Ranma accused.

"I don't remember ever asking you to pick me up," Ryoga returned shortly.

"Besides, how could I be holding you too tight when I picked you up by your bandana?"

"I'll tie one around your neck and haul you around, maybe then you'll figure it out-"

Ukyo, having listened to the whole exchange with decreasing patience, reached for her battle spatula. Ranma and Ryoga both recognized the movement, and promptly backed away.

"Ok, ok, we'll stop! See, we're both shuttin' up right now," Ranma said hurriedly.

"I knew you'd understand," Ukyo said amiably.

"What's going on down here?" asked a newly-arrived Akane. She looked at the three of them in confusion: Ukyo, with her combat spatula drawn threateningly; Ranma, hands in front of him forming the familiar anticipatory pain ward; Ryoga standing behind Ranma, looking lost in his oversized shirt and hugging a tiny black piglet to his chest.

"P-chan?" Akane asked in amazement, walking forward to get a better look.

"Um…n-no, not exactly…" Ryoga stammered hesitantly, a soft blush starting to spread over his nose.

Akane blinked, realizing what she'd just said. "Oh…I'm sorry, Ryoga, that was kind of silly-"

"I-it's Ok, Akane," he said hurriedly. Then he remembered the piglet in his arms, and held it out to the girl before him. "Here, um, we g-got him for you…w-we thought you might want a new one…I mean a-another one…" Ryoga tried, now blushing furiously.

"Oh," Akane said, taking the piglet. "That's awfully nice of you…"

Ryoga put a nervous hand to the back of his head. "Um…y-yeah…s-sorry…for starting this whole thing…"

"It's Ok, Ryoga. And thank you, I really like him," she said, giggling as the piglet snuggled against her. "It won't be quite the same, but…"

Ryoga stared at the floor, his expression inching towards one of misery. Finally, Ukyo stepped forward to grab his arm.

"Well, we'd better get going. Glad you like him, Akane," she said brightly, starting to pull Ryoga towards the door. The piglet in Akane's arms let out a dismayed squeal.

"Wait, I think he wants to say good-bye to you!" Akane called, hurrying after them. Ukyo paused and turned to pat the little animal on the head. It let out a pitiful sounding "Bwee!" and strained towards Ryoga.

"Wow, he must really like you," Akane said as he stroked its ears. "You should come to visit him."

"Sure we will, Akane. Take good care of him," Ukyo told her, heading for the door again.

"Oh, are you leaving so soon? Why don't you stay for some tea?" Kasumi asked, intercepting them before they could make it.

"Thanks, Kasumi, but we've really got to run. It was nice seeing you. Bye everyone!" Ukyo said cheerfully, dragging Ryoga through the door. The Lost Boy managed to wave once before being pulled outside.

"That was a little odd," Akane remarked after the departing pair.

"Sure was," Ranma agreed. Then he looked at the little piglet, who was staring at the door with a woebegone expression. "What're you gonna name it?"

"Huh? Oh…I don't know. Should I call him P-chan, too?"

"Whatever," Ranma replied.

**"What was that all about?" Ryoga asked Ukyo as they walked back to the restaurant, having slowed from their breakneck pace a block away from the Tendos'.**

"What was what all about?"

"Why'd you drag me out of there so quick?"

"Because you looked uncomfortable. Besides, we're supposed to open soon, and we need to get ready."

"Oh. Um…are you sure you want me to do this? I mean, I want to help you out and all, but I-I don't want to m-mess up…"

Ukyo rolled her eyes. "Ryoga, you can't possibly mess up. All you have to do is ask the people what they want, and as soon as it's ready you take it over to them. It's not that difficult," she told him for tenth time. It still amazed her that someone who had jumped into fights against twenty armed men without thinking twice about it could get nervous over the idea of waiting tables.

"But what if I get lost-"

"You're not going to get lost," Ukyo retorted. "I led you around the entire place at least a hundred times. You were reciting directions on how to get to any specific point in the building by the time we were done. And I know you haven't forgotten because you were just fine this morning." Ukyo stopped to unlock the door to the restaurant, but paused when she noticed Ryoga's crestfallen expression.

"Look, Sugar," she said, softening her voice. "You'll be fine. And even if you do mess up somehow, it's not going to be the end of the world."

"I—I know, I just don't want to do anything wrong-"

"You won't," Ukyo insisted. "I have plenty of faith in you. I wouldn't have suggested this if I didn't think you could handle it."

Ryoga looked at her uncertainly, and she smiled at him. "C'mon. You'll be fine, you'll see," she told him.

Several hours later, Ukyo pushed the door to the restaurant shut and locked it securely. She turned around and leaned against it, wiping a weary hand across her brow. Ryoga was just finishing sweeping the floor, looking more than a little tired himself. He dumped the contents of the dustpan into the garbage pail behind the counter, then turned to face her. She smiled at him warmly, looking relieved.

"I guess that's what a 'busy night' is like, huh." he said.

Ukyo laughed. "You bet, Sugar. I haven't seen a rush like that in months. I don't know what I would've done without you," she said to him as they went to sit down at the counter.

Ryoga quickly averted his gaze, a faint blush appearing on his cheeks. Ukyo repressed her urge to laugh again, amused by the Lost Boy's immense shyness. But she'd spoken the truth—the night had been very busy, and she knew she would've had her hands full of annoyed customers if Ryoga had been there to help. And he'd done a fantastic job, not messing up a single order.

Apparently, the customers had thought he was doing just fine as well, judging by the large pile of tips he'd pulled from his pockets.

"Here you go," he said, pushing them towards her. Ukyo shook her head.

"No, those are yours to keep, Sugar."

Ryoga blinked at her. "But it's your restaurant, and you did all the cooking," he protested. "You should get at least half of them."

Ukyo shook her head again. "What do I look like, a slave driver? The tips are for the waiter. As the cook and the owner, I get all the profits, remember? Those are yours. You earned them."

Ryoga's brow furrowed slightly. "Are you sure? I mean, it's got to be costing you something to let me stay here…"

Ukyo rolled her eyes. "For Heaven's sake, you don't eat _that_ much. And the rent's the same whether there's one person living here or two. Besides, if for any reason it did get to be too much to handle, Mr. Nakajima said he'd give you money."

"But-"

"Ryoga, stop worrying about it," Ukyo ordered, leaving no room for further argument.

Ryoga winced, as though she'd dealt him a physical blow. "Sorry," he said apologetically.

Ukyo immediately regretted what she'd said when she saw the hurt look on his face. _Damn it, Kuonji, go easy on him! Did you already forget what he's been through?_ she reprimanded herself.

"Don't be sorry," she told him gently. "I'm not mad at you or anything, I just don't want you getting all stressed out over nothing." Wanting to change the subject, she tugged at a scrap of paper lying amidst the money in front of them. "What's this?" she asked, looking at it closely.

Ryoga frowned slightly. "I don't know…I didn't notice that before."

Ukyo's eyes scanned the paper. Then her shoulders began to shake in silent laughter.

The Lost Boy stared at her in confusion. "What…?"

She handed him the paper, watching his face carefully. Ryoga took it and peered at it curiously.

Kimiko, 080-5555-2795.

Ukyo laughed out loud as Ryoga's expression changed from confusion to disbelief to embarrassment. "Looks like you've got yourself a fan, Sugar," she teased. Ryoga blushed again and let the paper drop back to the counter with a groan.

"Is this the first of many occupational hazards?"

Ukyo giggled. "I guess you could put it that way," she told him. "I remember when I first came here. I kept running out of napkins because so many single guys kept writing phone numbers on them, hoping to get lucky."

"Mmnngh," Ryoga replied.

Ukyo tipped her head to one side. "Sure you don't want to call her? Who knows, maybe she's cute. Wouldn't want to disappoint her, would you?" she asked playfully.

"No way!" Ryoga exclaimed. "With my luck, she's probably some eighty-year-old ghoul without any real teeth."

She laughed again, causing Ryoga to almost smile himself. "I don't think you have to worry about that. I didn't see any people that old in here tonight."

"Fortunately, I didn't either," Ryoga agreed. He rubbed at his eyes, looking weary.

Ukyo stood and stretched. "We'd better go to sleep. Half day or not, there's still school tomorrow."

"Yeah," Ryoga said, getting to his feet as well. They climbed the stairs together, Ukyo stopping at the second floor.

"G'night, Sugar," Ukyo said, stifling a yawn.

"Good night, Ukyo," Ryoga returned, continuing up the next flight of stairs.

The tired okonomiyaki chef headed towards her bathroom, intending to take a quick shower and then go to bed. But an hour later, she found herself staring at the ceiling as sleep evaded her. Ukyo tried to clear her head, but she kept seeing a scrap of paper in her mind's eye, one with a name and phone number on it…

"Ugh!" Ukyo growled to herself, turning on her side. _What the heck do I care if some hussy left him her number? It's not like he'd ever call anyway. Not that I'd care if he did,_ she told herself stubbornly. But for some reason, she couldn't stop thinking about the way she'd felt when she'd found the paper. First, she'd been a little jealous—

_I was not jealous! I was just annoyed, that's all._

—then, when Ryoga had assured her that the number was never going to be dialed by him, she'd felt an odd little twinge of…relief?

_Yes, relief,_ Ukyo admitted. _But I was only relieved that there wouldn't be any weird girls calling him or hanging around my restaurant! That's all…_

Ukyo tried to settle down again. Then she sighed heavily.

_Less than a month after breaking off the engagement with Ranma, and I'm already thinking about that jackass Ryoga,_ she berated herself. Talk about being on the rebound. _Besides, why would I want to settle for that directionless, half-brained, no-good, scruffy-looking, violent, neurotic—_

(sweet, bright, kind-hearted, attractive, shy, lonely)

_—jackass?_

Ukyo groaned and pulled the covers over her head. _If that's how you really feel, then why did you team up with him so many times? You could've tried joining forces with Mousse, or Kuno…even Shampoo would've helped break Ranma and Akane up. True, everything wouldn't have worked out as neatly they might have with Ryoga, but after the first plan failed, why didn't I get the picture?_

_Probably because ever since that first little venture you attempted with him, you haven't been able to get him out of your head…_

_No, that's not true!_ she reprimanded herself._ There's no way, Kuonji! Forget it! You'd be better off staying single for life than falling for that umbrella-toting idiot!_

Ukyo squeezed her eyes shut, trying to banish all thoughts of a certain bandana-wearing boy from her mind. But she couldn't keep herself from recalling…the events that took place in the Tunnel of Lost Love…and the way he had tried so hard to smile for her sake…the way his eyes lit up when he did smile…how he'd told her over and over again that it wasn't her fault, and that he wasn't mad at her after their fight…the way he'd looked that first day at the hospital, so sad and yet so perfect at the same time…

_No, no, no! _she thought angrily. _It was bad enough that you fell right into love with Ranma, or thought you did anyway. And you hardly knew him! Childhood friend or not, ten years can change a lot of things, and you went rushing headlong into it anyway. And look how that turned out. Is that what you want to happen again? Latch yourself onto some other guy you hardly know?_

_But you _do_ know him, _she reminded herself. _It's been a long time since we met. With all that running around and plotting, you got to know Ryoga pretty well. If you didn't, would you really have asked him come and stay in the same house as you?_

That point was rapidly becoming a sore one as well. If she didn't care about him so much, then why had she been so afraid at the idea of him being sent away? And why had she insisted that he move in with her? If she hadn't offered him a place to stay, she knew the Tendos almost certainly would have…and if not them, Ukyo doubted that Cologne would have simply stood by and watched as one of her former pupils got dragged off to God-knows-where. Yet she had beaten them all to the punch. Certainly she could tell herself that it had been a result of guilt and sympathy, but she doubted that anyone would believe that for long. She knew she wasn't going to.

Ukyo turned over again, yawning wearily. On top of her own issues, there were Ryoga's. She knew he was trying to cope with a myriad of things right now—his father's death, his depression, giving up Akane, trying to fit back into a more normal way of life—he certainly didn't need to deal with Ukyo's confused feelings as well.

_Except I'm not confused,_ Ukyo thought sadly. _I just don't want to admit that I…_

"Ryoga, you jackass," she murmured as she slipped into sleep.

**Approximately seven feet above Ukyo's head, another Nerima resident was finding it difficult to sleep.**

Ryoga heaved a sigh, pacing back and forth restlessly. He'd barely slept at all since moving in with Ukyo. Virtually everything had been causing him distress—going to school, living in the same building as Ukyo…simply trying to revert back into a semi-normal life was proving difficult for him. He'd been away from anything like it for so long by his lifestyle alone, and the addition of his curse and the other routine madness he'd been exposed to certainly didn't help.

He glanced at his sleeping bag, briefly considering another attempt at actual sleep. But every time he tried to lie down, memories of his most recent nightmare invaded his mind, wrenching all thoughts of sleep away. Ryoga continued to pace, then worried that the sound of his footfalls might be keeping Ukyo awake. He gave in and stretched out on his sleeping bag, though he kept his eyes wide open. He scratched at the scars on his arms, annoyed by itchy feeling of healing skin. Ranma and Ukyo had taken him to Dr. Tofu's a couple of days before to get his stitches removed. The absence of the sutures and bandages was a welcome relief, but Ryoga certainly hadn't enjoyed the confrontation with the doctor. Once more, he'd been asked to explain everything all over again, not to mention having to express gratitude he didn't really feel. He understood that Dr. Tofu was only doing his job, and that he should feel lucky to have his life…but he couldn't. Ryoga's lack of thankfulness made him feel even guiltier than before. It had been bad enough that he'd already caused everyone so much trouble and worry—Ranma, Akane, Ukyo, Kasumi, and even the Amazon trio—and he couldn't even feel grateful to one of the people who'd helped save his life…

Ryoga bit his lip, fighting back tears. Why did Ranma have to come looking for him that night? Why couldn't he have just let him run away and forgotten about him as he usually did? Everything would've been so much easier that way…

Ryoga felt a sudden stinging on the back of his hand. He looked down and realized that he'd been scratching at the skin with his fingernails to the point of drawing blood. Horrified, he ran to the bathroom and washed the wound with warm water, praying that it would heal quickly so as not to be discovered.

_Damn it,_ he thought, furious with himself over what he'd done. _They all think you're insane as it is, don't go and give them more reasons to think that!_

The last thing he needed was to end up back in the damn hospital. Ryoga shuddered as he dried his hand with a towel. Yet as he held a tissue over the abrasion, he couldn't help feeling a sense of…relief. It seemed almost as though he could scrape some of his worries away with his flesh.

Ryoga frowned as the self-made injury continued to sting. The smallest of cuts and abrasions always seemed to hurt the most. But the pain didn't bother him very much…actually, it felt almost…good. Well, not good maybe, but…right. Yes, it seemed right. Right that he should hurt a little on the outside, to balance the hurt on the inside. Right that he should hurt because of all the trouble he'd caused…

_Yes, _Ryoga thought. _Right indeed…_


	16. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 and all the characters pertaining to are property of her majesty of manga, Rumiko Takahashi, secondly belonging to Viz Video, Kitty Films, Fuji, and Shogakukan. That being over, do you think porb should be a word? It's kind of like prob (you know, short for "no problem"), but different! But it could be it's own word…porb… Oh, fine, be that way *tears up submission form for Webster's Collegiate Dictionary*

Chapter 15

~ Falling ~

_So tired that I couldn't even sleep_

_So many secrets I couldn't keep_

_Promised myself I wouldn't weep_

_One more promise I couldn't keep_

_It seems no one can help me now_

_I'm in too deep, there's no way out_

_This time I have really led myself astray…_

~Soul Asylum, "Runaway Train"

_Day is here fading_

_That's when I would say_

_I flirt with suicide_

_Sometimes, kill the pain_

_I can always say_

_"It's gonna be better tomorrow,"_

_Falling away from me_

_Falling away from me…_

~Korn, "Falling Away From Me"

The next evening, Ranma entered the restaurant a little while before it closed. He was greeted by the pleasant scent of okonomiyaki and fragrant tea, accompanied by the bustling sound of many voices engaged in conversation. Ukyo noticed him from her place at the grill and waved cheerily. The pigtailed boy took his usual seat at the counter, watching as Ukyo dexterously flipped two okonomiyaki onto plates. Ryoga appeared at her side as soon as she picked them up.

"Here ya go, Sugar. Table five," Ukyo said, handing the plates to the dark-haired young man. Ryoga wove through the tables towards a couple seated by the door.

Ukyo watched him go, then turned back to Ranma. "So what's up, Ranchan?" she asked, stirring a bowl of batter as she talked.

"Not much," Ranma told her. "Akane decided to try cookin' dinner tonight. I managed to escape before she could mallet me for a comment I made about her cabbage rolls."

"What was wrong with them?" Ukyo asked.

"They were moving," Ranma answered.

Ukyo stared at him for a moment, trying to discern if he was joking or serious. Finally, he cracked a smile and she laughed.

"Had you goin' there for a minute, didn't I?" Ranma said.

"Hey, with Akane's cooking, I'd believe almost anything," Ukyo replied. "But didn't you say she was getting better?"

"She is," Ranma admitted. "She sure as heck ain't you or Kasumi's caliber, but she's reached the 'generally edible' level."

"But you're still hungry," Ukyo stated. Ranma nodded sheepishly.

"Akane figured she'd hafta give it at least a few tries, but she actually did alright the first time, so we ate kinda early…" he explained.

"So what can I get you?" she asked. "The usual?"

"Sounds good to me," Ranma said. He glanced around the restaurant, suddenly noticing that he only heard feminine voices. "Whoa, there's a lotta girls in here," he mused aloud. Aside from a few couples here and there, most of the customers were teenage girls, many of whom he recognized from school. They sat giggling in groups of four or five, tossing their hair often and speaking in hushed, excited voices.

Ukyo looked up from flipping an okonomiyaki with a spatula. "Yeah, I know. Either all the schoolgirls in Nerima suddenly got a craving for okonomiyaki, or they've all taken a massive interest in the new waiter," she said dryly.

"No way," Ranma said. "You mean, you think they all came here just to see Ryoga?"

Ukyo slid an okonomiyaki in front of him. "Is that so hard to believe?" she asked.

"Well, I—I mean he…he's n-never been…" Ranma stammered through his incredulity.

"Much of a lady-killer?" Ukyo finished wryly. "Huh. Guess Akane didn't tell you about the latest word going around in the locker room."

"Nooo," Ranma said slowly. "What's that got to do with anything?"

Ukyo raised an eyebrow at him. "Ryoga's got himself quite a fanclub," she said, a little stiffly.

"What," the pigtailed boy replied, his voice flat with disbelief.

Ukyo seemed unfazed. "Is that so hard to believe?" she said again.

Ranma shook his head in confusion. "But…they've all seen him before! So why would they…"

The pretty chef shrugged. "I guess they were all a little scared of him at first, or…I dunno. After all, they'd only really seen him when he was fighting you or something. But once they found out he's actually the strong, silent type…well, let's just say Ryoga's become Furinkan High's most eligible bachelor."

"Oh, brother," Ranma groaned. "Does he know that?"

"Don't think so," Ukyo replied, sliding another okonomiyaki onto his plate. "I figure it would just make him more self-conscious if someone clued him in."

"Jeez," Ranma said, starting to eat the next okonomiyaki Ukyo gave him.

Ukyo, still feeling slightly irritated by the topic of Ryoga and girls, scowled and looked towards the aforementioned boy. _Huh_, she thought, annoyed. _That goes to show you that the girls around here don't have any taste…_

But Ukyo's sour expression faded as her eyes rested on Ryoga, who was standing next to a table with a middle-aged couple sitting at it. Even though his clothes were too large for him, Ukyo could see the shape of the powerful muscles beneath them—the strong form of his arms and back, his trim waist, the long, lean lines of his legs. As if sensing the gazes directed at him, Ryoga turned, not looking right at them but at something slightly to the side of her and Ranma, his expression one of adorable confusion. The light caught his face at an angle, illuminating the highlights in his night-dark hair and accenting the soft line of his jaw. His eyes were dark but clear, their deep hazel color warmly lit.

Ukyo felt something stir within her as her heartbeat fluttered in her chest. She suddenly wished he would turn his head just a little further, and meet her eyes…

Ranma, upon noticing the chef's starry expression, turned to look at Ryoga. He watched as the boy moved to a table full of giggling girls, who Ranma was certain were from Furinkan. Glancing back at Ukyo for a moment, Ranma noticed that her mouth had tightened into a thin line. Raising an eyebrow, the pigtailed boy went back to observing Ryoga, who was asking the four girls at the table what they'd like.

"Oh, we're just fine," Ranma overheard one of the girls say. She smiled at Ryoga in a way that was probably meant to be disarming. Ryoga looked at them bewilderedly for a moment, then turned to go. He stopped as the girl reached out and grabbed his shirtsleeve.

"What're you-" Ryoga started to ask.

"Don't go," the girl said, tightening her grip on Ryoga's shirt.

Meanwhile, Ukyo still had her eyes settled on the scene unfolding. Ryoga glanced over his shoulder and noticed the longhaired girl's darkening expression.

"Can I get you something, or not?" Ryoga asked, now impatient.

"We don't need a thing, as long as you stay," the girl purred.

Ryoga blushed faintly and tried to free his sleeve from the girl's grasp. "Look, I…I have to go or my boss is going to get mad," he told her.

"So?" the girl said lightly. "Don't worry. If she fires you, I'll give you a job," she told him.

The other girls burst into laughter. Ryoga's face reddened and he looked towards Ukyo again, who was now glaring at him furiously.

"Can you believe that jackass?" she demanded. Ranma glanced at her in surprise.

"Who, Ryoga? He ain't doin' nothin'," the pigtailed boy said.

"Oh really? Then what do you call that?" Ukyo challenged, motioning towards the table where the Lost Boy was standing.

Ranma sensed Ukyo's growing anger. "I'd call that Ryoga tryin' desperately to get away from a group of annoying girls without causin' a huge scene," Ranma reported.

"What are you talking about? He's flirting with them! And he's supposed to be working!"

"Ah, Ucchan," Ranma said carefully, "take a good look at Ryoga's face. Would you call that expression one that could be classified as 'flirting'?"

Ukyo scowled and gazed back at the boy in question. Ryoga was talking to the girl quickly, his voice hushed but agitated. His face was a picture of pure dismay, inching its way towards misery.

"Please let go," Ryoga requested, tugging at his sleeve again. "I have to work."

"You are working," replied the girl, trying to pull him closer to the table.

"That's it," Ukyo said resolutely. She moved from behind the counter and stalked towards the table.

"Uh-oh," the girl sing-songed sarcastically as she saw Ukyo approach. She released her grip on Ryoga's shirt as Ukyo reached his side.

"Is there a problem?" she asked briskly, surveying the group with icy eyes.

"U-Ukyo, I-" Ryoga began.

"Go take a break," she snapped at him. Ryoga flinched and hurried away, his eyes downcast.

Ukyo turned back to the girls. "Did you need anything else?"

The girl who had grabbed Ryoga's shirt narrowed her eyes. "I don't think so."

"Good. Then have a nice night," Ukyo retorted, pivoting on her heel to return to the grill.

"Natives gettin' restless, eh Ryoga?" Ranma asked as the boy drew near.

Ryoga slumped down on the stool next to him. "I guess that's one way of putting it," he said dejectedly.

A moment later, Ukyo noticed the bandana'd boy sitting down beside Ranma. "Ryoga!" she said angrily. "What are you doing? You're supposed to be washing the dishes."

Ryoga jumped to his feet, looking as though Ukyo had just slapped him. "Sorry," he apologized as he rushed past her into the kitchen.

Ranma watched Ryoga go, then frowned at Ukyo. "What'd you do that for?"

"What?" the chef asked, her voice genuinely confused.

"What the heck are you yellin' at him for?" Ranma clarified.

Ukyo blinked at him guilelessly. "Because he was just sitting there," she replied, as though stating the obvious.

Ranma looked at her oddly. "You told him to take a break," he reminded her.

"Huh?" Ukyo said blankly. "Oh, that's right. I did, didn't I?"

Ranma slapped a hand to his forehead. "Yes," he told her.

"Aw, shoot," Ukyo muttered. "He just made me so mad, messing around with those girls-"

"U-cchan," Ranma interrupted, drawing out the name emphatically. "Didn't you see the look on his face? It ain't like Ryoga was enjoyin' having that chick grab his shirt or nothin'."

"But he…I mean, I…" Ukyo stammered. Then realization dawned on her. "I messed up, didn't I?" she asked glumly.

"I hate to say it, but yeah, kinda," Ranma replied.

"Damn," she said, turning to enter the kitchen. She returned a few minutes later, still looking slightly abashed.

"What's wrong?" Ranma asked her.

"Nothing," Ukyo said. "I told him I wasn't really angry at him or anything, but he just said it was Ok and that he was sorry," she sighed. "I hate that…when I do something that upsets him. He doesn't even try to defend himself or anything like he used to, he just says he's sorry and pretends that everything's fine."

"I'll go talk to him," Ranma offered. "And don't worry about it too much, Ucchan. You know how Ryoga is, he takes everything so seriously," he said over his shoulder as he went through the door.

He found Ryoga standing at the sink, surrounded by wisps of steam. Holding a plate in his right hand, the Lost Boy diligently rubbed a soapy sponge against it, not stopping when Ranma joined his side.

"Ryoga? You Ok?" Ranma asked.

"I'm fine," Ryoga replied automatically, moving to rinse the plate under a stream of hot water.

"She's really not mad at you, y'know," Ranma said. "She just got carried away for some reason."

"Mm-hmm," Ryoga acknowledged disinterestedly.

Ranma scowled slightly. "Ryoga…jeez, look at me, would you?"

Faintly exasperated, the other boy finally lifted his head. "What?"

"Are you sure you're alright? You don't look like you've been sleeping too good," Ranma commented.

Ryoga shrugged. "I've never slept that well," he replied noncommittally.

Ranma stared at him. "Well, don't you think you should, y'know, do somethin' about that?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know…tell Dr. Tofu about it or something…" Ranma suggested.

"It doesn't bother me," Ryoga said evasively, going back to cleaning the plates. "It's not a big deal."

Ranma sighed. "Ryoga, c'mon. What's bothering you? You've been acting weird lately."

"Well it's not like things have exactly been normal lately," Ryoga countered, his voice taking a defensive tone.

"I know," Ranma persisted. "But still. Something's gettin' to you. What is it?"

"It's nothing. I'm fine," Ryoga insisted.

The blue-eyed boy looked at him intently. "You know," he said evenly, "I really hate it when you lie."

Ryoga let the sponge he was holding drop into the sink and gripped the edge of the counter with his hands. "Ranma…" he said, his voice unsteady. He paused for a moment. "Just…forget it, alright? Just leave me alone for a while. Please?"

Ranma gazed at him, considering. Ryoga appeared to be on the verge of tears, if the slight trembling of the shoulders and the shaking voice were any clue.

"Alright," Ranma sighed finally, against his better judgment. Ryoga let out a repressed breath, his eyes tightly shut.

Ranma put a hand on his shoulder as he walked past towards the door. "Don't think I'm lettin' this go or nothin'," he said. Then he turned and walked out, leaving Ryoga by himself to stare at the abandoned sponge floating on the surface of the water.

It wasn't until much later, when Ranma was on the dojo roof watching the sun go down, that he realized Ryoga had been washing the plate with his left hand, using his other hand to reach into the soapy water. This wouldn't have bothered him much, except…

Ryoga was right-handed.

**Later in the evening, after the restaurant had been closed and cleaned, Ukyo stood at the foot of the stairs leading up to the third floor.** She still felt bad about what had happened with Ryoga earlier, and had been hoping she could make it up to him.

"Ryoga-honey?" she called, pushing some of her long, chocolate brown hair over her shoulder. A moment later, Ryoga appeared at the top of the stairs.

"Yeah?"

Ukyo hesitated for a moment, feeling a pang of guilt at the nervous reluctance in Ryoga's quiet voice. "There's supposed to be a good movie on TV tonight," she said finally, using her most non-angry, cheerful voice. "Do you want to come watch it with me?"

She saw a flicker of uncertainty in his eyes, as though he wasn't sure how to react. "Ok," he said finally. Ukyo smiled at him as he walked down the stairs.

A few minutes later, Ukyo was sitting cross-legged on the couch in her living room. Ryoga sat on the floor to her left, leaning his back against the overstuffed piece of furniture with his knees tucked up against his chest. Ukyo had told him he could sit on the sofa too, but Ryoga had politely declined, refusing to meet her gaze. At first, Ukyo had wanted to feel offended, but then she realized that it was probably just a result of Ryoga's extensive shyness.

Neither one spoke as soon as the movie began. Ukyo wondered if she should try making conversation during the commercials, but each time she went to speak, she instantly decided against it, feeling nervous and silly. After about an hour, she found herself yawning. The movie was actually rather boring and drawn-out, and Ukyo felt herself losing interest repeatedly. She glanced at Ryoga to see how he was faring, and was startled to find the Lost Boy fast asleep, his head cradled in his arms.

_Aw, he must be really tired,_ Ukyo thought to herself, smiling slightly as she gazed at the slumbering boy. _And he still came down to be with me instead of going to bed…_

Ukyo quietly slid over the cushions so that she was almost directly behind Ryoga. She looked down at him thoughtfully, staring at his night-dark hair as a small, fluttery feeling formed in her chest for the second time that day. Suddenly having the urge to touch it, Ukyo reached down with a hesitant hand to carefully stroke the black locks. They were soft and warm to her touch, and she could smell the fresh scent of his shampoo as she let the silky waves slip over her fingers.

Ryoga stirred slightly, causing Ukyo to jerk her hand away.

_What am I doing?_ she asked herself, feeling her face redden. Praying Ryoga wouldn't notice her blush, Ukyo put a hand on his shoulder and shook gently.

"Ryoga? Wake up, Sugar."

Ryoga opened his eyes slowly, blinking several times at the light. Feeling rather disoriented, he lifted his head.

"Guess the movie wasn't so good after all, huh?" Ukyo asked, smiling.

Realizing what had happened, Ryoga's eyes widened and he flushed with remorse. "Oh…I'm sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep…" he apologized guiltily.

Ukyo shrugged. "Don't worry about it. I was starting to drop off myself." She stretched her arms over her head. "Maybe we oughtta just call it a night."

Ryoga climbed to his feet, still looking somewhat embarrassed. "Maybe you're right," he agreed quietly. "Good night, Ukyo."

"G'night, Sugar," she returned, watching as he hurried down the hall and disappeared up the stairs. After he was gone, Ukyo remained standing there for several long moments. Then she breathed a sigh and turned to go to her own bedroom.

**The following Wednesday, Ranma, Akane, Ryoga, and Ukyo were walking down the street after school. **The past couple of days had been surprisingly uneventful, leaving all of them feeling fairly relaxed and in a good mood.

_Except for Ryoga,_ Ranma noted. _Then again, he ain't never relaxed or in a good mood._

Not that Ryoga had been acting especially bad-tempered or anything. But the Lost Boy had seemed constantly agitated and skittish ever since…well, ever since he'd been in the hospital. Ranma frowned slightly as he glanced at the other boy, who was walking silently between Ukyo and himself. Ranma had noticed dark shadows beneath his eyes more often than not, and Ryoga had developed a tendency to jump nervously at the smallest of sounds, or even when someone said his name.

Ranma had been intending to talk to him about it, but had been having difficulty getting the Lost Boy by himself. Ukyo had been in Ryoga's company almost constantly, and Ranma hadn't been able to find a way to discreetly tell her that he wanted to speak with him alone.

The pigtailed boy's thoughts were interrupted by a sudden, high-pitched shriek.

"CHAAAARLOTTE!"

Ranma immediately jerked his head up to look towards the source of the call. Ryoga jumped, then froze in his tracks, his face going pale. Akane scowled angrily in anticipation, balling her hands into fists. Ukyo simply stared in surprise as a pink blur launched itself at Ryoga, wrapping two arms around his neck.

"My Charlotte!"

"Hello…Azusa," Ryoga managed, casting a my-judgment-cometh-and-right-early look in Ukyo's direction. He tried to dislodge the clinging figure skater's arms from around him.

"Ugh," Ranma muttered, glaring at the petite girl wrapped around his friend. Her frilly pink dress was nauseatingly cute, as was the enormous bow securing her curly, light brown hair.

"Ooohh," Akane growled, a blue battle aura beginning to glow around her.

"Be good Charlotte, and come home with Azusa," the pink-clad girl cajoled, blinking at the blushing Ryoga with her wide and sparkling blue eyes.

Ukyo watched the unfolding scene with rising anger. Ranma glanced at her, startled to see a bright red aura forming around her. Akane did the same, her own aura fading in surprise.

"Ryoga, you jackass, what do you think you're doing?" Ukyo demanded furiously.

Ryoga looked over at her fearfully. "Ukyo…it's not what it looks like…really…" he gasped around Azusa's chokehold.

"Chaaaarlotte," Azusa complained, annoyed that she didn't have the Lost Boy's full attention.

"I. Am. Not. Charlotte."

Azusa giggled wildly and tightened her grip. "Azusa knows, Ryoga," she said in her sugarcoated voice. "But you turn into my Charlotte."

Ryoga grappled with the figure skater's clinging hands. "Azusa…lemme go already…" he said, rapidly losing both his patience and his breath.

"Ryoogaa…" Ukyo warned, reaching for her spatula.

Ryoga looked at her, wide-eyed. "I'm trying to get her off, it's not like I want her hang on me," he protested.

"Azusa, leave him alone!" Akane cried, her own anger returning.

Ryoga finally managed to disengage himself from the girl's grip. Azusa moved towards him again, causing Ryoga to back away hurriedly, his arms raised in front of him to ward her off. Azusa tried to grab on to him, taking hold of his hands.

"Ooh, that's _it! _See if I care! You can let her hang on you all you want, you jackass!" Ukyo shouted. Turning on her heel, the irate girl stalked off.

"Ergh," Ryoga growled, tugging his hands free from Azusa's grasp. "Ukyo…" he said, staring after her.

Ranma started off to follow her. "Ucchan, wait up!"

"Charlotte, come home with Azusa!"

Ryoga turned back to the pouting figure skater. "Sorry, Azusa, I can't go home with you. And don't call me Charlotte," he added. Glancing down the street to where Ranma and Ukyo were standing in front of the restaurant, Ryoga took off after them.

"Chaarlotte! Ryoga!" Azusa wailed.

Ryoga looked at her over his shoulder. "I'll see you later, Azusa, Ok? Bye!" he called, then ran to catch up with the others, Akane by his side.

"I don't believe that girl! Honestly, what a nuisance!" Akane exclaimed.

"I don't believe you," Ukyo snapped, glaring vehemently at Ryoga.

"But I-"

"'But' nothing!" Ukyo cut him off, her voice rising. "Letting that little hussy hang all over you like that! What is wrong with you?"

Ryoga flinched, wincing as though she'd struck him. "I didn't…I didn't want her to…"

Ukyo unlocked the door and yanked it open forcefully. "Just get inside," she ordered.

Ryoga hesitated for a moment, his expression one of dismay and hurt. "I—I'm sorry!" he cried finally, bolting past her through the door and disappearing within.

Ranma and Akane stood staring at Ukyo, shocked and confused.

"Ukyo…" Ranma said slowly, glancing after the vanished Ryoga, "what the heck was that all about?"

"What? You don't expect me to be angry at that jackass after he let that…that…" she sputtered.

Akane furrowed her brow. "Ukyo, didn't Ranma tell you about the whole Martial Arts Figure Skating competition and everything?"

"What has that got to do with anything?" Ukyo demanded.

"Well, it kinda explains why Azusa latches onto Ryoga every time she sees him," Ranma said sardonically.

Ukyo tossed her hair over her shoulder. "So? It's not like he couldn't have gotten her off of him quicker if he'd wanted to," she said indignantly.

"Sure he could've," Ranma agreed "Of course, Azusa woulda gotten broken into a couple of pieces, but hey, life's a risk, right?"

Ukyo scowled at him hotly. "Oh, really?"

"Ukyo, Ranma's right," Akane said. "I don't think Ryoga even likes Azusa, but that doesn't mean he'd want to hurt her."

"Oh, so now I suppose none of this is his fault?" Ukyo challenged.

"Not really," Ranma said. "Azusa's nothin' but a kleptomaniacal little twit, and it ain't Ryoga's fault that she throws herself on him." He sighed heavily. "Look, Ucchan, do you really think Ryoga appreciates having some spooky little chick who kidnapped him once grabbin' onto him like that?"

"He didn't look like he minded that much," Ukyo grumbled.

"Oh, yeah, Ryoga's expression was pure bliss," Ranma said sarcastically. "If you consider someone who looks like they just swallowed a bug as happy, that is."

"Alright, I get the point already," Ukyo relented in exasperation. "I'll tell him I'm sorry, Ok? I didn't mean to yell at him or anything, I just got mad."

"I know," Ranma told her. "It's just that…Ryoga can't deal with stuff like that. He's still all messed up."

"You think so?" Akane asked. "I thought he was doing fine."

Ranma shook his head. "No, he ain't. Haven't you noticed how tired he looks all the time? And he hardly ever talks anymore."

Akane turned to Ukyo. "But…Ryoga sleeps Ok, doesn't he?"

Ukyo bit her lower lip, her expression melting into one of concern. "He almost never sleeps," she said. "I hear him at night, walking back and forth in his room…"

"Really?" Akane asked, sounding surprised.

Ukyo nodded. "He walks quietly, but his room is right above mine. I fall asleep listening to it all the time, and if I wake up in the middle of the night or something, I usually hear it then too."

"Geez, Ucchan, why didn't you say something?" Ranma demanded.

"Because," she said, her voice breaking, "I didn't…I was hoping it would just go away after a while, like he just wasn't used to being here or something. I didn't want to tell anyone, 'cause I thought maybe they'd think something was wrong, and…"

"But Ukyo, we'd never…" Akane began.

"We don't want Ryoga to hafta leave any more than you do, Ucchan," Ranma said. "You can count on it."

"I know," she sighed. "I just…wasn't sure how to do it. I was afraid it was my fault…"

"It ain't your fault," Ranma assured her. "It's no one's fault, not really I don't think. But he can't go on like this. I can't believe those idiots at the hospital didn't do something more to help him."

"Like what?" Akane asked.

Ranma shrugged. "I dunno," he admitted. "But I think maybe we should take him to see Cologne."

"Cologne?" Ukyo questioned, her eyebrows raised.

"Well, yeah," Ranma said. "I mean, Cologne's been around a long time. She's had kids and grandkids, and she was the leader of a whole tribe. She must've dealt with this kind of thing before," he explained. "And she wouldn't let anything bad happen to him, y'know? She wouldn't let him get carted off somewhere, that's for sure."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Akane cautioned. "Cologne isn't exactly the most trustworthy of people."

"Yeah, but with somethin' like this, I think it'd be Ok. She likes Ryoga too much to try any of her tricks with things the way they are now," Ranma told her. "'Sides, Shampoo keeps saying that the Old Ghoul's been wantin' to see him anyway."

"Well, I guess…if you're sure…" Ukyo said tentatively.

"We could drop by the Cat Café tomorrow after school," Akane said.

"But Ranchan, how are we going to convince Ryoga to go?" Ukyo asked.

The pigtailed boy shrugged. "We'll just take him, and if he asks any questions, we'll just tell him that they wanna see him," he said. "They all knew he was in hospital, somehow. The Old Ghoul even sent Shampoo and Mousse to visit him. So I doubt he'd suspect anything weird. Besides, even if we tell just tell him that Cologne wants to talk to him, what's he gonna do? It ain't that big of a deal."

"I guess you're right," Ukyo acquiesced. Then she glanced at the door. "Oh! I better go talk to him now. I'll see you tomorrow, Ok?" She darted inside without waiting for an answer.

Ranma and Akane stared after her for a moment, then started walking home.

"Hey, Ranma?" Akane said suddenly.

"Yeah?"

"Why do you really think Ukyo got so mad at Ryoga? I mean, over Azusa?"

Ranma frowned slightly. "I dunno…huh. Now that you mention it, it is kinda weird. She got mad the other night, too, 'cause some of the customers started actin' up over him."

"That's odd," Akane said. "It's almost like she's…"

"Jealous," they said in unison. Both paused to glance at each other with wide eyes.

"You don't think that maybe…" Ranma wondered.

"Do you think Ukyo could be…" Akane began.

Ranma blinked. "Huh."

"Anything's possible, I guess," Akane said. "Maybe it's a little early to tell for sure…"

"Yeah," Ranma agreed. They spent the rest of the walk in silence, both contemplating this new development.

**On the third floor of Ucchan's, Ryoga walked back and forth restlessly.** He paced to the window and tried to occupy himself by watching the remains of the sunset, but after a moment he turned away with a small hiss of frustration. Ukyo had come and apologized to him earlier, but it hadn't made him feel any better. Biting his lower lip, he raked his hands through his thick black hair, fighting tears.

_I didn't…I didn't mean to make her mad…I didn't mean to…_

Ryoga let out a strangled sob. _Damn it, I didn't mean to! _he shouted silently. He gasped at the horrible feeling in his chest, the feeling like someone was shredding his heart into pieces over and over again. Trembling at the force of the anguish welling within him, Ryoga slipped to his knees and started to cry, muffling the sound of his sobs with his arms.

_Can't, can't…why…why, why, why…_

The dark-eyed boy glanced over to where his pack was lying a few feet away. He still kept everything in there, too afraid to put anything away in case something happened that would make him have to leave. Ryoga tried to fight the temptation to go over to it, to retrieve one of the objects that lay within…

_No…no, I can't do it again…I won't, I won't…I…_

But the pain in him flared agonizingly, the torrent of emotions within him swirling together into a raging maelstrom of despair. Ryoga wanted to scream, but emitted only a tight moan, forced out between his clenched teeth and closed mouth. Keeping one hand over his face, he reached out with his other arm, searching blindly for his pack. Finally managing to catch a strap between his fingers, he pulled it towards him. Gasping, he nearly tore it open in his desperation, his hands delving into it wildly until they encountered what he needed.

Ryoga pulled the knife out and removes the sheath. Staring at the dark silver blade gleaming in the soft light of the room, his ragged breathing slowed. Ranma had returned it to him some time before, issuing a stern warning that he'd take it away again if he or Ukyo suspected anything in the least. Not that Ryoga had intended to use it for anything that would arouse suspicion—well, not at first anyway. He certainly wouldn't give another attempt at what he'd tried to do in the woods. Ryoga would never do such a thing to Ukyo, not while he was in her house. But after the first week or so, the Lost Boy had found himself unable to cope with the expectations placed upon him—school, the restaurant, the people around him…it was too much, too fast; he wasn't ready to deal with any of it yet, not when he was still trying to come to terms with his past. Everywhere he turned, his shortcomings seemed to be flocking around him, mocking him as he made mistake after mistake in his attempt to lead a relatively normal life. Ryoga had had enough difficulty living with himself before, when he could run away from things he could no longer bear to face and hide for awhile, trying to forget. And when he couldn't forget…there had been many a time when he'd held a knife to his throat as he stared dully into his campfire, wondering if wouldn't be easier to end everything instead of risking further pain and shame.

But he'd never gone through with it, not until the month before, when the news of his father's death had been enough to drive Ryoga to take the final step. Ever since, the idea had played in the back of his mind constantly, an unspoken urge to try again, to do it right. It would just be so much simpler that way…

Yet he hadn't given in, not completely. Something caused him to keep holding on, to keep hoping that maybe things would get better. Just maybe…

Ryoga rested the blade on the floor a safe distance from the carpet, freeing his hand to roll back the sleeve of his overly large shirt. He took a moment to examine the underside of his wrist. The marks of the sutures were still visible, dotting around the line of his scar with an almost unsettling precision. Next to that was another, newer scar, still slightly red; and above that, another, then another, still healing…

Ryoga picked up the knife again, gripping the black-and-silver handle tightly in his hand. His sobs had diminished into a few stray tears that trickled slowly down his face. Ryoga laid the blade carefully on his bared wrist, being sure not to apply too much pressure. Taking a final, shaking breath, he drew the knife across, leaving a thin, neat slice. A sense of relief washed over him as the bright blood welled up from the wound and slipped slowly over the side of his arm. Sighing, Ryoga watched a small drop fall down to splash in a neat little circle shining on the floor. Yes, this felt right, this slight stinging pain that he had inflicted on himself. The hurt within him seemed to flow out with the blood, leaving him empty and calm. It would return eventually, he knew, but for now it had abated, the wound on his wrist a small price to pay for the temporary relief. It was wrong, Ryoga knew, but he ignored the little voice in the back of his mind that was screaming,_ no, no! _It felt right, and that was all he cared about right now, it was all he could care about right now, that for the time being, something felt right…

_Right_, Ryoga mused, still staring fixedly at his bleeding wrist._ Right indeed…_


	17. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: Ranma ½ belongs to Rumiko Takahashi. The characters and everything are hers, not mine. I'm just borrowing them for my own twisted, evil purposes…I mean, for this fic ^ ^.

Chapter 16

~ Fading ~

_Backbeat, the word is on the street_

_That the fire in your heart is out_

_I'm sure you've heard it all before_

_But you never really had a doubt_

_I don't believe that anybody_

_Feels the way I do about you now…_

~Oasis, "Wonderwall"

_I really feel_

_That I'm losing_

_My best friend_

_I can't believe_

_This could be_

_The end_

_It looks as though_

_You're letting go…_

~No Doubt, "Don't Speak"

"Come on, Ryoga!"

**Ryoga looked up at the sky over Nerima and noted the thick layer of thunder-blue clouds veiling the sun as the rising breeze hinted at a chance of afternoon rain.** "Um…this isn't the way, is it?" he asked hesitantly.

Ranma rolled his eyes, though he was sure not to let the other boy see. "Huh. Guess you're gettin' a little better, but we passed the way home about three blocks back," he said dryly.

Ryoga scowled slightly at the pigtailed boy walking next to him. Then his expression changed to one of innocent confusion. "But…then, where are we going?"

Akane turned to smile at him cheerfully. "We thought we'd go visit the Cat Café."

"Huh?" Ryoga said bewilderedly. "What for?"

Ranma shrugged casually and flicked his ink-colored pigtail over his shoulder. "'Cause, you haven't seen Shampoo and Mousse in a while."

Ryoga glanced at him skeptically, his dark eyes beginning to reflect a hint of distrust. "What makes you think I want to see them now?"

"Shampoo's been sayin' that she and Mousse have been wantin' to see ya," Ranma stated easily.

"What?" the Lost Boy asked incredulously. "Since when-"

"Oh, come on Sugar. It's just a visit. Where's the harm in that?" Ukyo said.

Ryoga raised an eyebrow and glanced around at his three companions. "All over?" he retorted. "Since when would Mousse be happy to see Ranma, and since when would Shampoo be happy to see you and Akane?"

Ukyo smiled glibly. "But it's not about that, Sugar. It's about them seeing you, not us," she explained.

"What? What's going on here?" Ryoga asked, stopping and looking at the others suspiciously.

Realizing that the original plan of not saying anything and hoping Ryoga wouldn't notice wasn't going to work, Ranma swallowed back a sigh. "Cologne wants to talk to you, too. Ok?"

Apprehension flickered across Ryoga's face to settle restlessly in the depths of his brown-gray eyes. "Cologne?" he asked nervously. He hadn't forgotten the unexpected visit from Shampoo and Mousse when he was in the hospital. Shampoo had mentioned something about her great-grandmother telling them where he was…yet he hadn't seen Cologne, and Ranma and the others hadn't said anything about telling her…

"Yeah," Ranma affirmed wryly. "You know, the Old Ghoul? She's about two feet tall, Chinese, hops around on a stick and looks like a mummy?"

"I know who she is," Ryoga snapped, obviously not amused. "What does she want?"

Ranma blinked at him. "Guess that's what we're gonna find out. 'Sides, is it so hard to believe that she wants to see how you're doin'?"

The Lost Boy glared at him, his dark eyes narrowing. "You could've told me this before…"

"Must've slipped my mind," Ranma said innocently.

"Right," Ryoga drawled, not falling for it at all.

"Oh, just c'mon," Ranma said exasperatedly, taking hold of Ryoga's upper arm in his hand. "Man, can't take you nowhere without you throwin' a fit…"

Ryoga balked, digging his heels into the unyielding cement of the sidewalk and trying to pull away. "But I-" he tried to protest.

"Relax, Sugar. It's not a big deal, is it?" Ukyo asked, slipping her arm through Ryoga's free one. The touch caused the Lost Boy to recoil out of surprise, which only succeeded so far as to have him collide into Ranma. Ryoga started nervously at the contact, then tried to back up in an attempt to distance himself from both of them.

"Ryoga, jeez, quit it!" Ranma said. "It ain't like we're takin' ya to your execution."

This time, the Lost Boy relented, though he appeared decidedly unhappy about the entire situation. His expression developed into a mixture of annoyance at being forced into something and nervousness caused by the fact that Ukyo's arm was still laced through his own. He set his mouth into a straight line, refusing to look at any of his companions as they finished the block-long journey to the Cat Café and went inside.

They'd barely set foot beyond the door before the air was split by a loud "Airen!" An eye-blink later, Shampoo bounded over to wrap her arms around Ranma's neck in an enthusiastic grip.

Ranma detached the Amazon girl's arms from around him, hoping that Akane wouldn't make a scene (or mallet him into lower-earth orbit). Fortunately, Shampoo hardly seemed to notice the blatant disregard of her affections.

"Aiyah. Ranma, you bring Violent Tomboy and Spatula Girl too?" Shampoo observed, ignoring Akane's resulting glare. "Oh, and you bring Directionless Boy!" she exclaimed brightly. "Ryoga, your arms all better now, yes?" the violet-haired girl asked, stepping forward to lift one of the Lost Boy's wrists for examination.

Ryoga jerked away uneasily on reflex, pressing his arm close to his chest. Seeing Shampoo's wondering expression, he averted his gaze. "Yes, they're…better, Shampoo," he told her.

Seeming satisfied with his answer, Shampoo beamed at them cheerfully. "Aiyah, is good! You come see Great-grandmother now, yes? And stupid Mousse, too."

Ryoga blinked and took a small step backwards. "Uhh…" he began tentatively.

"You come," Shampoo said before Ryoga could elaborate further. She grabbed his arm and tugged him towards the rear of the restaurant. "Wait here, I be right back, Ranma!" the Amazon called over her shoulder. She led the Lost Boy through a door and into the back room. "Great-grandmother?" she called.

A moment later, Cologne came hopping out from behind a shelf. "Well, look who's here!" she noted in her slightly rasping voice. The old matriarch pogoed over to where Ryoga and her granddaughter were standing. "It's been awhile, Sonny-boy," she commented as she eyed him up and down critically.

Ryoga shifted uncomfortably, unnerved by the old woman's scrutiny. "Um…yeah, well I haven't really been-"

"Oh, I know exactly where you've been," Cologne said briskly. "Shampoo, go make sure the customers are alright. You know how it can be when Mousse waits the tables."

"Ok, Great-grandma," Shampoo said, slipping out the door. Ryoga watched her go with a slightly dismayed look on his face.

"Don't just stand there, sit down," Cologne ordered. "We've got a lot to talk about now, don't we?"

Ryoga swallowed hard and sank down in one of the chairs surrounding the single table as Cologne hopped around to the other side.

"So," the old Amazon began conversationally, "why don't you tell me what's been going on?"

Ryoga shifted nervously and gripped the edges of the chair with his hands. "Um…well…"

"Why don't you start with that?" Cologne suggested, gesturing towards his wrist.

Ryoga looked down, glad to have a reason not to meet her eyes. "Oh, uh, that?" he managed. "Uh…heh…well, I was k-kinda having a b-bad day…"

Cologne slammed the top of her staff down on the table. It was something she'd done on occasion before, but the suddenness of the movement and the resulting crack caused Ryoga to jump. "Don't try to pull a fast one over me, Sonny-boy. You're looking at someone with three hundred years of life here, and I'm not likely to fall for that."

"…mmh…" Ryoga said, defeated. He knew that being evasive with Cologne was practically useless, but it had seemed worth a try at least.

"Now then," the old Amazon continued, "let's get on with it, shall we?"

Ryoga sighed, then told the story for what seemed like the hundredth time. Cologne listened closely, only stopping him now and again to ask a question. By the time he finished, the bandana'd boy had curled himself up on the chair, hugging his knees to his chest.

"So now we know where all that power for your Shi-shi Hokodan comes from," Cologne said finally. "Been through an awful lot, Sonny-boy."

"And I wouldn't have to go through any more, if Ranma hadn't come to find me," Ryoga said bitterly, forgetting himself.

"You're lucky he did," Cologne said firmly, fixing the Lost Boy with a stern gaze.

"Maybe you think so," Ryoga retorted.

The Amazon matriarch frowned deeply at him. "You've never been one to give up, child," she said gently. "So what makes you think that now would be a good time to start?"

Ryoga scowled. "I don't know, everything?" he replied sardonically. "I just don't see what the point is anymore. I mean, I'm a lousy martial artist, I've got no sense of direction, a stupid incurable curse, and my own parents didn't even want me. Why's is so surprising that I wouldn't want to stick around-"

Ryoga was cut off as Cologne rapped him lightly on the head with her staff. "You give yourself too little credit, Ryoga Hibiki," she said. "You're not half so bad as you make yourself out to be. And you've got your life, which is far more than nothing."

Ryoga accepted her rebuke silently, staring at the floor. Cologne's stern gaze softened as she looked at him. She'd seen many things in her life, but few as sad as the boy sitting before her. Here was a person, young, good, and with so much potential, but who the world had repeatedly beaten down, leaving him despairing and hopeless, unable to see the light in any situation. Fragile emotionally, cast out and overlooked by society, left to sort things out on his own without any help. Cologne sighed, thinking of the tragedy that one so young and promising should end up so damaged.

"It is not too late for you, Ryoga," Cologne said sagely. The bandana'd boy glanced up at her, his eyes weary and sad. "You are young still, and though you've had things rough, it will make you stronger for it in the future. But you must overcome these things. The past is the past; it cannot be changed. The only thing for you to do is to move forward. And despite what you think, you are perfectly capable of doing so."

"How do you figure?" Ryoga asked.

"For one thing, you're here right now," Cologne pointed out. "That stands for something, wouldn't you agree?"

Ryoga dropped his gaze to look down at his left wrist. "I guess you're right," he replied dully.

Deciding that was probably about the best she'd be able to get from him at the present time, Cologne smiled, satisfied. "Good," the old Amazon said approvingly. She looked at the door, which seemed to burst open on sight to admit Ranma, who was busy swatting at an aggravated Mousse.

"Ow! Mousse, quit it!" Ranma snapped, batting at the angry white duck. "Cut it out already, it ain't like I asked Shampoo to-"

"Knock it off, both of you," Cologne ordered, glaring at the two of them. Ranma gave a final shove to the airborne duck, who let out a disgruntled quack and flapped over to perch on Ryoga's head. Then Shampoo came into the room, a pert scowl planted on her face as Ukyo and Akane filed in behind her.

"Mousse, go get yourself some hot water," Cologne said exasperatedly. "Shampoo, go downstairs and bring up the new cases of noodles, would you."

"Is for Mousse to do!" Shampoo protested.

"Take Ryoga with you, and Mousse can come down later," her grandmother conceded.

"Why do I have to—alright, I'm going," Ryoga muttered, urged on by Cologne's sharp look. He slid out of his chair to follow Shampoo. "Mousse, quit quacking in my ear already," the rest heard him say as they vanished around the corner.

Ranma breathed a sigh and closed the door. "Think those two'll be able to keep him busy for awhile?"

"Certainly," Cologne replied. "Shampoo told me what was going on yesterday, just as you asked her to. She'll figure something out."

Ukyo glanced at the door, a slight frown stamping her delicate features. "Are you sure this is a good thing to do? I hate sneaking around behind Ryoga-honey's back like this…"

"What he don't know won't hurt him," Ranma said dismissively. "Besides, this is for his own good, remember?"

"Why don't you tell me your side of the story?" Cologne said, beckoning for them to sit down.

The three teenagers took seats, all appearing uncharacteristically solemn. "What do you need to know?" Ranma asked.

The old Amazon blinked calmly. "Ryoga has already told me the most of it. What I want to know are the things that he isn't telling."

"Such as…?" Ukyo asked.

"How has been acting? How has he changed since this whole thing began?"

"Huh. Well, that's easy," Ranma said, closing his dark blue eyes and tucking his hands behind his head. "He ain't himself anymore. He's quieter, but he's all jumpy at the same time. And he ain't sleeping right."

"Be more specific, Son-in-Law," Cologne prompted him.

Ranma shrugged. "You know how Ryoga is. He used to always be runnin' around yellin' or something. He don't do that anymore—he barely talks. And if I ask him if he's alright, he says he's fine even though I know somethin' is bothering him. He don't wanna fight or spar or nothin', and he always looks tired."

"He spends most of the night awake," Ukyo added. "I hear him sometimes, just walking back and forth. I think he sleeps only when he just drops off out of exhaustion."

"I don't think he's eating right either," Akane said quietly, causing Ranma and Ukyo to turn to her sharply and stare. "I—I noticed that at lunchtime, Ryoga just picks at his food until someone asks him for it. Then he gives it away."

"Why didn't you say somethin' before?" Ranma demanded, a dark look immediately appearing on his face.

Akane shot him a glare. "Because," she said defensively, "I wanted to make sure it was serious. I thought maybe at first he just didn't have much of an appetite or something."

"Why wouldn't he unless it wasn't something serious? I mean, it ain't like you were the one cookin' for him…"

"Ranma…" Akane growled warningly, her brown eyes lighting with anger.

"That's enough, you two," Cologne said.

"Besides, you're the one who sits next to him everyday," Akane quipped, unable to resist a final retort.

"Enough," Cologne repeated. "You can argue later, but Ryoga is our concern right now."

"I don't get it!" Ranma exclaimed in frustration. "What's wrong with him?"

"I wonder why they didn't do anything more for him at the hospital…he should have gotten therapy, or medicine of some sort…" the old Amazon wondered aloud.

"'Cause," Ranma interjected, "he told the doctors and stuff that it was just because of what happened to his dad. He didn't tell them hardly anything, I know he didn't. So instead of being depressed, he had 'em all thinking it was just…I dunno, like it was only temporary, and he'd just reacted bad to the news and it'd never happen again."

"Hmm," Cologne uttered thoughtfully. "Has anything else happened? Anything that suggests there may be trouble?"

Ukyo and Akane glanced at each other, then at Ranma. "I can't think of anything," Ukyo said finally.

"I can," Ranma said suddenly. "I didn't tell you two this before, but…one day when Ryoga was still in the hospital, I had a funny feeling, so I went to see him that morning…it was the same day that you came in, Ucchan, and told him that he was gettin' out soon…"

"So what happened?" Ukyo asked, her brows knitting together with concern.

Ranma sighed heavily and pushed his hair back from his forehead. "I caught him walking out the door, right during the shift change. He was wearin' his normal clothes, and he had a hunting knife in his pocket."

_"What?"_ Ukyo and Akane shrieked in unison, their eyes going wide with disbelief and alarm.

"Oh, for the love of…" Cologne muttered. "Did he give you a reason?"

"Huh," Ranma snorted. "Not 'til after I threw him back inside the room. He wasn't too happy to find me there. He said he thought we were all just usin' him, and that nobody cared about him at all. He thought that everyone was actin' all worried so they wouldn't feel guilty about what happened," he explained.

Cologne gazed at him pensively for a moment. "Is that true?" the ancient matriarch asked finally.

"Of course not!" all three shouted.

Cologne narrowed her eyes thoughtfully. "Are you sure about this?"

"What kind of a question is that?" Akane asked indignantly.

"Yeah, ya old ghoul!"

"A simple one," Cologne retorted. "I don't see why it would bother you, unless-"

"No way!" Ranma cried. He'd shoved his chair back and was standing rigidly, the muscles in his arms taut as he gripped the edge of the table.

"Hmm?" the old Amazon prompted, raising a nonexistent eyebrow.

The pigtailed boy glared at her, his blue eyes stormy. "I know what you're gettin' at," he said defiantly.

"Do you now?" Cologne asked.

"Yeah, I do," Ranma answered. "Maybe you got a point. I ain't gonna pretend that I don't feel guilty, 'cause I do. Why wouldn't I? My friend tried to kill himself, and that means somewhere along the line, I screwed up. I did something wrong. I didn't give him help when he needed it, I acted like a damn jerk and messed with his head instead of doing what I should've. And maybe if I hadn't, this wouldna happened. So yeah, I feel guilty. But that don't mean I don't care," he finished heatedly.

Cologne looked at him for a moment, then smiled approvingly. "That's my Son-in-Law."

"Huh?" Ranma said blankly, his anger vanishing at the unexpected reaction.

Cologne gazed at them intently. "From what I gather, Ryoga is suffering from a severe case of depression. I suspected that he was ill before, given his use of the Shi-shi Hokodan and all, but now his condition is at a point where he is no longer able to control it. Yet in order to help Ryoga sort out his feelings, your own feelings on this matter must be in order. You must be honest with yourselves before you can help him," the old matriarch explained. "And even that may not be enough."

"Not enough?" Ukyo echoed, her cerulean eyes troubled.

Cologne blinked slowly. "Such an illness can be very serious. Ryoga may need something more than what you can give him. It is not that you won't be doing all you can, necessarily, it's just that he may need more."

"You mean, like medicine?" Ranma said inquisitively.

"Yes. Or therapy. Or both," Cologne replied. "It is not something that can be easily cured."

Ranma scowled petulantly. "I just don't get why the stupid idiot didn't ever say nothin' before," he grumbled, slumping back into his chair.

The old Amazon gave him a withering look. "First of all, it would do you good to know that Ryoga is much smarter than you give him credit for. There aren't many fourteen-year-old children who are resourceful and clever enough to survive on their own for three years, especially considering his curse. Just because his social skills and understanding seem limited to you does not mean he cannot think. I assure you, Ryoga passes very few minutes with an idle mind."

Any further conversation was cut off by the sound of commotion in the other room. "Aiyah, stupid Mousse!" Shampoo shrieked from the other side of the door.

"Would you put your glasses on already?" Ryoga snapped.

"But my darling Shampoo, why can't you realize-"

The ensuing loud crash caused Ranma, Ukyo, and Akane to jump.

"Mmmh," Cologne hummed disapprovingly as she hopped over to open the door.

"Ow…"

"Mousse?"

"Hmph. It serve you right."

Cologne swung the door open to reveal an irate Shampoo standing with her arms crossed indignantly over her chest. Next to her was Ryoga, who was staring uncertainly at the disarray on the floor that consisted of Mousse, a frying pan, and several broken cases of ramen noodles.

"Maybe it's time for us to go," Ranma suggested.

**The evening sky over Nerima was clear but for a few wisps of feathery clouds tinted in shades of lavender and gold by the fading sunlight as the day drew to a close.** The air was cool and fresh, and Ranma breathed it in deeply as he gazed up at the painted sky.

"Ryoga?" the pigtailed boy said, turning his head slightly to look at the other boy sitting beside him on the porch of the Tendo home.

"Yeah?" Ryoga acknowledged, his eyes fixed on the sky as he absently stroked the ears of the tiny black piglet seated beside him.

"You Ok, man?" Ranma asked carefully.

"I'm fine," Ryoga answered unthinkingly.

Ranma frowned a little, his sapphire blue eyes darkening a shade. Something about Ryoga had been bothering him for a while. It wasn't just the things that he had discussed with Ukyo, Akane, and Cologne earlier that day, but something more. Though Ryoga seemed to be adapting to the changes in his life—living with Ukyo, going to school, and so on—something about the Lost Boy's entire demeanor had changed. Instead of becoming more social and relaxed around everyone as Ranma had expected—and hoped—Ryoga seemed to be withdrawing further each day, slowly but surely pulling away from those around him.

_It's like he's here, but he's not here, _Ranma thought. _It's like he's fading…_

Feeling Ranma's eyes still on him, Ryoga turned to the other martial artist. "Why do you keep asking me that, anyway?" he said.

Ranma continued to gaze at him intently. "Because…I don't think you're fine," he answered.

Bewilderment, then apprehension flickered in Ryoga's eyes before once again becoming carefully neutral. "What are you talking about? Everything's fine."

"No, it's not," Ranma contradicted him. "I can tell…I can feel it in your aura, and I can see it in your eyes. And I see it in the way you look sometimes, when you think nobody's watching you."

Ryoga's brow furrowed. "Ranma, I-"

"You won't even talk to me anymore," Ranma interrupted, his voice developing an edge.

"I talk to you everyday," Ryoga argued.

"Yeah, but not really," Ranma said. "Not how you used to, anyway."

Ryoga turned from him, his shoulders lowering slightly as though in weariness. "Things have changed," he said softly.

"I know they have," Ranma said. "An' I understand that. But I know that everything ain't fine."

"So what do you want me to do, Ranma?" Ryoga asked heavily, crossing his arms over his chest. The little piglet turned to the other young man, dismayed by the sudden cease of attention.

"Tell me what's bothering you?" Ranma suggested gently. He picked up the piglet and set it on his knee.

"Ryoogaa!" called Ukyo from inside the house. "Where are you, Sugar?"

"I'm right here," Ryoga called back. He pushed himself to his feet and bounded inside, leaving Ranma on the porch.

Ranma remained where he was several moments, gazing after him and scowling at the interruption. Then his mouth set into a firm line.

_You ain't gettin' out of this that easy, pal, _the pigtailed boy vowed._ I'm gonna find out what's goin' on inside that head of yours no matter what it takes…_

_You can count on it._

**The sky overhead had begun to deepen into the soft shades of night, with a spilling of stars appearing against the slowly darkening backdrop as Ukyo and Ryoga walked home.** Around them, the streetlamps began to flicker on one by one, their brightening glow adding a surreal quality to the existing half-light.

"So what were you and Ranma talking about?" Ukyo asked, turning her head to glance at the boy beside her. The illumination from the lamps and sinking twilight outlined his profile softly, accenting his features with a blend of light and shadow. She turned away quickly when she realized she was staring, and pushed some of her hair over her shoulder in a gesture of self-consciousness.

"Nothing," Ryoga murmured absently. He'd been very quiet since they'd left the Tendo home, and had thus far seemed distracted by some invisible element that Ukyo couldn't perceive.

"It must've been something," Ukyo pressed. The expressionless look on the Lost Boy's face was worrisome, and she had a sudden desire to bring him back from whatever corner of his mind that he had gone to. "You guys were outside for a long time."

Realizing that Ukyo wasn't going to let it go, Ryoga pushed his thoughts away for later. He shrugged lightly in response to her query. "It wasn't anything interesting," he said. "I don't really remember, even."

"Oh," Ukyo said, though the carefully flat look in his eyes caused her to believe that he did remember and simply didn't want to tell her. The wind blew suddenly in a sharp, brisk gust, causing them both to shiver. "Aah, that's cold!" Ukyo yelped. She pressed close to Ryoga, grabbing onto his arm and positioning herself so that his body would both shield her and warm her at the same time.

The Lost Boy stared at her, his hazel eyes mixed with surprise and confusion. Not only did he find it strange that Ukyo was holding onto him, but even more so, this was the second time she'd done it in a matter of hours. Ryoga felt a brief moment of hope, but his reason washed it out just as quickly as it appeared. Ukyo had just said that she was cold, and earlier she'd just been making sure he'd go into the Cat Café. No reason to think there was anything more to it than that…

"Ryoga?" Ukyo said, her voice carrying a note of concern at his crestfallen expression. "What's wrong?"

Ryoga turned his head to look at her. His eyes were met by hers, and he found himself gazing into them deeply. They were such a beautiful shade of blue, the color of the sky at twilight, right after the sun has gone down and the first stars are beginning to brighten against it…

Ryoga realized what he was doing with a shock and looked away quickly, hoping that Ukyo wouldn't be able to see the blush he felt spreading on his face. He also noted that somewhere along the line, the two had stopped walking and were simply standing in the middle of the street. "N-nothing's wrong," he stammered, cursing himself inwardly.

_As if she'd ever even…don't be such an idiot. First Akane, now Ukyo? What the hell am I thinking?_

"Are you sure?" Ukyo asked, trying to hide the disappointment she was feeling. For a moment there, when Ryoga had abruptly halted in his tracks and turned to her, she'd thought maybe…maybe that look in his eyes had meant…

"I'm fine, Ukyo," Ryoga assured her, regaining his composure. "I was just…thinking about something, that's all."

"I see," she replied, unable to keep a tone of despondence from her voice. But she didn't let go of his arm. Then they began to walk again, both staring at the street in silence.

**Later, Ryoga paced back and forth in his room, his thoughts rolling over one another in restless waves.**

_Forget it,_ he told himself for the hundredth time. _There's no way Ukyo could possibly think of me as more than a friend, if even that. There's no way she'd…not me. Besides, why should I care anyway? She's just a friend, nothing more, nothing less. I've never thought of her as anything besides that…_

Moving over to the window, he knelt in front of it and pushed the soft curtains aside so he could look out. He slid it open a few inches so that he could feel the night air on his face, then folded his arms on the sill and rested his head atop them.

_Just a friend…_Ryoga insisted, allowing the whispery breeze to ripple through his bangs without bothering to shift his position. He sighed softly, knowing that he couldn't really lie to himself. Just a month ago, he'd been able to do so, viewing the world through eyes veiled in denial. But he couldn't deceive himself anymore…not since Ranma had found the poster, the single little piece of windblown paper that had caused the barriers he'd erected around himself to crumble to dust. Just a month ago, he'd been able to tell himself that it was Akane he loved, and that she was the only person he'd ever love. He'd been able to detest and blame Ranma for all of his troubles and suffering. He'd been able to tell himself that Ukyo meant nothing to him aside from being his sometimes-friend and co-conspirator. Yes, he'd always admired her confidence, especially after discovering she was a girl, and the way she'd been willing to fight him when they'd first met even despite the fact that he was obviously stronger and more skilled than she. Yes, he'd always thought she was pretty, beautiful actually, especially when she tried. But he'd just brushed it off as her being a fellow martial artist whose skill made her worthy of respect, and indeed it was a simple fact that Ukyo was an attractive girl. Certainly a few cracks had appeared in this notion as time went on: Ryoga had developed a liking for her spirited attitude, her slightly cynical sense of humor, and her easygoing personality. And he'd had to admit that the events that happened within the Tunnel of Lost Love were difficult to ignore completely, even to the point that he'd found himself stopping by her restaurant more and more often while he was in Nerima. Yet he'd managed to keep up his internal charade, filling his mind with thoughts of Akane whenever he felt his affection slipping, telling himself little untruths to make the path a little smoother. It was an old trick, one that he'd used a great deal over the years, more out of necessity than anything else.

_But now I can't lie to myself…just everyone else, _Ryoga realized. It wasn't something he was happy about, but he couldn't bring himself to risk the truth. He wished desperately that they'd stop asking the relentless questions that he was continually forced to find an acceptable answer for, especially Ranma.

_Why do I lie to him? _Ryoga wondered. _I hear myself answering him in my mind. But it doesn't come out in what I say…_

The only thing he seemed to be able to say anymore was that he was fine, to insist that there was nothing wrong. Part of it was because he wanted what he was saying to be true—he wanted everything to be fine, to be alright…even though he knew that things were actually far from being so. This didn't bother Ryoga so much—after all, didn't everyone wish for things to be better than they actually were at times? But the other part of his unwillingness to tell was rooted in a far deeper place within, the place where the Lost Boy kept his true fears contained in a small, secret part of himself where he could usually keep them at bay. In this dark corner of the core of his being lurked the fear of what might happen if he were to tell—rejection, betrayal, scorn…the things that would no doubt destroy him once and for all, tearing his soul to shreds and shattering his heart into pieces. Despite everything Ranma had said to him, Ryoga was unable to give himself over to trust. Reason weakened faith, and Ryoga found himself reminded of this repeatedly, especially in the plaguing nightmares he experienced in his rare times of slumber, those terrible dreams that were hauntingly similar to the one he'd had in the hospital, forcing him over and over again to feel the pain inflicted by Ranma's cruel taunts, Ukyo's scornful laughter, and Akane's cold words…

Ryoga felt tears form in his eyes. He wanted to tell…he wanted someone to listen to him, to help him sort out the painful, confusing emotions that were constantly moving through him, to accept him and his faults without judgment or ridicule…someone to tell him that it was alright…

_But why should anyone? It's not alright…nothing is…_

**Outside the Tendo Dojo, Ranma repeatedly slammed his fist into a wooden post wrapped in clothesline, pummeling it with blows strengthened by frustration.**

_Stupid, stupid, stupid!_ the blue-eyed young man said to himself silently, gritting his teeth as he punched his target over and over again. _Why does he gotta be so stubborn? Why won't he tell me what's wrong…_

"Aagh!" Ranma cried, smashing his foot into the post. The wood snapped like a straw under the blow, the top half of it spiraling through the air to land at the far end of the yard. He watched it go, unsurprised to find that the activity had done little to relieve the uneasy knot of tension that had settled in him so many hours ago.

"Huh," Ranma grunted wiping sweat from his brow with the back of his hand. Halfway through the motion, the pigtailed boy stopped and slowly brought his hand down in front of his face, his scowl fading.

Something about the way Ryoga had been doing the dishes in the kitchen the other night... He frowned thoughtfully, remembering the times he'd helped Kasumi do dishes. The Lost Boy was right-handed, just as Ranma was, and Ranma was positive that he'd always used his right hand to wash, and his left hand to hold the plates and cups under the faucet.

_So why would Ryoga be using his left hand to do that when he's right-handed? It was like he didn't wanna get his arm wet or something…_

_And why might that be?_


	18. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: Ranma ½ is property of Rumiko Takahashi, and also Viz, Fuji, Kitty, and Shogakukan. The characters aren't mine, I'm just borrowing them for the story, so don't sue me.

Chapter 17

~ Spiraling ~

_They blazed this trail I dared to run_

_They built this world and I have come_

_I need another, like a brother_

_For a crying shoulder_

_This could be the last time_

_You will stand by my side_

_I can feel my soul_

_It's bleeding…_

~3 Doors Down, "By My Side"

**"Yo, Hiroshi! Wait up!"**

Further down one of the halls of Furinkan High School, Hiroshi paused and waited for Ranma to catch up. "Hey," he greeted easily. "What's up?"

Ranma took a moment to catch his breath. "I need ya to do me a favor," he said.

It had been nearly a week since Ranma and the girls had taken Ryoga to the Cat Café. The pigtailed boy had spent much of the time trying to think of a way to verify his suspicions about Ryoga, but hadn't had much luck. He didn't want to say anything to the Lost Boy about it right off for fear of being wrong, and a false accusation would undoubtedly put even more strain on their already-tenuous relationship. The only other option was to actually look and see, but he doubted that Ryoga was going to give him the opportunity if there really was something wrong.

"A favor?" Hiroshi asked skeptically.

"Yeah," Ranma said. He was a little leery of involving an outside party like Hiroshi in a situation as delicate as this one, but didn't feel as though he had much choice. "In the locker room, for gym. Your locker's pretty close to Ryoga's, right?"

"Yeah," Hiroshi answered. The gym lockers were assigned alphabetically, which put Hiroshi, whose last name started with an I, in the same row as Ryoga, but left Ranma on the other side of the room. "Why?"

"'Cause. When we're in there today, I need you to do somethin'."

"What?"

Ranma glanced around quickly to make sure no one was close enough to overhear. "I need you to take a look at Ryoga when he's changing," he said.

_"What?"_ Hiroshi cried, his tone an odd mixture of disbelief, shock, and horror.

Ranma waved his hands to make him shut up. "Jeez, quit yellin'," he hissed. "I didn't mean it like that, ya moron."

"Well, what _did_ you mean, then?" Hiroshi asked, his expression one of annoyance and suspicion.

Ranma glanced around again. "I need you to take a look at his arms," he explained, keeping his voice low. "His wrists, actually."

"What for?" Hiroshi asked, puzzlement written across his face.

Ranma scowled, growing annoyed by the other boy's questions. "Just take a look, alright?" he said. "I'd do it myself, but it'd look too weird."

"What, and it won't if I do?"

"Not if you're subtle," Ranma growled. "Just glance over at him when he's taking off his shirt and see if there's anything weird about his wrists, Ok?"

Now it was Hiroshi's turn to scowl. "Oh, fine. But I better not get beaten up or something for this, Saotome."

"You won't," Ranma assured him as they entered the gym. "I'll make sure nothin' like that happens."

"My _heeeero,"_ Hiroshi whined in an awful falsetto.

"Ah, shaddup."

**Ukyo knelt on the ground by the wide expanse of playing fields that lay behind the school.** She was supposed to be watching the other girls, who were engaged in a game of softball, but her vision and mind had been wandering elsewhere almost right after they'd come outside.

"Hey, Akane?"

"Yeah?" Akane replied, turning to look at the girl beside her. But Ukyo was staring wistfully across the playing field to where the boys were tossing footballs around on the windswept grass. Akane followed her gaze, and was unsurprised to find that it seemed to be resting on a certain young man whose dark hair was tied back with a spotted yellow bandana.

"You…you like Ranma, don't you?" Ukyo asked hesitantly, keeping her eyes locked in the other direction.

"Huh?" Akane said bewilderedly, unused to hearing such a question come from Ukyo. "What do you mean?"

Ukyo faltered nervously. "You know…do you like him?"

The shorthaired girl shrugged dismissively. "Well, yeah, he's Ok sometimes. When he's not being a total insensitive jerk, that is."

"No…I mean…do you really like him?"

Akane frowned pensively, her delicate brows knitting. "Are you trying to ask me if I love him?" she asked.

Ukyo blushed. "I…guess so," she answered tentatively, biting her lower lip.

Akane blinked uncertainly. It had been a long time since the two had gotten in any sort of spat over their mutual fiancé, and she wasn't eager to break the peace. "Ukyo, is something bothering you?"

The other girl sighed, keeping her dusk-colored eyes downcast. "Kinda," she muttered after a moment.

"You wanna tell me?" Akane offered. Ukyo hesitated, but Akane placed a hand on her shoulder. "It's Ok, Ukyo. We're friends. If something's bothering you, you can tell me. And I won't say anything about it to anyone if you don't want me to."

"You promise?" Ukyo asked.

"Promise," Akane answered firmly, giving the other girl an assuring smile.

Ukyo looked up at her. "Do you think you could answer my question first? About Ranma, I mean?"

Akane scowled and glanced over at the group of boys to settle her eyes on Ranma, who was busy bounding around and keeping a football away from some of the others. "What, that idiotic showoff? You've got to be kidding," she scoffed. She turned back to see Ukyo's disconsolate expression. "Ukyo, why are you asking me this? It's not because-"

"Me and Ranchan broke off the engagement," Ukyo interrupted.

Akane stayed silent for a long moment, her voice having fled while she tried to process this information. "You did?" she asked incredulously. The other girl nodded.

"But…why?"

Ukyo shrugged noncommittally, twirling a lock of chocolate-colored hair between her fingers. "Because it didn't make sense to stay engaged anymore. We're not…we weren't in love with each other."

Akane's eyes widened slightly at this admission, wondering at how only weeks before Ukyo's main focus had remained on how she was going to get Ranma to marry her. "Ok," she said slowly. "But if you broke off the engagement, why do you want to know…"

The other girl gazed across the field again. "I was just wondering …if you knew how to tell if you feel that way about someone…that you love them, I mean," she said. "Really love them. Not just as a friend, and not trying to because you think you have to."

"I…I s-suppose it's just something you know," Akane replied. "I guess it should be easy to tell…though I don't think it really can be. But loving someone…it's supposed to be about giving, not just wanting. And I guess if making the person happy makes you happy, then that has something to do with it, too."

Ukyo dropped her gaze to ground again. "I see," she said softly.

Akane's brow furrowed in concern over her friend's behavior. "Ukyo…is this about Ryoga?"

Ukyo gazed up at her ruefully, a small smile playing about the corners of her mouth. "Is it really that obvious?"

Akane chuckled. "Just because you act the same way towards Ryoga as I do to Ranma sometimes," she answered. "But I don't think anyone else has noticed. Just me and Ranma. And neither one of us would say anything."

"That's a relief, at least," Ukyo laughed quietly. "Um…do you think there's a chance that…"

"Well, he's looking at you right now, if that can be considered a clue," Akane told her.

"What?" Ukyo started, her eyes widening. She began to turn towards the boys' side again, but Akane stopped her.

"Wait!" she whispered loudly. "Don't, or someone might suspect something."

"O-Ok," Ukyo assented, stiffening and looking straight before her instead. "Are you sure he's looking at me and not you?"

Akane gave Ryoga a sidelong glance. "Yup, he's looking at you, alright. He's trying to be inconspicuous, but it's not working. Ooh, now Daisuke just realized what he was doing," Akane continued. Then she giggled. "Poor Ryoga. Now he's blushing. I think Daisuke just called him on it."

"Good to know I'm not the only obvious one," Ukyo remarked. Then the teacher blew the whistle, signaling the end of class, and the two girls ran back towards the school.

**Near the end of the school day, Ranma finally managed to catch a hold of Hiroshi, who had spent most of the day in the company of Daisuke and some others, making it impossible for the pigtailed boy to talk to him seriously.**

"So what'd you find out?" Ranma asked him after stopping the other boy before walking out the door of the main building.

"Huh?" Hiroshi responded blankly. "Find out about what?"

Ranma rolled his eyes in exasperation. His nerves were already beginning to fray over the matter, and this disregard towards a simple single task he'd asked of someone was not helping. "About Ryoga," he said through clenched teeth.

"Oh," Hiroshi said, brightening in understanding. "I couldn't really see anything."

"What?" Ranma asked, annoyance flaring in his tone. Then his eyes narrowed accusingly. "Did ya even look?"

"Yeah, I looked," Hiroshi said defensively. "But he was wearing those bracer thingies on his arms under his shirt. You know, those cloth things that you wear sometimes, when you've got short sleeves on?"

"He had on wristbands?" the pigtailed boy said quizzically.

"I guess that's what you call 'em," Hiroshi replied. "Kinda weird, isn't it? I didn't think you usually guys wore those things when you already had a long-sleeved shirt on."

"We don't," Ranma said flatly, staring ahead at nothing.

**That night, Ukyo stood by her window, watching as the myriad of glowing lights scattered throughout the town blinked on and off, one by one.** She rested her elbow on the sill and sighed, thinking.

_Huh. I thought guys were supposed to be the ones fearing rejection,_ Ukyo mused. _But it's not just that…I don't want to upset him. I don't want him to feel pressured or anything, just because he's living here._

Ukyo shifted her eyes up to the sky, a dull throb of longing settling within her. _Oh, Ryoga…I just wish... Even if you were looking at me, how am I supposed to tell if that means you…_

She tossed her long brown hair over her shoulder and turned away from the window. Picking up her brush from the nightstand, she drew it slowly through the soft dark strands. After a few moments, she paused in mid-motion to listen.

That's odd, she thought, frowning slightly at what she heard.

Silence.

For once, there were no soft footfalls coming from above her head, no telltale sounds of someone pacing back and forth in Ryoga's room. Ukyo glanced at the clock. It was still much too early for Ryoga to be asleep; the Lost Boy didn't usually drop off until the small hours of the morning...

Ukyo stepped out into the hall and walked to the staircase leading up to the third floor. She ascended them silently, just in case Ryoga actually was sleeping. But the door to his room was wide open, and the room itself was empty.

"Ryoga?" she called softly, wondering where he'd gone. Then she noticed the window was open, the curtains billowing gently in the breeze. Ukyo padded over and glanced down at the lamp-lit street below.

_He didn't go down there, did he? _she wondered, glancing at the fire escape. _That doesn't make any sense. But if he didn't go down there, then where is he? The only other place to go would be up…_

Ukyo reached out the window and grasped a rung of the metal ladder that led up to the roof as well as down to the ground. Making sure she had a good grip, she swung herself outside easily and climbed the short distance to the rooftop. She'd been out here several times before—roofs always seemed to be a good thinking spot. Glancing around, she quickly spotted Ryoga sitting a few feet away. The Lost Boy didn't seem to notice Ukyo's arrival, so intent was he on looking up at the starry sky. His arms rested on his knees as he kept his face tipped upwards to gaze at the vast dome overhead, his expression uncommonly relaxed and serene.

Ukyo stood silently for a long moment, simply watching him watch the sky and contemplating how the crescent moon's light rendered his features. It reminded her of how he'd looked in the hospital that first day—perfect in an imperfect way, almost ethereal in his appearance. Angelic, even. But this time, he somehow seemed even more so, and she realized that the setting seemed far more right here, outside in the night where he belonged…

Finally, Ukyo shook herself from her reverie and walked over to where Ryoga was sitting, her bare feet soundless on the shingles. "Ryoga-honey?" she said quietly, kneeling down beside him. "What're you doing up here?"

Ryoga pulled his gaze from the sky to look at the girl next to him, seemingly unalarmed and unperturbed by her presence. "Nothing, really," he replied. "Just thinking."

"I used to come up here and do that sometimes, too," Ukyo told him, feeling suddenly shy. "I guess I've forgotten how nice the view is."

"Yeah," he agreed as they both returned to the sky. "That was one of things that really bothered me about being in the hospital. I couldn't see the stars…"

Ukyo nodded understandingly, and Ryoga continued.

"I'm so used to being able to see them…whenever I was on the road, I always loved being able to lie down underneath them. They're so far away, but it seems like they're still close, you know? You can see them, even though you can't see other things that are far away, like your friends and family, the things that you miss."

Ukyo blinked, astonished at Ryoga's talkative mood. "It must've been hard for you," she said, recovering her composure quickly. "To be away from everything and everyone you cared about."

Ryoga nodded. "It was…but I found ways to make it better. I-I used to look up at the sky at night," he explained quietly, "and I'd pick out a star for everyone, th-that I cared about. Like that one up there, close to the moon," he said haltingly, pointing so Ukyo could see. "That's the one I picked for my mother. And the one on the other side is for my father. Then the big one over there is for Akane…and the little one next to that is Kasumi's…and the blue one there is for Ranma-"

"For Ranma?" Ukyo interrupted in bewilderment.

Ryoga blushed, the mild coloring visible even by moonlight. "Yeah," he admitted, sounding rather sheepish. "It's strange…when I was traveling, I even started missing the things I didn't really like."

"I see," Ukyo acquiesced with a knowing smile. "Did you pick any more?"

"Yeah," Ryoga replied. "I…added to it as I went along. Those two little ones up there near Ranma's…the reddish one is for Shampoo, and the white one is for Mousse. And the one right there, underneath-"

"The bright one?" Ukyo asked.

"R-right," Ryoga stammered. Ukyo glanced at him from the corner of her eye and noticed his blush was intensifying. He took a breath. "Th-that one…I p-picked it f-for you," he managed, his voice nearly a whisper.

"Re…really?" Ukyo asked, feeling a mix of shock and warmth spread through her. Ryoga nodded shyly, keeping his eyes downcast.

"That way…it's kind of like having a little bit of everyone there with you…even though they might be far away, like the stars are, they're still close…"

Ukyo continued to stare at him for a moment. "That's…that's beautiful," she breathed, her eyes shining with awe.

"You…you think so?" the Lost Boy asked, his soft voice sounding startled at the compliment.

"Yes," Ukyo said. "I…I was so homesick when I first left to come here…I don't know what I would've done if telephones hadn't been invented. I missed my family so much, I called home practically every day…" She trailed off, worried that her talk of family and home would upset him.

"You still miss them, don't you?" Ryoga asked.

"Yes," Ukyo replied. "But it's not so bad anymore. I still talk to them a lot, and Mom loves to send letters and stuff. They've come to visit a few times since I moved here, too. And…now I've got you to keep me company," she added, feeling a blush of her own starting to form.

Ryoga blinked, then turned to look at her, his expression mildly astonished. Ukyo continued to look at him, trying not to falter in her nervousness. Her blue eyes gazed into his dark hazel ones, which in turn gazed back, allowing Ukyo to take in every detail, each fleck of warm brown, slate gray, and moss green existing within their depths, while Ryoga once again wondered at the amazing twilight color of her own.

Time seemed to stand still as the two locked gazes, both entranced by the eyes of the other. Neither one seemed to feel themselves move, yet their faces were nearly touching as they exchanged breaths. Finally both closed their eyes, leaning forward to seal away the small distance between them…

"My Ukyo! Noooo!"

The startled couple jerked away from each other, yanked out of the spell by the interruptive cry.

"Die, Ryoga Hibiki!" Tsubasa shouted, throwing his chimney-disguised body towards the surprised pair. Without batting an eyelash, Ryoga threw his leg up in a kick, which connected with Tsubasa's face in midair as Ukyo smashed her elbow down on top of the cross-dressing costumer's head.

"Tsubasa…" Ukyo growled lowly. "I've told you a thousand times to…" she said, pulling back her arm, "BUG OFF!"

With that, the angered girl punted Tsubasa away. Ryoga watched calmly as the little transvestite soared through the air, arcing towards some buildings several blocks away. "That must've hurt," he observed with a sympathetic wince as the dot that was Tsubasa crashed into a skyscraper with a puff of dust.

"Honestly," Ukyo said, still furious at the unwelcome interruption. She'd been so close… "He's such a pain. I've told him no over and over again, but he just won't get the picture."

"Azusa's kind of the same way," Ryoga said, though secretly, he was a little relieved that Tsubasa had interfered. Ryoga knew he'd nearly taken a step into uncharted territory, which in his mind was not necessarily a good thing.

"Yeah, but you're nice to her," Ukyo complained, her pretty features contorted petulantly. "So it makes sense that she keeps trying."

"I'm not that nice to her," Ryoga sighed. "But I can't be downright mean to her for some reason. I feel bad for her, I guess."

Ukyo looked at him, puzzled. "Why? Azusa's practically crazy. And she's already set for life. Her family's rich, and she's a champion figure skater."

"I know," Ryoga said. "But I think she's lonely. Skating must take up a lot of her time, and I bet none of the girls at her school like her because all the guys are too busy chasing after Azusa to notice any of them. And she can't be friends with any of the guys because they're all just obsessed with her. Her only real friend is Mikado, and he's a complete pervert," he explained. "I mean, I don't like her chasing me around the way she does, but it seems wrong to just…"

Ukyo listened to Ryoga silently, now understanding his actions with Azusa a couple weeks before. She glanced in the direction that Tsubasa had gone, suddenly regretting what she'd done. "I know what you mean," she agreed. "Tsubasa is actually a pretty nice person and all, it's just that I get tired of having him follow me around and ambushing people all the time."

Ryoga smiled a sad, wan smile, thinking of Akane and Ranma. "I guess it just takes some people longer to accept 'no' for an answer."

"Yeah," Ukyo said, gazing wonderingly at Ryoga's subdued expression. Then she saw him shiver slightly, and realized how cold it is out on the roof. She was wearing thick pajamas, but Ryoga was dressed only in thin pants and a cotton shirt.

"C'mon, Sugar, you look cold," she said, pulling him over to the ladder. "Don't want you getting sick."

**After coming back inside and exchanging goodnights with Ryoga, Ukyo walked down the stairs to her apartment. **_Did we really almost…_she wondered, sitting down on her bed and feeling rather dazed now that the anger at Tsubasa had faded. She raised her fingers to her lips.

_I don't…I don't believe it, _she thought. _Maybe…maybe Ryoga does feel the same way…_

Ukyo stood slowly, a mixture of excitement, hope, and uncertainty flitting about in her chest. She went to the window and pushed it open. Gripping the sill, she leaned out a ways and looked up at the sky, her eyes landing on a certain bright star.

_My star…_

**Outside the Tendo Dojo, a young man sat on a rock in the moonlight, staring into the depths of the small decorative pond as the light wind whispered through the grass and trees.**

Ranma sighed heavily and lay down on his side. Being sure not to get wet enough to activate his curse, he trailed his fingertips over the surface of the water, causing the brightly-colored koi to swim up for a closer look. As he watched the red and gold fish, now made silvery by the light of the moon, Ranma thought of Ryoga. He'd seen the Lost Boy do the same thing once, during one of his quieter moments in Ranma's presence; drawing his fingers across the water so the koi would swim up to the surface to touch them…

_Ryoga…what's wrong with you? And why, why won't you tell me?_

_Because he doesn't want you to know, _answered a small voice in the back of his head.

Ranma pulled his hand away from the pond, wondering about Ryoga and thinking of how things were before all this had happened, while the stars made the water shimmer with diamonds, the moon a silver piece of glass.

**In his room, Ryoga lay back on his sleeping bag, his arms folded protectively over his chest.**

_What the hell am I doing?_ he asked himself. _You know you haven't got a chance…_

He hadn't intended to talk so much, not to Ukyo, not about the things he had. Ryoga felt nervousness and dread rising within him, causing him to sit up and curl into what had become his trademark position of insecurity and self-consciousness.

_I can't do this, _he thought dismally._ I can't fall in love again…_ Ryoga hugged himself tighter and sighed heavily. It seemed a little late for that.

_So now what do I do?_ he wondered.

_Give up, _he answered himself._ Save yourself the heartache. You know that's how this will end anyway. She doesn't love you, she can't, she won't, and nothing's going to change that…_

He squeezed his eyes shut, the anxiety and pain within his chest beginning to flow through the rest of him, soon replaced by a familiar icy numbness that settled in and left him horribly empty, but still fearful that eventually, he might not be able to feel anything at all…

Ryoga glanced at where his pack was leaning against the wall, warring against the feelings within him. Then he sat up slowly, already pulling back his sleeve.


	19. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: Ranma ½ is property of Rumiko Takahashi. The characters are hers, not mine. I'm just borrowing them, but not to make money. Just for the fic. Which is online, where anyone can see it for free. No suing!

Chapter 18

~ Running ~

_We didn't make it_

_We did not pull through_

_You shouldn't blame me_

_I don't blame you_

_What else did you think_

_That I would do?_

_As if it wasn't hard enough_

_I'm so tired of waking up feeling bad_

_You haven't been the kind of place I have_

_It couldn't hurt you now to let this pass_

_As if it wasn't hard enough_

_You wanna make it so much harder_

_Now in another world_

_I could learn to forget_

_But 'til then I'm here_

_Making room for new regrets…_

~The Wallflowers, "Some Flowers Bloom Dead"

_Run to the water_

_And find me there_

_Burnt to the core, but not broken_

_Cut through the madness_

_Of these streets below the moon_

_These streets below the moon…_

~Live, "Run to the Water"

**Ranma was silent as the usual foursome walked home from school.** Ukyo and Akane were talking about something, leaving the pigtailed boy out of the conversation as he made his way along the top of the fence. Ryoga seemed to be half-listening to the girls' discussion, or at least enough to give an acceptable, usually monosyllabic, reply when Akane or Ukyo asked him a question. Other than that, the Lost Boy was as quiet and thoughtful as Ranma himself.

From his vantage point above his three companions, Ranma's gaze flicked repeatedly to Ryoga, his expression one of rapt scrutiny, as though he was trying to see right into him. Largely unnoticed by the others, Ranma had been doing the same thing every day for the past week, too obsessed with the thought of what Hiroshi had seen to let it go.

_What's the story, P-chan? Yen for your thoughts._

Feeling eyes upon him, Ryoga turned his head to look at the young man on the fence, his expression confused. He knew that the pigtailed boy had developed a tendency to keep an eye on him, but after a week of being studied intently, Ryoga was beginning to feel as though he was under a microscope. He gazed back at Ranma, locking eyes for several moments.

Finally unnerved by the piercing, blue-eyed stare, Ryoga paused in his tracks.

"Wh-what?" he asked bewilderedly. Alerted by Ryoga's voice, Akane and Ukyo fell silent and turned their attention to the two boys.

Ranma finally turned his head and closed his eyes. "Nothin'," he replied tersely, jumping off the fence to land easily beside the other boy.

Ryoga took an unconscious step backwards "Why're you acting so weird?" he asked, his tone tinged with suspicion and nervousness.

"Maybe it's a full moon tonight," Ranma answered.

**Later that day, Ryoga stood in front of the sink, washing dishes.** Through the curtain that served as a kitchen door came the sounds of the restaurant: the low chatter of the customers, the clink of plates and cups, the sizzle of the hot grill, all broken occasionally by the almost melodic notes of Ukyo's voice.

Ryoga tried to relax, letting himself get lost in the blend of mild noise from the other room as he circled the sponge over plate after plate. But his body refused to obey, his muscles remaining tight and drawn, the resulting effect leaving him feeling like a coiled spring. Ranma's constant, silent observation had left him decidedly uneasy, a feeling that did not mix well with Ryoga's already-disarrayed thoughts about Ukyo...and there were always the nightmares to provide a deep undercurrent of fear.

Ryoga shuddered involuntarily as he moved to rinse the plate, not wanting to think about the dreams. Distracted by his thoughts, he forgot to keep his left wrist from getting wet. The stream of hot water soaked through the fabric of his shirt and wristband, making contact with the damaged skin beneath. Unprepared for the surge of stinging pain that followed, Ryoga jerked his hand away reflexively, the motion causing him to lose his grip on the wet plate he was holding. Before he could catch it, the dish slipped from his grasp and bounced off the edge of the sink to the floor, where it shattered with a crash.

In the other room, Ukyo heard the sound of breaking china. "What the…" she muttered to herself, pushing aside the curtain to reveal Ryoga kneeling on the floor and trying to gather up the scattered shards of what had been a plate a few moments ago. "Ryoga-honey? What happened?"

The Lost Boy glanced up at her with wide, nervous eyes. "S-sorry, Ukyo," he stammered fretfully. "I-I slipped, I-I'll pay for a n-new one, I swear…"

Ukyo raised an eyebrow, wondering why he was getting so upset. "Relax, Sugar, it's just a plate," she said. "Don't worry about it. Just be careful you don't cut yourself."

To her surprise, Ryoga blanched visibly, his face draining of all color. "C-c-cut m-myself?"

Ukyo blinked at him, unprepared for such a reaction. "The pieces. The edges are sharp."

Ryoga stared at her blankly for a moment, then remembered to breathe. "O-oh…" he said. "Ok-k..."

Ukyo spent a moment debating if she should pursue the cause of Ryoga's odd behavior, but decided that an inquiry would just make him an even more nervous bundle of nerves.

Ryoga dimly listened to Ukyo say something else as she turned to go, but he didn't really hear. He waited for her to leave, then let out a shuddering breath as a tremor of repressed fear rippled through his body, causing the broken pieces he was holding to fall back to the floor. Ryoga looked at them for a moment, then moved to collect them once again. But as he went to throw them away, he noticed that some of the pieces were smeared with red.

Ryoga glanced down at his hands.

_Well, look at that,_ he thought dully, staring at the blood leaking from the small gashes on his fingertips.

**Ranma absently tapped his fingers against the warm shingles as he gazed over the yard from his perch on the dojo roof.**

_How am I gonna do this?_ he wondered yet again. He scowled slightly, his dark blue eyes growing bright. He'd spent most of the afternoon up here, trying to figure out how he'd be able to find out for sure what Ryoga had been up to.

And what he'd do when he did find out.

Ranma heaved a sigh, leaning back against the slowly cooling rooftop as the sun readied itself for its descent below the western horizon, and wished things didn't have to be so damn complicated.

Of course, when it came to something involving Ryoga, when was it not complicated?

"Stupid jerk," Ranma muttered to himself, though he couldn't honestly be angry with him. Not after what the Lost Boy had told him…and not after the part Ranma had played in making things so.

The pigtailed martial artist took a deep breath, trying to dispel the uneasy feeling that was stirring within him. At first, he'd assumed it was just anxiety caused by the situation at hand, but its lingering presence suggested that it might be something more deeply rooted than that. It was heavier, more substantial, like the tense yet deceptive calm before a storm…

_A storm…?_

_I had a dream about a storm once…_

_…losing…_

"Damn it," Ranma swore vehemently, shoving himself to his feet. He was tired of the wondering and the frustration and the uncertainty, tired of not knowing what was happening and why, tired of not having control…

Tomorrow.

He would not put this off any longer.

**The afternoon of the following day was pleasantly warm and sunny, and the walk home from school was decidedly peaceful…until they reached the corner where the couples normally parted**. Once there, Ranma gave Akane a sidelong glance, to which she responded by giving a small nod. Without further ado, Ranma reached over to pull Ryoga's book bag out of his hand and tossed it to Ukyo, who caught it with a look of startled surprise.

"Hey, Ucchan," Ranma said, leaving no time for her or Ryoga to ask questions, "I gotta talk to Ryoga, Ok?"

"Huh?" Ukyo said bewilderedly, clutching the schoolbag to her chest. Akane elbowed her, coupling the action with a meaningful look, and Ukyo shrugged. "Um…Ok, Ranchan."

Ranma tugged off his own knapsack and tossed it to Akane, who caught it easily.

Ryoga glanced back and forth between the three of them, finally settling a wary gaze on the other young man.

"Come on, Ukyo," Akane said, turning to head in the direction of the restaurant. The other girl raised an eyebrow questioningly, but followed her anyway, leaving the two boys standing there.

"Ranma, why're you-" Ryoga started to ask.

"You're comin' with me," Ranma told him.

Something in the pigtailed boy's eyes let Ryoga know that whatever it was that Ranma wanted to talk about, it wasn't likely to be a pleasant conversation. "Not 'til you tell me why," he said guardedly.

"What, I ain't allowed to talk to you anymore? It's just a friendly chat, " Ranma stated calmly, not liking the distrust he could already see rising in the Lost Boy's dark eyes. "Come on."

Ryoga hesitated, trying to figure out what Ranma's intentions were. He glanced down the street the way Ukyo and Akane had gone, obviously debating with himself.

Ranma frowned slightly, though he was inwardly dismayed by Ryoga's hesitation. The possibility that nothing was really wrong had existed until this point. Now he knew that possibility was gone. Years, and especially the last few months, of keeping company with Ryoga had made it easy for Ranma to recognize the meaning behind much of Ryoga's expressions and body language, and the bandana'd boy's current reluctance over the upcoming conversation spoke to Ranma more plainly than if Ryoga had voiced his thoughts aloud.

_He's hiding something,_ Ranma thought._ He wouldn't be nervous about talking to me if he didn't think I was going to confront him. And he wouldn't be worried about a confrontation if he had nothing to hide…_

Ryoga fidgeted nervously. "Then why didn't you just-"

"You think Akane and Ukyo would want to listen to two guys talk? Gimme a break. They're girls."

"You don't usually seem worried about that," Ryoga pointed out.

Ranma rolled his eyes, trying to keep up the façade of casual flippancy. "So I wanna talk to you alone for once. Is that a crime? Now c'mon."

Ryoga sighed in resignation and fell in step with the other martial artist, trying to quell the anxiety he felt stirring within him as they neared the Tendo dojo. Once there, Ranma led him through the side door instead of going through the house, an act that only added to the Lost Boy's apprehension. Determined not to let it show, Ryoga carefully faced himself away from Ranma, his arms crossed over his chest.

"So what is it?" he asked.

"Why don't you tell me," Ranma retorted quietly.

"Tell you what?" Ryoga said, his voice rising in exasperation.

Ranma didn't answer, but moved over to where the Lost Boy was standing. Ryoga turned slightly to watch him and took a faltering step backwards at his approach. "What's with you?" he asked edgily, his trademark scowl settling on his features. "You've been acting weird all week, so why don't you just-"

"Alright," Ranma interrupted sharply. "You wanna cut to the chase, fine with me."

Ryoga fell silent, staring at him with perplexed hazel eyes.

"What's wrong with your arm?"

Ryoga's eyes widened, dismay welling in their dark depths as Ranma's words sank in. His arms dropped as his insides went chill, as though his veins had suddenly been filled with ice water.

_He knows! How? How did he find out?_

"Th-there's n-nothing…" Ryoga finally managed, but the look in Ranma's sapphire eyes told him that the pigtailed boy already knew beyond any chance of convincing. Cold despair rose in him, forcing hopeless tears to his eyes.

Ranma felt his heart sink at Ryoga's reaction. He bit back a sigh, trying not to let his distress show so plainly as he stepped forward. "Let me see," he said gently.

Ryoga shook his head and pressed his arm close against his chest, his eyes taking on a slightly wild light. "N-no," he said. "Don't. It's fine, it'll be fine if you just d-don't…" But Ranma stepped forward determinedly, and a moment later Ryoga felt the wall at his back. This was the end. If it hadn't come to this, if Ranma had only let it pass, he might've been able to hold it together…but now it was too late…

"Damn," Ryoga choked, slipping down to his knees and covering his face with his hand.

Ranma watched despondently as Ryoga's shoulders began to tremble. _Damn is right, pal, _he thought, swallowing down the tightness in his throat. Taking a deep breath, Ranma knelt in front of him. "Ryoga, let me see," he repeated, more insistently this time. He reached out to tentatively grasp the Lost Boy's left arm and drew it towards him. "It's this one, isn't it?" he asked.

Ryoga nodded mutely. Ranma bit his lower lip for a moment, then slowly tugged back the sleeve to expose the black band under it. Steeling himself against what he might see, Ranma carefully pulled the cloth away to reveal what lay beneath.

At least a dozen wounds marred the underside of Ryoga's wrist. Beginning just below the stitch marks of the cut that had nearly cost him his life, a number of lesser gashes laced their way up the Lost Boy's arm, bright red ones criss-crossing over the half-healed marks of older slices like a nightmarish spider web. The flesh around them was raised in angry welts, some of the cuts still dark with dried blood, the wounds deliberate and accusing.

"God, Ryoga," Ranma breathed, squeezing his eyes shut. "What did you do to yourself?" He released Ryoga's hand, only to take him by the shoulders so the other boy was forced to look at him.

"I-I didn't mean to," Ryoga said, his voice nearly a gasp.

"Why?" Ranma asked. His thoughts were whirling, he didn't understand how this had happened, it made no sense... "Ryoga, why?"

Ryoga shook his head miserably. "I couldn't help it," he said. "I tried to stop, really, I didn't want to do it…"

Ranma gazed at him, his expression one of incomprehension and shock. Finally, he stood, trying desperately to think as he raked a hand through his heavy black bangs. This was bad, very bad, and it had obviously been going on for some time. Evidently, it had been worsening as it continued as well…and what did it mean? The danger of Ryoga being taken away was suddenly very real again, and this realization made Ranma's stomach feel as though it had been turned to lead.

"Alright," he said absently. "C'mon. Let's go inside and get something for your arm."

Ryoga looked up at him, apprehension flitting through his dark eyes. "What are you going to do?"

Ranma shrugged easily, belying the flood of worry he was actually feeling. "Nothin' for now. We'll…we'll figure somethin' out later. Just don't do it anymore, got it?"

Ryoga continued to gaze at him, his expression and eyes unreadable. He didn't reply.

"Come on," Ranma repeated, turning to lead the other boy towards the house. He managed to keep his face and voice calm, but his mind was whirling in turmoil as Ryoga's question echoed through his head over and over again.

"What are you going to do?"

_I don't know._

_I don't know..._

**Failure.**

Ryoga stared at the blank expanse of the wall, his face devoid of expression as he came to the same conclusion yet again. Not even bothering to look at what he was doing, he flicked the knife he was holding back across his wrist with a precision borne of repetition.

There was no other way to describe it. Deciding for once to give himself the benefit of the doubt, Ryoga had thought back to all that he'd done in his life, what he had tried to do, what he had wanted to do…looking for just one thing that might have made him worthy of redemption.

Failure.

The knife flicked again, leaving a thin trail of blood in its path.

It was all he was able to come up with. All the major events in his life were marked by it in some way or another—hell, even when it had come to death he had failed.

_So where does that leave me then?_ Ryoga wondered dully.

Nowhere. Out of place, as always. Lost, as usual.

Ryoga glanced down at his bleeding arm as he dragged the blade across it again, watching as tiny beads of red appeared in its place only to melt together a moment later into a narrow but growing stream.

Discarded beside him on the floor was the bandage Ranma had used just a little more than…an hour? Two hours? ago to wrap around his wrist.

Downstairs, Ranma and Ukyo, and maybe even Akane, were undoubtedly talking about this latest development, likely trying to figure out what to do with him. If they'd had any doubts about him being crazy before, they were certainly convinced now.

Ukyo…

Ryoga closed his eyes as he felt the familiar pain welling in him. He had brought this upon himself. He wondered how he'd allowed himself to fall back into the familiar routine, despite knowing all too well that objects of unrequited affection didn't make good life preservers on the sea of emotions for long. He felt stupid for having even let the thought cross his mind…to have hoped that maybe, if he tried hard enough, someone somewhere would be able to love him…

The silver blade glinted as it moved again.

The photograph that had been sitting in his lap slid off to the floor, settling itself beside the ones already resting there.

Ryoga glanced down at the fallen picture, reaching down to touch it. He ran his fingers over the softening edges as he stared at the slightly faded image of his parents. If only things had stayed the way they were when the picture had been taken…when they were so happy and in love, looking forward to a hopefully bright future…

Maybe then, they would've loved him…

Another slice.

Ryoga put the picture aside, disregarding the blood that dripped from his arm to form neat little circles on the floor. He shifted his gaze to one beside it, the one that Kasumi had given him sometime after the Christmas party, even though he himself wasn't even in the photograph—at the time it had been taken, Ryoga was already gone, unable to cope with the confusing mixture of happiness at being included, and agony at the blatant reminder of what he'd never had. And Akane…Akane had completely ignored him that night, a blow that had been too much for Ryoga to take.

_-flick-_

Ryoga looked at the third and final photo.

It was the picture of everyone at Togenkyo. Ryoga gazed at it, feeling bitterness stir within him that was soon washed away by painful regret. This particular photo seemed to perfectly sum up everything—Ranma, standing in the front of the group with his usual cocky grin as Ukyo and Shampoo pressed close against him, both looking overjoyed at the prospect of having a picture taken with their mutual fiancé; Akane, also in the front, smiling prettily as she stood next to Toma. They all looked perfectly happy, all smiling and paying no mind to the people they were overshadowing. Behind Akane, almost right in the center of the photograph, was himself. His expression was rather dark compared to most of the others', his face set in a scowl instead of a smile as he glowered at the camera. Ryoga remembered that he hadn't really wanted to be in the picture, but Ukyo had insisted, pulling him over to the rest of the group. Of course, she had immediately abandoned him—

_-flick-_

—there to go and stand with Ranma in the front, and Ryoga had been stuck standing beside Mousse, who—

_-flick-_

—had used him to try and beat Ranma. In the picture, Mousse had been busy staring at Shampoo in dismay; Shampoo, who'd been so nice to him that one time when Ryoga was in his cursed form—

_-flick-_

—and then tried to cook him; who had stolen his map and kicked him into the canal and tricked him because of the soap and constantly reminded him about how stupid he was, just like Ranma—

_-flick-_

—who'd teased him and taunted him and stolen his food and knocked him into the Spring—

_-flick-_

—at Jusenkyo, who'd taken his map to Japan's Nannichuan and tried to steal his waterproof soap. Ranma, who'd joined the ice skating match because of Mikado—

_-flick-_

—and not because he cared that Azusa had kidnapped him. Ranma, who'd used his girl-form to fool him and make him think someone actually liked him—

_-flick-_

—and always tried to embarrass him in front of Akane and the others. Ranma, who'd been so mean—

_-flick-_

—even though Ryoga had defended him after Happosai's moxibustion, Ranma, who'd then tricked him to use the Hiryu Shoten-Hah on him even though he'd been trying to help; Ranma, who'd followed him into the woods and made him live even though he didn't want to and why—

_-flick-_

_—why—_

_-flick-_

—couldn't Ranma have just let him _die?_

Ryoga pulled the knife away from his wrist, clutching the handle so tightly that his knuckles were white. His tears fell to mix with the blood that now covered his arm and dripped steadily onto the floor. A few stray droplets landed on the photograph, staining the edges with red.

The photograph showing that essentially, even within a group of people, Ryoga had been alone.

Just as he always had.

Just as he always would be…

A strangled noise escaped from the back of his throat as Ryoga flung the knife across the room, where it bounced against his pack and clattered to the floor.

His vision blurring, Ryoga gathered up the scattered pictures, not caring if they were ruined by the blood trickling down his arm to cover his hand.

It didn't matter anymore.

**"I can't believe it."**

Ranma and Akane glanced over at the girl sitting across from them.

"How could I not notice something like that?" Ukyo continued, her voice starting to tremble. "He's been living under the same roof as me for weeks! How could I not see that he was…that he was…"

"It ain't your fault, Ucchan," Ranma said, having a fairly good idea how she was feeling. "We've all been around Ryoga a lot lately, and we didn't know either. He's too damn smart in all the worst ways, the way he kept it hidden like that." He tipped his head slightly, glancing up at the ceiling for a moment. "I know it sucks, but at least we know now."

Akane tucked a stray lock of blue-black hair behind her ear. "So, you really think the best thing to do is take him to Cologne?"

Ranma shrugged, fighting to rid himself of the uneasy anxiety that resulted from not knowing what would happen next. "I can't think of anything else to do. I guess we could tell Dr. Tofu…"

Ukyo nodded in understanding. "Still…maybe we should ask Ryoga. He'd know better than us, wouldn't he?"

"Huh. I'd say yeah, but he don't exactly seem to be in a cooperative mood," Ranma muttered. After what had happened in the dojo, Ranma had brought Ryoga back to Ukyo's with the expectation that the Lost Boy would want some say in the matters that needed to be brought up. But immediately after arriving at the restaurant, Ryoga had mumbled something about going upstairs. Ranma had stopped him, asking if Ryoga didn't think he'd better tell Ukyo and Akane what was going on, but Ryoga had pushed past him. "If you're so damn concerned about it, you tell them," he'd said. Then he'd vanished up the stairs without another word.

Akane glanced at him, exasperation stamped over the concern already present in her expression. "Honestly, Ranma," she said. "How can you expect Ryoga not to be upset? He obviously didn't want anyone to know about this, and you practically forced it out of him."

Ranma scowled at her. "Oh, so you're sayin' it would've been better if I hadn't? You want him to keep messin' around like that until-"

"How can you two argue at a time like this?" Ukyo interrupted, glaring at them both. "Can we please just go talk to him without you two bickering?"

Ranma and Akane exchanged one more dark look, then stood up obligingly. Ukyo might've rolled her eyes had the situation not been weighted so seriously as they headed for the staircase.

"Ryoga?" Ukyo called, looking up at the landing expectantly. After a few moments and no response, she frowned and tried again. "Ryoga? Sugar, where are you?"

Akane and Ranma joined her at the bottom of the steps, staring upwards as the seconds ticked by.

Nothing.

Ukyo glanced nervously at the blue-eyed young man beside her. Ranma looked back at her, then turned to the steps.

"Ryoga!" Ranma yelled, the volume of his voice causing Ukyo and Akane to wince. He waited for a few moments, listening for a reply.

None came.

"Damn," Ranma muttered under his breath. He slid between the two girls and bounded up the stairs, leaving Ukyo and Akane to hesitate for a second before following him. A nightmare vision of Ryoga lying sprawled in a pool of blood like he'd been in the woods sprang into Ranma's mind as he jumped over the last few steps and ran to the bedroom, his heart leaping up into his throat.

"Ryoga?" Ranma cried breathlessly, bursting through the door despite the fear of what he might find on the other side…

But the room was empty.

And the window was open.

"Goddamnit," Ranma swore as the girls entered behind him. "I shoulda known better than to let him come up here by himself."

"But where could he have gone?" Akane asked worriedly.

"I don't know," Ranma said tightly. "But we gotta find him." He turned away, looking at the window as the soft curtains blew in the breeze.

"Ranma!"

The pigtailed boy whirled around, alarmed by the uncommonly high pitch of Ukyo's voice. "L-look," she whispered, pointing to something lying next to Ryoga's pack.

A knife…the knife.

With blood on the edge of its dark silver blade.

And drops of blood on the floor.

Ranma reached down to pick up the small tangle of gauze that he'd used to bandage Ryoga's wrist. "Oh, hell," he murmured, feeling numb. He turned back to the girls, trying to keep his composure. "We'll need to split up and look for him," he said. "Akane, you go down to the canal. He used to end up there a lot. Ukyo, you go check with Shampoo and Mousse. Find out if they've seen him and ask 'em to help you look. If you don't find him anywhere in Nerima, start moving towards the downtown side, Ok?"

"Right," they answered.

"Go to the Cat Cafe in an hour if you don't find him," Ranma added, figuring that Cologne would be the most helpful in the event that Ryoga wasn't found.

"Ok," Akane said, turning to run down the stairs with Ukyo right behind her.

Ranma started to leave as well, but something made him turn back to survey the room once again. Ryoga's pack was still next to the wall, his sleeping bag was still spread out on the floor...

_Wait a minute…_ Ranma paced over to the pack, noticing that one of the side pockets was open, with something sticking out of it. He went to kneel on the floor beside it, and was unsurprised to find that the object was Ryoga's black-and-silver tin. He pulled it out and clicked it open, causing something to flutter to the floor. Ranma ignored it for the moment, choosing to sift through the other items within first. He immediately noticed that the order of things had been changed. The newspaper clippings were on top now, the two that Ranma had seen before and a much newer one. He thought back to one of the days that he'd gone to see Ryoga in the hospital. A nurse had given Ryoga a newspaper at his request, and he'd been tearing out his father's obituary when Ranma had entered.

_"You probably think I'm pretty morbid, don't you," Ryoga had said._

_"What? For wanting something to remember him by, and because that's all you've got right now?" he'd answered. "That don't make you morbid."_

_Don't forget what you've learned…_

Ranma shook his head, placing the tin aside and turning his attention back to the object that had fallen to the ground. A small piece of white paper, folded a few times. He picked it up and opened it.

_I remember…this was in the box too, that night when I first went through it…_

Ranma frowned as he studied the paper. It's just a haiku… The pigtailed boy read the small printed lines on the page.

_The eternal sea_

_The water, the source of life_

_I shall return to it…_

Ranma stared at it for a moment, thinking.

_…sea…I shall return to it…_

_…Don't forget…_

_…losing him…_

"Oh, no," Ranma breathed, realization dawning on him. The last dream…the outskirts of Tokyo…the words of his counterpart…

He stood slowly, a cold knot of certainty forming in his chest.

Letting the scrap of paper flutter to the floor, Ranma turned and dashed out the door.


	20. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: Ranma ½ is property of Rumiko Takahashi and all those other people who produce it and stuff. The characters aren't mine, and I'm not making any money from this.

Chapter 19

~ One Last Chance at the Edge ~

_Dad, your boy's about to fall_

_He walks the razor's edge_

_He's on the brink of fading out_

_He's at his bitter end_

_Dad, your boy who used to run_

_You taught him how to crawl_

_He left home to find his own_

_Now all he had is gone_

_Mom, your baby's on his way_

_He'll soon be at your side_

_'Cause he's forgotten all he's known_

_A part of him has died_

_Mom may never understand_

_Why baby's come and gone_

_He left home to find his own_

_Now all he has are lies_

_In your eyes I see a darkness that torments you_

_And in your head where it dwells_

_I'd give you my hand if you'd reach out and grab it_

_Let's walk away from this hell…_

~The Juliana Theory, "Into the Dark"

_Someone will say what is lost can never be saved…_

~Smashing Pumpkins, "Bullet with a Butterfly's Wings"

Ryoga gazed west, shielding his eyes from the light of the sinking sun with one hand as he stood taking in the view of Tokyo. The lights of the city were already gleaming brightly despite the remaining sunlight, their myriad of colors glittering amidst the hundreds of buildings stretching out as far as he could see.

Turning his back to the city and the glare of the waning sun, Ryoga closed his eyes, sending tears slipping down the sides of his face. The icy particle of despair within him was beginning to expand, reaching out to wrap itself around the core of his being, stabbing at his heart like a thousand tiny knives.

No one had ever loved him…not truly. There had always been limitations, conditions, something to get in the way, to keep people from caring. Once, Ryoga had thought that if he were to give his heart away, perhaps somebody would find it within themselves to love him back…but no one ever had. They'd only ignored it, toyed with it, used it, then come to the final act of breaking it, shattering it and leaving him with the pieces.

He'd survived, of course, piecing the empty shards back together time and again, only to have them knocked apart once more. Yet he'd survived. But after years and years of being locked in the same cruel cycle, Ryoga had come to the conclusion that his efforts have been wasted; leaving him to realize the sad truth of life—one can survive without love, but one cannot live without it.

And neither could he.

He knew exactly how to fix things, now. Better than to wait until his expectations of rejection by those around him had been met. A fleeting acceptance of his faults would have only made things worse anyway; he might have been tempted to make the wrong choice—the choice of letting people in, of letting himself think that someone actually cared—and that would've only resulted in more pain later on, when they would undoubtedly cast him aside as everyone had always done before.

As for Ukyo…Ryoga had never been anything more to her than a vessel for sympathy, something that has made her feel kind and caring, had he? That, and a tool to get at Ranma. Her most recent attentions were undoubtedly a result of guilt, perhaps a means of redemption to make up for all the hurtful little schemes she'd involved him in. And Ranma…no matter what the blue-eyed martial artist claimed, Ryoga couldn't help but suspect this was all a game to him. Too many times…too many times, had Ranma gone through a similar routine—played nice for awhile, letting Ryoga think that maybe he wouldn't go and do something else to put another crack in his fragile spirit…and as soon as Ryoga had let his guard slip, that was exactly what happened. This time around…Ranma was certain to grow tired of his heroic antics, especially considering his less than desirable results. True, Ranma had been hanging on to the idea longer than usual this time, but then again, why wouldn't he? Things were a little more serious, undoubtedly providing more substantial fuel for the fire, letting him feel ever the more self-important. In any event, Ryoga had entertained him for a while, as he always had when something happened to make Ranma take interest in him—the Mark of the Gods, his short-lived alliance with Mousse, getting kidnapped by Azusa, the discovery of the map to Japan's Nannichuan—anything that let Ranma play the noble rescuer or gave him a chance to get something he wanted. Then, as soon as the initial fun was over, Ranma would throw him away like a child would discard a broken toy, reducing Ryoga once again to an object of ridicule until something new came along to spark the pigtailed boy's interest. And there wasn't any reason for this time to be different.

As for anyone else…Akane, Kasumi…Ryoga encompassed only a very small part of their lives, a part that could easily be replaced in the event that it was lost. And if there was even a bit of genuine care among the lot of them…well, why should it be wasted on someone like him? Kasumi deserved a happy marriage and a beautiful life, and she had her own family to bestow kindness upon instead of giving it to some ragtag runaway who'd caused more trouble than he was worth. And Akane…loved Ranma. Not him. Never him.

Akane…who he'd loved.

Akane, who'd never loved him back.

_"I hate to say it, but after seeing his true feelings like that, I feel sorry for whoever ends up being Ryoga's girlfriend."_

Ryoga felt the pain just as keenly as he had the day she'd said those words…

_"Were you born stupid or did you just grow that way?"_

_"…I could care less what happens to that little pig of yours."_

_"Ryoga, you jackass!"_

_"…stupid boy!"_

_"Moron…"_

_"Since when did you become so pathetic?"_

Their voices echoed through his mind, hurtful and mocking.

Ryoga glanced down at his hand, staring dully at the bloody streaks crossing his palm and trailing down to his fingertips. He was sick of his weakness, his hesitation and fears; sick of trying to cope with them, to live with them. And he was already so tired…tired of trying…tired of caring…tired of hurting…tired of holding on…

So he did the only other thing he could think of to do.

Ryoga let go.

**Akane ran down the street along the canal, ignoring the beauty of the sunlight on the sparkling water**. She'd been up and down more than half of it, so she went in the opposite direction, her chest heaving with labored breaths. She'd already run quite far, at least a few miles, but she didn't dare stop to rest. Turning down another street, she headed east, her eyes scanning the path along the canal and the sidewalk on the other side.

But there was no sign of Ryoga.

**Ukyo took off running from the Cat Café, the fierce worry within her slipping rapidly towards fear.** None of the Amazons had seen the Lost Boy all day long, and none had any idea where he might have gone. Shampoo and Mousse had immediately risen to help, and Cologne had agreed to stay put in case they needed her later, but assured them she'd be keeping an eye out for Ryoga at the same time.

Ukyo turned and headed east. She'd come to the Café from the south, so Mousse had volunteered to search the northern part of town while Shampoo went west. By covering all the directions, hopefully one of them would run across Ryoga; if not, they'd at least know that he was probably no longer in Nerima.

She continued down the street, her long brown hair streaming out behind her as she ran. Her shadow was lengthening in front of her, so she increased her pace, spurred on by the knowledge that the sun would be setting soon, adding the complication of darkness to the search.

_Ryoga-honey…please, be Ok…_

**A lone figure mounted the last step leading to the top of the gargantuan wall that shielded the edge of Tokyo from the ocean's potentially devastating effects.** There was ample room to walk; those who had built the wall knew that the sea could be a difficult thing to ward off, and had therefore constructed the blockade from thick and sturdy stone, reinforcing it with concrete and steel. The finished product was a mighty barrier, miles long and a good forty feet thick, still standing strong despite decades of being pummeled by the fury of the ocean during storms and rough weather.

Ranma Saotome thought little of this as he reached the top, wiping a sheen of sweat borne of exertion and anxiety from his forehead as he did so. He peered down the length of the wall, and was surprised to find what he had been so desperately seeking practically right in front of him.

Ryoga stood near the very edge of the wall, gazing impassively down at the sea far below. Ranma paused momentarily to take a breath, unsure if the other boy had noticed him, then began a hesitant step forward.

"Stay where you are," Ryoga said tremulously, though his voice had an iron edge as it cut through the sound of the ocean and wind.

"I can jump a lot faster than you can get over here, Ranma."

**Akane stopped to catch her breath, placing her hand against a telephone pole for support.** She swallowed at the lump she felt forming in her throat, trying to dismiss the sensation that something was horribly, terribly wrong. Glancing up, she stared ahead at the bulk of the seawall, looming several blocks away.

Akane straightened herself up and tipped her head back in order to see.

_Is that someone up there?_ she wondered, spotting a form breaking the even line of the wall top. She blinked and looked again, thinking that perhaps her imagination was playing tricks on her. But she could still see the figure, standing out darkly against the hued sky.

Taking a breath, Akane began to run again.

**Ukyo neared edge of Tokyo as the sun began to set.** She continued east, trying to think of where else to look. Pausing to glance around, her heart hammered in her chest, half from exertion, half from worry as she wished for a better vantage point. She surveyed the surrounding buildings, looking for one she might be able to get on top of, and settled for the low roof of a warehouse. This gave her access to leap to the roof of a higher edifice, and then another, higher still. Ukyo continued to ascend, stopping occasionally to glance around at the widening view of the streets below. By chance, her eyes passed over the darkening form of the seawall rising in the near-distance. She started to turn away, but something made her look back. She narrowed her eyes slightly to see better.

On top of the wall, only slightly higher than her direct line of vision, she saw something—a person.

And it looked like he was wearing a red shirt.

Behind her, the sun slipped beneath the horizon, dimming her view with shadows. She was unable to tell for sure who was on the wall, but she could guess.

Without any further hesitation, Ukyo started running.

**Ranma stopped short and swallowed hard, knowing Ryoga's threat was not an idle one.**

"Alright," he said, trying to keep his voice from wavering. "Just do me a favor and take a few steps back from there, Ryoga."

Ryoga shook his head slowly, still staring down at the waters below. "Can't," he said, somewhat absently. "Can't, can't..."

Ranma inhaled slowly, trying to quell the fear he felt rising in his throat. "Ryoga…yes, you can, just-"

"No," Ryoga said adamantly, though his voice was trembling. His eyes filled with tears. "You all think I'm crazy."

"No," Ranma said, his voice low. "We don't. I—I don't."

Ryoga shook his head again. "It doesn't matter," he said, the tears beginning to track down his face. "I can't…I tried, but I can't…"

"Ryoga, you're doing fine-"

_"No!"_ Ryoga cried. "That's a _lie, _and you know it! I'll never be fine!" He took a shuddering breath, his shoulders heaving. "You've been right all along about me. I'm weak. Weak and pathetic and useless…"

"You are not weak," Ranma protested. "You never have been…"

The Lost Boy squeezed his eyes shut, his tears leaving shining trails down his face. "I can't anymore…it…hurts…"

Ranma closed his eyes as well, keeping back the desperate tears he felt forming.

_Yes, it hurts…_

"I just want it to stop…" Ryoga said, his voice a strangled sob. "I just want it to go away…"

"I know you do," Ranma said. "But this isn't the way."

"There is no other way," Ryoga retorted bitterly.

"Yes, there is," Ranma insisted. "You're just not looking-"

"It's the only way!" Ryoga screamed, his expression one of sheer agony. "I'm sick of looking! All I've ever found are lies! _Lies!"_

Ranma blinked and moved back reflexively, startled by the other boy's outburst.

_Ok. You know he's upset, he's standing on the edge of a good hundred-foot drop off. Don't do anything to make him worse…_

Then Ranma noticed something dark dripping steadily from Ryoga's hand. He hadn't seen it earlier because he was standing to the right of the other boy instead of the left, but now he could see it flowing over Ryoga's palm to land in the small puddle at his feet.

_Oh God…_Ranma thought, horror rising in him as he remembered what they'd found back at Ukyo's. _What did he do? What the hell did he do, there's so much, I thought he just nicked himself again, but there's too much…_

Ranma took a deep breath, forcing down his fear and trying to focus on the more pressing issue at hand. A long fall and a plunge into the bay would do a lot more damage than some blood loss; besides, it wasn't like he hadn't dealt with that before…

"Ryoga…you don't have to do this," Ranma attempted, struggling to remain composed despite the wild thoughts whirling through his mind. He knew he was out of his league, and that knowledge terrified him. There was so much at risk…

"I have no reason not to," Ryoga replied, biting the words.

Ranma took another breath, realizing that his hands were shaking. He clenched them into fists, ignoring the pain as his nails dug into his palms. "Yeah, you do," he said, his voice not half so even as he would've liked. "What about everyone you'd be leaving behind?"

"Leaving behind?" Ryoga echoed, his tone one of miserable irony. "There is no one to leave behind. I'm the one who's been left behind." The Lost Boy's voice rose, his eyes beginning to smolder. "What do you think happened when my mother left, Ranma? What do you think she did?" he demanded, glaring at him as though the pigtailed boy might actually answer. "She went on with her life," Ryoga continued. "She didn't need me, and she didn't want me. Neither did my father. Hell, he'd been gone from the start. I ran away, and he didn't even bother to look for me."

Ranma opened his mouth to speak, but Ryoga beat him to it.

"No, don't say that you haven't done it, Ranma," Ryoga snapped. "What did you do, when you took off for China? What did you do, during all those times when I was gone? You and Akane and Ukyo and the others?" he asked, his voice ragged with anguish.

"You did the same thing," Ryoga answered for him. "You went on with your lives. I could've died a thousand different times out there on the road, and would any of you have known? Would you have noticed if I'd never come back? Would you have cared?"

Ranma found himself unable to reply. He could only stare with wide blue eyes as he struggled to find the words he needed.

"Of course you wouldn't have," Ryoga went on brokenly. "Out of sight, out of mind…isn't that the way it always was with you? _All _of you?"

Ranma shook his head slowly, trying to come to terms with what was happening. The damage and scarring done to Ryoga's soul were much worse than he had originally thought, than Ryoga had let on…it seemed obvious now that the he'd kept much of it buried within himself, unable to cope with it fully despite the support and caring Ranma and the others had tried to offer. The wounds inflicted by abuse and neglect and abandonment, the hurt and betrayals that had been visited upon him over and over again, the despair and loneliness he had been keeping bottled within for so long…they were finally threatening to break loose, to overwhelm Ryoga's entire being.

_Ryoga…he's really losing it this time, isn't he? Before, in the hospital…that was nothing…how could I have thought that a few stupid apologies and some concern would be enough to fix _this?

Ranma fought to still his shaking hands again as he saw erratic flickers of blue-white energy beginning to appear around the Lost Boy, a telltale display of Ryoga's state of mind.

_He's falling apart…_

"Ryoga…you don't have to… If you'd only tell me what's wrong, so I can help you-"

"What's wrong?" Ryoga cut in, his voice icy. "What's_ wrong?"_ He let out a short trail of low, bitter laughter that rang hollowly through Ranma's ears, making his insides go cold.

"What's _right_ would be a better question," Ryoga hissed. Then his anger seemed to fade, the livid light in his eyes dimming as his expression softened back into sadness. "You don't want to help me."

Ranma stared at him for a moment, confusion playing across his features. "Ryoga…what-?"

"There's nothing in it for you this time, Ranma. It's just been a game to you," Ryoga said. His voice was steady, but Ranma could hear the undercurrent of hurt beneath the surface. "I almost believed you this time, with all your talk about honor…but it all comes down to the same thing in the end, doesn't it. The only reason you ever pick me up off the ground is just so you can fling me there yourself…"

Ranma felt his chest tighten painfully. "No…Ryoga, it's not like that…I told you that already…I'm sorry, I told you I was sorry!"

"Sorry?" Ryoga said, musing over the word. "Of course…isn't everyone sorry? I know I am…I'm sorry I was ever born…sorry I ever came back here…sorry I ever met _you…"_

These final few words, delivered with calm, quiet certainty, stabbed at Ranma with a keenness that hurt more than any physical blow Ryoga had ever dealt him. His unsteady control of his emotions finally slipped, forcing them out in a torrent.

"Why do you keep _hating_ me?" Ranma cried, the question tearing from his throat with an intensity that made Ryoga turn to look at him with wounded eyes.

"I don't," Ryoga said finally. "But I don't believe you."

Ranma swallowed again, trying desperately to regain his fleeing composure. "Why did you say it was alright if you didn't believe me?" he asked, unable to understand.

"I wanted to, Ranma," Ryoga said, another pair of tears falling from his eyes. "Really, I did. But I couldn't…I can't. I don't believe anything anymore."

_Once bitten…_

_…twice shy._

"Ryoga…I was telling you the truth."

"Doesn't matter…" Ryoga said quietly, tonelessly.

"Yes, it _does!" _Ranma shouted, his conflicting emotions clashing together as his senses screamed at him to stop, stop this terrible thing threatening to happen. "It matters to _me!_ Don't you get it? I don't _want_ you to die!" he cried. "What do I have to do to make you believe me?"

Ryoga squeezed his eyes shut, his face contorting with pain. "Stop it," he said, his voice tight and constricted. "Please, stop…just go away, Ranma, please…"

Ranma thrust down his rising panic, unwilling to lose control of himself. "I ain't leaving unless you come with me," he said resolutely.

Ryoga shook his head; more tears welling in his eyes and slipping down his face. "No," he said, his voice strained. "I can't…I'm sorry, Ranma, I'm sorry…but I c-can't..."

"Yes, you can," Ranma told him.

Ryoga clenched his fists, obviously fighting with himself. "Go away, Ranma," he said, keeping his eyes fixed on sea below. It looked so inviting…deep and dark, a promising end to the pain, powerful enough to make everything stop hurting…forever. It should be so easy to take the last step, to slip beneath the waves into the darkness…

But he could feel Ranma's eyes on him, could feel the plaintive, wounded look in them, hurt because Ryoga didn't want to believe him.

The color of the ocean changed slightly, shimmering with violet. Ryoga tilted his head back slightly to look up at what the sea was mirroring. The last remnants of sunset had painted the clouds lavender and rose, and at the far horizon, where the daylight could no longer reach, the sky was so blue, the deep cerulean color of twilight…

Ryoga closed his eyes, thinking of the only other place he'd seen that color.

_I can't save him._

The thought came out of nowhere, whispering through Ranma's mind with a wave of regret and the unfamiliar feeling of defeat. What could he do when Ryoga didn't even believe a word he'd said to him? This was what Cologne had been trying to warn them about, Ranma realized. By skirting around their own feelings, how could Ryoga, already distrustful and shy and hurting, possibly know what to make of anything? Ryoga, his friend, who was standing on the brink of death, an ending made by his own means. There was no turning back this time, no chance of survival. This was irreversible, irreparable, final…

"Ranma?" called a nervous, feminine voice, startling them both. Ranma looked away to see Akane hurrying towards them from the opposite direction.

"Akane," Ryoga said softly, his voice laden with surprise and uncertainty.

The second she saw the expressions on their faces, the way Ryoga was standing so close to the edge, she stopped in her tracks, her face paling with the realization of what was occurring.

"Ryoga…" she breathed, horrified.

Ryoga gazed at her apologetically, his eyes full of shame and remorse. "Akane…I don't have a choice anymore…"

"B-but you can't! Ryoga, no!" Akane began to cry, covering her face with her hands.

_There has to be something I can do…I can't let this happen, I won't let it happen…_

Ranma's thoughts were broken by the sound of someone approaching, light feet running over the sandpaper-rough surface of the seawall. He glanced away to see Ukyo coming towards them, her long hair waving behind her like a shining flag.

"Ranma? What's going…" Her words vanished when she saw Ryoga, who had turned to look at her with dark eyes.

"R-Ryoga?" Ukyo said, her voice suddenly very small.

Ryoga's expression became pained. "Oh…Ukyo…" he said quietly. "You…you weren't supposed to come…"

Something passed through the distance between them, something unspoken but in their eyes. Ryoga's, full of despair and regret, with a trace of sad wistfulness stirring in their depths. Ukyo's, bright with dismay and grief, with something akin to desperation shining in them, a fear of losing something precious…

Ranma gazed at the young man on the edge, knowing that this might be the last they ever see of him, this vision of Ryoga and the ocean, his expression a picture of utter sorrow, his face wet with silver tears, his night-black hair rippling slightly in the breeze, the sky above him deepening as the last light faded away...

Ukyo's eyes brightened with tears that immediately poured down her cheeks. "Ryoga…you're not going to…please tell me you're not…"

"It doesn't matter anymore," Ryoga replied, his voice full of regret. "Nothing does."

"That's not true," Ranma protested.

"Maybe not," Ryoga agreed. "But it's close enough…" He turned away, shifting precariously towards the emptiness before him.

"Ryoga!"

"No!" Ukyo gasped, her voice pitching in terror.

"Ryoga,_ don't!"_ Ranma cried.

Something made Ryoga pause and turn to look back at them. Ukyo collapsed into a disheveled heap, her face streaked with the tears falling from her twilight-blue eyes, her long dark hair draped over her shoulders.

"Please, Ryoga…" she continued, her voice a sob, "…please don't…"

The Lost Boy's shoulders trembled. "I'm s-sorry, but I just…I just c-can't…" he said helplessly.

Ukyo lifted her head, her eyes shining with desperation and sadness. "Ryoga, I…I love you…"

Silence, but for the sound of the sea far below, descended as Ukyo and Ryoga gazed at each other for a long moment.

"Ukyo…" Ryoga sighed at last, closing his dark eyes and turning his face into the wind.

"Ryoga…listen to me," Ranma said. "Please. Don't do it." He paused, swallowing back his tears. "I promise I'll help you get through this…"

"…I can't, Ranma…"

"Please, Ryoga," Ranma whispered. His voice broke as tears overflowed from his dark blue eyes. "I don't want to lose you…"

Ryoga turned to look at him, a flicker of vague incredulity settling on his pain-ravaged features. Their eyes met, sapphire locking onto deep hazel, both silent as one searched for a sign of belief, the other an indication of truth.

"Just give me your hand," Ranma said. He extended his arm out towards the other boy.

Ryoga turned away, clenching his fists as he struggled with himself, fighting this most critical of all internal battles. He stared down at the darkening water, its tumultuous depths a certain promise of mortality, the waves tossing up curtains of silvery spray where they crashed against the unyielding stone, his face a mask of depthless sorrow and pain.

A step…a single step would end it all…

"Ryoga," Ranma said, reaching out a little further.

Ryoga squeezed his eyes shut.

And reached back with a trembling hand.

Ranma grasped it in his own and pulled Ryoga away from the edge with enough force to make him stumble. Catching him in his arms, Ranma eased them both to the ground.

Ryoga blinked up at him, weariness apparent in his dark eyes, his face pale from his bleeding wrist. But he was alive.

Wonderfully, thankfully alive.

"Ryoga," Ranma gasped, his voice shaking as tears slid down his face. He drew his friend close against him, wrapping his arms around the trembling boy securely as Ukyo and Akane threw themselves upon them, crying and hugging them tight.

"Ryoga," Ukyo sobbed, clinging to the Lost Boy with all her might. "Oh, Ryoga…"

"You gotta stop doin' this," Ranma said, trying to keep his voice steady. "I wasn't lying to you, Ryoga, I wouldn't lie. You're not crazy, I don't hate you, and I don't want you to die…"

"I'm sorry…" Ryoga said, the words soft as the sound of falling leaves. He glanced down at his wrist, as though noticing that it was bleeding heavily for the first time, and realized it was why he was suddenly so tired.

"I know," Ranma replied, hugging him closer.

"…sorry…" Ryoga whispered, his voice fading as he leaned weakly against the other boy.

"It's alright," Ranma assured him. "It'll be alright now, Ryoga…"


	21. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: So, like I was saying…the camels are eeevil. Turn your back for just a second, and they'll be trying to take over the world so they can convert it into alfalfa farms and Denny's restaurants. At the very least, they might try to eat your hat or spit on you. Mark my words…never trust a camel. And by the way, I don't own the characters, Rumiko Takahashi does.

Chapter 20

~ Aftermath ~

_If I fall along the way_

_Pick me up and dust me off_

_If I get too tired to make it_

_Be my breath so I can walk_

_If I need some other love_

_Then give me more than I can stand_

_If my smile gets old and faded_

_Wait around, I'll smile again_

_Shouldn't be so complicated_

_Just hold me and then_

_Just hold me again_

_Can't you help me, I'm bent_

_I'm so scared that I'll never_

_Get put back together…_

~Matchbox 20, "Bent"

_Do you bury me when I'm gone?_

_Do you teach me while I'm here?_

_Just as soon as I belong_

_Then it's time I disappear…_

~Metallica, "I Disappear"

**Ranma took a deep breath, filling his lungs with the warm, fresh air of the summer night as he reclined against the tiles of the dojo roof.** It was a peaceful evening, something that had long been considered a rarity in Nerima, and Ranma was glad for the serenity, no matter how short-lived it might be.

He sat up momentarily to glance around, scanning the surrounding rooftops and streets. Though things had been generally calmer than usual of late, Ranma still found himself frequently checking his surroundings to make sure he wasn't about to be on the receiving end of some attack. One could never be too cautious…or so he told himself, at least.

Heaving a disgruntled sigh, Ranma let himself flop back down on the gentle slope of the roof, a mild scowl settling itself over his features.

"Aah, who am I kidding. Stupid idiot prob'ly won't be back 'til next month. Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if he was in Hokkaido or somethin' right now."

"Oh, honestly Ranma," came a chiding voice from behind him, causing the pigtailed boy to nearly leap out of skin.

"Akane! Geez, what the heck're you tryin' to do? Gimme a heart attack?"

"Hmph," the named girl muttered, sitting down beside him and pushing a bit of blue-black hair away from her face. "It's not my fault you didn't hear me. Maybe if you weren't so busy sulking-"

"I was _not_ sulking!" Ranma said indignantly, crossing his arms over his chest in a gesture of denial.

"Oh, please. You're just afraid to admit that you miss someone."

Ranma scowled at his offending fiancée. "I don't miss him at all. Why should I? I count myself lucky to have one less violent, directionless jerk chasin' me around."

Akane rolled her eyes. "Get over yourself, Ranma. You know you miss him just as well as I do."

"Do not!"

Akane gave him a withering look. "Oh, then I suppose you've been coming up here on the roof every night since he left and sitting here watching the street for hours because it's more comfortable than your bed? Is that what you expect me to believe?"

"Yeah! I mean no! I mean…arghhh!" Ranma growled in frustration.

Akane gave him a satisfied smile. "It's not a crime to miss someone, you dummy."

Ranma grumbled some inaudible reply and proceeded to pout in annoyance, which only caused Akane to laugh at him.

"Oh, come on, Ranma. All of us miss Ryoga. It's not like you're the only one."

"Ah, shaddup."

Akane shoved herself back to her feet, looking exasperated. "Fine. Sit up here and pout, for all I care," she said.

"Uncute tomboy," Ranma muttered under his breath, scowling after her. Then he blinked, washing the sullen expression away.

"You should stop worrying, though. He'll come back, just like he said," Akane told him over her shoulder.

"Huh," Ranma replied, waiting for her to go back inside. Then he sighed again, thinking back to the weeks before, and what had gone on.

They'd taken him back to the hospital, in the end, but Dr. Tofu had come with them. Most of the cuts Ryoga had given himself were just nasty scratches; only a few had needed stitches, and he'd only lost around two pints of blood—just enough to make him pass out and need some saline solution. Ranma had gone in to see him as soon as he'd woken up, but he hadn't gotten to talk to Ryoga much before they'd given the Lost Boy a sedative. The short time he'd had consisted mostly of sitting with him and trying to alleviate the immediate fear that had set in with Ryoga's realization that he was at the start of what would likely be another stay in the hospital. It wasn't until the following day, the first day after the incident on the wall, that Ranma had been able to have a real conversation with him.

"You didn't tell me the half of it, did you?" Ranma had asked. He'd been staring out the window, his arms crossed over his chest.

"The half of what?"

Ranma turned to look at the boy sitting on the bed behind him. "Anything. Everything. Whatever it is goin' on inside that head of yours. An' don't say I didn't ask, 'cause I did. A bunch of times."

Ryoga gazed back at him for a moment, then looked away to stare at the blank white wall. "Did it ever occur to you…" he started to say, but something made him trail off uncertainly.

Ranma watched him expectantly. "Did what occur to me?" he asked. Ryoga didn't answer, but only continued to stare at the wall. Ranma frowned slightly at his silence. "Ryoga?"

"Maybe there's nothing else to tell," Ryoga said finally.

"Like hell there isn't," Ranma said forcefully, his features contorting into a scowl. "I've heard that one before, and I ain't fallin' for it again." Ryoga flinched slightly at the words, and the sight loosed a wave of guilt in Ranma. Sighing inwardly, the pigtailed boy sat beside him on the bed.

"Look, Ryoga," Ranma said, carefully erasing any of the prior edge his voice. "I know you ain't too keen on talking about this stuff. Believe me, I know it's easier to just shove it down underneath and pretend it ain't there. I guess that works sometimes, and maybe it's Ok so long as it ain't gonna hurt you later."

"It's not hurting me," Ryoga argued tightly. An instant later, Ranma yanked him around to face him, gripping the Lost Boy's shoulders.

"Three times," Ranma said, his voice low and restrained. "Three goddamn times, Ryoga, you tried to kill yourself. Three times, and not even in as many months. And then you sit here and tell me that it's not _hurting_ you?" He ignored the protestations of his conscience as tears threatened Ryoga's dark eyes. "What the hell else needs to happen before you figure it out? You damn near bled to death once, then you were planning on doing God-knows-what with that knife a few days later, and then you wanted to take a hundred-foot dive into Tokyo Bay! And you still think that everything's fine?"

Ryoga pushed Ranma's hands off and stood, taking a few steps away from the bed. "No, I…I don't know…"

"What's making you wanna do this?" Ranma asked.

"It feels like the only thing left to do," Ryoga snapped. "What else is there, for someone like me?" He glared at the pigtailed boy, his dark eyes bright. "It's the only thing I can think of sometimes…"

_Here we go again,_ Ranma thought, rather wearily. "What about Ukyo? She just said that she lo-"

"She says so now," Ryoga interrupted. "What about later? When she thinks about it for awhile? Do you think she'll feel the same way when it hits her that we were standing on top of the seawall when she said that, and realizes what she's getting herself into? What then?"

"Ryoga…" Ranma sighed. "Do you think we'd have come looking for you if we didn't care? Do you think I'd be here now?"

"I don't know," Ryoga had answered, his voice shaking. "I don't know anything. I can't even figure out why everything started going wrong…and then I got this idea in my head, and I couldn't get it out, no matter what I did."

Ranma eyed him carefully. "You mean when your dad…?"

Ryoga shook his head slowly. "No," he replied. "It was…some time after Cologne taught me the Breaking Point. It was…it's the perfect cure…"

Ranma closed his eyes, dismayed. _That's how long…you've been thinking about doing this for that long?_ he thought as regret and distress welled in him. Maybe, if he hadn't acted the way he did…maybe if he'd stopped to think for a moment, he would have realized that there was something deeply and terribly wrong. But he hadn't. He'd simply thrown it back in Ryoga's face, allowing more and more people to get involved, letting transgression after transgression pile up and refusing to take responsibility for any of the damage they had caused. He'd simply told himself that so long as Ryoga was lashing out at him, it was enough; he wasn't really doing anything wrong, he couldn't be doing anything wrong if it was going both ways… Only when Ryoga had given up trying to salvage the broken pieces of his self into some semblance of a normal life had Ranma finally realized. Realized how he'd done exactly the opposite of what he should've done. Remembered that Ryoga was different inside, more fragile, more easily hurt, slower to heal. And he hadn't helped, he'd just shoved him along like everyone else, pushed and pushed until Ryoga was walking on the edge, a place where it would only be a matter of time until he fell.

Ranma tugged at the end of his pigtail, trying to concentrate on the matter more directly at hand. "So…if it started back then, why didn't you ever…y'know…say somethin'?"

"To who?" Ryoga asked pointedly.

"You could've told me," Ranma replied, getting to his feet.

"You?" Ryoga said sardonically. "How could you expect me to tell you anything? You…half the time I don't even know if it's really you that I'm talking to or if you're just trying to… How can I tell you anything when you're…when you were…"

Ranma winced at the words, feeling something inside him twist painfully. He moved forward, hoping to stop the complete meltdown he sensed coming, but Ryoga backed away from him.

"Ryoga…you could've told me-"

"How was I supposed to do that? Was I supposed to just walk up and say, 'Guess what, that time Akane said she felt sorry for anyone who had to date me, I ended up at a cliff and thought about throwing myself over the side'? And you expected me to admit how every time you pretended to be some long-lost fiancée or something I'd go into the woods and hold a knife to my arm?" Ryoga continued, his voice growing wild. "You wanted me to tell you that the last time I was in Nagoya someone on the street offered t-to sell me a gun and I almost took it, b-because I…I thought m-maybe i-it would be easier than t-trying to…" He slid to the floor.

_Sure, you shoulda told me_, Ranma thought darkly. _Maybe I woulda woken the hell up. _He knelt in front of Ryoga as the bandana'd boy hid his face in his arms. Ranma could feel the other's aura, and was troubled to find it flaring with hurt and self-hatred that mixed with the icy wisps of despair lacing through. Perfect fuel for one hell of a Shi-shi Hokodan, had Ryoga decided to center himself.

"Ryoga," Ranma said as the other boy's voice dissolved into sobs. "Calm down. It's alright." He could practically feel the Lost Boy's already-wavering resolve unravel. Despite the previous outbursts Ranma had seen the last time Ryoga was in the hospital, seeing his friend fall apart right before his eyes was still frightening.

"It's not alright! I don't even know why you're here; you should hate me!"

"What?" Ranma said, unable to believe what he'd just heard.

"You should hate me for trying to attack you all those times and everything! Akane should hate me for my curse and for what I did! What about the time with Mousse, what about the Breaking Point?" Ryoga prattled. "What about the…about the… Why don't you hate me, you're supposed to! You're _supposed_ to _hate_ me!"

"Don't say that," Ranma said forcefully, grabbing him by the shoulders. "It's not like that at all. How am I supposed to hate you when you helped me after the Old Freak's pressure point, and when you stopped that guy in Nekonron from cuttin' me in two?" he'd asked. "An' Akane already said she don't hate you. She shouldn't anyway, not after all the times you defended her and everything."

"Noo!" Ryoga wailed. "You should! You should've let me die! I should've _died!"_

"No, damn it!" Ranma snapped. He gave the other boy a rough shake. "Don't even think that! You are not supposed to die! It ain't a damn option!"

That only succeeded in making Ryoga cry harder. Ranma gritted his teeth as he moved to sit beside him, leaning back against the wall and sliding one arm around the other boy's shoulders. He had a feeling he knew what was happening—guilt was one of the main things that had been driving Ryoga to extremes all along, guilt because he felt he didn't deserve to live. After seeing everyone's adverse reaction to his suicide attempts, he felt guilty for wanting to die. Now he was torn between the two, and was looking for a way to cancel one out so he could give in to the other…

"Ryoga, calm down," Ranma commanded. "Why do you keep doin' this to yourself?"

"You should hate me…"

"No," Ranma said. "The fights, Akane—they were mistakes. That's all. So what if you messed up, so did I, and so did she. So did everyone else. It's called being human. It ain't like you caused the end of the world or nothin', you just made mistakes. And killing yourself isn't the way to fix them."

"I d-didn't m-mean to…"

"I know," Ranma said consolingly. "I know you couldn't help it. No one's mad at you or nothin'."

"No…I can't…c-can't…" Ryoga cried. He tried to curl in on himself, but Ranma pulled him upright.

"It's alright," Ranma insisted.

"Everything I've ever done has been wrong," Ryoga said. "How…how could I have been so _stupid?"_

"Not stupid," Ranma murmured.

"I hate myself for it…"

"No one else does."

"Why…why did this happen to me? Why did I let it happen?" Ryoga asked miserably.

"I don't know why it happened," Ranma said honestly. He could still feel the hurt and pain radiating from the other boy, but it had lessened somewhat. Ranma hated seeing him upset like this, but if it made him feel better, Ryoga could cry and scream all he wanted. "I don't know why. But we're gonna fix what we can."

"How?"

"However we can," Ranma told him. "We'll figure something out. Just…you gotta trust me a little bit, alright?"

Ryoga had quieted down; he was sick of crying all the time. But he didn't answer.

Ranma had wished Ryoga would reply, but he knew that silence from the Lost Boy was better than an outright refusal.

It would have to do…

**Ranma leaned back against the tiles of the roof of again, gazing up at the stars**. Dr. Tofu had warned him about Ryoga's temperament before he'd gone in to see him that first time. Survivor's guilt, Dr. Tofu had said. Something similar to that. Ryoga was doubting himself, feeling that he deserved to die, thinking maybe he should've gone through with it. Disturbing as the notion was, Dr. Tofu had told him it was not an uncommon reaction.

Ranma raised his arms to stretch his back, then tucked his hands beneath his head. He should've seen the whole thing coming down anyway—Ryoga had been too quiet, too distant and withdrawn, yet upset all too easily, even for him, at the same time. His perpetual anger was nearly nonexistent, something which should have been an obvious clue that Ryoga was pressing it all down into some small corner of himself, trying to keep it locked away and hidden, out of everyone's sight. Ryoga had always shielded himself with anger—the hateful words, the violent attacks, even the way he tended to cross his arms and glare—all of it was a defensive barrier to hide behind, his way of covering up the uncertainty and fear and hurt that lay beneath. But he hadn't been able to keep it up all the time, no matter how hard he tried. It slipped or was knocked down, revealing an occasional glimpse of the fragility underneath that was the last thing Ryoga wanted people to see. He'd always managed to fling it back up again, to pretend that there was nothing wrong. Then he would try to distract people by increasing his hostility or acting oddly, anything to keep the attention off that which he wanted to hide the most…until Ranma's words had destroyed it completely that evening in the dojo. And Ryoga hadn't been able to build a wall out of dust. The anger had all but disappeared—any teasing on Ranma's part had been met with nothing greater than annoyance, any of Ukyo's misplaced aggression brought immediate hurt instead of retaliation. The only true anger Ryoga had was directed inward on himself, where it could do the most damage. And then, they'd all expected him to conform to a normal sort of lifestyle that Ryoga hadn't even attempted the likes of in years. Ranma wondered how any of them could've been so blind to something like that. Ryoga, who had never fit in well with that setting in the first place, Ryoga, who could be so naïve when it came to sociality, Ryoga, who could be so easily confused by people and their actions, Ryoga, who had always swung between being gullible and being overly-cynical. Ryoga, who they'd tried to force into the exact sort of situation he'd probably feared the most. To go to school, to interact with people he didn't really know, to pretend like everything was fine, to act like his curse didn't matter, to make it seem like nothing wrong had ever happened between any of them…and to think, Ranma had been surprised to find Ryoga bending under the pressure. But then again, Ryoga hadn't seen him, or any of them, as the means of support Ranma had thought he would, which had left the doorway open for everything to get loose.

_It got loose alright, _Ranma concluded sardonically. He thought briefly of the period of nightmares he'd had as well, many of which had caused him to wake up in the small hours of the morning in a cold sweat. They'd started after Ryoga had been released from the hospital and was allowed to return to Ukyo's. The ones Ranma could remember had usually involved a vivid replay of the events that had happened in the woods behind Furinkan and at the seawall. Though those were bad enough, it was the dreams that differed slightly from the actual occurrences that were truly frightening. Sometimes, instead of being pulled away from the edge of the wall, Ryoga would simply disappear before Ranma's eyes. On more than one occasion, Ranma dreamt about searching for Ryoga, but being unable to find him anywhere. In the most frightening of all the nightmares, Ranma had arrived at the bloody circle of pines seemingly in time to save him, only to have Ryoga die in his arms a few moments later. Ranma had woken up in such a state of anxiety that he'd awakened Ukyo with a phone call deep in the night, insisting frantically that she make sure Ryoga was alive and well upstairs. The nightmares had stopped a short while after that, much to everyone's relief.

Ranma fought back a yawn. Of course, the time Ryoga had spent back in the hospital had hardly been a picnic, either. Years of repressed memories and forgotten traumas had to be brought forth and contended with. Dozens of hurts that the Lost Boy had hidden deep within were remembered, speaking for the volumes of damage that had been lying beneath the dark and angry shield he'd tried to keep around him for so long. Ranma and the others had thought that these things would be mainly centered around Ryoga's life before coming to Nerima, but were surprised to find what an integral part they had played in just a few short years. Ryoga didn't have the social skills to deflect insults and tricks and harsh words, and each, no matter how small, had been another wound, another pinprick or stab at his heart. Worse was that Ryoga couldn't understand why most of it had happened, and worst of all was that the respective causes found themselves continually lacking explanations.

Then came the fighting. Guilt had driven the desire to blame someone else, and the accusations began to soar. Everyone wanted to believe that someone else was responsible for something they themselves had done, or that in truth no one was responsible for, but had simply happened. Arguments over various battles, underhanded schemes and manipulative arranged dates, team-ups and techniques, faked fiancées and planned thefts…all had sprung up. Some of the incidents were more noticeable than others—one argument that took place between Ranma and Mousse was over the time when Chinese boy had used Ryoga's aid to double-team Ranma. Ranma accused Mousse of messing with Ryoga's mind because he was too much of a coward to face him on his own. Mousse had replied by refreshing his memory of how a certain someone who Ryoga protected because of a weakening moxibustion had proceeded to thank the Lost Boy for his help by using him as target practice for a particularly nasty little technique. Things had escalated from there, and within a matter of moments the two were diving for each other's throats, halted only by Shampoo and Akane catching them in mid-lunge. Akane later picked a fight with Shampoo over what had happened with the Jusenkyo soap, rekindling old anger at what the violet-haired girl had done to Ryoga during her attempt to retrieve it. Shampoo had retaliated by giving her opinion on how Akane had treated Ryoga on her "date" that same day she was referring to. Ranma fought with Mousse again, Akane argued with Ranma, Ukyo bickered with Akane, and so it went on until there was nothing left for them to argue about.

Certain other issues had emerged as well while Ryoga tried to come to terms with everything. For one, Ryoga developed a marked discomfort of others being near him. The Lost Boy had often seemed a little ill at ease with close physical contact, but Ranma never would've expected the immense shift from occasional uneasiness to periodic states of complete aversion. At times, any contact made him jump and go rigid, and he began to put a distance of at least a few feet between himself and whoever else was around. Ryoga didn't seem to discriminate between who it was— the doctors, Ranma, Shampoo, Mousse, Akane and Ukyo and even Dr. Tofu—all seemed to distress him. Ranma had puzzled over this particular peculiarity for a long time before deciding it was the memories of physical and emotional abuse that were making him withdraw from physical contact; and Ryoga's involvement in martial arts likely reinforced the concept of touch resulting in pain. No member of the group could deny striking Ryoga at some point in time or another, not even Akane; so it made a sad sort of sense that he would shy away from them out of fear by association alone. Ranma had mentioned it to Dr. Tofu, who in turn assured him that the Lost Boy would probably overcome it eventually, but in the meantime suggested that they simply give Ryoga the space he wanted.

Another occurrence that Ranma still hadn't figured out the cause of happened shortly thereafter. He'd been in the room with Ukyo one day, just keeping company, and had been talking about nothing in particular. At one point, he'd said the word 'subway,' and the next thing he knew, Ryoga had paled and started trembling. Ranma and Ukyo had immediately asked what was wrong, but Ryoga had only shaken his head and backed away when they tried to get near him. Then Akane had walked through the doorway. The second Ryoga saw her, his face went completely white, and a moment later Ranma had been reaching out to catch him before he hit the floor in a dead faint.

Ranma had tried asking him what that had been all about on various occasions later, but Ryoga repeatedly evaded the question, leaving Ranma to speculate on his own.

Finally, things had begun to calm down. Skirmishes were settled, apologies were made, looks stopped threatening to kill, and things began to return to the semi-chaotic state that they considered typical. After three weeks and a decided improvement in his overall health, Ryoga had finally been allowed to leave the hospital. The school year had been readying to draw to a close for the summer, and the previously shifty spring weather was leaning towards more consistent warmth. The chaos level in Nerima seemed to be at an all-time low, thankfully allowing everyone to reestablish a sense of quasi-normalcy.

Of course, there had been a few minor hitches here and there. Ryoga had been predictably mobbed when he returned to school; the girls eager to lay eyes upon their object of infatuation that had been missing for weeks, the boys interested in finding out where their object of curiosity had been during all that time, especially since Ranma, Ukyo, and Akane had steadfastly refused to give any information whatsoever on their absentee friend. Luckily, they'd only had to put up with the heightened attention for a couple of weeks before the term ended.

A yawn summoned Ranma out of the memories. It had certainly been a ball. Reality was funny that way, he supposed. And then, just when things had seemed to be going alright, just when he'd been ready to breathe a sigh of relief…Ryoga had disappeared. Vanished, as though he'd never been around in the first place, leaving nothing but a scrawled note lying on the floor of the suddenly-empty bedroom on the third floor of Ukyo's home. Ukyo had cried, Akane had fretted, and Ranma had sworn that after they found him he was going to bar the window—all of which accomplished absolutely nothing.

Now, a couple weeks later, Ranma's initial thoughts had faded into more rational ones. After seeing the note Ryoga had left, Ranma had realized that the Lost Boy was probably already feeling a little pinned down. And, Ryoga had been right—if he'd said a word about leaving to Ukyo or himself, they both would've tried to stop him. Ranma knew that it had probably been better that things turned out the way they did; the last thing Ryoga needed were friends-turned-jailers.

Ranma glanced up to check the moon's position in the sky, and realized that it was getting late. Wherever he might be, the Lost Boy was undoubtedly asleep by now. Or so Ranma hoped.

_Ryoga…you'd better come back safe…_

**Ukyo sighed heavily; feeling like her heart had been turned into lead.** It was a feeling she'd become rather accustomed to over these last weeks, ever since…

The young chef shifted her broom into the crook of her elbow and gazed down at the piece of paper in her hand, which had by now become rather worn and faded.

_Dear Ukyo,_

_I'm sorry to just leave like this, but I know you and Ranma never would've let me go if I'd said anything. I hope you won't be too angry with me, but there's this thing I have to do. I'll be back soon, I promise. Please don't worry._

_Ryoga_

Ukyo shook her head, feeling miserable. Of course she was worrying; she had been ever since the morning she woke up and found that Ryoga had gone, leaving nothing but a simple note to show that he'd ever been there at all. Everyone had immediately gone out to look for him, searching all of Nerima, a good part of Tokyo, and some of the surrounding woods. But Ryoga had succeeded in vanishing, as he seemed to have the acute ability to do when he wanted to. It was Akane who'd finally convinced everyone to stop panicking, pointing out that Ryoga probably wouldn't have taken everything with him if he wasn't sincerely intending to travel. And besides that, he'd promised in the letter that he would be back, and promises weren't something Ryoga often broke.

He'd promised to be back soon…but what did that mean? It had been over two weeks already…and Ryoga hadn't come back. Ukyo couldn't understand how she even missed him so much in the first place. He'd only been here for a few months, and his presence had been so subdued…subdued, but it had shone with a light of it's own all the same, a spot of bright in the darkness that typically surrounded him. But rather than being overpowered, that light had seemed enhanced, made all the more beautiful by the contrast…

_Ryoga, you promised! _Ukyo cried silently. She brushed a tear from her cheek and turned, intending to go inside. But before she slid open the door, she couldn't stop herself from looking up at the sky one more time, letting her eyes settle on a certain star.

_Oh, Ryoga…_

Ukyo faced to the door again, but noticed a new shadow cast by one of the streetlamps overlapping her own.

"I'm sorry, we're closed," Ukyo said, not bothering to turn around.

"That's a shame," said a soft, tenor voice from behind her. "I heard this is the only place in town that makes okonomiyaki without pork-"

The broom clattered to the ground, unsettling the neat pile of dust that had just been swept, but Ukyo didn't care. She was in his arms, and it was alright.


	22. Chapter 21

Disclaimer: This is the last time I have to do this for this story! Yay! And that's a lot of 'this's for a short sentence back there… Anyway, Ranma ½ belongs to Rumiko Takahashi ^ ^.

Chapter 21

~ Hope ~

_Life is like a shooting star_

_It don't matter who you are_

_If you only run for cover_

_It's just a waste of time_

_We are lost and we are found_

_This phoenix rises up from the ground_

_And all these wars are over…_

~Live, "The Dolphin's Cry"

_So close, no matter how far_

_Couldn't be much more from the heart_

_Forever trusting who we are_

_And nothing else matters…_

~Metallica, "Nothing Else Matters"

**Ukyo stretched her hands over her head as she lay back on her towel.** The weather was absolutely gorgeous—hot, but far from stifling due to the pleasant sea breeze, complete with an endless blue sky dotted here and there with fluffy white clouds…

"I can't believe Kuno owns a whole mile of this," Akane commented as she looked down the sparkling white beach. "It must've cost a fortune."

"Well, you know what Nabiki said. What Kuno lacks in brains, he makes up for with money."

Akane blinked. "Did she really say that?" she asked, sounding a bit shocked. She peered over to where her sister was reclining on a blanket, next to Kasumi and her father and Mr. Saotome…with Kuno hovering nearby.

"Yeah, but she was kidding," Ukyo clarified.

"Shampoo no think she far wrong," said the Amazon. "He talk too too much. Who else able to put up with Stick-boy but Nabiki?"

"Good point," Ukyo replied. She glanced over at Ranma, who was standing with Ryoga and Mousse about fifty feet away from where the girls were gathered under an umbrella. Akane and Shampoo followed her gaze interestedly, blinking a few times in the bright gold of the sunlight. They overheard Ryoga say something, though the words themselves were incoherent from such a distance. Then Ranma scowled and Mousse burst out laughing.

"What he say?" Shampoo wondered aloud. A moment later, Ranma was chasing Ryoga as the Lost Boy bounced backwards down the beach, narrowly evading Ranma's annoyed swipes as he tried to get a hold of him.

"Whatever it was, Ranma didn't like it," Ukyo said as the two boys drew closer.

They watched as Ranma settled for catching Ryoga around the waist in a diving tackle that knocked them both back on the sand.

"Are they fighting?" Akane asked, her eyes immediately narrowing.

"Nah, they're just goofing off," Ukyo assured her, though she also kept her eyes trained on the young men as Ranma pushed himself off the now-prone Ryoga and knelt beside him.

"Do you have any idea how long it's going to take me to get the sand out of my hair?" Ukyo heard Ryoga mutter up at him.

The pigtailed martial artist gave him an evil grin and picked up a handful of sand. Holding it over Ryoga's forehead, he let a slow stream fall through his fingers.

"Ranma!" Ryoga growled, batting the offending hand away as he sat up.

Ukyo rolled her eyes at the immaturity of the exchange, but she was privately overjoyed to see how much Ryoga had loosened up. A month ago, the bandana'd boy never would've been kidding around the way he was now. A month ago…there had been no kidding around between any of them. There had only been long, agonizing days of sitting through school, going through the infinite what-ifs and worrisome thoughts over what was going on and what might happen. And predictably, Ryoga hadn't been at his best for much of the time. The most perplexing thing to Ukyo was that Ranma had been the one to keep it together the most. He'd approached it all with a stubborn determination, and had been the one to see Ryoga through the worst of it—the crying fits, the uncooperative moods brought on by frustration, the periods of antisocial lassitude that usually followed—all had been taken in stride with a patience she didn't know Ranma even possessed. It absolutely mystified her, since there had always seemed to be so many problems between them. Unless that in itself was the reason right there.

Ukyo frowned thoughtfully as she watched them getting to their feet. That could be it, she supposed—the two had known each other longer than anyone else had known either of them (she didn't really count herself, considering that for ten of the years she had "known" Ranma, they hadn't so much as seen each other), and they'd always had that outwardly incomprehensible, semi-loyal, rival/friend thing going on…

"We go swim now, yes?" Shampoo asked, interrupting the okonomiyaki chef's train of thought. Akane groaned from beside her.

"Again? I swear, if I swallow any more seawater this week…"

Ukyo stood up, giving Akane an encouraging smile. "We're gonna teach you how to swim if it's the last thing we do," she said, looking forward to taking a dip in the warm, clear water. In addition to Shampoo and the rest of the Jusenkyo-cursed making the best of being able to swim in their natural forms, they'd also been trying to teach the water-challenged Akane to become less challenged.

"It only been three days," Shampoo added, bubbly as ever. "We still have plenty time."

"Plenty of time for all of you to keep drowning me," Akane said, though she obligingly climbed to her feet to follow the other girls to the water.

**"Man. We spent hours, and she still sinks like a lead weight."**

"She's getting better," Ryoga argued, idly rolling a sea-smoothed pebble in one hand.

"Yeah, even though she was in the water, she still managed to deck me," Ranma grumbled, rocking back on the wooden step the boys were sitting on. Through the open door of the house, they could hear the low sound of Ukyo and Akane talking, punctuated by the occasional loud protest of Genma or Soun as they alternately cheated their ways through another game of Shogi.

"Well, Akane usually manages to do that anyway," Ryoga said.

Ranma gave him a sidelong look. For a while now, he'd been having thoughts on certain things that had happened, some of them recent and some of them not so recent.

"Yeah," Ranma said carefully, one such thought coming to his mind. "Especially when I do or say somethin' she don't like."

"Guess so," Ryoga replied, not detecting anything out of the ordinary in what the pigtailed boy had said.

"'Course, I let her do it most of the time," Ranma continued nonchalantly. "Not like she could really do any damage. Well, 'cept maybe for the time the Old Freak hit that stupid pressure point."

"Yeah, it was a good thing you didn't really make her mad then," Ryoga said blithely, falling perfectly into the trap Ranma set. "If she'd hit you when you were weak, she probably would've knocked you into…" The Lost Boy trailed off momentarily, his eyes widening as his expression grew flustered. "I-I mean, even s-so, you still could've…that is, you were, um…" he tried to recover quickly.

"I knew it!" Ranma cried. "I knew you didn't believe that junk you were sayin' that night about me forcin' myself on her or somethin'! You knew there was no way it coulda happened."

Ryoga's face reddened slightly. "Either way," he said shortly, "you got to use your stupid technique, so…"

"How'd ya do it?" Ranma asked. "You couldn't make yourself mad before when we were practicing, so how'd ya do it then if you knew?"

Ryoga scowled. "You still made her upset," he said in a clipped tone. "I was just trying to…then you went and lied to me about it, so of course I got mad…" He paused, crossing his arms over his chest self-consciously and looking in the opposite direction. "Besides, you needed someone to get angry to make it work, and you were ready to try it, so you got what you wanted, right?"

Ranma blinked at him, then shifted his gaze to the ground, his expression pensive. "You're not allowed to attack without a weapon in Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics, right?" he said suddenly.

Ryoga glanced at him over his shoulder, still petulant. "You know that."

Ranma thought for a minute, scratching the back of his head. "Right. And in that match against Kodachi—I didn't have one of the tools when I went to attack; that time near the end when you hung onto the post, and before, when-"

"Ranma," Ryoga interrupted, and the pigtailed boy fell silent. "Don't…don't ask me any more questions, Ok?" he finished, his voice slightly strained.

"Alright," Ranma acquiesced, much to the other boy's apparent relief. "Except for one thing."

Ryoga sighed exasperatedly. "What now?"

Ranma looked at him intently. "You still haven't told me what was up that day in the hospital. With me and Ukyo and Akane, when you passed out."

Ryoga tensed again. "It…was nothing," he said.

"It was to," Ranma insisted. "I know it was. I said somethin' that set it off, right?"

The Lost Boy swallowed hard and stared at the ground again. "It just…it reminded me of something," he said. "A nightmare I had. The three of you were in it, is all."

"That's all?" Ranma said unbelievingly.

Ryoga sighed. "It wasn't pleasant, alright? You told me to…I mean, in the dream, all of you were just, saying things. But it was just a stupid dream; it wasn't like you'd really say things like that, not really…I don't think."

The pigtailed boy narrowed his eyes. "Not really, you don't think?" he echoed. "What does that mean; you also think that maybe we would've?" Ryoga didn't answer, and Ranma sat up. "What exactly did I tell you to do?"

Ryoga remained silent for a long moment. "You told me to kill myself."

"I what?" Ranma said flatly.

Ryoga closed his eyes. "That's what you said. You told me to throw myself in front of a subway train or something like that, and Ukyo was there with you and Akane came in, just like…"

Ranma gaped at him for a moment, shock coursing through him. _There's always something else, isn't there?_ he thought. Even if it had just been a dream, it still meant that somewhere in Ryoga's mind, he felt it was possible. That it could really happen. That they might actually do such a thing…

"You…really had a dream about that?" Ranma asked.

"I have nightmares sometimes, alright? That's all they are," Ryoga said, though he wondered who he was trying to convince more, Ranma or himself. Maybe if that particular nightmare had been the only one involving them…he shook his head. He should be past all this; he couldn't distrust forever…

"You know that no one wants you to do that, right?" Ranma asked him seriously. "You know I'd never say that?"

Ryoga looked at him searchingly, and Ranma felt the familiar twinge of guilt—guilt, and other things that lay beneath. He hated this uncertainty, this lingering doubt that seemed to be hanging on every step of the way…but he also knew it wasn't entirely unwarranted.

_Once bitten, twice shy…_

"I guess…" Ryoga said finally.

Ranma reached over and pushed him, knocking the bandana'd boy off the step and into the reedy grass. "Wrong answer, P-chan," he said, leaning over to look at where Ryoga was sitting on the ground and seeming a little ruffled. "I wouldn't say that and y'know it, so get the thought outta your head."

Ryoga glared at him. "You didn't have to push me just to tell me that."

Ranma grinned. "I know. I just did that 'cause it was fun."

"Fun?" The Lost Boy tipped his head to one side, daring Ranma to affirm.

"Yep," came the reply.

Ranma was elated when Ryoga rose to the provocation. The two hadn't even sparred in weeks; in fact, the only time he'd seen Ryoga fight since their trip through the woods had been a single occurrence at school involving Kuno. Ranma had been in his female form, courtesy of an old lady washing the sidewalk, and Kuno had obviously been displeased at seeing his pigtailed goddess, the lovely Akane Tendo, and the fair Ukyo enter the school gates with a male other than himself. Kuno had immediately greeted them with a speech that included a rather uncomplimentary challenge to Ryoga, and before anyone else even had a chance to retaliate, the Lost Boy had promptly shown Kuno how he felt about the choice of adjectives by kicking the kendoist into a wall. But that hardly seemed to count.

It didn't take Ranma long to notice the difference in Ryoga's fighting. The hot anger that had existed behind it before was now gone. As he'd guessed so many weeks ago, while he stood watching in the glow of the early morning sunrise, Ryoga's skill was much more pronounced without the fury mixed in—more dodging instead of blocking or absorbing blows, better execution of intended strikes; overall a more controlled and less impulsive style.

And, Ranma noticed, it wasn't not really fighting—it was sparring.

Before long, the girls came out on the porch to watch as Cologne stood nearby to coach them, the sun warming the salty breeze, the sound of the breaking waves on the white sand blending in the air around them.

**Later, after the sun had and everyone had fallen asleep, Ranma lay awake, listening to the rhythmic sounds of the summer night.** He glanced over at the pallet beside his own, where Ryoga was sleeping serenely, his form outlined in the silvery moonlight coming through the window.

Satisfied, Ranma returned his gaze to the window. Since the beginning of their vacation three days ago, the pigtailed boy had found himself staying up until he was sure the other boy was asleep. A remnant of earlier paranoia, maybe—after all, if Ryoga was asleep, he wasn't likely to be…well, doing something else alone in the night, especially with the ocean practically right outside their door.

Ranma tried to shake off that disturbing notion, but he found his gaze straying towards the young man lying a few feet away once more, his eyes settling on Ryoga's forearm. He glanced at the sleeping boy's face, then pulled at Ryoga's hand so that it was palm up, allowing him to look at the scars marring the underside of his wrist. There were so many…what Ryoga had done the night of the wall had easily doubled the number Ranma had first seen; the fine white and reddish lines a mute testimony of emotional pain so intense that a physical manifestation had been needed to counterbalance it. Ranma traced the most prominent one, the first one, and wondered how many of the others were for him.

The blue-eyed martial artist exhaled a sigh and lay back. The knowledge that he was the cause of any of the scars, external or internal, was a sore point, but what truly hurt was that Ryoga had wanted to die at all. The idea that the Lost Boy cared so little that he'd never stopped to consider what effect his death might have on him, on everyone…that was what made Ranma wince inwardly. He wasn't exactly sure that the concept had any real bearing—in all likeliness, it seemed more along the lines of Ryoga having thought everyone would be better off without him around; that he didn't want to and didn't deserve to live—but the idea bothered Ranma nonetheless. There was a potential shade of truth in the thought, or at least a sense of logic, one that Ranma blamed on his own failings more than any fault of Ryoga's. But rather than being discouraging, it made him want to try all the harder.

To keep things right. To continue fixing the wrongs between them, the damage they'd inflicted upon each other. To make it certain once and for all that each would be there when the other needed it. To help erase the scars…

And it would happen, Ranma knew as he slipped into sleep. It had to happen, because he wouldn't stop trying until it did…

_The ocean was lit by the setting sun, turning the waves and water into molten fire. Ranma knew he was in the dream before he even saw his girl-form standing by the surf. This time it was no mystery that it wasn't real…even though it was real; somehow, some part of it was real. Just like the red-haired girl was real, even though she was part of the dream, as she had been in the other dreams._

_The girl turned to him as he drew near, familiar blue eyes meeting his own. "We made it, after all," she said simply. She looked down and smiled, and Ranma saw the small black piglet sitting on the sand beside her feet. "Even those who weren't sure they wanted to."_

_"I'm just glad it's over," Ranma said. His counterpart lifted her head, her expression turning serious._

_"The fight might be over," she told him, "but this isn't the end."_

_Ranma felt a pang of dread course through him. "It's not?" he asked uncertainly._

_"Things like this…they don't really end," said the girl. "You know that. Trust may be hard-won, but it's easily broken. And so are fragile hearts." She dropped her gaze to the piglet again, then crouched down to pick him up. "People need each other sometimes," she continued. "We've needed him before…he's watched our back, at least when he wasn't the opponent." She smiled again, wryly, but with no anger. "He's needed us. And he still needs us now. Just like we'll need him again sometime."_

_She held the piglet out to him, and Ranma automatically reached out to receive him in careful hands. "Don't forget what you've learned," she said._

_"I don't think I'll be forgettin' this anytime soon," Ranma replied._

_"Probably not," his counterpart agreed. Her voice was becoming distant. "But taking things for granted is a way of forgetting, too. And things forgotten tend to get lost…"_

_"I won't forget," Ranma said. The ocean, the sky, were darkening, becoming indiscernible; and he reflexively tightened his hold, hugging the little piglet to his chest._

_"Don't lose…" The girl's voice faded as the threads of the dream began to unravel._

_"I won't lose," Ranma vowed. "I won't…"_

**The breeze was cool and slightly damp as it swept over the sand to where Ryoga was standing a few yards away from the house, his arms crossed over his chest in an effort to ward off the unexpected chill and the unwanted shadows flitting through his mind.** Doubt and fear and uncertainty…reminders of the risk he was taking. Guilt over those same emotions, guilt for not letting them go despite having been given so much by those around him…

Ryoga stood for a long time, listening to the changing tides as the moon pulled the water. In some distant part of himself, he felt the lingering remnants of that which he'd been trying so hard to escape. As he listened to the ocean's insistent call, he couldn't help wondering once again if he'd made the right decision.

A door slid open behind him, and Ryoga looked over his shoulder to see who else was having trouble sleeping. He wasn't very surprised to see that it was Ranma.

"Ryoga? What're you doin' out here?" the pigtailed boy asked.

"Nothing," the Lost Boy answered. "I just couldn't sleep, that's all."

"Ok," Ranma said amenably, but he could feel tension coming from the other boy; a deep restlessness and stirrings of old anxiety. If it was keeping Ryoga awake, then Ranma knew it was too serious to simply ignore. "There's somethin' botherin' you, isn't there?" he asked.

Ryoga stiffened slightly, but turned to Ranma nonetheless. He was silent for a long moment, obviously debating. But he needed closure here as well…

"I…I've caused a lot of trouble, haven't I?" he asked finally, his voice low. He kept his gaze averted, his eyes cast down on the silver-white sand.

This again? Ranma thought, though he knew it was important if Ryoga was still obsessing over it. "It wasn't your fault," the pigtailed boy said. "And I don't think trouble is really the right word for it."

Ryoga shook his head. "No, not just the…what's gone on the past few months. I mean before. I…ever since I showed up, it's all I ever did, isn't it? Caused trouble?"

"No," Ranma said. "'It wasn't just you. It's just the way things are. It ain't like you started it."

"Some of it, I did," the Lost Boy said quietly.

Ranma repressed a sigh. "Ryoga-"

"No," Ryoga cut him off. "Ranma, you remember all those things you said to me that one day, about the fights and everything? You said you could've stopped it. But I…I could've stopped it too, and I didn't. I only made things worse by coming back and making stupid challenges and getting myself stuck in some crazy scheme or another."

Ranma took a breath, intending to try and stave off whatever sort of upset this was leading into, but before he could say anything, the Lost Boy was suddenly kneeling on the ground in front of him.

"Ryoga, what're you doin'?" he asked bemusedly.

"I'm sorry," Ryoga said, still unable to look up at the other martial artist. Ranma blinked once, surprised as he had been back when he was learning the Hiryu Shoten-Hah and Ryoga had done this: knelt down in front of him, half-crying, and started apologizing.

"Sorry for what?" Ranma said bewilderedly.

"For all of it," the Lost Boy said. "I could've stopped. It wasn't fair to blame you for everything."

"Ryoga," Ranma sighed, "we went through this already. I ain't mad at you for all that junk. How can I be when it was my fault, too?"

"B-because…I was wrong. Just because my life was a wreck, what right did that give me to try and turn yours into the same thing?" he asked plaintively.

"'Cause you were mad. And…y'had a reason to be," Ranma answered.

"But I-"

"Ryoga, c'mon. Stand up," Ranma said, reaching down to bring the other boy to his feet. But the Lost Boy resisted, pulling back and remaining on the sand.

"No," Ryoga said. "It's not just that…I'm sorry I never…I never thanked you for what you did." He squeezed his eyes shut. "I was sure that no one would bother…I'd given up on myself as it was. But you didn't. Even though I didn't deserve it from you, not after what I've done…"

"That ain't true," Ranma said. "I know we fought a lot, but you were always there to gimme a hand when I needed it, too. An' you don't need to thank me for anything, because there wasn't anything else for me to do, 'cept for what I did."

"You didn't have to."

"Yes I did," Ranma told him resolutely. "I couldn't let you die like that. Not you."

Ryoga looked up at him at last, his expression unsure. Ranma tugged at his hands again.

"Come on," he said. "It's Ok now. It's over, right? Let's just leave it at that."

Ryoga hesitated for a moment. Then a look of relief washed away the uncertainty, and his expression brightened. "Alright," he agreed, slowly standing up. Between them, there was finally a sense of being on even ground; an end to the perpetual struggle that had existed on some level or another for so long…

"Hey, what're you guys doing out here?"

The young men turned to find Akane and Ukyo walking towards them from the direction of the house, both appearing very awake and alert despite the late hour.

Ranma tucked his hands behind his head. "Could ask you the same thing," he said nonchalantly.

"We just came out for a walk," Akane told him.

"At one in the morning?" he said dubiously, privately hoping that they hadn't seen or overheard anything. They'd all been fairly open with each other for some time now, but there were some things that Ranma felt should be kept apart.

"Why not?" Ukyo asked. "It's a nice night."

Ranma shrugged noncommittally. "Yep."

The four fell in step and began to walk up the beach, but the girls soon dropped slightly behind.

"Where did you go?" Ranma asked when he was sure Akane and Ukyo were out of earshot. Beside him, Ryoga lifted his head, and Ranma saw a pang of sorrow move across the Lost Boy's face.

"I went home," Ryoga said softly. "I…I had to see…"

Ranma nodded in understanding, and the bandana'd boy gave him a grateful look, relieved that he didn't have to explain further.

"The next time I see my mom, I'm tellin' her about my curse," Ranma said suddenly.

Ryoga turned to him sharply, his eyes wide. "You…you are?"

"Yeah," the pigtailed boy told him. "I don't care what Pop says. It ain't fair."

"You're right," Ryoga agreed quietly. "But what if she wants you to…to…"

Ranma raised an eyebrow. "Commit seppuku?" he finished for him, and the Lost Boy nodded. "In that case, I guess I'll hafta…" Ranma trailed off resignedly, and Ryoga stared at him. Then Ranma grinned sardonically, "…tell her 'sorry Ma, but no fucking way.'"

Ryoga almost smiled. "I bet that would go over well," he said. "What if she still pulls out the katana?"

Ranma shrugged. "I'll move outta the way. Then, maybe I'll tell her a little story…"

Meanwhile, Akane and Ukyo trailed behind them, conversing quietly and dodging spray from the surf.

"What do you think they were talking about?" Akane asked when she saw the boys were a safe distance ahead of them.

Ukyo shook her head. "Your guess is as good as mine. They're just as hard to figure out when they're together as they are when they're apart."

"They probably feel the same way about us," Akane said.

"Probably," Ukyo agreed.

They walked in silence for a few moments, both staring at the sand as the wind shifted it in whirling patterns before their feet. Then Akane lifted her head.

"Ukyo?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you…are you glad things turned out the way they did?"

Ukyo blinked at her. "What do you mean?"

The other girl thought for a moment. "I'm not sure I know what I mean exactly…" Akane said.

"I'm glad he came back, if that's what you're asking," Ukyo told her. She glanced to where the boys had stopped up ahead and were standing, looking out at the black-and-silver water. "I meant what I said that day," she continued softly. "And I'm glad I said it."

Akane smiled. "I'm glad, too," she said. Then she looked up the beach, her brows knitting together in her trademark expression of annoyance. "Look at how far they went. C'mon, let's go before they complain that we're too slow."

Ukyo nodded and they increased their pace, only slowing down when they'd nearly caught up. She hurried the last few steps to move beside Ryoga, slipping her hand into his and delighting in the feeling of mutual warmth, the sharing of each other's presence. There hadn't been an "I love you" from him, not yet. But she knew it would come in time. His eyes spoke it clearly enough as it was. He would say it, when he was ready. When he'd had a little more time to learn to trust…

Ukyo glanced up at him, studying his face in the moonlight. It still amazed her how different he looked without all the anger mixed in, how his usually stormy but handsome features could quiet into such calm, near-perfection. She watched him for a long moment as he watched the unrelenting sea, his eyes distant, his expression tinged with pain. She squeezed his hand in concern, and he turned to her.

"Are you gonna be alright?" she asked him.

Despite the sound of the surf, Ranma heard the question. He looked over the shining wave of Ukyo's hair, and Ryoga momentarily lifted his gaze from hers to meet his. Ranma could see the darkness in his eyes; lingering still…but it was not overwhelming. It was a part of him, and there would always be shadows, but the despair had finally receded. His eyes were no longer those of someone who had given up on all. They were the eyes of someone who knew he had something to hold onto…

Ryoga returned his gaze to Ukyo's upturned face, taking in the beauty of it, the love and anticipation shining in her twilight eyes, and returned the tightened clasp of their joined hands.

"I hope so," Ryoga told her, a small but heartfelt smile lighting on his features. "I hope so…"

~ Fin ~


	23. Final

Disclaimer: I don't own jack.

~ A Last Goodbye ~

Ryoga paused to look at the house for a long moment before moving up the walkway to the front door. He felt a wave of fear flow through him as he gazed at it, followed by one of sorrow. He pulled out a near-forgotten key to unlock it, then stepped into the darkened hallway. Almost unconsciously, he reached to his left and flipped a switch, bathing the area in warm light.

For the first time in years, Ryoga Hibiki was home.

Ryoga walked slowly down the hall, glancing into the rooms he passed as he went. The kitchen, the living room…everything was exactly the same…

Ryoga closed his eyes as the memories flooded through him. His mother, standing in the kitchen, smiling at him as he handed her a drawing he'd made at school when he was seven…his father, picking him up and spinning around as he laughed when Ryoga was four…

Before he could even think of doing otherwise, Ryoga collapsed on the floor, crying bitterly. His mother shouting…his father hitting him…Ryoga would've given almost anything to have it back anyway, if only for the few happy moments that they'd had together…

Nearly half and hour had passed before Ryoga could gather the strength to stand up again. He left his pack in the hall, then headed for the stairs. At the door to his own bedroom, he hesitated. This was his old refuge, where he'd cried so many tears and tried his best to hide himself from the world until he had set out to disappear into the midst of it…

Ryoga turned the knob and pushed the door open. His bed was still made, his books still lay on top of his desk…he went to the closet and found his old clothes still hanging inside, his old toys still on the shelf…he opened the drawers of the nightstand and found everything inside as he'd left it. Nothing had been touched or moved, nothing taken or thrown away. He glanced at the wastebasket, and was startled to find the aborted remnants of his last homework assignment from eighth grade still lying inside.

Ryoga backed away and sat down on the bed, suddenly feeling dizzy. He'd expected to at least find his old things removed, packed away like the possessions his mother left behind had been, so as not to serve as a reminder of the person they belonged to. But everything of his was here, not taken away to be stored in the attic or basement as he'd thought it would be, but right here, as though his father had expected someone to need it all again…

_He was waiting,_ Ryoga realized. _He was waiting for me to come back…he thought I would come home…_

Ryoga felt tears sting his eyes again as he stood up, intending to walk out the door. Then he noticed something lying on the nightstand—a white envelope. The only thing that hadn't been there when he'd left.

Swallowing back his tears, he reached down to pick it up. Turning it over, he found his name written on the back.

His hands trembling slightly, Ryoga opened it and pulled out the piece of paper waiting within. It was covered in his father's handwriting.

_Ryoga,_ he read,

_If you are reading this, it means that I've died before seeing you again. I wish it were otherwise, but I can't blame you for not returning._

_I didn't realize how great a mistake I'd made until the day you disappeared. Then I knew exactly how much I had failed in my duty to you. I wanted to search for you, but I couldn't find it within myself to force you to come back when I had driven you away._

_If I could go back and do everything differently, I would. I pray that you can understand that the way I treated you was a mistake, and I hope you believe me when I say that I would have done anything in my power to make it right. I'm sorry I wasn't able to do so, and I hope that someday you will forgive me for it._

_The most important thing that I have left to say to you is this: I love you. I regret that I was never able to show it, and despite the way I've acted and the things I've said; if you believe nothing else that I've written, please believe this. I will always be proud that you are my son. I love you, I always loved you, and I always will love you._

_With all my heart,_

_Your Father_

Ryoga felt his knees grow weak. After all this time…he'd always thought…

He burst into tears again, sobbing at the unfairness of it all. All the fear and self-hatred, all the doubting and the pain…only to find out now, now, of all times, when they were both already gone…it wasn't fair…

A long time later, Ryoga climbed to his feet. Carefully tucking the letter back into the envelope, he took a final look at his room before going back downstairs. Still brushing stray tears from his face, Ryoga retrieved the tin from his pack and placed the letter inside, then snapped it shut and put it away. Then he slipped the pack on once again and walked to the door, as he had one night so long ago.

But this time, he wouldn't be coming back.

Ryoga closed the door behind him, making sure the lock clicked into place. He went down the walkway, where he'd used to sit as a child, counting the different colored stones, and made his way to the street. Once there, he turned and looked back at the house, the only home he'd ever known…for the last time.

It was time to go.

Ryoga walked down the street, not looking back again. There was one more thing he had to do.

A short time later, as the sun was readying itself to vanish beneath the horizon, Ryoga found himself standing before two graves.

It was the first time Ryoga had been with both of his parents in four years. Death was the only thing to have brought them together for nearly seven.

Ryoga knelt down between them, his head bowed as a soft breeze ruffled through his dark hair.

"I love you both," he whispered, feeling two tears slip down the sides of his face.

Ryoga placed a single red rose before each of the tombstones. Then he stood slowly, his heart free at last.

"Goodbye..."

Ryoga turned and began walking.

He had a promise to keep.

It was time to go…

…home.


End file.
